How do i cope with wifes affair

[sandylee1]

The most painful thing about being betrayed, is that it came from someone you loved and trusted.

 

Your WW needs to understand how her betrayal has affected you. It's important that she does the heavy lifting to try and restore the damage she's caused. She should Google 'things a wayward spouse should do' and 'how to survive infidelity'.

 

You need total transparency and she has to realise that it can take up to 5 years to recover from this , although you will never forget it. Much depends on her remorse. So you don't expect her to say things like. ...

 

Just get over it

Will I have to pay for the rest of my life

Or anything that remotely looks like she'd blaming you

 

Be firm and although it's difficult. ..you must give the impression that you are quite capable of living without her....

[drifter777]

You can't force her to change - she has to do that because she wants to. If you are not prepared to enforce any boundaries or go 180 on her then you just have to put up with her cheating.

 

You say you love her too much to be tough on her and you need her to "support" you while you recuperate from surgery. It's all the same thing: you are afraid to be alone. You want your old life back and figure if you pretend what she's doing isn't all that bad that she'll magically snap out of it and become the wife you thought you were married to. The chances that things will work out this way are zero. You are going to have to care about yourself and your children's well-being enough take some risks.

 

Your wife has no reason to quit cheating - she's having the best time of her life. Why would she quit? It's possible that when she realizes you are going to divorce her she will realize what she's throwing away but don't count on it. Start divorce proceedings for yourself. Start seeing a counselor for yourself and your kids. You are being selfish by just going along with all this bull$hit to avoid facing the truth and the pain that brings with it. But your children need a father who isn't broken so you owe it to yourself and them to take care of yourself and forget about your marriage.

[portwine]

I agree with the poster who replied that she's basically keeping you around as a safety net while trying to find something "better" behind your back. You are in a very tough spot because you love your wife and family and want to work things out, but you need to take into account her actions and not her words. Your wife exhibits traits of a quintessential risk-taker. Those on-line liaisons and meetings in hotel rooms actually appeals to her need for excitement, so consider that carefully when trying to reconcile because a leopard doesn't lose its spots - your wife is who she is and you can't fight city hall.

 

You mentioned that you've been married for fifteen years and have two kids. From my experience with a wayward married woman, this seems to be a trend. The loving and trustworthy wife all of a sudden laments the fact that she mired in a humdrum marriage, and she now clamors for excitement, passion, and sex with other men. Women in their forties and fifties can all of a sudden do things that are diametrically opposite to the model wife they appeared when you married them. And when they hang out with other like-minded women egging each other on.....watch out! I've seen it happen a lot.

 

The bottom line is that she can't be trusted because of her actions. I asked the married girlfriend once what she would do if she were to ever be confronted about her actions, and her reply was that she was going to deny it until the end. Be careful going forward my friend - she is not the same person you knew fifteen years ago.

Edited November 1, 2015 by portwine

[happyman64]

Pow

 

 

All great advice but read aliveagains post.

 

 

You need to show your wife consequences for her actions.

 

 

She planned this out for months.

She put yours and her health at risk.

She lied and TT's you.

 

 

Expose her cheating. Nail the OM and her GF that knew about thishookup.

 

 

More importantly do not let her infidelity kill you!

 

 

Get strong and healthy.

 

 

HM

[m.snow]

I am sorry that you are here. Know that you are not alone and thousands if not millions of people experience what you are feeling right now.

 

you may choose to seek professional help by seeking a counselor a marriage counselor or individual council.

 

for this relationship to continue your wife must show desire to enter into ways to fix the relationship. ie going into counseling.

 

I see that she has already done the first step that is to remove contact.

 

I would suggest that she provide her passwords and access to her phone for a while.

 

know that you will always feel bad about this. And it may take time a lot of time to heal. Wife must also understand that it takes a lot of time to heal.

this would be explained in counseling, this is about future expectation.

 

know that you may trigger and that your anger may get the better of you. learn to identify and find ways to deal.

 

Understand the reason why she did what she did. this is best done through counseling.

 

Again seek a professional and find a relationship counselor.

[Buckeye2]

She also said on a few occasions she was not sure if she wanted to be with me and was falling out of love. Now she swears she was confused and does truly love me.

 

You give her security and stability. That’s probably why she married you. As the years go by security and stability can get boring and you tend to take it for granted. It’s like a fish doesn’t know that it’s in water. Your wife just wanted some excitement and to be a bad girl. Any guy would do.

 

Now she’s like a fish that realizes that the water can be taken away. Now she loves you so much.

 

I bet the 2nd person could not believe his luck. Gets invited to a hotel. Gets dinner bought for him and then back to the hotel for sex and dressed up for. I asked her why she had to dress up and she said it gave her courage.

 

She dressed up because she was tired of being the good wife and wanted to look the part of a bad girl. Dressing up for a stranger may have been more fun than the sex.

