Wife had a sext/text affair.

[Spectre]

Give MC a good long try. Divorce is final.

 

Divorce is final. But she cheated on him, so why is that bad in this case? I mean hell right in his first post we have "she told me one day it was over, the next day she was calling dude up".

 

That right there says it all. These are not the actions of someone who is truly sorry or respectful.

 

Now you can shell out money for MC, but unless your counselor is Doc Brown then you can't change the fact she cheated, flat out told you it was over, and then was calling the piece of crap the very next day.

 

She disrespects him, betrays him, taints the marriage, and the response is "do MC for a good long time".

Edited November 10, 2015 by Spectre

[Jersey born raised]

Hi, not sure if you answered my question about your son's reaction. "it is 120

percent your fault ". Can you provide a bullet point reply?

 

Adultery is 120 percent on her and only her. Issues in the marriage are on both of you. You may win this round but your next thread will start "forgave W EA but now she is cheating with my neighbor!!!"

 

There are a lot of reasons why reconcilations do not work. I believe the biggest reasons are the inability if the WS spouse to anticipate and/or handie triggers. The other is not addressing underlining issues.

 

Start by listening and hearing your son, then seek out others who are close to both you and your wife and ask them what they think your wife needs from you while working with a MC.

 

This will be hard on you because the issues in both of your minds is a form of justification of the adultery. They are not. Among the heavy lifting she needs to do is understanding triggers, how to avoid them, and how to handle them.

 

You both have heavy lifting as to the issues in the marriage.

 

Continue the D paperwork and finish it. If your state has a cooling of period of a year, file but use the cooling off period to work on your marriage. If it doesn't have a year cooling of period, set a year time limint.

[Jersey born raised]

Oh set firm boundaries. Include no "comparison shopping" and money matters. Part of your issues may be her resentment caused by feeling unequal in these matters.

[cgiles]

Does your wife stays on the fence ?

 

If yes, it's time to 180 : The 180 | AFFAIRCARE

 

Send this to your son : Understanding Your Loyal Spouse | AFFAIRCARE and ask him what you did for deserve this. Send it to your wife too.

 

I advice you to read this book : http://www.7chan.org/lit/src/Robert_Glover_-_No_More_Mr_Nice_Guy.pdf

 

If you wish to gather information or simply check your trust, you should read this : Standard Evidence Post - Talk About Marriage

 

You told us she lost weight.

Do you need to improve your look for get back ready for dating ?

If yes, improve your look, more you will look "datable", less she will see you as granted.

Once you will fully stop to look granted, you will sit in the driver seat, and decide if she stays in the passenger seat, or if she is in the rear mirror.

 

Two powerfull idioms : if you want to save your relationship, you must be ready to lose it & the one who is ready to leave the relationship control. The second is a bit obscure, but it simply means if you stand for your boundaries, your boundaries will be those of your relationship.

Edited November 11, 2015 by cgiles
correct a link

[turnera]

One of the most important things a man can do when his wife cheats is hit the gym. Start working on your upper-body strength if you aren't already; create the "V" shape; start becoming more desirable. Women subconsciously judge their men based on how in shape they are (can he fight off the other cavemen?). So to either get her to choose you or to get the future women looking, hit the gym. Plus, it makes you feel good about yourself.

[Doorstopper]

Does your wife stays on the fence ?

 

If yes, it's time to 180 : The 180 | AFFAIRCARE

 

Send this to your son : Understanding Your Loyal Spouse | AFFAIRCARE and ask him what you did for deserve this. Send it to your wife too.

 

I advice you to read this book : http://www.7chan.org/lit/src/Robert_Glover_-_No_More_Mr_Nice_Guy.pdf

 

If you wish to gather information or simply check your trust, you should read this : Standard Evidence Post - Talk About Marriage

 

You told us she lost weight.

Do you need to improve your look for get back ready for dating ?

If yes, improve your look, more you will look "datable", less she will see you as granted.

Once you will fully stop to look granted, you will sit in the driver seat, and decide if she stays in the passenger seat, or if she is in the rear mirror.

 

Two powerfull idioms : if you want to save your relationship, you must be ready to lose it & the one who is ready to leave the relationship control. The second is a bit obscure, but it simply means if you stand for your boundaries, your boundaries will be those of your relationship.

