Fighting all the time - wants to give away my dog!

October 28, 2015

I am writing for some feedback. I had an awful fight with my husband last night and I just don't know how much more I can take. Maybe I'm just sensitive, IDK. I need feedback.

The fight began because he was telling me that I shouldn't pay the bill to my divorce attorney. He didn't do the work very quickly and he was extremely poor in his performance. BUT - he's about to send me to collections. My husband says "we aren't paying that Mother Fu**er!"

The bill is about 4 thousand (remaining) and I wanted to make monthly good faith payments. He says no.

I said, please don't say you can't trust my judgment. I am a very smart woman with a kick ass job and I can't even get you to agree to pay my bills?? I said, please don't question me.

He went off and said that is why my ex husband is my ex -- because he didn't question me and I did whatever I wanted. (I filed for divorce from my ex for cheating on me! Nothing to do with that at all!)

Then the fight escalated into "I just don't know how to talk to you....I thought you had good common sense!" He was screaming at me in the car and I calmly said I'm no longer fighting. I was going to be silent. He said, "that means you have nothing to say because you know I'm right."

Then, it went on and on with him saying that I act like money grows on trees and that we have bills to pay. I said then why are you looking at planning a ski trip? He said that didn't mean anything....(Even though he even had quotes etc)

He said I need to get a clue....that I am a "coward" because I don't like to fight. And then said "nothing makes you happy ....and screamed that he can't deal with my games and insanity. That I'm smarter than this...and I'm nothing more than a manipulative game player.!

After all of that -- I was crying. Things calmed down. He got distracted. I knew we hadn't been together in 2 days and so I went and put on lingerie pjs and came and sat on the couch with him. He wasn't really talking...but he was okay. So, I stood up suggesting ... we go to bed. I asked if he would please put the dog away because we don't have sex with the dog in the bed. He said..WHAT? And was kind of pissy....He said what do you want me to do with the dog again? I said "whatever you want... clearly he didn't want to "be with me".

So, I was laying in bed silent. He said what happened to that woman who was so enamored with me??? Why are you so cold to me now? I said you just insulted me left and right and I'm the one who came to the living room in lingerie! I asked you to put the dog away....

So, his response? He BLEW UP SCREAMING that he was going to give my dog away because he isn't make me happy, either!" And the dog is "a problem". He said he was giving him away this morning.

I cried myself to sleep....he kept trying to talk to me. I remained silent. He kept saying things like..."I don't know how this is going to last? This fighting is producing scars... You think I want to live the rest of my life like this???"

I cried -- silently. When we woke up this morning he was fighting still...but told me all he wants to do is make me happy and he's frustrated that he feels he can't. I said well it's easy...this fight was over paying my attorney?? Why??? He maintained that I just "don't get it" and I'm naive...

He says he loves me SO much -- but he just doesn't see me enamored with him like before. We have sex DAILY! He says it's just a "gut feeling"...

I said ...I get stressed or preoccupied with work thoughts -- but that has nothing to do with you. He said that I should be grateful for his house etc.. and our lifestyle. (I contribute 40 percent of the income!) I said I work hard, too! He said "You just don't get it..."

October 28, 2015

I strongly suggest you invest some money into marital counselling because it seems to me you've just traded in one "cosidetto" for another one...

(when talking about people of this kind, 'cosidetto' in Italian is a euphemism for someone who deserves very negative description)

Anyway....

You're living with a man who is clearly bent on some form of control.

This comment:

"that means you have nothing to say because you know I'm right."

Flapped red flags at me.

He interprets your behaviour in a way to suit himself and merely give himself an edge - even though it's patently clear to him that you don't think that at all. He's putting you into a corner where you have no choice but to defend yourself.

It's a classical ploy by a bully.

It's controlling and classified as abusive.

In your shoes, I'd take the dog and move out to somewhere safe.

