Wife had a sext/text affair.

[Doorstopper]

The next time your wife calls, let her know you have contacted a divorce attorney. Do not discuss it. If she stays at the hotel, knowing that divorce is on the table, then you will know whats important to her. You are plan B. They talked again. You know it. Her change in attitude has nothing to do with you. Your actions caused her to go to a hotel NOT STOP CONTACT. His actions caused her to act chagrined. Who is in charge here. NOT YOU!!. He controls your wife. You need to control your life. Do not fear this woman. Do not fear divorce. Let her know today, WHILE SHE IS AT A HOTEL (Are you kidding me?)

 

Important: When the shot hit the fan, she left you.

 

 

Its not what they say, its what they do.

 

Hang on there.

 

She does not want to stay at a hotel. Its a stupid mind game that's gone on for a long time with us. If you don't agree to what I say, I'll do something drastic. She expected me to capitulate, and win back some control. I didn't back down and she didn't leave me. I told her to go. In fact I told her to go on Monday and then backed down and said stay here. Yesterday I was strong enough to not back down.

 

I know most of you are trying to protect me from something that you think I don't see. I'm taking the I want to believe you but ...... approach. And that is exactly how I feel.

[Doorstopper]

And what's ok about her communicating with him?

 

She's disrespecting you because you haven't implemented any real consequences for your wife.

 

 

She's walking all over you.

 

It's obviously not OK. but I can understand after a 9 month relationship that its hard to let go. There was only one contact that I know of. She did not have to offer up this information.

 

I'm talking to a lawyer and she knows that. Should I tie her up and put her in a sack?

Edited October 30, 2015 by Doorstopper

[Jersey born raised]

Hi,

 

Stay strong without lashing out

 

Why does your son Blame you?

 

Why do your D's tell you to kick her out!?

[qubist]

It's obviously not OK. but I can understand after a 9 month relationship that its hard to let go. There was only one contact that I know of. She did not have to offer up this information.

 

I'm talking to a lawyer and she knows that. Should I tie her up and put her in a sack?

 

Or she would offer some information, all wayward spouses do it. In another word she wants to to show you just what's enough to believe the affair is over.

You should be firm by letting her know that you are aware that the affair isn't over yet therefore you going for Divorce.

[66Charger]

Hang on there.

 

She does not want to stay at a hotel. Its a stupid mind game that's gone on for a long time with us. If you don't agree to what I say, I'll do something drastic. She expected me to capitulate, and win back some control. I didn't back down and she didn't leave me. I told her to go. In fact I told her to go on Monday and then backed down and said stay here. Yesterday I was strong enough to not back down.

 

I know most of you are trying to protect me from something that you think I don't see. I'm taking the I want to believe you but ...... approach. And that is exactly how I feel.

 

A

Regardless of the word games, where is she now? No one here is trying to hurt you. We are trying to protect you, but you insist you know that which you dont. You are delusional if you dont think she has a burner phone. You can get one at Target!! This hotel stay may have been a "opportunity" but you blew it up by contacting the wife. Bet she didnt expect that. Good on you.

 

Look what happened when you took a hard line and didnt bury your head. Take another hard line. End the game ON YOUR TERMS.

 

Question for you bro, Which one of you should be saying "If you dont agree to what I say, I will do something drastic? The cheater or the betrayed?

 

I will wish you well. Storms coming. Surfs up

[Clay]

A

Regardless of the word games, where is she now? No one here is trying to hurt you. We are trying to protect you, but you insist you know that which you dont. You are delusional if you dont think she has a burner phone. You can get one at Target!! This hotel stay may have been a "opportunity" but you blew it up by contacting the wife. Bet she didnt expect that. Good on you.

 

Look what happened when you took a hard line and didnt bury your head. Take another hard line. End the game ON YOUR TERMS.

 

Question for you bro, Which one of you should be saying "If you dont agree to what I say, I will do something drastic? The cheater or the betrayed?