 

I can't tell if she's on the fence or on my side. While things are better, she really doesn't seem to remember anything. For instance, although she says she didn't send many nude pictures, she's not 100% sure that she only sent them when she was away (i got most/all of these as well) or from home or anywhere else. Since these would be the only nudes she has ever sent, in her life, I can't believe that she doesn't know. It seems like she's only willing to admit, what I already know, but there doesn't seem to be a reason to lie. If she sent 8 pictures or 30, it doesn't make a big difference.

 

I read through those 34 questions and I realized that I need to man-up big time. I just posted 4 copies of this in my office (luckily I work alone).

 

2 weeks in, I'm starting to question MC. The plan is to work on putting the relationship back together without much addressing of the affair. I was told that I won't likely get many details of what happened. I find this very frustrating.

[Marc878]

If you can't tell if she's on the fence or your side you have your answer.

 

Can you live with it?

[BetrayedH]

I can't tell if she's on the fence or on my side. While things are better, she really doesn't seem to remember anything. For instance, although she says she didn't send many nude pictures, she's not 100% sure that she only sent them when she was away (i got most/all of these as well) or from home or anywhere else. Since these would be the only nudes she has ever sent, in her life, I can't believe that she doesn't know. It seems like she's only willing to admit, what I already know, but there doesn't seem to be a reason to lie. If she sent 8 pictures or 30, it doesn't make a big difference.

 

I read through those 34 questions and I realized that I need to man-up big time. I just posted 4 copies of this in my office (luckily I work alone).

 

2 weeks in, I'm starting to question MC. The plan is to work on putting the relationship back together without much addressing of the affair. I was told that I won't likely get many details of what happened. I find this very frustrating.

 

As for MC, I'd say it is often an unwise knee-jerk reaction to an affair. Bear in mind, it was not the state of the marriage that caused the affair. It was the state of the wayward. Individual counseling for her is what is imperative. She needs to be digging deep to determine why she'd make such an illogical, unethical, disrespectful, destructive, and immoral choice. A healthy person doesn't choose an affair as a solution to marital problems. A healthy person is not so desperate for external validation; they would choose to either fix the marriage or leave it.

 

Unfortunately, many marriage counselors are also woefully inept at dealing with infidelity. A decent percentage either haven't been through it or they may have been waywards themselves. You'll find all sorts of rugsweeping advice in MCs. I underwent a lot of pressure to choke down the affair while the MC focused on "other" marital challenges. It doesn't work.

 

That said, sometimes waywards have a difficult time opening up anywhere else. And MC can provide a "safe" environment for both parties to open up. We tend to behave a little bit better when a third party is present. And they can be both objective and educated on conflict resolution. In some cases, MC can be very helpful.

 

I believe the trick is to find the right MC. Another respected poster here commonly advises to give a therapist 3 appointments to make a connection. If they haven't made a connection after three appointments, they'll understand you moving to another.

 

That's my $.02 anyway.

[kgcolonel]

If you can't tell that she IS ON YOUR SIDE OF THE FENCE, she isn't doing what she needs to be doing.....

[BetrayedH]

If you can't tell that she IS ON YOUR SIDE OF THE FENCE, she isn't doing what she needs to be doing.....

 

Personally, I think that's when they have to be pushed off the fence.

 

If she's not 100% committed, then the natural consequence is the receipt of divorce papers. If that doesn't result in the actions you need to see, then you're on the way to the divorce you need.

 

Your patience slows down this process.

[qubist]

In my opinion, you are wasting time, effort and money with MC. She is not ready yet for it. Instead she needs an IC, if she commits to the marriage then you may consider MC.

[Doorstopper]

In my opinion, you are wasting time, effort and money with MC. She is not ready yet for it. Instead she needs an IC, if she commits to the marriage then you may consider MC.

 

MC is over....for now. I'm on my way to IC in an hour and she goes next week. She wants to be 100% in but pretty much admitted that she can't bring herself to be completely honest right now.

 

She followed me to bed like a puppy dog last night. I didn't say anything except goodnight. It was kind of cute. Looks like the puppy dog state continues today. She's coming to the gym with me tonight for the maybe the second time ever. She has always gone by herself or with our daughter.

 

I think me going to IC scares her. Just need her to emotionally connect and be honest.