And tell him you really want this to work, but you're not prepared to tolerate his attitude, and you insist you both go to Counselling.

But if he upsets you to the point of distressing you to tears....

I mean, really....

How much are you honestly prepared to put up with?

You may be a savvy woman, but emotionally, you're vulnerable, and he seems to have an aggressive edge that debilitates you.

So wrong.

So, so wrong.

October 28, 2015

you're married to a control freak and an abuser. I do hope he gives that dog away because only God knows what he will do in an access of fury.

Get therapy for yourself and convince him to go to marriage counseling. He is mindf*cking you with his hunches only to get better control of you. Your money is your money and you owe that cash to that lawyer, however poor and mediocre he is.

You've got poor boundaries and he will end up being physically abusive VERY soon. Go get help - all the help you can.

October 28, 2015

Yes, we are fighting a lot. He likes to twist things around and tell me I'm a problem.

Like this morning....he said "we need to save money." I said Okay..he said why don't we cut the gym. I know that isn't what he wants ...he loves the gym. He uses it -- but I run outside.

I said, sure...I can definitely cut the gym because I always run -- but I don't want you to do that since it's your thing...but whatever you think needs to be done.

He said "omg - what's wrong with you? You can't make a dam* decision." I said I am leaving this up to you....your choice. You are the one making this suggestion...I am happy to continue going with you...but if YOU think we should cut...let's do it.

He said "I'm in disbelief by the games you play...you don't want to make a decision!" I said "WHAT am I doing wrong??" He said so you will never go to the gym again??? I said I will and I will go with you...if you chose to keep it! But, it's not me making this suggestion.

He said ...this is why I just can't talk to you. You can't make up your mind and you like to play games.

October 28, 2015

Don't get rid of the dog. Do learn to stand up to your husband.

As for your lawyers' bill & your need to save money, call your local bar association. Most states have a fee arbitration program when you can go & dispute the amount you are being charged. Avail yourself of that program but be prepared to go line item by line item & explain why each one was unreasonable. Faced with fee arb, some lawyers will be more open to compromising the bill.

October 28, 2015

I have already disputed this bill. He has discounted it already -- but my husband simply refuses.

I also needed elective surgery recently -- to remove some skin tissue on my face and I told him about it last week (insurance won't cover 4k)....but I could pay over time. He blew up about that and said that I am demanding and clearly don't understand priorities. I said this is my health! I need to get this done pretty soon (I have been waiting a year already!)

He said he just can't see how I could be so clueless. Meanwhile - he just bought himself a brand new car and iPhone -- and signed a car loan for his 16 year old -- and pays 300 a month for his car payment. IN ADDITION to 1900 in child support!

October 28, 2015

Yes, we are fighting a lot. He likes to twist things around and tell me I'm a problem.

He said ...this is why I just can't talk to you. You can't make up your mind and you like to play games.

he is twisting it, putting the blame on you so that he can get the upper hand, be always right and further manipulate and abuse you.

I know you are here to vent... but the only real question is "did you set up a date to go to marriage counseling?"

October 28, 2015

I am writing for some feedback. I had an awful fight with my husband last night and I just don't know how much more I can take. Maybe I'm just sensitive, IDK. I need feedback.

The fight began because he was telling me that I shouldn't pay the bill to my divorce attorney. He didn't do the work very quickly and he was extremely poor in his performance. BUT - he's about to send me to collections. My husband says "we aren't paying that Mother Fu**er!"
The bill is about 4 thousand (remaining) and I wanted to make monthly good faith payments. He says no.

I said, please don't say you can't trust my judgment. I am a very smart woman with a kick ass job and I can't even get you to agree to pay my bills?? I said, please don't question me.

This shouldn't even be his call. It's your bill. It's your money. It would affect YOUR credit not to pay it. Make your payments as planned. He gets no say.

He went off and said that is why my ex husband is my ex -- because he didn't question me and I did whatever I wanted. (I filed for divorce from my ex for cheating on me! Nothing to do with that at all!)

