hurts_so_bad Posted October 28, 2015 Share Posted October 28, 2015 Hey Guys/Gals! Its been a long while since I have been on...Things are much better and I guess time has healed much of my wounds from the time she left me...Life is much better now, I have my home back and the deal I have with my ex is perfect.. We have joint custody of our 3 kids..My two girls live with her but they come by alot during the week after school till their mother picks them up after work. I also have them every other weekend..My son lives with me... We have a good agreement being separated instead of divorced. She has been extremely fair with taking a lot less child support then she could get being she knows it would be hard for me to pay a mortgage, bills and over $2000 child support a month... In turn I have not pushed for divorce because she has a heart condition which leaves her in need of my medical insurance.. When we see eachother we are pleasant..Im nice but not to nice so to speak.. I still love her very much and kinda wish we would work things out even still but I wont bring myself to be to nice or a pushover for her either.. Thats what leads me to the question Im going to ask hoping to get some advice..Although Im not a pushover for her..In many ways I feel like Im always still there! Its hard not to be when you have kids together..There are always times we have to speak whether it be texting or talking on the phone regarding school, holiday arrangements, etc... But I kind of feel that I should communicate only for the sole purpose of the kids..Anything other then that to me is friends and the last thing I want is friends! She text me today asking if I can buy my girls their halloween costumes being she spent a lot of money on other things for them...I told her that was fine..She then text me telling me she had a few things she wants me to sell for her on ebay.... Thats where the red flag pops up for me! Although she said she would split it with me 50/50 I feel now we are communicating on a different level other then our kids..I kind of let that comment go unanswered but, I know she will probably bring it up again or she may even give the stuff to my girls to give me one afternoon, When she comes to get them from my house after work.. Like I said before, I do still care for this women but I dont feel doing her favors helps my case in making her realize we are no longer together by doing things friends would do for eachother! Even if it means cutting of my nose to spite my face by not getting the 50% of the sale... If she does bring the stuff to my house or mentions it again I am just going to tell her nicely that Im not being a d@@k but I really dont think its a good idea and leave it at that....Just wanted to get input on how you guys would handle it? Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted October 28, 2015 Share Posted October 28, 2015 If your children derive any benefit from this added income, consider it for them not her. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author hurts_so_bad Posted October 28, 2015 Author Share Posted October 28, 2015 If your children derive any benefit from this added income, consider it for them not her. Not really my kids are treated very well without it.. Link to post Share on other sites
CarrieT Posted October 28, 2015 Share Posted October 28, 2015 If she does bring the stuff to my house or mentions it again I am just going to tell her nicely that Im not being a d@@k but I really dont think its a good idea and leave it at that....Just wanted to get input on how you guys would handle it? You can do it less passive-aggressively... Just state that you appreciate her need in this, but that you really don't have the time and are sorry you can't help. Leave it at that. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
mystikmind2005 Posted October 28, 2015 Share Posted October 28, 2015 When my ex informed me the marriage was over, she pretended to be all friendly and saying she wants an amicable co-parenting arrangement. What she really meant by that was co-parenting arrangements subject to her discretion. She will not allow any overnight stay, complains about nonsensical things saying i don't feed our daughter and make her sick etc etc. Before the separation she would say how good a father i was etc etc, and i was the one spending most of the time with our daughter as my ex works in the city and doesn't get home till 7:30/8pm at night. So it is quite a disaster and my ex acts as if i am being childish not wanting to be friends!! Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted October 29, 2015 Share Posted October 29, 2015 Just state that you appreciate her need in this, but that you really don't have the time and are sorry you can't help. Leave it at that. Works here and is a template for the future. Anything not kid-related, just tell her yes or no based on your inclination and desires, no explanation necessary... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