Edited November 12, 2015 by Doorstopper

[Doorstopper]

If she not going to be honest then you have nothing to work with.

 

Its not so much that she's not honest, its that she is too ashamed, to admit what she did, and more importantly to admit how she really felt about him. She's so torn that she can't forgive herself for this. Everything is coming out slowly and things are getting better by the day. We can actually talk about her honesty issues, which she admits, but she's not yet ready to give the "complete" story.

 

BTW, The IC I saw today thinks the MC we went to, is nuts. He's going to meet with wife in about a week.

[Marc878]

An affair can end a marriage. Lying will end a marriage.

 

Living in limbo will get old unless you become a doormat.

 

Know one thing this is your life too. This is up to you to resolve whichever path you choose.

 

 

Think in depth and take your time.

[aliveagain]

Control the things you can control. If your wife wants to be in love with another man than do with her what you would do with anything you loose interest in, get rid of it. You should never be her default position, second to another man or be left in a state of limbo. Take the choice away from her, she makes bad choices, this is your life we are talking about and there is no room for a boyfriend in it, ever. Move on, the choice to follow you is the only choice you should give her, having to think about it for a while is another bad choice. Your best choice is to talk to a lawyer and plan for the worst. It is up to her to prove to you that continuing with the marriage is the right choice, fu*k her feelings of hurt or loss because of the other man, o/m is not part of your universe.

[qubist]

MC is over....for now. I'm on my way to IC in an hour and she goes next week. She wants to be 100% in but pretty much admitted that she can't bring herself to be completely honest right now.

 

She followed me to bed like a puppy dog last night. I didn't say anything except goodnight. It was kind of cute. Looks like the puppy dog state continues today. She's coming to the gym with me tonight for the maybe the second time ever. She has always gone by herself or with our daughter.

 

I think me going to IC scares her. Just need her to emotionally connect and be honest.

.

 

In my opinion she is showing progress which wouldn't have happened if you didn't show her that you could move on. It is still too early to determine for sure she is remorseful and wants to work on fixing herself and the marriage. I applaud your patience, it is always wise to confided all options rather than jump into one too quickly. IC will help her see where she is

[HereNorThere]

Can we move past this whole "she doesn't remember" thing? Trust me, not only does she remember, the truth is that she will never forget. The taste of forbidden fruit creates an unimaginable, artificial longing in people. The obsession and details played over and over in her mind for a long time.

 

We recreate the essence of a moment when we recall memories. Not just sights, sounds, smells, but more importantly, the emotion and how we felt at the time. Highly emotionally charged memories tend to very, vivid because we're reliving the moment, not just rewinding the video tape. This is why so many people suffer from PTSD.

 

We are not so selective with our memories that we can choose the ones to keep and toss away the ones we don't. We might all actually be in a better place if we could, but evolution saw this as a means to aid our survival. Sure, some people do suffer from different types of memory loss, but they don't get surgical precision removing the memories that just so happen to incriminate them.

 

Is she too ashamed to admit the truth? Sure, that's very likely, but that's also just the reason she's lying. It doesn't change the fact that's she's lying.

[Doorstopper]

Can we move past this whole "she doesn't remember" thing? Trust me, not only does she remember, the truth is that she will never forget. The taste of forbidden fruit creates an unimaginable, artificial longing in people. The obsession and details played over and over in her mind for a long time.

 

We recreate the essence of a moment when we recall memories. Not just sights, sounds, smells, but more importantly, the emotion and how we felt at the time. Highly emotionally charged memories tend to very, vivid because we're reliving the moment, not just rewinding the video tape. This is why so many people suffer from PTSD.

 

We are not so selective with our memories that we can choose the ones to keep and toss away the ones we don't. We might all actually be in a better place if we could, but evolution saw this as a means to aid our survival. Sure, some people do suffer from different types of memory loss, but they don't get surgical precision removing the memories that just so happen to incriminate them.

 

Is she too ashamed to admit the truth? Sure, that's very likely, but that's also just the reason she's lying. It doesn't change the fact that's she's lying.

 

I absolutely hear what you're saying, but there is also more to this story that involves W before she met me. Something happened, more than 30 years ago, that was on the "national disaster" level, that was basically addressed, in the family, by not talking about it.