Except this isn't about your husband doing what you want. This is about him letting YOU do what you want. Completely different thing!

Then the fight escalated into "I just don't know how to talk to you....I thought you had good common sense!" He was screaming at me in the car and I calmly said I'm no longer fighting. I was going to be silent. He said, "that means you have nothing to say because you know I'm right."

Let him think that. Who cares if he thinks you believe he is right?

Then, it went on and on with him saying that I act like money grows on trees and that we have bills to pay. I said then why are you looking at planning a ski trip? He said that didn't mean anything....(Even though he even had quotes etc)

He said I need to get a clue....that I am a "coward" because I don't like to fight. And then said "nothing makes you happy ....and screamed that he can't deal with my games and insanity. That I'm smarter than this...and I'm nothing more than a manipulative game player.!

This guy sounds terrible. He's blameshifting, gaslighting, countering, and being emotionally abusive to you.

So, I was laying in bed silent. He said what happened to that woman who was so enamored with me??? Why are you so cold to me now? I said you just insulted me left and right and I'm the one who came to the living room in lingerie! I asked you to put the dog away....

So, his response? He BLEW UP SCREAMING that he was going to give my dog away because he isn't make me happy, either!" And the dog is "a problem". He said he was giving him away this morning.

I cried myself to sleep....he kept trying to talk to me. I remained silent. He kept saying things like..."I don't know how this is going to last? This fighting is producing scars... You think I want to live the rest of my life like this???"

I cried -- silently. When we woke up this morning he was fighting still...but told me all he wants to do is make me happy and he's frustrated that he feels he can't. I said well it's easy...this fight was over paying my attorney?? Why??? He maintained that I just "don't get it" and I'm naive...

How are you naive here? You don't want your credit ruined - that is actually very mature.

He says he loves me SO much -- but he just doesn't see me enamored with him like before. We have sex DAILY! He says it's just a "gut feeling"...

Well, he's right, right? It's difficult to be enamored with someone who is mean and critical and blaming and discounting and argumentative and dismissive.

His "gut feeling" is simply fear that you see through him, and aren't going to put up with all that anymore.

So he will need to double-down on the insults and pain he inflicts on you, so that you become weak and fearful and won't leave.

I said ...I get stressed or preoccupied with work thoughts -- but that has nothing to do with you. He said that I should be grateful for his house etc.. and our lifestyle. (I contribute 40 percent of the income!) I said I work hard, too! He said "You just don't get it..."

He is the one who doesn't get it. Because he is the kind of person who sees every interaction having a winner and a loser. Pick up the book "The Verbally Abusive Relationship" and read about the two realities that you are living in.

People who live in Reality 1 don't argue to solve problems - they argue to win. A successful argument is one that leaves them walking away a winner, and their partner a loser.

Reality 2 is one of mutuality. The goal of an argument is to solve an issue. The two partners work together to solve an issue, with the goal of BOTH of them coming out winners, getting as much of what they want as possible.

If your husband is a Reality 1 guy - and it sounds like he is - then nothing you can do will give you a Reality 2 relationship with him. He has a different goal than you do, which is why it seems as if you are speaking two different languages.

October 28, 2015

I have already disputed this bill. He has discounted it already -- but my husband simply refuses.

He said he just can't see how I could be so clueless. Meanwhile - he just bought himself a brand new car and iPhone -- and signed a car loan for his 16 year old -- and pays 300 a month for his car payment. IN ADDITION to 1900 in child support!

He can refuse as much as he cares and wants. It's your own money so go pay that lawyer. MAybe ask for an additional discount, because this new marriage isn't holding out too well...

October 28, 2015

He won't go to counseling. He says he doesn't need it and that the problem is me.

He says if I would just show appreciation and act happier (he watches me constantly to see the looks on my face).