Author hurts_so_bad Posted October 29, 2015 Author Share Posted October 29, 2015 I appreciate it but I just dont have the time is actually a better response. Thanks! It doesnt leave the door open for her to think that my feelings are involved like my response would have.. As I mentioned, Although I still have feelings for her the last thing I want to do is be in her friends zone that leaves her feeling all comfortable that I am still there for her needs... This breakup took a long while to get over but it changed me for the best I think...Im still a work in progress but I think its made me a better and stronger man who sticks up for himself.. I now realize many thing that I was doing wrong even with other aspects of my life such as friends and family In some ways I feel like I was to nice and a pushover for some people in my life who didnt earn it or deserve it..I have changed my ways a lot and Im no longer the same pleaser I used to be... Its a shame but I realize that when your a pleaser to people who do not reciprocate they lose respect for you and treat you like a doormat...They may not even realize it but they do...Sure they will say your a nice guy or a great person but how does that help my feelings when I do for the people I call friends but when the time comes my so called friends arent there for me? It stings! People say you should do without expecting anything in return.. That to me is BS! I do for charity without expecting anything in return but when it comes to doing for friends I expect that same friendship in return when needed or your not a true friend and Im not a martyr 1 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted October 29, 2015 Share Posted October 29, 2015 I would tell her you don't have time. C'mon is she really so sick she can't list things on eBay? You pay your child support and more. There's no need to be her servant too. Link to post Share on other sites
Author hurts_so_bad Posted October 29, 2015 Author Share Posted October 29, 2015 When my ex informed me the marriage was over, she pretended to be all friendly and saying she wants an amicable co-parenting arrangement. What she really meant by that was co-parenting arrangements subject to her discretion. She will not allow any overnight stay, complains about nonsensical things saying i don't feed our daughter and make her sick etc etc. Before the separation she would say how good a father i was etc etc, and i was the one spending most of the time with our daughter as my ex works in the city and doesn't get home till 7:30/8pm at night. So it is quite a disaster and my ex acts as if i am being childish not wanting to be friends!! That really sucks and Im sorry to hear that! My advice to you is that you get more bees with honey..Dont even give her the satisfaction of arguing with her...Tell her what she wants to hear. If she says she wants to be friends, Be friends... If thats whats is going to get you to see your daughter overnight..But being friends is just a title..It doesnt mean you have to answer her calls or go hang out with her or do anything for her..Just tell her yeah we are friends while your laughing on the inside! Manipulate her like she would you... Link to post Share on other sites
Author hurts_so_bad Posted October 29, 2015 Author Share Posted October 29, 2015 I would tell her you don't have time. C'mon is she really so sick she can't list things on eBay? You pay your child support and more. There's no need to be her servant too. Absolutely not! I agree..I dont think she looks at me as a servant though or she would just ask me to do it for her without offering a 50-50 split...My thing is I want to show her that Im not there for you when your not for me..Regardless of the money there has to be a balance with everything in life.. Link to post Share on other sites
LifeNomad Posted October 30, 2015 Share Posted October 30, 2015 my ex did the same thing asked me I could sell some stuff for her on ebay after we had split, I kinda didn't want to but I told her "id see" and took them from her, however didn't end up listing them. I made up an excuse about how it would be better to sell it locally to save on shipping and fees and just didn't do anything with them. Ive met a few females that have been divorced for years, and have nothing but good to say about their exes, have told me they can count on their exes more than they can count on their current bf when it comes to certain things, depend on them in emergencies and always there for their kids. That's kinda the way I want my ex to view me, she has a bf even more so cuz I know it would bug the heck out of him to know my ex has a good relationship with me Link to post Share on other sites
