Why did I cheat on the perfect husband?

[Lion Heart]

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First ,,,fellini hey brother ..hope all is well with you...

 

IMHO there are 2 schools of thought here...dont say anything ...and live your own guilt...i dont think you can ,but give it a try....#2 Tell him, he needs to know who he is REALLY married to...Do not give me, i made a mistake crap...you made a damn choice and you liked it....i would want to know...otherwise your marriage is NOW a LIE ,anything less you are imo a coward...

 

you see when i found about my EXWW and her boss and was shown things by him,...I decended into (looking back) madness...i destroyed everyone and everything that touched her Affair...But i was given the choice....the choice to have a Affair was hers and hers alone...the choice to burn down everything was mine...

 

Badkarma you're back??? So glad you are. I've missed your posts. Hope you're doin ok.

 

BettyC to be honest I'm of the thought that you need IC and a LONG time ago! You need it now! This is a part of your character that does need addressing for so many reasons.

A) YOU had an A. You need IC.

B) You've lied, deceived and kept it a secret. You're in a hole you dug yourself. You need IC.

C) Your behaviours now are of a completely suspicious nature regarding your BH with no appearance of changing. You need IC.

D) Your feelings of 'unworthiness' are voiced by you. And you'll most likely have these feelings grow to the point of craziness (if not crazy already IDK). So you need IC.

E) Many cheating spouses do have FOO (Family Of Origin) issues. He** PLENTY of faithful spouses do too but they're not cheating. What's the difference? Choice. Self control. Importance of their M vows. Children. IDK. You need IC to figure this out.

 

I'm really surprised at how many WSs say "I don't know WHY I had an A!" As though anyone else knows what went on in your head at the time. No one else knows. We can speculate till the sun don't shine but ONLY you and NO ONE else can tell you why.

 

Being completely HONEST with yourself has gotta be the start point. Have the courage to admit things to yourself at least.

 

Leaving it for so long, I doubt you'll tell your BH.

But imo you should and must.

If you are finally having feelings of guilt then that's something but there's no guarantee that now you've done it for a WHOLE SIX MONTHS in such a young M, that you won't opt for it all over again and worse

 

Good luck!

Lion Heart.

[HurtOfGlass]

HurtofGlass. Are you sure it was a 'long time ago'? Sometimes people post the same question on different forums to get as many answers as possible. The regular members on different marriage forums can be VERY different. Some are gentle & understanding...some are just mean!! When I lost my privileges here I posted on some other forums. I'm obviously not a troll!

 

Yes it was a long time ago. As in Nov 2014. If you go to the link I gave, you will see its a relationship advice site, not a forum like Loveshack. You send your letter to these advice site and you wait for 2-3 weeks before your letter is published and advice given by a professional "relationship advisor". And that too if your letter is thought to be "glamourous" enough to publish.

 

So unless this woman's situation has remained the same since Nov, 2014 and her calendar has been permanently fixed, I can't see how this can be a genuine thread.

[Mind-Chants]

Your urge to constantly check ur husband's phone,e-mail id is what psychologists call "psychological projection". Its a defense mechanism mind plays. Its Bcoz of what you did, u think everybody (he) is capable of doing so. Besides I always think cheating is not a mistake rather it's a choice a person makes. There are many underlying aspects in ur relationship with your husband that made u cheat on him. Also this is validated by the fact that u have trust issues with him so u always check his mails and call records.

What I appreciate about you is that you owned upto ur life choices and stopped them. But the guilt is there inside of you thats why u have put this thread. Also u fear losing him.

[Mr Mind of Shazam]

I also cheated on a perfect husband. I have been in IC for several months and it seems the therapist feels that my feelings of him being perfect may have some part to play with it. It may stem from a feeling of being unworthy of him. Definitely nothing he ever did to make me feel that way. In fact the opposite he was always so good to me. I still struggle to understand why I would do this. I have lost everything I ever wanted including the man of my dreams and respect of my children. I hope it works out better for you than it did for me.

