Wife had a sext/text affair.

[ShatteredLady]

She is being honest about that!

 

Contacting eachother 100 times a day for 9 months. Saying "I love you". Planning, dreaming, lying, fantasizing, sexting. It is cheating. It is an affair. It is DEVASTATING! For many the emotional aspect of an affair is the worst part. It was for me. I can understand the logic of removing everything except the physical part & it won't 'mean' as much & is less damaging. I believe in KEEPING the emotional AND the physical for my H.

 

I've had the misfortune of reading some of my H & OW emails during their EA. It's cruel, heart-breaking infidelity. It's the lies, the intimacy, the sharing of private, personal husband & wife things. Reading the cruelest, heartless, derogatory things said about yourself written by the one person you trust your life & heart to, have shared your adult life with. Had your children with. Your partner. Your rock. Your love. Your best friend. Your Family! I don't understand that anyone would make light of an EA. It's brutal.

 

 

It's only been days. It's a nightmare experience. This....

 

Quote - "Probably not healthy advice, but if it was me, i would have kept quiet and enjoyed my new revived sex life and perhaps sent him a thank you text!!".

 

....upset me as a persons who's life's been shattered by an EA recently.

Edited October 29, 2015 by ShatteredLady

[Tayla]

Irreconcilable differences are plenty grounds in many places. Hell, I didn't even see a judge throughout my entire divorce. I suppose knowing the OP's jurisdiction would help.

 

True, that is an option to file under.

 

The Op seems to becoming out of the shock phase and will continue on the journey of evaluating...

 

My old ways just have a difficult time calling things a full blown affair when they never met, had no contact of a physical nature. It can be just as essily that the person texting her wasn't even a man or of age. That is a possibility.

But the bottom line is The Op feels the betrayal and that deserves respected and supported...

[merrmeade]

Hey, Doorstopper (hope this name is merely a reminder of distant memories soon), what ARE your boundaries anyway? Have you clarified them to her? unequivocally? Why do you simply wait for her to make up her mind? I don't think you can afford to be wishy washy, understanding Mr. Nice Guy or she will push the envelope further. Take control of your limits; set them clearly. Where she crossed them, tell her and let your feelings vent (in words). You're denying their full expression I feel. You don't deserve and didn't create what's happening to you.

 

You don't have to wait around on her acknowledgement of the awful destructiveness of what she's done to you and, for pete's sake, stop discussing it with your children. They know enough. Now let them be. They're not your confidantes.

[eric1]

Given the methods that she is using and what she is offering up it is a near certainty that they are still in contact.

 

Your next step - period - is letting your wife's boyfriend's wife know. You need to call her up directly and just state simply that your wife and her husband have been having a long-term affair and that you are comfortable providing all evidence in electronic or written format.

 

- you must do this today

- it is ethically on this. The poor woman deserves to know

- exposure is the NUMBER ONE affair killer known to man

- DO NOT TELL YOUR WIFE THAT YOU ARE DONG THIS. She will just warn him and he will either intercept or give him time to invent a story. This will also test if NC is really NC. If she comes running to you two hours after all posed off, it's because her fun has still been going on and you just ruined that for her. Boo hoo

[fellini]

You seem like a BS with an open mind.

 

You might have a look at Esther Perel's work on infidelity. Especially in her book on "Mating in Captivity" which deals with many of the issues you seem to talk about, for example her using her EA to fire up things at home.

 

Equally important is a chapter she has called "The shadow of the third" and it's functions / disfunctions in the stability of marriages.

 

About telling the AP's wife. I only wish I had that chance, my own WW chose a Single separated exBH to connect with.

 

For me, on one level, his life is not my true interest, if my marriage is what the goal post dday. I needed to know my WW was turning her life around to save her marriage. SOMETIMES telling the AP's spouse can actually do the work you wish it to, but on the other hand, this might not allow you to get the "real picture" of what is happening at home. If you introduce this too quickly to the other family, and the AP's wife gets involved, your own spouse is going to suddenly see that the AP is completely unavailable.

