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How do i cope with wifes affair


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Last month my wife told me she was having a catch up weekend with her facebook friends friday 'til monday. I suspected nothing and believed her. When she returned on the monday she was acting suspicious while unpacking. As i walked in the room i noticed her quickly shove something back in her drawer. Then she went for a shower. I had a look and what i saw was my worst nighmare. It was her stockings and suspenders that she had worn for me the day before she went away. She had took them with her. I demended to know why she took them and the first thing she said was i did not meet anyone. Then she refused to talk for me for days. Then she finally said she was going to meet someone but bottled it. I was heartbroken.

 

Then 2 weeks ago I found her bank statement. To my shock and horror there was a transaction for £80 for a hotel room and just over £50 for a restaurant over the road from the hotel. These were from the friday. She then admitted she did meet someone and eventually admitted she went back to the hotel and slept with him.

 

She met this person on an internet dating site that she subscribed to behind my back in january of this year. This cost £15 a month. I am so upset by all of this.

 

The problem I have is we have been together 15 years, married for 8 years and have 2 children.

 

Until about the time she joined this penpal site we got on perfectly and were inseperable. She says she joined the site because her facebook friends said how great it was. And some were and were not in relationships.

 

The problem I have is I do love the person I married to bits and wanted to spend the rest of my life with her.

 

Once the truth started to come out although it was more me finding out myself she changed her number. Closed down her facebook and other accounts and is also shutting down her bank account basically saying no more secrets. She swears she is so sorry and will never hurt me again. And belive me I am very hurt. Also very jealous that she could spend the night with another man while I am at home thinking she is with girlfriends.

 

Also for the last 9 months she was very secret with her phone. When I questioned it she said it was girly talk and personal so although I had my suspicions I just ignored it. Guess I did not want to belive she was up to no good. She also said on a few occasions she was not sure if she wanted to be with me and was falling out of love. Now she swears she was confused and does truly love me.

 

How do I cope as I love my wife and family. Do I seperate and walk away. Do I give her a chance to show she has changed and I have my wife back. Also I am having some surgery in a few weeks to help save my vision as I have an eye disease even though I am only in my late 30s. If i walk now I have nobody to support me.

 

Am I a fool to see how this works out?

 

Please excuse grammar as i am in a rush and on phone.

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Sorry you're going through this. It is painful. Staying or leaving is a personal choice. Do you think you know all you need to make a decision? You need to take care of yourself as best as you can. Find a support system. You will probably get more responses moving this to the infidelity forum.

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She's keeping you on the hook while fishing for other men. Give her an ultimatum - her showing you the messages, ending all activity on the "penpal website", and ending it with the people who 'recommended' it to her - and if she doesn't resists cut your losses. You've got a long road ahead of you, but in her state she's just a wall blocking your path.

 

Personally, I think it's far too late. You gave her too much time for her to set up hideaways for her activities.

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Last month my wife told me she was having a catch up weekend with her facebook friends friday 'til monday. I suspected nothing and believed her. When she returned on the monday she was acting suspicious while unpacking. As i walked in the room i noticed her quickly shove something back in her drawer. Then she went for a shower. I had a look and what i saw was my worst nighmare. It was her stockings and suspenders that she had worn for me the day before she went away. She had took them with her. I demended to know why she took them and the first thing she said was i did not meet anyone. Then she refused to talk for me for days. Then she finally said she was going to meet someone but bottled it. I was heartbroken.

 

Then 2 weeks ago I found her bank statement. To my shock and horror there was a transaction for £80 for a hotel room and just over £50 for a restaurant over the road from the hotel. These were from the friday. She then admitted she did meet someone and eventually admitted she went back to the hotel and slept with him.

 

She met this person on an internet dating site that she subscribed to behind my back in january of this year. This cost £15 a month. I am so upset by all of this.

 

The problem I have is we have been together 15 years, married for 8 years and have 2 children.

 

Until about the time she joined this penpal site we got on perfectly and were inseperable. She says she joined the site because her facebook friends said how great it was. And some were and were not in relationships.

 

The problem I have is I do love the person I married to bits and wanted to spend the rest of my life with her.

 

Once the truth started to come out although it was more me finding out myself she changed her number. Closed down her facebook and other accounts and is also shutting down her bank account basically saying no more secrets. She swears she is so sorry and will never hurt me again. And belive me I am very hurt. Also very jealous that she could spend the night with another man while I am at home thinking she is with girlfriends.

 

Also for the last 9 months she was very secret with her phone. When I questioned it she said it was girly talk and personal so although I had my suspicions I just ignored it. Guess I did not want to belive she was up to no good. She also said on a few occasions she was not sure if she wanted to be with me and was falling out of love. Now she swears she was confused and does truly love me.