 

I will wish you well. Storms coming. Surfs up

 

Door Stopper,

 

This is really what you need to listen to. We have all been though this and what Charger is saying is true. You have to pull yourself back and really look at this for what it is. If you could have honestly controlled this from the start you wouldn't be in this spot right now. This is not about you and your actions. Its about your response to her actions. If you want her to be in your life you have to show her that your willing to walk away right now no questions asked for her to wake up and really see what she is loosing.

 

You came here for help. Please stop and take the time to really listen to what people are saying.

 

I am sorry you are going through this. I know what its like.

 

C

[qubist]

Doorstopper: what Clay and charger66 and everyone here are telling you is the truth that you can't see because you are in a weak state right now, if you don't believe us go ahead and browse this forum, look for the stories that are similar to yours you will see how identical the techniques cheaters do. by the book.

we are just trying to save you time, money and most importantly energy. make no mistake about it she is not remorseful because we know here how remorseful spouses act, therefore she is still in full affair just took a strategic turn after the recent revelations.

If I were you I would do more than calling a lawyer, I would start the process which by the way takes time ( assuming you live in the states) that will give you the opportunity to see if she really wants you. otherwise you just won't. I will also give her the impression that you plan to move on instead ofletting her her dictating the rules

[66Charger]

I can understand after a 9 month relationship that its hard to let go. :

 

You actually wrote that you can understand why YOUR WIFE wants to continue contact.

 

That its hard for her.

 

That you understand.

 

Wow.

 

I hope you continue posting here. By next weekend, when you go back and read this sentence, you are going to throw up.

 

Another question. Its friday night. She is in a hotel. You are home with your daughter. Where is the AP?

[sidney2718]

Ugh! What a mess! First things first though... what is it that you're trying to accomplish? Do you want to recover your marriage or do you want a divorce? Because if you want to recover your marriage, you can't afford to act in haste and in anger. You've been given advice to contact the AP's wife and bust him. While I do understand the reasoning behind it, I don't know that it's worth the enmity it will cause down the pike.

 

It's completely true that you do have to draw a line in the sand. You do have to be willing to give up the marriage rather than to tolerate continued contact with the AP. She's got to make a decision as to whether she's in or out, and you've got to be clear that anything less than 100% "in" is unacceptable to you. There are no chains on the doors or bars on the windows, so if she wants to go... it's lawyers on Main Street at high noon.

 

Here's the bottom line on reconciliation though... betrayal is all about one partner making unilateral decisions that deeply affect the life of the other. So, you're not reconciling when YOU are also making autonomous decisions for the both of you.

 

My advice?.. (and people are going to argue back)... Start with "are you in or are you out?" and hold. Don't cajole or punish, just wait. If she's "out", you're free to make all the unilateral decisions you like. But if she's "in"... you make those decisions together.

 

Ultimately, when a couple chooses recovery, alot of these early decisions about who and what to tell people end up creating more problems and more distrust. Recovery happens in a safe environment that you both create together. So, do you tolerate more contact with the AP?... no. Do you tolerate more than a couple of days of indecision on her part?... no. Do you make unilateral decisions before you know which way the wind is blowing... no.

 

You don't have to be a doormat, but if you stay together, you can't be an ADVERSARY either. It's completely possible to draw that line in the sand without crossing it yourself.

 

I agree with this.

 

The point is that it takes two to make a marriage. As Lady Jane says, your wife has to decide. And soon too.

 

If she does not want to be with you, that's that. Then you lawyer up and hope that you can have a better divorce than you've had a marriage.

 

If she wants to come back, there are two basic things she has to do. The first is SHE has to convince YOU that you can trust her. If she can't do that, forget it.

 

How does she do that? The details must vary because every relationship is different. One thing she must do is admit that she has caused you a great deal of pain. A very great deal. You can't trust her as long as she defends her actions.

