On the verge of doing something stupid

[Blacklilyxx]

Ive known this guy N., for a year,he's 31 married and has a little kid who's 3. I'm 26 and single.We are in the same masters program and while we were not friends we were friendly with each other and talked randomly every now and then with the rest of the class.

 

A year into the program , a bunch of us went out to drink, and we got really ****ed up, (like 8 of us), acting like we were in college and just being stupid. Eventually we ended up kissing as a dare (I know how immature and stupid it sounds). And something happened, it was literally like someone had turned a switch on, and we couldnt break apart. We kissed two more times without prompting, and he kept whispering all this non sense, praising me on of how great, beautiful and smart he thought I was and how if he wasnt married hed be all over me etc.. We didnt do anything except kiss, hug and flirt all night. By the time I got home I was so wasted I passed out. The next day I was torn apart, because I felt so guilty for enjoying it so much and getting giddy and excited remembering it. And even though my brain kept telling me it was nothing and he was probably full of bull****, and it was all in the heat of the moment, I couldnt shake the excitement.

 

We were on break so I didnt see him for almost a month, and I thought it would just pass, that we would go on as if nothing had changed. And thats exactly what happened when we got back. Until we went out for drinks with the rest of the group, and as the night progressed he started getting flirty. At one moment we were left alone in the parking lot and I thought he would make a move but he didnt we were just silent for like 5 minutes straight.

 

We went out once again a few weeks after, and same thing happened, only this time he offered to walk me and wait with me for the uber to pick me up. The weird thing was that he was all flirty while we were with everyone else and as soon as it was just the two of us, he went silent again. I was too afraid to say anything or even look at him, out of fear of betraying myself and showing how into him I was. He said nothing and I got into the cab and left. And two minutes later I get a text saying he was glad I had come and that he had a good time.Drunk, stupid and horny I texted back , that maybe next time it could be better. And he replied that this wall all he could do for now. Even drunk I understood he was shutting me down (as he should). So I said it is what is is. And he just txtd a sad smiley. And that was that.

 

I didnt text him or treat him any differently when we saw each other at school. I actually started liking someone else, and talking to that guy in class. I was trying to find out if he was single. Anyways a month and half after, one of my friends (and the only other woman in the program) celebrated her birthday. So once again we went out for drinks and I invited the guy I was crushing on. Turns out he is not married but has a complicated situation, he broke up with his gf in the middle of the pregnancy, his baby is not even a month old, and I get the sense he might still be with her but was lying. Anyways I was turned off, so I blew him off for the rest of the night and decided to hang out with the rest of the crowd, N included. He was flirty as usual but way out in the open, and I was smitten. I figured it would be like always, he would flirt and nothing would happen.

 

Except this time they kicked us out of the bar, some people left and the rest of us were hanging out in the parking lot, trying to figure out riding arrangements since not everyone was fit to drive. At some point we were left alone and then he just started kissing me. We made out for like an hour out in the open, so it was all very pg-13. And in the in betweens he apologized to me for blowing me off, and he went on and on about how he had been trying to resist this but that he was done trying, because he couldnt stop thinking about me, and how into me he was. I apologized for wanting him, even though he was married, and I kept repeating how wrong this was but that I didnt care that I wanted to have sex with him(I feel awful even typing it). He said he wanted to try and see what this was, I didnt say no or yes but just kept kissing him. And he said it would happen somehow.Eventually each of us went home and nothing else happened.

 

After this last time,I know Im in dangerous territory. And that we have already crossed some lines, but I know that if we have sex, its a line there is no going back from, because I dont trust myself enough to be able to stop. We treat each other the same as always, with the exception that sometimes there's some awkwardness now , especially when no one else is around. I have avoided going out with them to get drinks for a month now. And I know that if I go into this I will only end up getting hurt. I like him so much, I cant help the way I feel whenever i think of him

 

We havent talked or adressed the issue while sober. And I dont think we should. I know I should probably just avoid being close to him when theres alcohol involved. I just dont know if I will be able to, because I just want to kiss him again, that is what I really want. Ive never felt this kind of connection, but I know there is no happy ending here. I just dont want to live with what ifs, but maybe in this situation its better than the heartache that might come with knowing what this is.

 

(I apologize for any mistakes,english is my 2nd language)

[bathtub-row]

Based on my past experience (and most people here), I'd tell you to swallow those feelings and stay away from him. This situation has nothing but heartache written all over it. He has a wife and a child. No matter how much you try to ignore that fact, it will not go away. Affairs are devastating to everyone and what initially seems like being drawn to your destiny ends up feeling like being drug through hades. Your call.