I researched and read your story. Terrible. I would have done the exact thing as your husband did and never have anything to do with you again. Good luck.

[S2B]

It seems like the nice ones get cheated on.

 

Maybe your husband shouldn't be so nice?

 

 

I think therapy might help you. Learn what loving behavior looks like...then practice that.

[dichotomy]

It seems like the nice ones get cheated on.

 

Maybe your husband shouldn't be so nice?

 

 

.

 

 

This point has been brought up elsewhere including recent books on women's sexuality. It goes counter to the old fashioned notion that ALL women are sexually attracted/turned on to safe emotionally caring and supportive men/husbands. Just like some men - some women want some powerful /strange / risky - and make poor choices. Sexuality and sexual desire is a tricky thing and you should know yourself and your choices. I hope OP gets the therapy she needs and understands herself better in the future.

[nightmare01]

This point has been brought up elsewhere including recent books on women's sexuality. It goes counter to the old fashioned notion that ALL women are sexually attracted/turned on to safe emotionally caring and supportive men/husbands. Just like some men - some women want some powerful /strange / risky - and make poor choices. Sexuality and sexual desire is a tricky thing and you should know yourself and your choices. I hope OP gets the therapy she needs and understands herself better in the future.

 

Kinda going off on a tangent - but I agree that OP is possibly a troll and the initial post was not serious.

 

Here's the tangent.

 

I'm an engineer, and most of my friends are engineers. As engineers we are generally in good shape financially, stable, and loyal (generally, not all engineers are this way of course). As a group, when we were single most of us had trouble getting dates - we weren't the bad boys that women wanted to date. Some of us, including me, were told that we were "the kind of guy [women] marry", and unless the woman was in the market for a husband we weren't on their list of guys to date.

 

My wife has a lot of girlfriends - some of which married these bad-boys. Every one of those women have been cheated on, abandoned, or are living paycheck to paycheck just one small step above poverty.

 

My wife tried to steer a couple of her girlfriends toward engineers when they were still dating, and these women wanted nothing to do with us - because we're boring. I guess being abandoned and cheated on, and have your husbands OW steal your ID and take out credit cards in your name and ruin your credit... I guess that's not boring.

 

I guess I don't really have a question. This is just a 'WTF is up with that' post.

[Horton]

Kinda going off on a tangent - but I agree that OP is possibly a troll and the initial post was not serious.

 

Here's the tangent.

 

I'm an engineer, and most of my friends are engineers. As engineers we are generally in good shape financially, stable, and loyal (generally, not all engineers are this way of course). As a group, when we were single most of us had trouble getting dates - we weren't the bad boys that women wanted to date. Some of us, including me, were told that we were "the kind of guy [women] marry", and unless the woman was in the market for a husband we weren't on their list of guys to date.

 

My wife has a lot of girlfriends - some of which married these bad-boys. Every one of those women have been cheated on, abandoned, or are living paycheck to paycheck just one small step above poverty.

 

My wife tried to steer a couple of her girlfriends toward engineers when they were still dating, and these women wanted nothing to do with us - because we're boring. I guess being abandoned and cheated on, and have your husbands OW steal your ID and take out credit cards in your name and ruin your credit... I guess that's not boring.

 

I guess I don't really have a question. This is just a 'WTF is up with that' post.

 

The best part is that if any of those boring nice guys turned them down now they'd be shocked and appalled. In their minds there should always be a line of schmucks waiting outside their door just hoping for the privilege of paying their bills and raising their kids for them after their exciting bad boy has used them up and moved on to greener pastures.

[m.snow]

OP, It is somehow great that you posted. you have come to a realization that you made a bad decision and you are willing to find ways to correct and help yourself.

 

Admitting to yourself that you did something is wrong is the first step to healing.

 

My suggestion would be for you to enter into counseling. To help understand the reasons why you made the decision to have that tryst. Find a good counselor, In times likes these its best to talk to a professional then find a community like LoveShack to communicate.