 

Another thing is that she can't be secretive. That's clearly untrusting.

 

The other basic thing she has to do is to convince you that she loves you. She can be remorseful without loving you. So she has to work out how to do this.

 

If she does these two basic things, then you acquire some things you must do. One is that you have to treat her with consideration. Another is that the two of you have to develop the ability to talk openly to each other without rancor or raised voices. Yet another is that you will need to work on some habits of yours that drove her crazy.

 

She may not be able to explain why she had the EA. She may not be able to put it into words. But the romantic excitement clearly was one attractive thing. So another thing you might do if she makes progress on the two basic things is to take a few weekend vacations by yourselves, devoting the majority of your time to caring for each other.

[Doorstopper]

So, I want my cheating wife in my house? How does that help? She wants to come back but I have lingering questions that don't add up. I said no.

 

There is an Instagram account with a password reset done a week or two after all pictures stopped. The same night of the password reset all emails-from that month were deleted.

 

I've spoken to my lawyer, but he pretty much says,go the counseling route and take the recommendations from them for now.

[eric1]

1. Have her provide a full written timeline of the affair. Down to the color of her underwear when she made the first phone call

2. Ask her if that is everything

3. Polygraph

 

You are going to kill yourself going after batches of information like the Instagram accounts. The truth is, you already know all of the material information. By uncovering things like deleted emails you're looking at arriving at the truth so you can be healing.

 

The thing is, it's her job to be offering up the truth. She is offering you truth nibbles in the hope you'll move on. It is called trickle truthing. It's very damaging, perhaps more so than the original affair.

 

That's why the only real method is above. There will always be one more trickle to uncover with an unremorseful spouse

[Ladyjane14]

I agree with this.

 

The point is that it takes two to make a marriage. As Lady Jane says, your wife has to decide. And soon too.

 

If she does not want to be with you, that's that. Then you lawyer up and hope that you can have a better divorce than you've had a marriage.

 

If she wants to come back, there are two basic things she has to do. The first is SHE has to convince YOU that you can trust her. If she can't do that, forget it.

 

How does she do that? The details must vary because every relationship is different. One thing she must do is admit that she has caused you a great deal of pain. A very great deal. You can't trust her as long as she defends her actions.

 

Another thing is that she can't be secretive. That's clearly untrusting.

 

The other basic thing she has to do is to convince you that she loves you. She can be remorseful without loving you. So she has to work out how to do this.

 

If she does these two basic things, then you acquire some things you must do. One is that you have to treat her with consideration. Another is that the two of you have to develop the ability to talk openly to each other without rancor or raised voices. Yet another is that you will need to work on some habits of yours that drove her crazy.

 

She may not be able to explain why she had the EA. She may not be able to put it into words. But the romantic excitement clearly was one attractive thing. So another thing you might do if she makes progress on the two basic things is to take a few weekend vacations by yourselves, devoting the majority of your time to caring for each other.

 

I agree with you as well. Cheaters often don't know why they've behaved the way they did until AFTER the dust settles and their thought process returns to normal. The problem is that they've twisted their thinking up enough to give themselves permission to do something they know is wrong. It takes some time to get that sorted.

[Doorstopper]

You actually wrote that you can understand why YOUR WIFE wants to continue contact.

 

That its hard for her.

 

That you understand.

 

Wow.

 

I hope you continue posting here. By next weekend, when you go back and read this sentence, you are going to throw up.

 

Another question. Its friday night. She is in a hotel. You are home with your daughter. Where is the AP?

 

Daughter is with wife. OP is 1000 miles away.

 

I must be a quick learner. It didn't take me a week to realize this.

 

NC is so hard. but I'm trying, though unsuccessfully.

 

The more I look for stuff, the more I need answers from her. Do I need to go "cold turkey" on the information search, to keep myself calm and collected?

[qubist]

Daughter is with wife. OP is 1000 miles away.