[pondhawk]

I know I should probably just avoid being close to him when theres alcohol involved.

 

No, you should not be close to him at all. He is married. You are single.

 

Do you really want to be such a lowly woman, that you have to get affection from another woman's man? Can you not get one on your own?

 

Do you see how this makes you? Do you want that to be a part of your character forever?

 

Even if you were that low and had sex with him, it's not going to turn into a fairy tale. It will end up in the destruction of a FAMILY. Because the truth always comes out in the end. The sex is never worth it.

[minimariah]

your english is really great.

 

i think you have two options -

1. ignore him, go strict no contact (really meaning - contact him ONLY when it's about school), avoid going out with them, occupy yourself with other hobbies or interests, start dating again... can you maybe shift school groups? you said you're all in a masters program, not sure how it's organized where you're from but in my country - you can change groups if you can come up with some valid reasons. is that an option? for how long are you "stuck" in school with him?

 

2. this is unpopular opinion BUT - you could meet with him & openly talk about the situation. tell him that, clearly, there is a connection there & that you want to know what can (or can't) be done about it. communicate openly about IF there is any kind of future for us and if there is and he is willing to try, give him some kind of timeline to sort his things out - separate or talk with the wife.

 

now, if that happens - there is still an issue of his wife & baby being in his life. that's a really small baby so i'm not sure how ready you are for that kind of commitment - this is looking far into future, but think about ALL options.

 

i'd honestly tell you to keep away. you could get really hurt if things don't end up good.

 

do you have any close friends you could talk to or seek support from?

[Lurkeraspect]

Ive known this guy N., for a year,he's 31 married and has a little kid who's 3. I'm 26 and single.We are in the same masters program and while we were not friends we were friendly with each other and talked randomly every now and then with the rest of the class.

 

A year into the program , a bunch of us went out to drink, and we got really ****ed up, (like 8 of us), acting like we were in college and just being stupid. Eventually we ended up kissing as a dare (I know how immature and stupid it sounds). And something happened, it was literally like someone had turned a switch on, and we couldnt break apart. We kissed two more times without prompting, and he kept whispering all this non sense, praising me on of how great, beautiful and smart he thought I was and how if he wasnt married hed be all over me etc.. We didnt do anything except kiss, hug and flirt all night. By the time I got home I was so wasted I passed out. The next day I was torn apart, because I felt so guilty for enjoying it so much and getting giddy and excited remembering it. And even though my brain kept telling me it was nothing and he was probably full of bull****, and it was all in the heat of the moment, I couldnt shake the excitement.

 

We were on break so I didnt see him for almost a month, and I thought it would just pass, that we would go on as if nothing had changed. And thats exactly what happened when we got back. Until we went out for drinks with the rest of the group, and as the night progressed he started getting flirty. At one moment we were left alone in the parking lot and I thought he would make a move but he didnt we were just silent for like 5 minutes straight.

 

We went out once again a few weeks after, and same thing happened, only this time he offered to walk me and wait with me for the uber to pick me up. The weird thing was that he was all flirty while we were with everyone else and as soon as it was just the two of us, he went silent again. I was too afraid to say anything or even look at him, out of fear of betraying myself and showing how into him I was. He said nothing and I got into the cab and left. And two minutes later I get a text saying he was glad I had come and that he had a good time.Drunk, stupid and horny I texted back , that maybe next time it could be better. And he replied that this wall all he could do for now. Even drunk I understood he was shutting me down (as he should). So I said it is what is is. And he just txtd a sad smiley. And that was that.

 

I didnt text him or treat him any differently when we saw each other at school. I actually started liking someone else, and talking to that guy in class. I was trying to find out if he was single. Anyways a month and half after, one of my friends (and the only other woman in the program) celebrated her birthday. So once again we went out for drinks and I invited the guy I was crushing on. Turns out he is not married but has a complicated situation, he broke up with his gf in the middle of the pregnancy, his baby is not even a month old, and I get the sense he might still be with her but was lying. Anyways I was turned off, so I blew him off for the rest of the night and decided to hang out with the rest of the crowd, N included. He was flirty as usual but way out in the open, and I was smitten. I figured it would be like always, he would flirt and nothing would happen.