 

Given this, I feel comfortable to give her some patience and time (within reason) to get herself sorted out. I have made it very clear that there will be no future, until I'm convinced everything is out in the open. I know what I want, I know what I need, and I will know when I have it. Most importantly, she knows this.

 

I am also putting any divorce filing on hold. I am 90% sure that if papers are filed now, she will withdraw and it will in fact be over. This is not to say I won't ever file, but if I do, I think it will be final.

 

We are making progress.

[qubist]

I absolutely hear what you're saying, but there is also more to this story that involves W before she met me. Something happened, more than 30 years ago, that was on the "national disaster" level, that was basically addressed, in the family, by not talking about it.

 

Given this, I feel comfortable to give her some patience and time (within reason) to get herself sorted out. I have made it very clear that there will be no future, until I'm convinced everything is out in the open. I know what I want, I know what I need, and I will know when I have it. Most importantly, she knows this.

 

I am also putting any divorce filing on hold. I am 90% sure that if papers are filed now, she will withdraw and it will in fact be over. This is not to say I won't ever file, but if I do, I think it will be final.

 

We are making progress.

I see what you are doing, and agree that there is some progress, but i want to point to 2 things:

1-are you putting divorce filling on hold because you see improvement or because you are afraid to loose her? it seems to me that the later reason applies to you which is wrong. remember you didn't get to this point till you put your foot down on the issue, then things have stopped.

2- while being patient is a good strategy, and I really applaud your willing to work on things with your wife but you gotta understand that pressuring her is also for her own sake. she needs it as much as you do. do not give her the impression that you stopped the D filling, also take some time for your self improvement, go out with friends or to the gym. do whatever hobbies you enjoy or even try new ones. this will help you be prepared to move in case things do work out with her ( i know you don't wanna hear it but you have to prepare for all possibilities) and it also send her a message that you are not in the back burner for ever.

[Doorstopper]

I see what you are doing, and agree that there is some progress, but i want to point to 2 things:

1-are you putting divorce filling on hold because you see improvement or because you are afraid to loose her? it seems to me that the later reason applies to you which is wrong. remember you didn't get to this point till you put your foot down on the issue, then things have stopped.

2- while being patient is a good strategy, and I really applaud your willing to work on things with your wife but you gotta understand that pressuring her is also for her own sake. she needs it as much as you do. do not give her the impression that you stopped the D filling, also take some time for your self improvement, go out with friends or to the gym. do whatever hobbies you enjoy or even try new ones. this will help you be prepared to move in case things do work out with her ( i know you don't wanna hear it but you have to prepare for all possibilities) and it also send her a message that you are not in the back burner for ever.

 

The main reason not to file is the progress, but there are many other reasons including costs not just lawyer fees, but rent, child support etc. I don't actually think that I'm afraid of losing her. I don't want it to happen, but I can see a life without her. If this is settled, its on my terms and they are etched in stone. If this drags on for a couple of months ( or at least through the holidays) and then I decide to file, I'm OK with that.

 

And I am still applying pressure for her to get it out. If progress continues, I steer the ship in the same direction, if it stalls, I re-evaluate.

Edited November 13, 2015 by Doorstopper

[qubist]

The main reason not to file is the progress, but there are many other reasons including costs not just lawyer fees, but rent, child support etc. I don't actually think that I'm afraid of losing her. I don't want it to happen, but I can see a life without her. If this is settled, its on my terms and they are etched in stone. If this drags on for a couple of months ( or at least through the holidays) and then I decide to file, I'm OK with that.

 

And I am still applying pressure for her to get it out. If progress continues, I steer the ship in the same direction, if it stalls, I re-evaluate.

 

in this case I think you are doing the right thing. Hopefully she gets to her senses and do the right thing, i would a good thing if you can reconcile. meanwhile do no forget to take care of yourself. do the "Live Well" thing. that would help you a lot.

[Doorstopper]

I was a good weekend. After a lot of back and forth with arguments, crying, and hugs, W finally "opened up". As far as the facts of what actually happened, I believe I know just about everything, or at least enough that I don't really have any questions right know.

 

There are still some issues about her feelings to work out. She had a very hard time admitting to me, that she loved him for 4 months and continually said "I thought I loved him". She says he made her happy .... he was there, and available, while I was off working or doing my own thing. But beyond this she can't articulate how he made her happy. We need to talk more about this. Sexting was not the major component of the affair, it was the emotional connection. I believed this all along, just knowing her conservatism.

