Date Rape

[Noproblem]

Have you ever been date raped or know anybody who has? Two of my friends have been date raped.

 

The first one went to a guy's house for dinner on their 3rd date. He pinned her to the ground and raped her soon after they entered his home. He told her "stop playing games."

 

The second friend was on a date with a guy and he invited her back to his place for drinks. Four other guys were already there, possibly his roommates. All five of them raped her and she was beaten too.

 

Neither one filed a police complaint.

 

Following on from this, the first friend now doesn't date at all and is celibate. The second friend will have sex with anybody now and has no boundaries at all sexually.

 

This is just disgusting, and sad and really really makes me suspicious of other guys

 

I am sad to read about this...

 

These girls should have said something

 

This is disgusting

[Dolfin80]

I have a friend who was rapped. A stranger pulled her behind a bushy tree in broad daylight and raped her. She was terrified. She went to the police however rape is Japan is not recognised, so no justice. 10 years later she is still have suicidal thoughts, in and out of mental hospitals. Her longest stink in hospital was 4 months, involuntary admission. She is on medications permanently.

 

It has traumatised her brain and she will never fully recover. All we can do is support her.

 

Rape is terrible it ruins lives.

[SJS]

Now, almost 25 years later, I can say that I was date raped. At the time it never really fit my "description"--not violent, no bodily harm, no actual force--so I never considered it rape. I thought I had made the choice.

As a freshman in high school (one of my very first dates in fact), he was a senior but over 18, and drove me to a deserted gravel road and told me either to put out or get out. He repeated saying it despite me saying no, until I became afraid. He was much bigger than me, knew where we were and I didn't, and of all things...I thought my parents would be mad if I did get out and walked to the nearest house and called them needing to be picked up. Thinking logically now, I know they would have rather I called and my dad would've handled the guy.

The guy got away with it but managed to spread my name through the mud. And for the next few years I became that girl. I figured that's what guys wanted, so that's all they'll get and nothing more. That also marks a turning point in my life too, grades dropped, new (bad) group of friends, alcohol & drugs.

 

 

If I could go back, I would do things much differently.

[Taramere]

Once i was accused of it even though she was the one who came on to me and we were both drunk, and a girl who i was seeing told me that her ex had raped her, yet I found out later on that she was still hanging out with the guy so i have to presume that she is full of s*** as if that really happened then i'm sure that she would be terrified to ever be alone with him again.

 

 

Rose i'm not a rape apologist, I simply said that there's two sides to every story and the man shouldn't automatically be presumed guilty.

 

The thing is that this thread has presumably been placed in the abuse section for a reason. If you look at the purpose of this section, it is "support for and discussion of psychological, physical, and sexual abuse."

 

I realise that rape is a highly contentious issue, and that it's a commonly discussed subject in (for instance) forums concerning themselves with men's rights. However it's really questionable that you would choose to inject yourself into a thread within a support (for abuse) section in order to cast aspersions on the credibility of people making these disclosures. Can you not see yourself just how "off" it is to do something like that in a section that aims specifically to provide support to people making disclosures about very sensitive matters?

[TaraMaiden2]

The thing is that this thread has presumably been placed in the abuse section for a reason. If you look at the purpose of this section, it is "support for and discussion of psychological, physical, and sexual abuse."

I doubt he even noticed or bothered to check...

 

I realise that rape is a highly contentious issue, and that it's a commonly discussed subject in (for instance) forums concerning themselves with men's rights. However it's really questionable that you would choose to inject yourself into a thread within a support (for abuse) section in order to cast aspersions on the credibility of people making these disclosures. Can you not see yourself just how "off" it is to do something like that in a section that aims specifically to provide support to people making disclosures about very sensitive matters?

 

Unfortunately, this kind of abuse against women has been happening for millennia. For every innocent man, or questionable situation, there are countless hundreds where the accusation is justified, and the accusation merited. Sadly, far too many incidents of that kind go unreported, which is tragic, because it simply gives the guilty more scope for success, and distorts the real figures of culpability.

I believe that if the number of reported proven cases were more accurate and in line with reality, the "two sides to everything" line would be applicable to a far smaller number of such circumstances.