 

Except this time they kicked us out of the bar, some people left and the rest of us were hanging out in the parking lot, trying to figure out riding arrangements since not everyone was fit to drive. At some point we were left alone and then he just started kissing me. We made out for like an hour out in the open, so it was all very pg-13. And in the in betweens he apologized to me for blowing me off, and he went on and on about how he had been trying to resist this but that he was done trying, because he couldnt stop thinking about me, and how into me he was. I apologized for wanting him, even though he was married, and I kept repeating how wrong this was but that I didnt care that I wanted to have sex with him(I feel awful even typing it). He said he wanted to try and see what this was, I didnt say no or yes but just kept kissing him. And he said it would happen somehow.Eventually each of us went home and nothing else happened.

 

After this last time,I know Im in dangerous territory. And that we have already crossed some lines, but I know that if we have sex, its a line there is no going back from, because I dont trust myself enough to be able to stop. We treat each other the same as always, with the exception that sometimes there's some awkwardness now , especially when no one else is around. I have avoided going out with them to get drinks for a month now. And I know that if I go into this I will only end up getting hurt. I like him so much, I cant help the way I feel whenever i think of him

 

We havent talked or adressed the issue while sober. And I dont think we should. I know I should probably just avoid being close to him when theres alcohol involved. I just dont know if I will be able to, because I just want to kiss him again, that is what I really want. Ive never felt this kind of connection, but I know there is no happy ending here. I just dont want to live with what ifs, but maybe in this situation its better than the heartache that might come with knowing what this is.

 

(I apologize for any mistakes,english is my 2nd language)

 

So wait. The single guy, who is in a complicated situation, is a big turn off. But this married guy (ya know, with a wife) who also happens to have a three year old, is just dandy, and you're all over that? You do realize how crazy that sounds, right?

 

My advice is to knock off the late night drunken get togethers. It's obvious (to me anyway) that the only time he's even remotely interested in you is when he's falling down drunk. That's not a compliment, btw. He's drunk, his inhibitions are down. Soon his pants will be down, and he'll sober up and realize what a huge mistake having drunken, adulterous sex was.

[GollumsNightmare]

These aren't romantic, "Prince Charming" moments. This is a MARRIED man, father of a THREE year old, groping you in a public parking lot of a bar after closing time when you are drunk. Now, see how that sounds? Is that what you want to be part of? Because to me, it sounds tacky and deceitful, not like a fairy tale.

 

I know, because I was YOU, all naive and giddy, when the 32 year old married man with a three year old started pursuing ME. If I had walked away instead of engaging, I would not have suffered guilt for the next 27 YEARS, even though the A lasted only a few months.

 

Be smarter than I was, for your sake.

Edited October 28, 2015 by GollumsNightmare

[Quiet Storm]

You can't control your feelings, but you can control your actions.

 

You have to be your own babysitter. If you can't trust yourself around him, avoid him. If you can't stop the feelings, starve them instead of feeding them with the "what ifs".

 

Even when MMs form a genuine connection to the OW, they rarely leave. They'll just want her to be the OW forever. They don't want to replace their wife. They just want to supplement their marriage.

 

You are conflicted because your body and heart are saying "I want him", while the smart part of you is ringing alarm bells, flashing lights and STOP signs. I know you feel attracted and connected, but that's not a sign you should explore this further. It's a sign that you need to check yourself before you wreck yourself.

[Blacklilyxx]

Im not that naive. I know where I stand. I know how wrong this is. And I know I deserve better. For the ones who have been on my shoes, you will probably understand why I seeked help. I didnt come here to get called lowly or a whore, because the worst way you can judge me, I already did it to myself. I'm not going to justify myself or explainI guess I just needed someone to listen(read me) to me, and a little bit of support. I don't think I can confide in anyone because I'm afraid that if I tell them, they will not see me in the same light. And judging by some of the answers here I'm right. I know what I have to do I just hope I'll have the strength and resolve. Thank you so much though, I appreciate every single response, even the ones that are not very nice. I know its hard to expect advice without judgement.

 

 

@minimariah: I wish switching was an option, but our program is small so the only time we see different people, is when they get behind or take classes ahead. But it will be the same group for the next year and half. And about the second option I dont think its worth it. I probably just need to stay away and kept it contact to a barely minimum

[Blacklilyxx]

You can't control your feelings, but you can control your actions.