 

How do I cope as I love my wife and family. Do I seperate and walk away. Do I give her a chance to show she has changed and I have my wife back. Also I am having some surgery in a few weeks to help save my vision as I have an eye disease even though I am only in my late 30s. If i walk now I have nobody to support me.

 

Am I a fool to see how this works out?

 

Please excuse grammar as i am in a rush and on phone.

 

 

 

 

You need to get copies of those phone bills. Something had to be happening during those 9 months.

 

 

WW's will only confess to what you know. So you see why those phone records are important for you getting the whole truth. Another reason for you to schedule a polygraph test for your WW to get the truth out.

 

 

Then you need for WW to go NC will all of her friends that knew about her affair. Also I would tell those women's husbands what their cheating wives have done.

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Must be hard after so many years with someone but to go behind your back like that and lie, ahh what a b!tch!

 

It sounds like you want to make it work, and when your with someone for so long who you love and trusted I don't blame you. But surely its going to be so hard to trust her again, I know i wouldnt be able to forgive someone who cheats but thats just me maybe you are stronger then me but in all honesty she will probably do it again.

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Thanks for the replys so far. This is how i feel

 

i get hurt no matter what i decide to do, if i do what most people would do and end it i go through hell because i lose the one person i love the most and wanted to spend the rest of my life with. And if i stay together i am also hurt because i have had my heart broken, i also risk getting hurt again. It is me that gets hurt the most. I am punished and hurt no matter what happens. If i did not love her so much this would be a hell of a lot less painful.

 

Also this is the cruelest part. She actually planned that friday night with 1 man she was speaking to but because she is not sure about him in the last 24hrs cancalled him on the way to the hotel. And then invites this other man instead How mad is that?. I am so confused. I also keep trying to think how and what the night went like. And inagining her telling him to lie on the bed why she got dressed for him in the bathroom etc. It is so stomach turning.

 

I think she may have cancelled the first person because one of her friends questioned was she doing the correct thing, but once she got the the hotel and was alone i think temptaion got the better of her, especialy once this seconed person started ringing and found out she was in the hotel alone. I asked her why after almost doing the correct thing and canceling the first person did she then invite the 2nd man and her answer was " i was alone so i thought i might as well" how do you deal with someone of that mentality?

 

I bet the 2nd person could not belive his luck. Gets invited to a hotel. Gets dinner bought for him and then back to the hotel for sex and dressed up for. I asked her why she had to dress up and she said it gave her courage. I would gave thought it took courage to dress up for a stranger. There is also the fact she risked both are sexual health. I know she would not have used any protection and she has admited that. I did go for a check up just incase and made her also, luckily that came back clear.

 

Also i forgot to mention this site she subscribed to is called "forces penpals" it clearly states that it is a dating and social networking site.

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Clarence_Boddicker

The person you married & had kids with, no longer exists. She has turned into a cheater. Once a cheater, always a cheater.

 

 

What kind of relationship lessons do you want to teach your children?

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It just seems so unfair. For her one night of fun i have to hurt so much. It was just over 7 weeks ago and since then i have not eaten or slept properly. She claims she never ment to hurt me but then i guess by this she means i was never ment to find out. Also a week after i found out i collapsed for the first time ever and had to spend 3 nights on hospital. My blood presure and heart rate were eratic. This aftrnoon i have just had a phone call from the hopsital telling me not to drive as the 24hr ecg i had why in hospital shows a slow heart rate at night. Not sure why they only rang me now 6 weeks later. I have to wait why they investigate further. Normaly im fit and healthy.

 

The other part that really hurts is when i dropped her off at the station on that friday we had a really nice cuddle and kiss goodbye, i would never have known she was panning on going to a hotel to meet another man.

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It just seems so unfair. For her one night of fun i have to hurt so much. It was just over 7 weeks ago and since then i have not eaten or slept properly. She claims she never ment to hurt me but then i guess by this she means i was never ment to find out. Also a week after i found out i collapsed for the first time ever and had to spend 3 nights on hospital. My blood presure and heart rate were eratic. This aftrnoon i have just had a phone call from the hopsital telling me not to drive as the 24hr ecg i had why in hospital shows a slow heart rate at night. Not sure why they only rang me now 6 weeks later. I have to wait why they investigate further. Normaly im fit and healthy.

 

The other part that really hurts is when i dropped her off at the station on that friday we had a really nice cuddle and kiss goodbye, i would never have known she was panning on going to a hotel to meet another man.

 

She is a liar and a cheat. It wasn't just "one night of fun." Please don't be a sucker.