[Taramere]

I doubt he even noticed or bothered to check...

 

 

 

Unfortunately, this kind of abuse against women has been happening for millennia. For every innocent man, or questionable situation, there are countless hundreds where the accusation is justified, and the accusation merited. Sadly, far too many incidents of that kind go unreported, which is tragic, because it simply gives the guilty more scope for success, and distorts the real figures of culpability.

I believe that if the number of reported proven cases were more accurate and in line with reality, the "two sides to everything" line would be applicable to a far smaller number of such circumstances.

 

There are two incidents that stick in my mind - and with both of them, the attitude of other people was as upsetting as the incidents themselves.

 

First was when I was 15, walking along our local main street after a night out with friends. A bunch of older guys (19, 20 - one of them said it was his 19th birthday therefore he should be entitled to a kiss from me) grabbed me, while the "birthday boy" kissed and groped me. I screamed and struggled. Laughing, they let me go and walked on. An elderly couple walked past and glared at me all the while.

 

I remember being horrified that they would have seen exactly what happened yet see fit to stare disgustedly at me - rather than stop and ask if I was okay. With my own grandparents....well, my grandfather would likely have chased after the boys and clouted them. I was as disgusted by that elderly couple as they appeared to be by me.

 

Second time, a few years later at a student party. One particular guy who was unusually tall (and strong) had taken a fancy to me. I had a boyfriend, but he had fallen asleep. This guy decided to hit on me, and he was not taking no for an answer. Groping, trying to kiss me while I was saying no and pushing him off. I remember seeing this other guy who I had always figured to be a fairly typically right on, politically correct student type watching and smirking. I also had the suspicion that my boyfriend had woken up but was pretending to still be asleep because he didn't want to have to confront the guy.

 

In the end, although I was frightened of the guy (and with some reason...from what I heard later he could be a bit of a psychopath and one time beat up his very gentle flatmate pretty badly) and felt that being aggressive was going to go badly for me, making a noisy scene and telling him that he was creeping me out was the only way to put a stop to it. People thought I was a drama queen for making such a noise, but at least it stopped.

 

Both incidents taught me that there are people who won't believe the evidence of their own eyes. There are guys who will not take no for an answer unless it's screamed loudly enough that it's going to draw the attention of other people. And even then, you'll incur disapproval for making a scene...but it's what we have to do sometimes.

 

That's no help, though, to people in the situation that SJS and others have been in...where there was nobody around to hear them scream. I would imagine that scenario where a woman feels afraid, and that she has no real choice (ie because it might go horribly wrong for her if she's very confrontational, noisy or aggressive in the way she says no) is the scenario that's quite dismissively defined as "date rape". I also wouldn't be very surprised if there's a certain type of man who would deliberately set those scenarios up - then feign ignorance as to the possibility that the woman might have been too afraid to scream and try to fight them off.

 

 

I remember talking later on to my best friend about the guy at the party. He was part of a group of people she was friends with - I was on the outskirts of that group. She made excuses for him. Then a few months later there was the incident where he beat up that poor, gentle guy he shared a flat with - and he did it in front of other people. Then people were "oh yeah...remember the way he was with Taramere that night?" But it seemed to take another guy being on the receiving end of his aggressive sh*t for them to see "the way he was with Taramere that night" as an actual problem.

[TaraMaiden2]

'liked' because I agree and empathise.

Not because I 'like' the content.

 

I used to have a BF who was so full of himself and apparently self-assured, that his arrogance was quite breathtaking at times. (It was a brief relationship, you'll be glad to know...) He was extremely materialistic, and set great store by what he had to show off, rather than what a person should strive to be like... (So much so, that his ex GF sent him a second-hand cigarette lighter as a christmas present, and the Christmas card read "Hope you like it - it was only 50p in Camden Market!". He didn't get her meaning. I of course, did....)

 

We went to a party once, and I met a guy there whom coincidentally, I had known for a very long time. My BF didn't know him at all, but he was in the circle of friends of the host. We sat and chatted for a long time.