He will say things like "there you have the confident Lip..." "You have the worried tense lips now..." "You have the F me lip now...look at you...you are so cocky.."

He says this stuff all day long to me... he watches me like a hawk. Then he will say I think you are hiding something from me... you look nervous. He will hold my hand and take my pulse...to see if my heart is beating hard.

It's exhausting. Some days ..are perfect (that's what keeps me)....but lately he is just ALL Over me.

October 28, 2015

He won't go to counseling. He says he doesn't need it and that the problem is me.
He says if I would just show appreciation and act happier (he watches me constantly to see the looks on my face).

He will say things like "there you have the confident Lip..." "You have the worried tense lips now..." "You have the F me lip now...look at you...you are so cocky.."

He says this stuff all day long to me... he watches me like a hawk. Then he will say I think you are hiding something from me... you look nervous. He will hold my hand and take my pulse...to see if my heart is beating hard.

It's exhausting. Some days ..are perfect (that's what keeps me)....but lately he is just ALL Over me.

This sounds really exhausting. Again - it is because he wants to keep the upper hand. He watches you closely to make sure he is still the winner.

I want you to think about the days that are "perfect". What makes them so? Is it because he is at peace and is getting his needs met, so he doesn't have to watch and criticize you and you can relax? Is it because you've done enough to make him happy that day?

October 28, 2015

OP - sounds like he has a mental problem. Really does. As you are living with him, this actually affects you.

See a therapist. FAST.

October 28, 2015

The problem is HE controls the money. He won't even give me access to the bank account. He says that is the way things have to be...

I have asked for my own money -- did that last night during the fight. He said that if we do that, "what's the point of being married?"

He went on to say that if he got a promotion of more money -- I will never get a dime. He also said he doesn't think I would be responsible enough to handle my own money.

He even called a friend of his -- who I hired to do business with -- for my work. He wanted to verify that the amount I said he charged was truly that amount. He said "he needed to make sure!"

He can refuse as much as he cares and wants. It's your own money so go pay that lawyer. MAybe ask for an additional discount, because this new marriage isn't holding out too well...

October 28, 2015

He won't go to counseling. He says he doesn't need it and that the problem is me.

So you go. Alone.

If he says the problem is you, let him think that is why you are going - to address your problems.

But really, you need to go discuss your relationship and decide what you want to do here.

October 28, 2015

The problem is HE controls the money. He won't even give me access to the bank account. He says that is the way things have to be...

I have asked for my own money -- did that last night during the fight. He said that if we do that, "what's the point of being married?"

Go change your direct deposit, and get a check instead. Or open your own account. This is CRAZY! You see that, don't you?

He went on to say that if he got a promotion of more money -- I will never get a dime. He also said he doesn't think I would be responsible enough to handle my own money.

He even called a friend of his -- who I hired to do business with -- for my work. He wanted to verify that the amount I said he charged was truly that amount. He said "he needed to make sure!"

UGH! Girl!!!! Come on! Do you not see that he is abusive and controlling and you can do better than this!??!?!?!?

October 28, 2015

The problem is HE controls the money. He won't even give me access to the bank account. He says that is the way things have to be...

I have asked for my own money -- did that last night during the fight. He said that if we do that, "what's the point of being married?"

He went on to say that if he got a promotion of more money -- I will never get a dime. He also said he doesn't think I would be responsible enough to handle my own money.

He even called a friend of his -- who I hired to do business with -- for my work. He wanted to verify that the amount I said he charged was truly that amount. He said "he needed to make sure!"

you are a grown woman. stop making stupid excuses and go to the bank and get a different bank account.

Talk to your employer and tell them to send the salary on this different bank account. He only controls you if you allow it. So don't.

October 28, 2015

The problem is HE controls the money. He won't even give me access to the bank account. He says that is the way things have to be...

I have asked for my own money -- did that last night during the fight. He said that if we do that, "what's the point of being married?"