 

Now this seems like a great thing. But is it? Does this help you to see clearly that she is back with you because that is 100% where she wants to be, or is she doing damage control because now she has no where else to turn.

 

I think you are the only person in the best position to know for sure if your WW has genuinely returned to your marriage. I think the fact that he is unavailable physically to your WW makes telling her less strategic on your part, and more of a favor for her... but from what I have read on LS it doesn't always work out that way and suddenly you have a lot of BullS coming at you from the other side while you are trying to stay focused on your own marriage.

 

So tell or not. Depends. When to do so, might be an issue as well.

In my case I would have told because my WW was with a co-worker and I would have used that as a strategy to have a second set of eyes on their goings on. But her NC was so swift and final and cold that I knew pretty early that she wanted OUT of her A and back into her 18 year marriage.

 

 

 

 

 

Although it seems that the sex part destroys my manhood or maybe excites it, If there wasn't a relationship component between them, I think there would not many issues. She talked to me about how they made a special connection. It really wasn't about sex, it was about the relationship she got. In a way I understand that and that scares me far more than the sex part. We haven't been there for each other. She is the one who called it an affair. She called her mon the next morning to tell her that she cheated on me

 

The issues we need to work out go beyond this.

 

We seemed to get a bit of a compromise tonight. No contact at all. I get phone access but will not read individual texts or messages.

 

I think she's beginning to think he's a sleaze ball but I don't know if I'm being played.

 

If this gets to divorce, it would be her decision. We did go to marriage counseling many years ago. She stopped when she realized that maybe she was responsible for some of the things that have happened. I am worried about her giving up on us.

 

Telling the kids was painful and the two college daughters was difficult. After this happened my wife insisted that all my kids hated me and I needed to hear that wasn't the case. Oldest was home and heard and will not give me any support. Was it right? No, I should have kept my mouth shut.

 

There has been a lot of yelling over the last 2 1/2 days but tonight has been quiet. This site has given me an outlet to vent, and its extremely helpful. Tonight I feel very angry, very sad but or the first time in 3 days I do not feel overwhelmed.

Edited October 29, 2015 by fellini

[eric1]

Telling the other spouse is 99.99999% of the time the right move.

 

If your wife isn't into the marriage then you need to get out, not sit around and wait for her boyfriend to loose his luster.

 

Besides, the first (literally the first) thing that you require before you even start to consider offering the wife the gift of reconciliation is 100% unconditional No Contact.

[Lion Heart]

first of all she isn't definitely more attached to him emotionally it is just the excitement of an affair if she lived with him and dealt with him in the day to day basis it would be be different.

let me tell you something very important, she is in what we call here the "fog" of her affair. and what we learned here based on many stories, the weakest you are the longer and more painful this will be and the stronger you are the quickest you will be able to get out of this. whether you want to work this out or not you need to be tough, do not tolerate anything demand complete no contact then yes inform his wife. In my opinion she deserve to know just like you do know.

 

Absolutely this ^^^^

You THINK she MUST be more emotionally attached (texting 100x / day. Plus BS lies between them) and those are the reasons why you should go FULL NC as rapidly as possible.

 

BURST THAT BUBBLE NOW!

 

Your WW has been living in a bubble also known as the "affair fog" or basically living out fantasies THAT ARE NOT REALITY.

 

Your M was a reality she was escaping from.

 

Show her the door. Escort HER OUT THE DOOR.

 

Give her permission to EXIT RIGHT NOW!

 

This action as opposed to doing the "pick me! Pick me! PLEEEAAASE" dance is your way of gaining some knowledge of the state of "affairs".

 

Tell her this is sh** treatment for over 2 decades of M.

You are DONE.

 

This NC does 1 of 2 things. Sharpens you up to the post M life you need to face OR 2 makes WW wake up quickly to what she will lose by continuing this fantasy.

 

Move fast. You can save YEARS of fruitless effort with a total loser who has opted out of her M to you YEARS ago but is waiting for the next tug boat to attach before dislodging.