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If someone is even capable of having an affair, they must be kicked to the curb. Period.

 

This right here. Take it from someone who kicked his cheating wife to the curb; kick her ass out, divorce her, and never look back.

 

I have never once regretted getting a divorce. In fact, it's the best thing that's ever happened to me. Her new husband now gets to worry about what she's doing and with whom. Me? I don't have to give a rat's ass. Not my problem anymore.

 

If they cheat once, they will cheat again. It's only a matter of time.

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Jersey born raised

Hi Pow,

 

A lot of thoughts but to start here are two:

 

First: your spouse is the one person who you need to be there for you in periods of great loss. How can the spouse be there for you when they are the problem. This is why adultery is always on the adulator to find a way to do the heavy lifting.

 

The second is the concept of trickle truth. Does she really mean to say she is willing and capable of random ONS ?

 

I wonder what her response would be to these questions.

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For her one night of fun i have to hurt so much.
The odds of you happening to find out about her cheating the first time that she does it are slim to none. Odds are that she has cheated before. Heck she even has multiple other men that want to f*ck her in her orbit. If it were a friend telling you this story you would not believe that it was the only time. The only reason that you believe that it was only this one time is because, like most betrayed spouses, you believe because you want to believe. The alternative of not believe her is just too horrible for you to accept. Read other threads in this Infidelity section, and you will see that most betrayed spouses do not understand the full amount of the cheating that went on when they first discover the cheating. You have already caught her 100% for sure lying to you about her cheating, so do not believe anything that she says on this topic, and do not buy into her asking you to trust her going forward.

 

QUESTION: How does a cheater say f*ck you to their spouse?

ANSWER: They say "trust me".

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Let me ask you this: If the roles were reversed would she have been so accepting and forgiving as you have been? She needs to be tested for STD's.

 

Her planning and then picking up a different man to have sex with at the hotel shows pretty clearly that she has very little respect for you and your marriage. My guess is that she knows you so well that even if she was caught you would suck it up and stay so she really had nothing to lose. I guess she was correct.

 

If you do not respect yourself then who will?

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She claims she never meant to hurt me

 

What exactly does that mean? Did she think if you found out you'd be overjoyed? Disregard that statement because it's meaningless, basically what she's saying is I'm sorry you found out I knew it would hurt you but I did it because I wanted to...you just weren't meant to find out.

 

Problem with this is, you let this go, she's more than likely to do this again.

 

But it's up to you man. I'd say leave, let her actions have consequences. Divorce her, if she really loves you then she'll reconcille on the other side.

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Being weak and timid will get you nowhere here.

 

You'd better man up now.

 

No one deserves this. That's how you should act. It appears she has no remorse and will probably give you more heartache

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Meeting strange guys in hotel rooms isn't something you work out in marriage counseling. That's going to be more along the lines of fairly intensive psychoanalysis. You can't be truly partnered with somebody like that until they've worked through their inner conflicts.

 

Whether you decide to stay together or live apart while she goes through that process, she's not going to be a trustworthy individual until she gets herself figured out.

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If my wife did that we would divorce. That's the end of the story. Married 20 years and that would still be the end. Think about what they did together. Some internet dudescrewed your wife! The only way I would stay is if I had full access to all of her electronics and accounts. Even then, I would be sure she knows that I now have one free hall pass to use any time I want. No negotiation. I may not use it, but then I may.

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I asked her why after almost doing the correct thing and canceling the first person did she then invite the 2nd man and her answer was " i was alone so i thought i might as well" how do you deal with someone of that mentality?

 

You don't. you act. Her answer should have told you that she has no respect for you and she's there for the security and that's it.

 

He answer was a slap in the face and it should tell you that the only reason she shows any remorse id because she got caught.

 

If it was me, I would tell her that she was no longer welcome in the house and that she can return to the hotel and conduct her business from there.

 

I would also let everyone know what she did and let her friends that went with her to never, ever come to you home.

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When I place myself in the shoes of your WW, I could do what she did only after a long period of detachment from you, a sense of disdain and loathing for you and the realization that after months of 'openly' solliciting other men, when found out, you would stay put. I think that your WW tested gradually tested your boundaries and found out that there were none. She could do what she pleased. And she did.

 

This is a hard life lesson for you. Your heart and soul are crushed. Literally you're hanging on by a thread. How to recover from this? I don't know. You seem to be taking this particularely hard, both physicaly and mentally. I hope you find strength in yourself to pull through. I don't think, however, that you have a future with this woman. It's not likely to have an equal relationship with her in the future, to much pollution.