At one point, one of my BF's friends came over, and asked me to have a word with him in the kitchen....

 

There were people everywhere, so I didn't immediately think a great deal of it - I was just curious....

I followed him in, and he closed the door behind us. There were three other guys in there.

Mr Ringleader did all the talking...

Basically, he informed me that they (these 4) all thought I was a whore, a tramp, a two-timing bitch, and who the hell did I think I was, flaunting myself at this random guy, right under my BF's nose? I had some front, behaving like that, with no shame and being so blatant....

 

When I could finally get a word in edgeways, I calmly explained that the guy and I had been at school together, and this was the first time in around 10 years I had seen him. We had been in the same class, and had that in common. We were just catching up on old times.

 

There was a short, uncomfortable silence, and then Mr Ringleader suggested that I'd been promiscuous and had sex with him back then, too.... (He actually used far more explicit and colourful language, but if I repeat what he said, here, all you'd see is asterisks!)

 

And here's the clanger: he ended up saying, "Mind you, if I had the chance I'd give you a good f*** myself, and show you what a real guy can do...."

 

At which point, the door opened and my BF walked in.

 

"Ah," I said, "Just in time. Your buddy over there has just offered to rape me, to show me how good at sex he is."

 

Mr Ringleader protested that he'd said nothing of the kind.

I replied that trust me, it would be rape, because I'd never voluntarily have sex with him, he'd HAVE to force me. So he should be glad that at least I'd helped him define his mind-set. That of a rapist.

 

My BF in all of this, said nothing.

Once we had left the party, he berated me for giving the guys a come-on, and provoking that kind of talk.

 

That's why I dumped him, as soon as he dropped me off at my home.

 

And then people wonder why I have a 'Feminist Agenda'.....

[Taramere]

And here's the clanger: he ended up saying, "Mind you, if I had the chance I'd give you a good f*** myself, and show you what a real guy can do...."

 

At which point, the door opened and my BF walked in.

 

"Ah," I said, "Just in time. Your buddy over there has just offered to rape me, to show me how good at sex he is."

 

Mr Ringleader protested that he'd said nothing of the kind.

I replied that trust me, it would be rape, because I'd never voluntarily have sex with him, he'd HAVE to force me. So he should be glad that at least I'd helped him define his mind-set. That of a rapist.

 

My BF in all of this, said nothing.

Once we had left the party, he berated me for giving the guys a come-on, and provoking that kind of talk.

 

My guess is that he was primarily angry not because he genuinely thought you were giving those guys the come on, but because the situation was one in which he looked weak. It's not unlike those guys at the party I mentioned (the bf who I'm certain was feigning sleep...The "usually politically correct" guy who was sitting there smirking). Kind of an ego defence mechanism. "That woman is a slut, not worth my trouble getting involved...etc" is easier for the ego to take than "she might be in a bit of trouble here, but I'm afraid of that guy so I don't want to intervene."

 

I was at a club one time when a random guy grabbed me right between the legs (I was wearing tight jeans). We're not just talking patting me on the bottom - it was a lot more full on than that. I'm sure my then bf saw what happened, but I just grabbed him and said something like "let's go over there." If I'd been with a group of female friends, I'd have turned round and confronted that guy - and I'd have had back up. Actually, I'd have done it if I'd been on my own. But when you're with one solitary guy and another man behaves like that you're left with this dilemma of "do I kick up a stink here when it might lead to the situation where the man I'm with gets a beating?"

 

So I can sympathise with the feminism aspect in that I would see other women as the better source of protection and support in a situation like that - or I'd prefer to just handle the situation myself. Add a guy to the equation, and often it's just one more thing to worry about. "Is he going to end up getting hurt if I assert myself with this prick? Will I be That Woman who's seen as trouble because she causes fights between men?"

 

It sounds as though your bf was the runt of a pretty unpleasant litter. When a guy's friends disrespect you, I think it's often an extension of the disrespect they have for the man himself. Somebody like that will only tend to be a hindrance, if you're finding yourself on the receiving end of harassment or abuse from other men (especially men they're keen to impress/keep in with), rather than any sort of help.