 

I must be a quick learner. It didn't take me a week to realize this.

 

NC is so hard. but I'm trying, though unsuccessfully.

 

The more I look for stuff, the more I need answers from her. Do I need to go "cold turkey" on the information search, to keep myself calm and collected?

 

good for you, you just need a little more push. I know it's hard but she needs it too, she is under the influence of the affair. she isn't thinking right, but nothing will work but some tough love.

[Clay]

I think here is what you need to really come to terms with. Some things your never going to know the full truth about and other things you really don't want to know. Hearing how she found him better in bed can kill the marriage all on its own. People that engage in affairs live in a fantasy land and often lie about everything to the people they say the love and care for.

 

I think your just going to have to follow your gut on what you want and can handle. I found in the end on my experiences that I really just don't care to know. It just became clear to me that I was coming to a end of what I would tolerate anymore.

 

Your going to come to that point if she doesn't start working on repairing this on her own.

 

I suggest you stay strong and keep her away until you really see her make changes. If you need the truth then that is what she has to do. If you need her to take a poly then that is what she has to do. Do not settle for anything less than what you need.

 

C

[merrmeade]

I think here is what you need to really come to terms with. Some things your never going to know the full truth about and other things you really don't want to know. Hearing how she found him better in bed can kill the marriage all on its own. People that engage in affairs live in a fantasy land and often lie about everything to the people they say the love and care for.

 

I think your just going to have to follow your gut on what you want and can handle. I found in the end on my experiences that I really just don't care to know. It just became clear to me that I was coming to a end of what I would tolerate anymore.

 

Your going to come to that point if she doesn't start working on repairing this on her own.

I realize reading this that I have no idea how to advise someone doing NC with their cheater spouse. The first therapist I saw in the first month told me to go into IC to work on me only and decide what to do about him later. I'd read Shirley Glass' Not Just Friends and refused, feeling I HAD to know what I didn't know first. That was all I cared about. It was hell, absolute awfulness for three years and I don't think I could have done any different.

 

Going NC usually means letting go of finding out the truth. I think the BS could only do that if s/he's resigned to letting go of the WS and the marriage, too. I can't even contemplate whether I could have done it. All I wanted was the truth. At the time, I wanted it far more than I wanted him, but I had to keep him to get it. Crazy but there it is.

[Clay]

I realize reading this that I have no idea how to advise someone doing NC with their cheater spouse. The first therapist I saw in the first month told me to go into IC to work on me only and decide what to do about him later. I'd read Shirley Glass' Not Just Friends and refused, feeling I HAD to know what I didn't know first. That was all I cared about. It was hell, absolute awfulness for three years and I don't think I could have done any different.

 

Going NC usually means letting go of finding out the truth. I think the BS could only do that if s/he's resigned to letting go of the WS and the marriage, too. I can't even contemplate whether I could have done it. All I wanted was the truth. At the time, I wanted it far more than I wanted him, but I had to keep him to get it. Crazy but there it is.

 

People already do have the truth. There partner cheated on them and betrayed there trust. The details of that can be very painful to deal with. Some people have to have it and others don't. I spent 10 years with a serial cheater and she wasn't even the first woman that cheated on me. I learned a lot about myself at the end of my marriage. I just don't have the patients for people that play games anymore.

 

You like others just have to do what is best for you but the first thing I found on my own was her cheating was never on me. It took years for me to figure that out but in the end its what gave me the strength to leave and take custody of my kids.

 

 

C

[nightmare01]

None of us will ever have the complete and total truth about what went on in our WS affair. This is because we weren't there - we didn't live it, and we can't look inside their head to see what the heck was going on in there.

 

I felt I really needed all of the truth about my WW affair. I told her I had to know exactly what I was being asked to forgive. I told her that as long as there were secrets being kept the affair was still going on in my book.