 

To tell your husband is on you, You know your husband best to know how he will react. But if you chose to continue and pursue more affairs then I suggest to leave the marriage.

[m.snow]

I also cheated on a perfect husband. I have been in IC for several months and it seems the therapist feels that my feelings of him being perfect may have some part to play with it. It may stem from a feeling of being unworthy of him. Definitely nothing he ever did to make me feel that way. In fact the opposite he was always so good to me. I still struggle to understand why I would do this. I have lost everything I ever wanted including the man of my dreams and respect of my children. I hope it works out better for you than it did for me.

 

I hope OP can learn from your experience and cast into light the consequences of having an affair and the pain that you can cause to your partner.

 

Sometime ago did you manage to notice your BH posting here?

 

I wish you only the best, and hope that you can be good co-parents to your children.

 

Though your relationship as Husband and Wife may no longer be there, I hope your relationship as a Mother and Father continue and your children may grow and prosper.

[atreides]

Perhaps i am a minority opinion... but confession is the point.

 

The affair is the lie against the BS and marriage, thus the restitution is to the BS first as the other half of the marriage that has yet "nothing to say". Facing the reaction of the BS is the necessary step for the marriage to face.

 

However, while the affair is the lie against the BS and marriage, the reason for the affair is indeed squarely on the wayward thus i do agree if the OP truly wants to heal herself, it is true to continue to work on oneself and make a better and new person out of it.

But if we are talking about the marriage, then it is not up to the OP to decide whether to tell her H or not, it would make no sense if she did not. To actually live in the marriage and thus use a lie to "clean a lie" moves one nowhere, the lie still exists.

[dragon_fly_7]

OP, you should analyze your self-destructive ways with a therapist and the only way to possibly have the chance of a reconciliation is to confess to your husband.

 

Your words are true. It had nothing to do with my husband of that I am sure. If my posting here has any value it might be to warn cheaters that consequences are real and terrible. My divorce will be final at any time now and my life is in shambles but I owe all of it to my own actions. In hindsight it is unbelievable I did what I did... in hindsight.

Just recently read your story and yes it's beyond repair. I still wish you luck and now your focus should be on becoming a better mother and person, if you get the chance to be with someone else. Since alcohol is also a bad combination for you, don't drink. Edited November 12, 2015 by dragon_fly_7

[HadEverything]

I hope OP can learn from your experience and cast into light the consequences of having an affair and the pain that you can cause to your partner.

 

Sometime ago did you manage to notice your BH posting here?

 

I wish you only the best, and hope that you can be good co-parents to your children.

 

Though your relationship as Husband and Wife may no longer be there, I hope your relationship as a Mother and Father continue and your children may grow and prosper.

 

My Husband posted here? Do you know where or under which topic?

[Chi townD]

I have been married for 4 years with a man I love dearly, but I cheated on him for about 1/2 a year with a former co-worker. I only did it for the attention so I changed jobs. I love my husband and now I cannot stop thinking about what I did to him. We lost our home due to a fire and are living with friends until our home gets repaired, which has put a lot of stress on both of us. I have become very jealous and self-conscious. I am always checking his cell phone, email, calling him at work. I imagine that if I was able to cheat on him and he has not found out, the same could happen to me (Karma). But with him I imagine that he will fall in love and leave me. If I love my husband so much and I would describe him as the perfect husband, why did I cheat on him? If my husband is not doing anything wrong, why do I keep thinking he is cheating on me?

 

 

Because; subconsciously, you're hoping that he cheated on you to ease your own guilt about what you've done to him. You would be on an even playing field. That you two have both done something wrong. Because, if he ever found out what you've done, you know he would leave. Therefore, if you ever discovered that he cheated on you, you both would have inflicted the same amount of hurt on each other and then it would clean the slate. Therefore, you can both start to rebuild your marriage.

[m.snow]

My Husband posted here? Do you know where or under which topic?

try to check this,

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/infidelity/540457-intense-anger