 

Man! You are 50yo. Time's a tickin brother (I'm 50yo too) so be efficient in your time and energy on this waster and execute your plan IMMEDIATELY!

 

Good luck

Lion Heart.

[Lion Heart]

it sounds to me that she is going thru some sort of midlife crisis.......

 

Oh pleeeeaaase really? ^^^^

 

Is this some psycho babble excuse for behaving like a skanky wh*** to a man OTHER THAN YOUR HUSBAND????

 

I think so!

 

It's not. NO EXCUSES. That's BS.

 

Doorstopper DO NOT LISTEN TO SH**!

 

I'm afraid from your posts that you have already played the PICK ME DANCE.

 

Your WW has confessed to her MOTHER (IF you even believe THAT to be true) that she's been having an AFFAIR.

 

LISTEN VERY VERY CAREFULLY to exactly WHAT your WW says: listen out for....

* blame shifting - blaming YOU for her A. Never ever take ANY responsibility for HER A!

* minimising - this wasn't an "actual affair" after all...bs...bs

..bs

* smoke screening - look it up. I'm well past bourbon o'clock and had enough of cheaters cr**.

* every other lie known to cheaters.

 

Just KNOW they lie lie lie and when they've had enough they lie lie lie and when they don't know what to say they lie lie lie some more just for good measure they'll throw in some MORE LIES.

 

Cheaters are liars.

 

You CAN NOT NICE YOUR WAY back into your M.

 

You have to risk everything (as she has CLEARLY DONE by cheating) and go NC.

 

ABSOLUTELY 100% NO HOLES BARRED tell the other betrayed spouse about HER husband's latest affair.

Who knows, the other BS may just be a seasoned veteran to her WH exploits.

 

Your WW needs to know HER side of the story!

Keep in touch with the other BS. You may need one another to keep tabs on things. Especially if they take it all underground.

 

Much strength

Lion Heart.

[fellini]

You can scream it from atop the highest mountain Lion Heart, but "midlife crises" is a legitimate concept.

 

Does it EXCUSE people's behaviour, no.

Can it explain what some people go through, yes.

 

That fact that you don't like it, support it, or fear that it somehow represents that it takes the blame off the WS does not change the fact.

 

In your own case, long into Dday you wrote this

 

"He is showing Courage to face me and the chn every day and night, when I KNOW on many levels it would be far easier for him to leave. He looks at us and KNOWS we love him. Just him. Not his actions during his A, not the disrespect he's shown at times before or since. Just him. He really has no encouragement to stay from his extended family and friends. But he stays. WH faces many people who know about his A. OW told the school remember. He gets no sympathy from this world yet he's facing it every day bravely and I admire his attempt at R. I wanted to put that forward to be fair." [/Quote]

 

Doesn't OP at least deserve the time and respect to discover for himself if his WW has similar capacities, regardless of the final outcome of your experience?

 

 

Oh pleeeeaaase really? ^^^^

 

Is this some psycho babble excuse for behaving like a skanky wh*** to a man OTHER THAN YOUR HUSBAND????

 

I think so!

 

It's not. NO EXCUSES. That's BS.

 

Doorstopper DO NOT LISTEN TO SH**!

 

I'm afraid from your posts that you have already played the PICK ME DANCE.

 

Your WW has confessed to her MOTHER (IF you even believe THAT to be true) that she's been having an AFFAIR.

 

LISTEN VERY VERY CAREFULLY to exactly WHAT your WW says: listen out for....

* blame shifting - blaming YOU for her A. Never ever take ANY responsibility for HER A!

* minimising - this wasn't an "actual affair" after all...bs...bs

..bs

* smoke screening - look it up. I'm well past bourbon o'clock and had enough of cheaters cr**.

* every other lie known to cheaters.

 

Just KNOW they lie lie lie and when they've had enough they lie lie lie and when they don't know what to say they lie lie lie some more just for good measure they'll throw in some MORE LIES.

 

Cheaters are liars.

 

You CAN NOT NICE YOUR WAY back into your M.

 

You have to risk everything (as she has CLEARLY DONE by cheating) and go NC.