 

I got more of the truth over time. But now 14+ years after Dday I know that I still don't have it all. And in time I came to understand and accept that I will never get it all, and eventually I just let it go.

 

Knowing more won't change what happened. There's nothing that you can do in the present that will change the past.

 

It took a lot of time and work to get myself here, and I wish there were a short cut I could tell you about. There isn't a shortcut though. It's a very hard road, and we have no choice but to walk it.

[Just a Guy]

Sorry nightmare,but I don't agree. My post was the last one on your thread and I had said at the time that where you find yourself at a particular point of time is the result of the choices/decisions you made along the way. In your case you made the decision to stay and so the long hard road that you are talking about is specific to your case. I just went back and read snippets of your thread and it is clear from what I read that you are reconciled to your fate inspire of some very good advice given to you to the contrary. So I guess you have only your self to hold responsible for the hard road ahead of you. Doorstopper will land in the same situation if he decides to overlook his wife's infidelity. If he takes decisive action to protect himself and his own well being he will be sailing in a very different boat than you. Your case was truly sad. Warm wishes!

[aliveagain]

No husband should have to be put in a position where he has to compete with another man for his wife's affection. You can't control her actions but you can control yours. If like most of us you don't like being in infidelity, take yourself out of it. You can wait for her to commit to only you or you can start the process on your own with the help of a lawyer. The best approach in my opinion is to tell her she is free to see the other man if she wants but not as your wife. If she can't be happy with just you that you will help her find a new place to live and start the process of dismantling all that you have built together. Tell her if she wants to come home and work on the marriage she can but here are your conditions for doing so, give her your demands for reconciliation including independent counselling to find out why she gave herself the approval to have a relationship with another man.

 

Once you have drawn your line in the sand defend it vigorously and seek full remedy for any breech. She needs to know that if you accept her back she needs to do the hard work to fix this mess that her infidelity has caused and that there will be no rug sweeping. You need to know that she is all in or end it, why waste anymore of your time? You are the prize, you honoured your word, she breeched her original contract with you and if she doesn't like the terms of the new one it's better you know now rather than wasting years playing games. Stay strong, moving the line is a sign of weakness and weakness is not an attractive trait to women. Your moving on with your life with or without her.

[Doorstopper]

No husband should have to be put in a position where he has to compete with another man for his wife's affection. You can't control her actions but you can control yours. If like most of us you don't like being in infidelity, take yourself out of it. You can wait for her to commit to only you or you can start the process on your own with the help of a lawyer. The best approach in my opinion is to tell her she is free to see the other man if she wants but not as your wife. If she can't be happy with just you that you will help her find a new place to live and start the process of dismantling all that you have built together. Tell her if she wants to come home and work on the marriage she can but here are your conditions for doing so, give her your demands for reconciliation including independent counselling to find out why she gave herself the approval to have a relationship with another man.

 

Once you have drawn your line in the sand defend it vigorously and seek full remedy for any breech. She needs to know that if you accept her back she needs to do the hard work to fix this mess that her infidelity has caused and that there will be no rug sweeping. You need to know that she is all in or end it, why waste anymore of your time? You are the prize, you honoured your word, she breeched her original contract with you and if she doesn't like the terms of the new one it's better you know now rather than wasting years playing games. Stay strong, moving the line is a sign of weakness and weakness is not an attractive trait to women. Your moving on with your life with or without her.

 

Thank you. I have told her almost exactly that.

 

NC is a no-go so far. We phone argued during the day and then went to a Halloween party together last night (with our daughter); then we had a "good" hour-long phone conversation last night.

 

She can't tell me she wants me, now. This hurts. I'm reasonably sure she suffers from depression and should end up being treated as part of counseling.

 

her hotel is up tomorrow and we have counseling tomorrow night. I think she'll come home tomorrow, and I may find a place to stay for this week. I'd send her back to the hotel, but its unfair to our daughter.

