Why did I cheat on the perfect husband?

October 28, 2015

I have been married for 4 years with a man I love dearly, but I cheated on him for about 1/2 a year with a former co-worker. I only did it for the attention so I changed jobs. I love my husband and now I cannot stop thinking about what I did to him. We lost our home due to a fire and are living with friends until our home gets repaired, which has put a lot of stress on both of us. I have become very jealous and self-conscious. I am always checking his cell phone, email, calling him at work. I imagine that if I was able to cheat on him and he has not found out, the same could happen to me (Karma). But with him I imagine that he will fall in love and leave me. If I love my husband so much and I would describe him as the perfect husband, why did I cheat on him? If my husband is not doing anything wrong, why do I keep thinking he is cheating on me?

October 28, 2015

You keeping looking for your husband to be the problem. It's not him. The problem lies within you. You have to figure out why you need attention from other men to make you feel validated. You have to be happy with yourself and not seek approval from other male attention. If you say your husband is perfect, then obviously it's you who needs to be fixed. I recommend counseling and complete transparency to your husband. If you keep this hidden and don't get good help,you could do it again

October 28, 2015

I have been married for 4 years with a man I love dearly, but I cheated on him for about 1/2 a year with a former co-worker. I only did it for the attention so I changed jobs. I love my husband and now I cannot stop thinking about what I did to him. We lost our home due to a fire and are living with friends until our home gets repaired, which has put a lot of stress on both of us. I have become very jealous and self-conscious. I am always checking his cell phone, email, calling him at work. I imagine that if I was able to cheat on him and he has not found out, the same could happen to me (Karma). But with him I imagine that he will fall in love and leave me. If I love my husband so much and I would describe him as the perfect husband, why did I cheat on him? If my husband is not doing anything wrong, why do I keep thinking he is cheating on me?

guess what? if you don't do anything about your flaws you will cheat again and again and again till you get caught

October 28, 2015

People who cheat realize how easy it is and they do this sort of insecure projection thing onto their significant other so they think there's a high likelihood of it happening to them.

It's like self inflicted torture, and it's not undeserved.

October 28, 2015

Guilty conscious.

It's not him, it's you.

October 28, 2015

The only way your going to get this straight is to tell him. You need to get into counseling and preferably someone that has experience with infidelity. You might want to consider telling him before he learns someday on his own.

C

October 28, 2015

Have you started having good communication with him?

Tell him how you feel.

of course to get close to him, you will have to tear down the wall you built with your A.

Did you get tested for stds?

Write him a timeline of your A. You can't repair the damage by hiding the illness. You will not get well that way and you will not have a happy marriage with these walls built to protect your A.

October 28, 2015

Most WS's have no problem cheating.

Though when the tables are turned there is no way that they would want there BS to cheat on them.

So when the WS cheats and they are not caught they then start to realize you know my BS can be having an affair on me. Then the WS's start to snoop to make sure their BS is not banging somebody as well. Combined with they get proactive and accuse the BS of cheating and what would happen if they caught to the BS cheating.

October 28, 2015

I have been married for 4 years with a man I love dearly, but I cheated on him for about 1/2 a year with a former co-worker. I only did it for the attention so I changed jobs. I love my husband and now I cannot stop thinking about what I did to him. We lost our home due to a fire and are living with friends until our home gets repaired, which has put a lot of stress on both of us. I have become very jealous and self-conscious. I am always checking his cell phone, email, calling him at work. I imagine that if I was able to cheat on him and he has not found out, the same could happen to me (Karma). But with him I imagine that he will fall in love and leave me. If I love my husband so much and I would describe him as the perfect husband, why did I cheat on him? If my husband is not doing anything wrong, why do I keep thinking he is cheating on me?

So how did you maintain NC?

Has the OM tried to break NC?

How do you plan on telling your BH?

October 28, 2015

guess what? if you don't do anything about your flaws you will cheat again and again and again till you get caught

I don't know. Certainly, a lack of consequences doesn't bode well for when it comes to learning her lesson. That said, I'm sure some people do manage to learn their lesson without the traditional negative reinforcement conditioning.

However, what I'd expect is that she's going to continue to have this wall between herself and her husband until she comes clean. There will remain an imbalance. Lifetime partnerships like this aren't supposed to have secrets. She's never going to have a truly intimate relationship with her husband.

And I think she can expect to continue to have this sense of paranoia about her husband's faithfulness. And she'll have to keep that to herself as well. There's another secret. All of this lying does no good when it comes to keeping an intimate bond.