 

ABSOLUTELY 100% NO HOLES BARRED tell the other betrayed spouse about HER husband's latest affair.

Who knows, the other BS may just be a seasoned veteran to her WH exploits.

 

Your WW needs to know HER side of the story!

Keep in touch with the other BS. You may need one another to keep tabs on things. Especially if they take it all underground.

 

Much strength

Lion Heart.

Edited October 29, 2015 by fellini

[PegNosePete]

Goodness, if my partner was doing that with other men, I'd tell her that one more text, email, phone call, photo, chat request or even a breath in the OM's direction and I'm filing for divorce quicker than you can say "emotional affair".

 

Where is your self-respect OP??

[Try]

We seemed to get a bit of a compromise tonight. No contact at all. I get phone access but will not read individual texts or messages.

This is not a compromise. It is a capitulation by you. It allows contact under different names that you will not know about because you are not able to read the messages. It also stops you from seeing just how many of her friends are toxic friends that knew about it, and did not tell her that what she was doing was wrong. Most of all, it shows that you do not mean business. She is either remorseful or she is not. She is either willing to to what is needed by you to heal, or she is not. This compromise shows that she is not remorseful. Long term it does not look good for you.

 

You must be willing to end the marriage to have a chance at saving it long term. Tell her that you must feel safe that the affair is over. Tell her that you have changed your mind and now want complete access including reading individual texts and messages. Tell her that in a real marriage that, other then when you are going to the bathroom, there should be no expectation of privacy. Let he know that you either want a real marriage or no marriage and that you want to feel safe in the marriage.

 

As for your children, tell them one on one that you do not see your wife doing what is needed to try to save the marriage and that divorce is a real option that may likely happen. Let them know that if divorce does happen, they will need to realistically make different plans for funding their education since you will not be able to help as much as you had planned. Tell them to think about part time jobs now to have savings and about going to more affordable options for schooling. They need to start planning now for what may be coming. It is not a fun talk, but it needs to happen.

[Doorstopper]

This is not a compromise. It is a capitulation by you. It allows contact under different names that you will not know about because you are not able to read the messages. It also stops you from seeing just how many of her friends are toxic friends that knew about it, and did not tell her that what she was doing was wrong. Most of all, it shows that you do not mean business. She is either remorseful or she is not. She is either willing to to what is needed by you to heal, or she is not. This compromise shows that she is not remorseful. Long term it does not look good for you.

 

You must be willing to end the marriage to have a chance at saving it long term. Tell her that you must feel safe that the affair is over. Tell her that you have changed your mind and now want complete access including reading individual texts and messages. Tell her that in a real marriage that, other then when you are going to the bathroom, there should be no expectation of privacy. Let he know that you either want a real marriage or no marriage and that you want to feel safe in the marriage.

 

As for your children, tell them one on one that you do not see your wife doing what is needed to try to save the marriage and that divorce is a real option that may likely happen. Let them know that if divorce does happen, they will need to realistically make different plans for funding their education since you will not be able to help as much as you had planned. Tell them to think about part time jobs now to have savings and about going to more affordable options for schooling. They need to start planning now for what may be coming. It is not a fun talk, but it needs to happen.

 

Her response to complete access is I will not use a phone.

 

This morning she pulled the I'm moving out because you can't drop it crap. I am 100% sure (and no I'm not being hoodwinked) its her ploy to get me to feel shame only, not to continue the relationship with him. I've seen this too many times. We have both played these emotional cards, far too often over the years.

 

I've had enough of this. She is supposed to go to a hotel through at least through the weekend, and I'm preparing for either option (reconciliation or divorce). I'm getting enough control of myself now, to be angry without fighting. I told her I consider this separated but any transgression prevents reconciliation. Of course, I may not be able to know if something happens. I said I was letting go because I love her and then realized I probably should have kept my mouth shut about that.

 

The kids will be fine for college. I have a good size 401k available if needed. I'm most concerned about our 12 yo daughter and how she will handle this.