 

She seems "numb", almost like I don't exist. She says that she hasn't had desire for contact with him in a couple of days, but she is always looking at her phone; that part's become habitual and she said it will take time to break. This is what hurts the most right now: I feel too vulnerable and I need "something" from her. Any sign whatsoever that she still might want me. I'm not saying she doesn't, She's just seems incapable of making that decision, right now. I don't know how long I can/should wait.

 

We have talked briefly today but I'm going to try NC again, at least until counseling tomorrow.

Edited November 1, 2015 by Doorstopper

[Ladyjane14]

Thank you. I have told her almost exactly that.

 

NC is a no-go so far. We phone argued during the day and then went to a Halloween party together last night (with our daughter); then we had a "good" hour-long phone conversation last night.

 

She can't tell me she wants me, now. This hurts. I'm reasonably sure she suffers from depression and should end up being treated as part of counseling.

 

her hotel is up tomorrow and we have counseling tomorrow night. I think she'll come home tomorrow, and I may find a place to stay for this week. I'd send her back to the hotel, but its unfair to our daughter.

 

She seems "numb", almost like I don't exist. She says that she hasn't had desire for contact with him in a couple of days, but she is always looking at her phone; that part's become habitual and she said it will take time to break. This is what hurts the most right now: I feel too vulnerable and I need "something" from her. Any sign whatsoever that she still might want me. I'm not saying she doesn't, She's just seems incapable of making that decision, right now. I don't know how long I can/should wait.

 

We have talked briefly today but I'm going to try NC again, at least until counseling tomorrow.

 

I wouldn't leave my home without talking to an attorney first.

[Doorstopper]

The good news is that I am done looking for information, and can live with that. In fact, with all the things I've found, I only see an an instagram account that she can't explain and swears she never used, that I have questions about.

 

I painfully searched through all her browser/google search records and found nothing but a few adult emoji and sexual searches. Google also apparently stores everything you say into your android phone. I have the conversation about whether they were taking the relationship to another level. and one slightly sexually related. Nothing else there but mundane conversation.

 

Mt total texts estimates were also reduced to an average of about 50/day. I know it's stupid, but I want to try to minimize what they had because it wasn't real. They even fought a few times, if I am to believe my wife.

 

I'm not trying to forgive or justify, just minimize.

[Doorstopper]

I wouldn't leave my home without talking to an attorney first.

 

 

We're amicable. If she's the one who goes, its difficult on mu daughter. I can't put her (daughter) through that.

[qubist]

Thank you. I have told her almost exactly that.

 

NC is a no-go so far. We phone argued during the day and then went to a Halloween party together last night (with our daughter); then we had a "good" hour-long phone conversation last night.

 

She can't tell me she wants me, now. This hurts. I'm reasonably sure she suffers from depression and should end up being treated as part of counseling.

 

her hotel is up tomorrow and we have counseling tomorrow night. I think she'll come home tomorrow, and I may find a place to stay for this week. I'd send her back to the hotel, but its unfair to our daughter.

 

She seems "numb", almost like I don't exist. She says that she hasn't had desire for contact with him in a couple of days, but she is always looking at her phone; that part's become habitual and she said it will take time to break. This is what hurts the most right now: I feel too vulnerable and I need "something" from her. Any sign whatsoever that she still might want me. I'm not saying she doesn't, She's just seems incapable of making that decision, right now. I don't know how long I can/should wait.

 

We have talked briefly today but I'm going to try NC again, at least until counseling tomorrow.

Doorstopper: she is still doing the same thing, holding on to the fact that you are still too weak to move on. I don't even know for sure if a NC is necessary, you can still talk to her as long as you are firm on what you are doing. do not leave your house without talking to a lawyer first. In my opinion MC will be a waist of time effort and money, MC only works if both spouses want to work it out, right now only you want it she needs to figure that out first.

Look out for your own interest, see a lawyer ASAP. It's OK to hope for the best but plan for the worst.