At what point do we decide that our lives would be better spent with other people?

[dontforgetyourname]

I’m a 28 years old and have been married now for three years to my wife Katie. My question is rooted in the evolution of our relationship.

 

When we initially met we were working at a ski resort. I had just broken up with my previous girlfriend when Katie asked me out on a date. I was reluctant, because I knew I should take some time off in between relationships, but I find it hard to say no. I knew from the start that we were very different people. I guess I trusted the “opposites attract” montra.

 

Most of the time we spent dating we were in long distance situations where we would see each other for only brief periods of time. I was working in Seattle and she was about 2 hours away. I’m not sure when the switch from having fun to serious relationship was made, but after almost two years of dating I felt pressured from multiple angles to propose. Aside from the first two months we dated, we never lived in the same city until almost halfway through our engagement.

 

Almost six years later it's become clear that we have few shared interests. I think the distance masked a lot of faults in our relationship. If we were dating in the same city for that amount of time and saw each other more frequently, I don’t think we would have gotten married, we would have seen the flaws come out during that time. Additionally, I think we are both very different people now that we are in our late 20s vs fresh out of college. I know people change over time, but in your 20s as many studies have shown, peoples interests and world-views are still maturing and evolving at a rate much greater to those of people in their 30s or beyond.

 

I have always loved surfing, ultimate frisbee and other adventurous types of sports. My wife dreads them. I like going to the gym or participating on a sports team, while Katie would rather take the dog for a walk. We rarely even enjoy the same types of TV shows. Also, like many marriages I hear about, sex has also become almost a chore.

 

In reality, we are living as roommates. I still love my wife, but at what point do we decide that our lives would be better spent with other people? I don’t view divorce in the same, horrible manner as I used to; however, it still makes me very uneasy and uncomfortable thinking about the idea. I doubt any outsider would tell you they thought anything was wrong in our marriage. No one is abusing the other, etc. we just don’t have that much in common.

 

Now I don’t want this part to distract from the point of this post, but I do feel it’s important. My dad, brother, aunts and uncles all have suffered from some degree of anxiety and depression over the years. I have never seen anyone about it, but I know I have both to some mild degree. I also feel like I have some social issues similar to someone with aspergers. I often find it hard to make and keep friends, miss social cues, etc. I say this, because on some level, I think I will have a difficult time with any relationship over time.

 

If I were giving me advice, I would likely say something like, “Decide if that relationship is enough or if you feel like you need more.” In reality, I don’t know and that's the most difficult part. I realize the grass isn’t always greener on the other side, but I also don’t want to look back on my life with regret. I know I can’t rely on my spouse for my happiness, but I also want to be able to share my passions and life experiences.

 

Thoughts?

[LoveMyCat]

If you are still childless, maybe getting out sooner rather than later is best. I had a brief early marriage that I ended after five years, and now, for me, it is ancient history. It happened but seems like a blip on the screen, as I had a 20+ yr marriage later on (which ended recently). Liking to do the same things is not imperative, if at the core, your overall beliefs and goals are similar. But it is nice to have things you enjoy doing together.

 

Do you feel like counseling will bring you closer? Do you know if your wife is happy, or is she too feeling the marriage to be something of a "bore" for lack of another word? It would be advisable, I think, to find out her feelings, ask her if she would consider counseling, which is never a bad idea even if you eventually split, and go from there. Unless you have already made the decision in your head and heart that this is not working, counseling might help you both see ways to become more of a couple.