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Have you exposed the other man? Have you exposed her cheating girlfriend who encouraged her to join that site? Get rid of everyone that facilitated her infidelity. Have you made her get tested for all STD's, that's a must regardless if you decide to stay with her or not.

 

Your still thinking your in a relationship with the person you thought you married, that is not the case. It is up to you if you decide to stay with her, it will take you years of counselling to tolerate the sh*t sandwich she expects you to eat in order to do so. There will always be an imbalance because of her intentional infidelity, you need to decide if you can live with that. There is no right or wrong decision just what is it that is right for you.

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Have you exposed the other man? Have you exposed her cheating girlfriend who encouraged her to join that site? Get rid of everyone that facilitated her infidelity. Have you made her get tested for all STD's, that's a must regardless if you decide to stay with her or not.

 

Your still thinking your in a relationship with the person you thought you married, that is not the case. It is up to you if you decide to stay with her, it will take you years of counselling to tolerate the sh*t sandwich she expects you to eat in order to do so. There will always be an imbalance because of her intentional infidelity, you need to decide if you can live with that. There is no right or wrong decision just what is it that is right for you.

 

powys1,

 

Heed Aliveagain, you need to decide if YOU want to stay and reconcile. Only after that decision is made can you deal with what your wife did.

 

If you decide to stay, several things have to happen.

 

One. Your wife needs to be completely open and honest about what she did, if this was the First time, and how she got to this point. She then must show and live complete remorse. It must not be all about her, it must be about showing you that she understands the pain she has inflected, and that you giving her a second chance is a huge gift. Have her read the top link.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/infidelity/365269-things-every-wayward-spouse-needs-know

 

 

Print it out, and hand it to her. If you try and reconcile, I would not hold the threat of divorce over her 24/7, but I would make it really clear, that she has had one mess up and there is no second. This would be for actions after you have found out. I think you will find this is not the first time.

 

Two: You need to set some real boundaries, and rules. She needs to be completely open, completely honest, and needs to work on herself.

 

I am of the opinion that reconciliation is harder then divorce. You may decide to stay for the kids, because you still love her, or other things. If you decide to stay, make sure you try and get to a respectful marriage. Love can follow, but it will take time. Also, remember, that after all your work, she may not want or be able to do her part. Walk away then, knowing you tried.

 

You may decide to end things now. The fact that her ONS was a deliberate thing, not a drunken lapse in judgement, is telling. I think, that she saw what she did as "play" outside of your marriage, and was just looking for the sex. It may help to look at your wife, as a whole person and see if there are other things and actions she has done that follow this pattern. Over spending, being entitled to things, no matter what?

 

I wish you luck, and hope for a better day for you.

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Actually, it shows that she has little or no self respect.

 

OP, from what you have said, this is potentially a problem entirely on her. She needs help. Divorcing or not divorcing is not, for me, the first question.

The question is "does she recognise the need for couselling? for change?" With the little you have said, it appears she is a total amateur at cheating, and you could easily get more insight by looking at the date she registered in the website. Based on what you have said, I doubt she has been doing this "before" as has been suggested.

 

The good thing is you don't have a full blown EA / PA here. you have a woman that wanted to taste strange. It's possible you will discover she won't want to repeat it. But you need to focus on the meaning of her stepping out more than the details of the guys she was with, because as you can see, she wasn't that focussed on either of them as replacement husbands.

 

It's early in terms of processing all of this, and I think you could, given your post, focus as much as possible on determining if she is going to turn this all around and put her energy and emotional commitment back into the marriage.

 

One way to ensure this is to get yourself emotionally back on track and in such a way as she can see you are seriously NOT afraid to give up your marriage to her if that is what you feel is your best move. When she sees you are able to walk away from all of this without hesitation, she will probably dig her heels in and start to shape up. She will see this as her 2nd opportunity for which there will be ZERO tolerance for another.

 

It can happens, it happens a lot. And you might just end up with a stronger sense of commitment in your marriage.

 

Good luck

 

Let me ask you this: If the roles were reversed would she have been so accepting and forgiving as you have been? She needs to be tested for STD's.

 

Her planning and then picking up a different man to have sex with at the hotel shows pretty clearly that she has very little respect for you and your marriage. My guess is that she knows you so well that even if she was caught you would suck it up and stay so she really had nothing to lose. I guess she was correct.

 

If you do not respect yourself then who will?

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Your life is what you will make it.

 

If it were me I would require full exposure. Consequences to her cheating and lying.

 

You have to decide if you can live with this long term. If you can't you're just wasting time/life.

 

If you can you'd better take control of your life now or you'll end up her doormat and live your life as she wants.

 

It's really up to how you handle it. No one else.

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