Author hurts_so_bad Posted November 10, 2015 Author Share Posted November 10, 2015 my ex did the same thing asked me I could sell some stuff for her on ebay after we had split, I kinda didn't want to but I told her "id see" and took them from her, however didn't end up listing them. I made up an excuse about how it would be better to sell it locally to save on shipping and fees and just didn't do anything with them. Ive met a few females that have been divorced for years, and have nothing but good to say about their exes, have told me they can count on their exes more than they can count on their current bf when it comes to certain things, depend on them in emergencies and always there for their kids. That's kinda the way I want my ex to view me, she has a bf even more so cuz I know it would bug the heck out of him to know my ex has a good relationship with me I havent been on in a bit sorry...I see where you are coming from but I dont necessarily think the ex having the outlook that you are there more for them then their current BF is a good outlook for the ex to have... If its for the kids yes absolutely! If you are completely done and over her with no feelings aside for friendship maybe so.. BUT I have this thing about me that tends not to be there for people who arent there for me..The last thing I want to be is in friend zone with my ex crying on my shoulder over another dude! Many times the reason these women you speak about have nothing bad to say about their ex is because their ex' husbands are probably still kissing their ass's trying to win their affection and love back. So why would any women have anything bad to say..Problem is although they may talk good about them, There are no feelings for them because they see them in a different light because they kiss their ass's... Kissing anyones ass will only make them look at you as the "nice guy" In my eyes there shold be a balance to any relationship..If your not there for me I am going to make sure Im not for you...Sometimes that lesson changes the way people treat you..And although they may not like you at times they will respect you! Why do you think so many women that are totally head over heals with a guy always complain about them? Because that GUY they are complaining about isnt kissing their ass but yet the exact thing they complain about is what attracts them to him! WOMEN! lol Link to post Share on other sites
schiller Posted November 10, 2015 Share Posted November 10, 2015 Sell the stuff on Ebay and take your 50% Don't do anything else for her that doesn't benefit you or your children directly. Link to post Share on other sites
loveboid Posted November 11, 2015 Share Posted November 11, 2015 Your behavior is insane to me. What on earth are you still married to her for? You are leaving yourself wide open to alimony. The longer you are married the longer and higher you may pay alimony. Her heart condition can be cared for with Obama care. She cannot be denied for pre-existing conditions. Health insurance is dealt with all of the time in divorce. You divorce and may pay something toward her health insurance if anything. That's it. She is taking you for a ride. The ride could get a lot bumpier in the future. Link to post Share on other sites
oldshirt Posted November 11, 2015 Share Posted November 11, 2015 I haven't read the other replies so excuse me if this has already been said. Treat an ex the way you would someone else that you know in town but no more. If you come across her broke down in the middle of nowhere in a snowstorm, offer her shelter in your car untill the tow truck gets there (which she pays for) That is just being a good human being and earth citizen. But do not do anything that people do for their spouses. She had a spouse and she didn't want one and she forfeited those perks when she left. If she wants those perks she can come up with a reconciliation plan, make you the proposal and do the heavy lifting to make it work. Don't give anyone the perks of being a spouse unless they are your actual spouse giving you the same perks. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ASG Posted November 11, 2015 Share Posted November 11, 2015 My dad still relies heavily on my mom, even after 20+ years of being separated and my mom having remarried. He has several health issues and no other family, so he sometimes asks my mom for help, when my brother and I can't be of assistance. It's worked out fine over the years and I would say they are friends. So just trust your instinct regarding your limits. You don't need to do EVERYTHING for her. But it's good that you have such a good relationship when it comes to co-parenting. I had something similar. Even though the agreement was that we lived with mom and spent every other weekend with dad, we saw our dad almost every day, as he would usually pick us up from school, as my mom worked later. It really was the best thing for us (even though I'm sure, to start with, it must have been a nightmare for my parents!) Link to post Share on other sites
TunaCat Posted November 11, 2015 Share Posted November 11, 2015 My ex stepdad used to try and talk my mom into taking him to the ER when he needed, driving him to the airport etc. Their divorce took 3 1/2 years to finalize because he kept switching attorneys. Anyway, he asked my mom for all these favors and more because he has literally no friends to help him out. My mom said no. She had established boundaries & she made sure she followed through with them. I don't think he was used to that because his mom coddled all three of her sons & her husband and my mom had never put a boundary in place during their marriage. Link to post Share on other sites