He went on to say that if he got a promotion of more money -- I will never get a dime. He also said he doesn't think I would be responsible enough to handle my own money.

He even called a friend of his -- who I hired to do business with -- for my work. He wanted to verify that the amount I said he charged was truly that amount. He said "he needed to make sure!"

You can't change your direct deposit to another account?

October 28, 2015

mydestiny,

You have some major problems.

How long have you been married, and did you really know him first? Seems like some issues that have been there.

From a few things you say, you seem to have a sort of reasonably good basis, but have some major problems that need to be addressed.

First, he needs help.... either from you (which will be hard) or from a professional. He needs to understand a few basics, and you can help support hi to get there.....

First, he needs to NEVER yell at you, for any reason (and of course, likewise).

Second, he needs to understand your needs and help you achieve them.

Third, he desperately needs a money counselor. Buying a new car and signing for his 16 yo son is financial suicide. Any consumer debt will kill you.

Do you share you money and income, or do you keep it separate and split bills? As a married couple, you SHOULD have a common account for all of the things that you both share, plus some personal things like health items, etc. You should BOTH agree on what to spend money on, and you both should have decided about your previous debts before getting married. Yes, you should pay your lawyer if that's what you agreed to do, and a good husband would help.

Perhaps a good start is the 5 Love Languages, if you'll both read it and make and effort. Then get some good info about arguing, and what to do and not do, if you disagree. You both need to be on the same page.... maybe not right from the start, but eventually.... and progress should be made that direction.

Good luck.

October 28, 2015

I can...but I don't think our relationship will survive that. He is so controlling with money...and everything. I think it would make our marriage impossible. He would be more of a maniac that he already is.

He's so cheap with things that don't benefit him. For example, he won't even pay for things for his kids because he accuses his ex and her husband of spending the child support on their pool etc.

So, he won't pay even co-pays on the child's MRI. It's gone to collections. And he makes a lot of money --

TO her credit -- the daughter called him and got very upset that he had the money for a brand new car and not for her medical bill. He immediately told her that was the ex wife not properly allocating money and he is paying his support and that's all he's obligated to do...and the car is not their business.

You can't change your direct deposit to another account?

October 28, 2015

He will not agree on a joint account and he said that he will not allow me to go over expenses with him and make decisions together - because "he just doesn't work that way and refuses to be treated like a child."

Believe me - I have requested that we have an account together and sit down every week and if he wants to handle the bills -- maybe he can just tell me what he's doing. He said, "I don't need your permission...for anything."

THAT was a horrible fight, too. He said that he just won't do it. If I want my own money...he will give me that and will not be helping me out financially etc...

He said he will be even worse of a nightmare because he will be sure to nickel and dime me for everything ...and if that's what I want.... good luck.

The fact that he called me a "coward" and "insane" "manipulative game player..."

All of these things are very hard for me to swallow.... and then to say he wants to get rid of my dog?

mydestiny,

You have some major problems.

How long have you been married, and did you really know him first? Seems like some issues that have been there.

From a few things you say, you seem to have a sort of reasonably good basis, but have some major problems that need to be addressed.

First, he needs help.... either from you (which will be hard) or from a professional. He needs to understand a few basics, and you can help support hi to get there.....

First, he needs to NEVER yell at you, for any reason (and of course, likewise).
Second, he needs to understand your needs and help you achieve them.
Third, he desperately needs a money counselor. Buying a new car and signing for his 16 yo son is financial suicide. Any consumer debt will kill you.

Do you share you money and income, or do you keep it separate and split bills? As a married couple, you SHOULD have a common account for all of the things that you both share, plus some personal things like health items, etc. You should BOTH agree on what to spend money on, and you both should have decided about your previous debts before getting married. Yes, you should pay your lawyer if that's what you agreed to do, and a good husband would help.