Edited October 29, 2015 by Doorstopper

[S2B]

Her response to complete access is I will not use a phone.

 

This morning she pulled the I'm moving out because you can't drop it crap. I am 100% sure (and no I'm not being hoodwinked) its her ploy to get me to feel shame only, not to continue the relationship with him. I've seen this too many times. We have both played these emotional cards, far too often over the years.

 

I've had enough of this. She is supposed to go to a hotel through at least through the weekend, and I'm preparing for either option (reconciliation or divorce). I'm getting enough control of myself now, to be angry without fighting. I told her I consider this separated but any transgression prevents reconciliation. Of course, I may not be able to know if something happens. I said I was letting go because I love her and then realized I probably should have kept my mouth shut about that.

 

The kids will be fine for college. I have a good size 401k available if needed. I'm most concerned about our 12 yo daughter and how she will handle this.

 

It just means she will begin using an alternate phone/means of contacting him = a burner phone.

 

Expose her to everyone. She needs consequences for the behavior she's displayed. Even then, I'm not sure she's likely to get to a state of being remorseful.

 

Since this is who she has become in not sure she's worth holding onto.

 

 

Sometimes it's worth letting go if they've become so different that we don't recognize who they are anymore.

[Doorstopper]

Help. I need some words. What do I say?

 

I wont call/text you but we can talk?

 

See you at counseling?

 

Adios?

 

This will only work out if you want it to?

 

I'm tongue tied.

[Mrin]

Help. I need some words. What do I say?

 

I wont call/text you but we can talk?

 

See you at counseling?

 

Adios?

 

This will only work out if you want it to?

 

I'm tongue tied.

 

Honestly I am not entirely sure what she and you are trying to accomplish with this move. But, taking a stab here but I would consider saying something like, "let's plan to meet up for coffee and talk on Sunday at 2pm" or something like that. That way there is a next step planned. Whatever happens in between now and then is for the two of you to decide.

[S2B]

Help. I need some words. What do I say?

 

I wont call/text you but we can talk?

 

See you at counseling?

 

Adios?

 

This will only work out if you want it to?

 

I'm tongue tied.

 

Say nothing.

 

Show actions.

 

I'd file for divorce. I'd move money and assets into my name only. I'd close all her credit cards. I'd expose her behavior to family and friends.

 

I'd make her move out today! Today! (After securing money into your name)

 

I'd get busy with action and give her no words to work with. She will figure out what message you're sending when she becomes very uncomfortable and scared

[Mr. Lucky]

We seemed to get a bit of a compromise tonight. No contact at all. I get phone access but will not read individual texts or messages.

 

I don't get how this works or what value it brings. Is this in case you want to use her phone as a paperweight?

 

A WS earns trust back through true remorse, proactive engagement and complete transparency. And the latter definitely includes texts and messages...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Doorstopper]

Update:

 

I finally got the time to review/analyize the text logs between them Verizon goes back to July.:

 

Total images:

July 51 sent 2 received. these i'm sure were mostly vacation pics

Aug 27 sent 4 received

Sept 14 sent 4 received. none since the middle of Sept.

 

If 90% of these were "clean" and I do believe that (or at least most being clean). Total dirty pictures would number about 10 in this period.

 

I'm not at all trying to minimize what happened. just trying to understand better. She says very few nudes were sent. I'm starting to believe that might be true.

 

texting (both ways)was about

1300 July

1900 Aug

1300 Sept

 

I'm an information guy. I have to analyze this to death. Whether its good or bad for me.

 

I should have the Oct info in a few days.

[Doorstopper]

I've tried to contact his wife. The number I have simply rings through to voicemail. I can't imagine a message will get through, and haven't left one.

 

I did facebook message: her, his two kids (her stepchildren), and his sister in Michigan, but these messages go into the "other" folder" and may not be seen. I basically told the relatives "she needs to know."

 

Is it crazy to think that I should put some evidence together and have her served papers by a process server? That would be the 100% sure way to see that she gets the info.

[Doorstopper]

I don't get how this works or what value it brings. Is this in case you want to use her phone as a paperweight?