qubist Posted November 11, 2015 Share Posted November 11, 2015 Absolutely not! I agree..I dont think she looks at me as a servant though or she would just ask me to do it for her without offering a 50-50 split...My thing is I want to show her that Im not there for you when your not for me..Regardless of the money there has to be a balance with everything in life.. I think you should somehow give her a message that you are not there for her conveniences. but do it a smart way. just come up with excuses every time she asks for anything. it looks like you still have feelings for her and wish for a second chance while she's moved on. if that's the case you have to go further and limit your contact to just kids related stuff. just curious, is she dating or seeing anyone else? Link to post Share on other sites
Author hurts_so_bad Posted November 23, 2015 Author Share Posted November 23, 2015 I haven't read the other replies so excuse me if this has already been said. Treat an ex the way you would someone else that you know in town but no more. If you come across her broke down in the middle of nowhere in a snowstorm, offer her shelter in your car untill the tow truck gets there (which she pays for) That is just being a good human being and earth citizen. But do not do anything that people do for their spouses. She had a spouse and she didn't want one and she forfeited those perks when she left. If she wants those perks she can come up with a reconciliation plan, make you the proposal and do the heavy lifting to make it work. Don't give anyone the perks of being a spouse unless they are your actual spouse giving you the same perks. Agreed 110%!!!!! Link to post Share on other sites
Author hurts_so_bad Posted November 24, 2015 Author Share Posted November 24, 2015 Your behavior is insane to me. What on earth are you still married to her for? You are leaving yourself wide open to alimony. The longer you are married the longer and higher you may pay alimony. Her heart condition can be cared for with Obama care. She cannot be denied for pre-existing conditions. Health insurance is dealt with all of the time in divorce. You divorce and may pay something toward her health insurance if anything. That's it. She is taking you for a ride. The ride could get a lot bumpier in the future. A legal separation/Divorce agreement was written up and filed a long time ago when I bought her out of my house..So no one is being taken for a ride...Atleast not more then anyone else has but I think I have come out of this a lot better then most by playing it cool...She agreed on x amount for my kids and 50% of my pension which was up till the point of separation and no further..Any years I have and will accumulate from that point on, She is not entitled to...My kids are getting closer and closer to 21 as the years go by why am I going to open a can of worms that could possibly piss her off and make her fight for more...Whether she wins or not why bring that drama into my life? That would be Insane! Im living a hell of a good life but to do my best to insure it I have to be patient and not stupid! The longer I keep it cool the more it benefits me and thats all I care about aside for my kids...Besides I am not planning on going threw this **** ever again by getting married so I'm not in any rush to get divorced.. Link to post Share on other sites
Author hurts_so_bad Posted November 24, 2015 Author Share Posted November 24, 2015 I think you should somehow give her a message that you are not there for her conveniences. but do it a smart way. just come up with excuses every time she asks for anything. it looks like you still have feelings for her and wish for a second chance while she's moved on. if that's the case you have to go further and limit your contact to just kids related stuff. just curious, is she dating or seeing anyone else? We are both dating someone else at this point and yes I do still have feelings for her and I'm sure she does for me as well..Thats why I am so hard on guys that mention doing stuff and helping out their ex's...I played that game for a while with her and I feel in a way it made things easier for her to move on knowing that I am still there... She would mostly contact me about the kids but now and then she would text me random things that I responded to..She even asked me on a date then flaked...For the past few months I have been limiting that kind of stuff and contact in things that do not pertain to the kids because I feel like I am stroking her ego... In a way I feel like she feels, She hasnt really lost me and thats not the way I want her to think! Thing is there are two ways to look at it which I havent quite figured out yet...If I shut her down completely and do not answer her texts or calls that are not pertaining to the kids I feel she will think its because I am upset about the situation, Which I dont want her to think.. On the other hand though, I feel like by being polite and answering her gives her the satisfaction of feeling I am still there in the wings..I dont know if that makes sense to you but I feel like neither is the right way to go there has to be a middle ground between the two... Link to post Share on other sites
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