Perhaps a good start is the 5 Love Languages, if you'll both read it and make and effort. Then get some good info about arguing, and what to do and not do, if you disagree. You both need to be on the same page.... maybe not right from the start, but eventually.... and progress should be made that direction.

Good luck.

October 28, 2015

well, sounds like you've got yourself quite a catch there OP, you might as well enjoy it! I at least hope that sex is bloody amazing

October 28, 2015

I realize that it is hard to judge from just the little I have said. But, I am wondering is there anything here that I can do to improve these things?

I make a good living. I definitely don't spend anything close to what I bring in. In fact, he's asked me to cut back even more during one of his temper tantrums.

He went and bought this new car with a 1200 dollar monthly payment. And he says we "both" get to use it. No, I have my own car that I also have a car payment (for which I pay)....

Some days he is singing happy tunes -- saying we are in great financial shape. (Or at least much better...)

The others it's gloom and doom. Just yesterday he told me he knows that I want a bedroom set -- I've been suggesting we get in for awhile.

I knew we were strapped after the car purchase a couple of months ago (but he still took me to the store). I literally was texting him at the cashier and saying...let's not do this. We need to save money. So, again -- we left. No furniture.

Well back to yesterday -- he said that he wanted to go surprise me and get the bed. I said...are you sure??? He said...yes. I want you to be happy and I know that will be something you want. I said well let's talk about it. He said...why don't we just do the 0 interest card and get all the furniture you want. We can do that! I didn't comment.

Then ONE HOUR later -- he called me on the way home from the store telling me that a 400 dolllar deposit had not been returned on time and he can't believe the "FUC*ing BI$CH" didn't return the money within a day of the hold. (It was from a rental agreement). I immediately texted her and got the confirmation number that the deposit was on its way back -- and showed him.

He blew up and said he had no idea how we were going to pay our taxes at the end of the year and that are in "real trouble". I said wait...you just wanted to buy furniture and go on a ski trip??? He said "i'm trying to make you happy....it's crazy you can't see that..." He said by my pointing this out -- I was clearly ungrateful and out of touch. And I like to always be the victim.

I have repeatedly said -- PEACE and no money fights will make me happy. His response? Oh now it's MY Fault? everything is MY FAULT??? You just want to blame ...and play a game with me. You are "insane".

well, sounds like you've got yourself quite a catch there OP, you might as well enjoy it! I at least hope that sex is bloody amazing

October 28, 2015

But, I am wondering is there anything here that I can do to improve these things?

- You can take control of your own money. He doesn't want to be treated like a child? Well, neither do you. Open your own account. Figure out what half the bills are. Give that to him each month. Keep the rest of your money.

- You can quit "testing" him. You know he is a jerk, so why test him?

- You can quit engaging in arguments with him. Rather than jump up to defend yourself when he goes into an irrational tirade, simply validate his FEELINGS. "I am sorry you are feeling impatient." "I understand you are hurt." Don't keep volleying the ball back to him so he can just keep hurting you.

- You can drop all your expectations of him being a rational human, because he isn't. Just understand that you cannot count on him to put YOU first, so you need to take care of yourself and your needs - including paying that bill so he doesn't ruin you financially.

October 28, 2015

You cannot change other people. Other people can change themselves. You have no control over your husband, and your influence over him is limited.

What you can do is admit this and gain perspective on this situation - maybe some awareness too. Talk to a trained psychiatrist who can help you make sense of all of this disaster. They can explain about your husband's bipolar issues and how to best handle them - if that is possible.

The other thing you could do is go on BC pronto, just in case.

The healthiest thing you should do is to remove yourself from this situation asap.

October 28, 2015

I can barely bring myself to read this. You traded one jerk for another. Your husband is abusive. I don't care what anyone tells you -- he's an abuser and he's abusing you. And I can tell you for a fact that counseling is a complete waste of time. These people do not change. Staying with him means a lifetime of misery. Pay your attorney fees and divorce this loser.

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Fighting all the time - wants to give away my dog!

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