 

A WS earns trust back through true remorse, proactive engagement and complete transparency. And the latter definitely includes texts and messages...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

 

In this case, I basically said I will see who you texted, but not read individual conversations. I'm sure she is confiding with some people and wants to keep that private, but in hindsight, yeah that sounds stupid.

 

With her moving out, it doesn't matter now.

Edited October 29, 2015 by Doorstopper

[GunslingerRoland]

I've tried to contact his wife. The number I have simply rings through to voicemail. I can't imagine a message will get through, and haven't left one.

 

I did facebook message: her, his two kids (her stepchildren), and his sister in Michigan, but these messages go into the "other" folder" and may not be seen. I basically told the relatives "she needs to know."

 

Is it crazy to think that I should put some evidence together and have her served papers by a process server? That would be the 100% sure way to see that she gets the info.

 

So what purpose exactly does this serve, shaming him far and wide? If you felt you needed to tell his wife that is one thing, but I really don't get this.

[Try]

This morning she pulled the I'm moving out because you can't drop it crap.

She had an emotional affair that included her sending nude photos and she wants you to drop it or else? Talk about no remorse.

 

I am 100% sure (and no I'm not being hoodwinked) its her ploy to get me to feel shame only, not to continue the relationship with him.

If you read other infidelity threads on this and other sites, you will see that you are wrong. The move out almost always enables further contact with their affair partner. She is addicted to the brain drug high of the affair, which is why they call it a fog. She will not be able to resist contacting him when she is away.

[happyman64]

Doorstopper

 

 

Treat her moving out like a separation.

 

 

Go meet with an attorney. Understand your rights and the rights of your children.

 

 

Go to the bank after you meet with the attorney. Split your monies as per the attorneys advice.

 

 

Let your wife know that her decision to have an Affair and then move out is a sign to you that she wants to end the marriage.

 

 

Let her know you are taking the steps to move this process forward in an amicable manner.

 

 

Keep your cool.

 

 

Because your wife is playing games with you and has been for a while.

 

 

Exposing the affair to the OMW and taking steps to meet with an attorney and sort out finances shows your wife you are not playing her game.

 

 

Be strong.

Be confident.

Do not involve your kids but do not lie about the situation.

 

 

Be clear in your communications with your wife and let her know that rug sweeping nor being put in Limbo will be tolerated.

 

 

HM

[eric1]

Her response to complete access is I will not use a phone.

 

This morning she pulled the I'm moving out because you can't drop it crap. I am 100% sure (and no I'm not being hoodwinked) its her ploy to get me to feel shame only, not to continue the relationship with him. I've seen this too many times. We have both played these emotional cards, far too often over the years.

 

I've had enough of this. She is supposed to go to a hotel through at least through the weekend, and I'm preparing for either option (reconciliation or divorce). I'm getting enough control of myself now, to be angry without fighting. I told her I consider this separated but any transgression prevents reconciliation. Of course, I may not be able to know if something happens. I said I was letting go because I love her and then realized I probably should have kept my mouth shut about that.

 

The kids will be fine for college. I have a good size 401k available if needed. I'm most concerned about our 12 yo daughter and how she will handle this.

 

You are doing a great job drawing a hard line in the sand. You either want to be in an open relationship or not in an open relationship. It's pretty simple. Nobody here is suggesting anything that could even be construed as outlandish by a spouse interested in reconciliation. Transparency and No Contact should be givens.

 

Lastly, you can Facebook message people and have it not go to the "Other" folder.

 

Facebook's $1 messages: One more way to get your credit card - CNET

 

It'll be the best $5 that you ever spend

[qubist]

doorstoper: I really recommend you go through some stories in this same forum to see where this is going. you are acting too weak and she knows it. if you want to stand a chance at R with her you have to stand up and pup that bubble of her affair.

you have to put your foot down otherwise this is going to be a very long rocky and nasty ride for you. she is manipulating your through your weakness. I would see a lawyer and see where you stand and let her now that you are done with her selfishness. trust me once you do that you will see a reaction.