 

There is an old saying that men give love for sex and women give sex for love. You had to be all in order for her to dress up for you. (Kids, sharing day to day problems and growing old together.) You’re upset because the other man got her goodies for free while you paid full price. Now she’s asking you to continue paying full price for goodies that are no longer special.

[Buckeye2]

The following is from an old post:

 

"Last year my wife woke up one morning and said she wanted to be on her own. I gave her space and moved out. 1 week later I found out she was having an affair. She moved him into my house the same day with my 2 girls and step son. She then got engaged and talked about having a baby with him.

 

I went on holiday with my 2 girls, but on the return she stopped them from seeing me. It took me 6 weeks to get to see them again. She also dumped all my posessions on my mothers driveway. When I bought a new house and started getting on with a life on my own, she made it very hard for me to see my girls. Would not let them stay over and would arrange doctor appointments etc when I was ment to have them.

 

Anyway 4 months later the affair ended, as she said she loved me. I was reluctant at first but after a while I accepted her back. I could not go back to my old home so they moved into my new home. The thing is now, 6 months on, I cannot forget what happened. Everyday I think about some part of those 4 monts. I try not to but cannot help it. I am now thinking I would be better on my own!!! as this is driving me mad. What should I do? What have others done?"

[powys1]

Here is the part i have failed to mention and this is probably were you tell me i deserve all i get, she has cheated on me before we were married, she started talking to him a week earlier on "AOL INSTANT MESSENGER" after speaking to his person for just over 1 week she invited him to are home late one night after i walked out over an argument that she should not be talking to a man she met on AOL, she kept insisting he was just a friend to talk to, strange how a few hours after me walking out he ended up in our bed, why i ended up sleeping on a friends sofa hopeing she would call me up and ask me to come home.

 

This is the problem is that she thinks all these men want her, instead of realising that the main reason why these men are willing to travel for hours to meet her is to bed her, as i said to her this is not dating this is meeting up for sex. why she is putting herself out there on dating websites etc she is going to come across these men who are looking for any king if relationship in the hope of getting there leg over, if this was about finding her soul mate then why meet up in hotel rooms and take stockings and suspenders

 

 

So i know i know i deserve what i am going through now, and still she insists she will never hurt me again....

Edited November 2, 2015 by powys1
edit

[Buckeye2]

So i know i know deserve what i am going through now, and still she insists she will never hurt me again.

 

I think she means that she will be very very careful in the future.

[qubist]

 

 

So i know i know i deserve what i am going through now, and still she insists she will never hurt me again....

the problem is she already promised you that before and yet did it again. the question that you should ask yourself before you ask her is what changed?

she must see then address why she feels she need to be used for sex by other men, before you consider to Reconcile.

[aliveagain]

Your best predictor of your future together is to look at your history with her. I see pain and more men because her promises mean sh*t and are made just to keep you from leaving her cheating a$$. If she won't honour her word or her vows hit her where it hurts, financially. As a requirement of reconciliation have her sign a brutal post nuptial agreement giving you most of the assets if you divorce because of a new infidelity. Even if it is hard to inforce it will cost her to prove it unenforceable in Court. It will act as a future deterrent. Have you made her have all STD testing done, you wrote that you did for yourself but it is important to have her feel the shame of being tested. Testing brings reality to her infidelity and this too is a future deterrent.

 

Think hard and long before you decide on a future with her. You know that if the opportunity arises and she thinks that she can get away with cheating she won't hesitate to act on it. Talk to a lawyer about a post nuptial because you just can't trust this woman, sorry, my opinion.

[powys1]

Yes i made her come with me to the clinic. It took 2 weeks for the results to come back all clear although the test does not check for hiv etc, they stated 6 to 8 weeks later to check bloods for other diseases such as aids as it would take this long to show. She has been sterilised so i think her mentality is that because she can not get pregnant she does not have to use protection. I think she thinks std,s are just an exageration and nothing to be worried about. As i said to her it is cruel and unfair that she also risks my sexual health. I think she thinks she can tell if someone has an std or not just by looking at them.

Edited November 2, 2015 by powys1

[TX-SC]

Man, would you seriously just divorce this woman and move on!?!

 

You can do WAY better than this.

[lolablue17]

She had probably cheated on you many times, and of course admitted only the 2 times you caught her.

 

I understand that you are weak now, mentally and physicaly (your eyes). But the worst thing that can happen to you is if you stay out of weakness.

 

If she thinks you're weak she will not only cheat on you again and again, she will also lose respect and feeling for you. The only way she can respect you is if you treat yourself as a man with dignity and self respect.

 

You wonder how can she not see that they all want sex with her. Well, I have a surprise for you. She wants sex as well, just like them. The reason she'd desired to cheat was because she wanted sex and excitements. The reason she let herself actually do it was because she could. Because she know you're weak and will stay anyhow.

 

I believe her when she says she doesn't want to hurt you no more. I also believe she will change her mind in the future.

[kgcolonel]

She had probably cheated on you many times, and of course admitted only the 2 times you caught her.