The reality here is that she owes something to her husband. She owes him the respect of making his own informed decision about staying in this marriage. Protecting herself by keeping this secret is a continuation of the disrespect she showed him during the affair. And it keeps that wall between them.

Confess your infidelity. Show him your remorse. Making the confession will be instrumental in showing that you're a person worthy of forgiveness. And then there's no limit to how much of an intimate bond you can forge.

The alternative is keeping this lie, keeping a secret from him until the grave, tricking him into staying married to you, and restricting how intimate you'll ever truly be.

October 28, 2015

Most WS's have no problem cheating.

Though when the tables are turned there is no way that they would want there BS to cheat on them.

So when the WS cheats and they are not caught they then start to realize you know my BS can be having an affair on me. Then the WS's start to snoop to make sure their BS is not banging somebody as well. Combined with they get proactive and accuse the BS of cheating and what would happen if they caught to the BS cheating.

Yes a guilty conscience leads the WS to question if their BS is doing the same thing.

Right before Dday my WH asked me if I was having an affair.

October 28, 2015

When my H started cheating on me he asked if I was going to "Run off with some guy", reading my journal, checking my emails etc. I've NEVER given him any reason to doubt me in 25 years. Nothing of mine is password protected, nothing locked away... It's just part of the 'crazy' that comes with infidelity sometimes I think.

You're under so much pressure at the moment (Both self-inflicted & circumstantial) I really think you need some proffesional help. Why are you sabotaging your life?

How old are you? How was your family growing-up? Have you had bad past relationships?

Edited October 28, 2015 by ShatteredLady

October 29, 2015

I have been married for 4 years with a man I love dearly, but I cheated on him for about 1/2 a year with a former co-worker. I only did it for the attention so I changed jobs. I love my husband and now I cannot stop thinking about what I did to him. We lost our home due to a fire and are living with friends until our home gets repaired, which has put a lot of stress on both of us. I have become very jealous and self-conscious. I am always checking his cell phone, email, calling him at work. I imagine that if I was able to cheat on him and he has not found out, the same could happen to me (Karma). But with him I imagine that he will fall in love and leave me. If I love my husband so much and I would describe him as the perfect husband, why did I cheat on him? If my husband is not doing anything wrong, why do I keep thinking he is cheating on me?

When I read your post, what I see is "I..., I..., me..., I..., I..."

The fact that your thoughts are limited to your wants, needs and fears might be indicative of the mindset that led you to cheat. A better question would be "why would my husband stay with me"...

Mr. Lucky

October 29, 2015

People cheat on "perfect" caring good spouses.

Get some individual therapy.

October 29, 2015

I also cheated on a perfect husband. I have been in IC for several months and it seems the therapist feels that my feelings of him being perfect may have some part to play with it. It may stem from a feeling of being unworthy of him. Definitely nothing he ever did to make me feel that way. In fact the opposite he was always so good to me. I still struggle to understand why I would do this. I have lost everything I ever wanted including the man of my dreams and respect of my children. I hope it works out better for you than it did for me.

October 29, 2015

Your words are true. It had nothing to do with my husband of that I am sure. If my posting here has any value it might be to warn cheaters that consequences are real and terrible. My divorce will be final at any time now and my life is in shambles but I owe all of it to my own actions. In hindsight it is unbelievable I did what I did... in hindsight.

October 29, 2015

I also cheated on a perfect husband. I have been in IC for several months and it seems the therapist feels that my feelings of him being perfect may have some part to play with it. It may stem from a feeling of being unworthy of him.

I'm trying to connect the dots and understand how the feelings you describe would lead to infidelity. It would seem one would be more likely to stray with a spouse they felt was unworthy...

Mr. Lucky

October 29, 2015

You cheated on your H because the opportunity presented itself and you jumped. Never mind if you think you husband was perfect, normal, run of the mill or horrible.

You cheated because you connected with another man.

it's okay that you think your husband could be cheating. Now that you've done it, and seen how easy it is to go off to work, have sex with a co-worker and return home as if nothing has happened, you realize your husband could be doing the same.

And the truth is, he could. Why isn't he? Perhaps he hasn't been presented with the opportunity or perhaps he has, and turned it down.

It's good you realize he could be cheating, you know what to look for.

If you are genuinely "clean", are 100% certain that your affair will never be discovered or repeated with anyone, then I suggest you seek IC and live with your guilt.

Take it with you to your grave or tell your husband, send him sailing into PTSD, and possible divorce.