 

We spent a lot of time together just laying in bed and talking. I could feel the emotional ties from the past, beginning to strengthen. I still don't know if I can forgive her, but that is something I have to work through.

 

So how did we get to this point so quickly? (and I am grateful since I don't know if I could hang on, waiting for months) I knew that whenever I asked anything, I pushed too hard and got nowhere. I also knew while she didn't want talk about, that didn't mean she wanted to end the marriage. I asked her to make a playlist, 8-10 songs, telling me how she felt. I did the same, and we listened. This led to our breakthrough and all the emotions started coming out.

 

I do want to thank everyone here for their advice. It was very helpful to understand the situation clearly. What I learned, was that I had to combine that advice with the "unmentionable or untold" information of our history, lives and knowledge of each other to decide how to proceed in a rational way. Everyone here helped me to be rational about this and got me to see clearly far earlier than I could have on my own.

 

We still have a very long road ahead and the future is still unknown. I will continue to post updates but they may be much less frequent.

[turnera]

Doorstopper, give her these articles to read. It will help her understand why she 'thought' she was in love with him.

 

What is Disloyal Fog? | AFFAIRCARE

 

Anatomy of an Affair - The Chemistry of Love - Marriage AdvocatesMarriage Advocates

 

It's what happens to the human brain, chemically, when one is in the infatuation stage of a new relationship. The brain makes no distinction between legitimate or illicit relationships; it knows only the basic, chemical and physiological attraction.

 

Quote:

PEA (beta-phenylethylamine)

PEA (beta-phenylethylamine)

beta-phenylethylamine (PEA), a naturally occurring neurohormone/neurotransmitter (chemical signal messenger between nerves) that’s normally synthesized in the brain from the amino acid phenylalanine. PEA has the unique ability to increase the activity of the major neurotransmitters and improve your life functions.

 

PEA increases the effects of dopamine (for wellbeing and feeling pleasure), norepinephrine (the brain’s stimulant for wakefulness and higher performance), acetylcholine (for improving memory and mental activity), and serotonin (for better mood emotion and impulse control). PEA is a highly-concentrated neurotransmitter in the limbic system (the brain’s emotional center) that increases motivation, physical drive, feelings and social activity.

 

 

Basically, when one is in an affair -- especially its earlier stages of the first few months -- they are greatly influenced by these hormones. In fact, studies have shown that the PEA-washed brain even appears differently on CAT scans!

 

How else to explain the behavior of people who have thrown away their careers, their families, even their fortunes for the attraction of an affair? Or how about otherwise-sane, bright female astronaut who drove across country WEARING AN ADULT DIAPER, so she would save time and not have to stop for bathroom breaks, to avenge her lover?

 

It doesn't excuse the behavior, but it does help to EXPLAIN it, if you study it. Affairs are HIGHLY addictive, and people caught up in them will often do almost anything to get their next "fix."

 

It also helps explain why the betrayed spouse's attempts at meeting the cheating spouse's emotional needs are largely unsuccessful -- even BLOCKED -- at this stage. They're simply not going to be receptive to you.

 

You can Google "PEA love lust brain addiction" and follow the links to do more research on it. I've come to the conclusion that you pretty much either believe that affairs are highly addictive, or you don't. And where you come down on that will greatly influence what strategies and tactics you employ, and how well can understand (and even predict) the behavior of your cheating spouse.

PEAs love lust brain addiction - DivorceBusting.com

[qubist]

Doorstopper: I'm so happy for you and your wife, I'm also glad that you know this isn't the end of it and the road ahead is still rocky, however I think you have what it takes to make it. I applaud your willingness to work with you wife issues rather than just go for the kill, lot of people do not have that on them, 3 years ago I didn't know the word reconciliation existed in the dictionary.

If she opens up that means she is trying to do the right thing, do not miss on the opportunity to make your marriage even better.

[Jersey born raised]

I asked you if you could bullet point your sons reasons for blaming you. I did not do so to justisfy or valiadate her adultery. The adultery is on her.

 

Rather to try to understand the issues in the marriage. I guess you can shame her into being a good little wife. History has a nasty habit of repeating itself.

 

Care to give it a go?