 

I understand that you are weak now, mentally and physicaly (your eyes). But the worst thing that can happen to you is if you stay out of weakness.

 

If she thinks you're weak she will not only cheat on you again and again, she will also lose respect and feeling for you. The only way she can respect you is if you treat yourself as a man with dignity and self respect.

 

You wonder how can she not see that they all want sex with her. Well, I have a surprise for you. She wants sex as well, just like them. The reason she'd desired to cheat was because she wanted sex and excitements. The reason she let herself actually do it was because she could. Because she know you're weak and will stay anyhow.

 

I believe her when she says she doesn't want to hurt you no more. I also believe she will change her mind in the future.

 

 

Until the next time she is bored or the next opportunity.....

[Marc878]

You know what to do. The problem here is you.

 

What's it going to take for you to realize that?

 

You can't fix her but you'd better fix yourself. You need to have a life.

 

There are much better out there.

[Mr Blunt]

You need to make a plan for you and your children to the exclusion of her. Do not let her interfere with your plans for you to build yourself back up. You will be tempted to try and ease your hurt and will probably compromise your good sense because of your emotions. If your wife is serious about improving your marriage then she will have to suffer her pain and do a lot of positive things for a very long time. You should not waste your energy with her at all but use all your energy to improve yourself body, mind, emotion, and spirit.

 

 

If she is really serious about you and the marriage she will be doing a lot of things to prove that she is going to change. She has proven 15 years ago and again this year that she does not take loyalty, truthfulness, and faithfulness very serious. Do NOT believe anything except actions. Her words and emotions will mean nothing without ACTIONS for a long time.

 

 

You need to take care of yourself as you have seen that she cannot be trusted to take care of you but in fact has proven that she will replace you with another man to satisfy her desires.

[Just a Guy]

Hi Powys, After reading your thread all I can say is that your wife is silently screaming at you that she is a serial cheater and always wiil be and that you had better lump it and carry on regardless. You are shouting back at her silently that you will kow tow to all her wishes and desires and give her free rein to do as she wishes as long as she continues staying with you. Of course she is laughing behind your back because she knows she has you where she wants you and that, protest as much as you may, you are going to be her obedient little puppy and not cause her any grief.

She has no incentive to change her cheating ways and she is not going to. So the question is why are you here? You are not going to take any of the good advice being offered to you because you don't want to leave her or want her to leave you. You are probably wanting someone here to tell you how to quell your pain and humiliation so that you can go on living in Happy Fairyland and ignore all the unpleasant thoughts and feelings that plague you.

Well as you can guess, no one on here in his or her right mind is going to offer you that kind of toxic advice. You are going to keep on hearing advice that tells you to man up and leave your cheating wife to her own devices and move on with your life in a non toxic atmosphere where you will regain your peace of mind and be able to find a woman who will lowlove you for yourself and make you happy. In the end it is a choice you alone have to make for your own good. Cheers!

Edited November 3, 2015 by Just a Guy

[portwine]

Okay.......everything is a lot clearer now after having read your additional posts. It's obvious that the problem is not just her but you're also a contributor because of you enabling her. She's been doing this for a long time, testing your boundaries and seeing what you will put up with. You've conveyed to her that you're willing to put up with all sorts of abuse that they average guy won't put up with. You need to set boundaries and move on; this ship has sailed and your wife is never going to change.

[flowergirl14]

The following is from an old post:

 

"Last year my wife woke up one morning and said she wanted to be on her own. I gave her space and moved out. 1 week later I found out she was having an affair. She moved him into my house the same day with my 2 girls and step son. She then got engaged and talked about having a baby with him.

 

I went on holiday with my 2 girls, but on the return she stopped them from seeing me. It took me 6 weeks to get to see them again. She also dumped all my posessions on my mothers driveway. When I bought a new house and started getting on with a life on my own, she made it very hard for me to see my girls. Would not let them stay over and would arrange doctor appointments etc when I was ment to have them.

 

Anyway 4 months later the affair ended, as she said she loved me. I was reluctant at first but after a while I accepted her back. I could not go back to my old home so they moved into my new home. The thing is now, 6 months on, I cannot forget what happened. Everyday I think about some part of those 4 monts. I try not to but cannot help it. I am now thinking I would be better on my own!!! as this is driving me mad. What should I do? What have others done?"

 

You should open up a seperate thread. Im sure you will ge a lot of feedback. As far as R goes just because you let her come back to you doesnt mean its over for you. It never goes out of your mind. You could tell her ... this isnt working for me. I will never forgive or forget. Not everyone (in fact very few) can overcome infidelity.

[Buckeye2]

You should open up a seperate thread. Im sure you will ge a lot of feedback. As far as R goes just because you let her come back to you doesnt mean its over for you. It never goes out of your mind. You could tell her ... this isnt working for me. I will never forgive or forget. Not everyone (in fact very few) can overcome infidelity.

 

I'm sorry if I wasn't clear. This was an old post by someone else.