 

You have to be your own babysitter. If you can't trust yourself around him, avoid him. If you can't stop the feelings, starve them instead of feeding them with the "what ifs".

 

Even when MMs form a genuine connection to the OW, they rarely leave. They'll just want her to be the OW forever. They don't want to replace their wife. They just want to supplement their marriage.

 

You are conflicted because your body and heart are saying "I want him", while the smart part of you is ringing alarm bells, flashing lights and STOP signs. I know you feel attracted and connected, but that's not a sign you should explore this further. It's a sign that you need to check yourself before you wreck yourself.

 

You've hit the nail on the head because thats exactly how I feel. But what you said at the end really resonated. I dont want to wreck myself...

[pondhawk]

I'm sorry if you were looking for comfort or approval. I was trying to point you in the right direction (before you become lowly)......because I thought you were "on the verge of doing something stupid"....

[Lurkeraspect]

There doesn't seem to be an issue when you're sober and in class together, right? Based on your OP, the problem is when everyone goes out and gets drunk. Why don't you just stop that. i don't think you're bad person, not at all, and really there isn't any damage done at this point. If you continue though, you're both going to cross a line that can't be uncrossed. Of course, you know that.

[Blacklilyxx]

I'm sorry if you were looking for comfort or approval. I was trying to point you in the right direction (before you become lowly)......because I thought you were "on the verge of doing something stupid"....

 

Just to explain myself I wasnt looking for approval, probably some comfort I wont lie, I've been a mess(of my own doing I know). Im not trying to figure out how I got here or why this is so wrong, but more as in to how to deal with my internal conflict. I congratulate you if you have such strong principles and you're the epitome of morality that you would never even find yourself in this situation. If that is the case, then you probably can't understand why people like me find ourselves in the lowly road, unless we are harlots coveting affection of married men....

Edited October 28, 2015 by Blacklilyxx

[Lurkeraspect]

Keep posting OP.

[Friskyone4u]

You say you are not naive and an adult. OK, I am sure everyone agrees with that.

 

But what kind of "support" are you looking for???? Encouragement to start sleeping with a married man, to participate in gthe destruction of a family, all for you giddy feelings??

 

How is that calling you any names???? That is your interpretation becaise I guess you are looking for some other mistresses to cheer you on and tell you how wonderful it will be.

 

Well, you are of age to do whatever you want to, and if you read these threads here, the overwhelming number of folks who do what you are about to DO NOT wind up living happily ever after, and are not in Fantasyland once they get caught, and the odds are you will get caught.

 

So if being someones side piece is something you need, then go rught ahead. But I think its a little childish to expect a cheering section from most of the folks here.

 

No one is calling you any names. You are so defensive because you know what you are doing is not the right thing. So either just control your hormones, stay away from this guy, or dive right in and live with the consequences, and there will be some, most of them not too pleasant

[Dancewithme]

Listen to your head, not your gonads. You know what to do. You know this is wrong. That's why you're posting here.

 

You are In a Master's program. An advanced degree. You are not a giddy undergraduate, drinking till you have no sense, and making out with inappropriate folks in public.

 

You are 26, an adult. Make adult decisions:

-stop drinking with this group

- if you must go out with them , do not drink until you lose your inhibitions

- be the first to leave

- do not be alone with this man

 

You do not want to be "that girl". There's one in every office, class, training group,etc. I've encountered "her" throughout my career in various settings.

You want to be taken seriously. This kind of behavior undermines your credibility.

 

Sexual attraction happens all the time, especially when there is proximity. It's just hormones. Just because you feel it, doesn't mean you have to act on it.

 

You are in control.

[Blacklilyxx]

As I said in my OP I was aware if I did it I would end up getting hurt. I was just being honest on how I felt and what I wanted to do, but bottom line is I dont want to wreck myself. Its not about him or his family (thats on him), but me and how I should be making mature decisions and being in control (Thanks Dancewithme). SO I AM STAYING AWAY.

 

I dont want cheerleaders, I didnt come here looking for encouragement. I just wanted to talk to someone about my situation. But like I said there's advice and then theres judgement. Calling me inmoral and evil is not advice... It's just being self righteous, to what point?? I honestly dont know but I also have no interest in finding out.

 

So again thank you for the scolding and good riddance

[bathtub-row]

I can totally relate to those crazy feelings and how hard they are to fight. My xMM seemed completely perfect for me in every way. He was my best friend and I thought he was the sexiest man alive. Finding that combination of friendship and passion is rare. But I genuinely thought he had intentions to leave his marriage. Not because of me but because of his actions. I was so completely wrong and that's why I would now tell anyone to never step into that situation.

 

Yes, there are a few happy endings out there for some OW, but it's still better in all cases to not get involved until the guy disentangles himself from his marriage because it's such a high risk situation. It's our actions and assumptions that can backfire on us so badly. Is the MM to blame, too? Of course. But, we as women, need to be much wiser about who we allow into our lives and hearts. That's the part we control.

 

Btw, I agree -- your English is excellent.

[OldRover]

As I said in my OP I was aware if I did it I would end up getting hurt. I was just being honest on how I felt and what I wanted to do, but bottom line is I dont want to wreck myself. Its not about him or his family (thats on him), but me and how I should be making mature decisions and being in control (Thanks Dancewithme). SO I AM STAYING AWAY.

 

I dont want cheerleaders, I didnt come here looking for encouragement. I just wanted to talk to someone about my situation. But like I said there's advice and then theres judgement. Calling me inmoral and evil is not advice... It's just being self righteous, to what point?? I honestly dont know but I also have no interest in finding out.

 

So again thank you for the scolding and good riddance

 

You'll find that when you post on any love forum, you'll get criticism, and you can get it on most any subject. It's unfortunate that a lot of posters don't think before they type, and often give worthless advise and do some name calling. I don't like this any more that anyone else does. And, there are a few forums out there way worse than what you find here.

 

You don't need to be told you're heading down the wrong path (you know that), you need to hear some reasons and solutions. Emotions are emotions, and it's easy to start to slip down a path that could lead to destruction.

 

Now with your situation (if you're still here) may or may not be appropriate. It the guy is clearly on the edge of divorce, it may be fine, but you'll find arguments to wait until he is, but that doesn't seem to be the case.

 

I strongly feel that the drinking and the setting is a major cause of putting you in this spot. I could argue to NEVER get drunk, and NEVER be alone with a married man that's hitting on you. Next time, don't invite him and limit your drinks. Have another drink when you get home, if you have to, but there's little upside in getting even close to drunk at a bar with friends. If you have to, leave early. OR come with a good girlfriend and one of you stay sober enough to drive home.

 

Don't give up, and keep us posted..... there are people that want to help, and folks that have been in this situation before.

[BreakOnThrough]

It's really ok OP, most people, at least ones with a soul, have been in your situation at one point or another. Just rationalize your feelings and you'll be fine, and more than likely, better off for the experience...

[Blacklilyxx]

Update.

 

I usually avoid being alone with MM on school. But it seems now that I'm set on avoiding him like the plague, he's popping up everywhere. Wednesdays we dont even have the same class, yet on break he found me and spent 5 minutes teasing me along with one of his friends (who Im actually good friends with) . And yesterday for some reason a lot of people were running late, but he was already inside. So I decided to leave my stuff and take my phone and step outside to the hallway. He followed me and stood right next to me and started asking me questions. He overheard or asked someone (because I certainly didn't tell him) about a trip I took last weekend for a bachelorette party. It didn't make me uncomfortable or nervous or anything, but I dont like having these reminders of how nice, and funny he is. How do you manage to draw a line without being rude or coming across as a bipolar bitch.

[m4p]

Update.

 

I usually avoid being alone with MM on school. But it seems now that I'm set on avoiding him like the plague, he's popping up everywhere. Wednesdays we dont even have the same class, yet on break he found me and spent 5 minutes teasing me along with one of his friends (who Im actually good friends with) . And yesterday for some reason a lot of people were running late, but he was already inside. So I decided to leave my stuff and take my phone and step outside to the hallway. He followed me and stood right next to me and started asking me questions. He overheard or asked someone (because I certainly didn't tell him) about a trip I took last weekend for a bachelorette party. It didn't make me uncomfortable or nervous or anything, but I dont like having these reminders of how nice, and funny he is. How do you manage to draw a line without being rude or coming across as a bipolar bitch.

 

I'm glad you're taking steps! It's always the first step that's the most important.

 

You don't have to be rude or bipolar.. You just have to rein in all sorts of sexual innuendos and make your conversations impersonal. If he says anything teasing or flirty, ignore it and continue being normal. Once you do it enough, any person with brains will get the hint and back off. Be standoff-ish if you need, you just need to give him signals that you are not interested. If he persists, then it's more than okay to tell him. Tell him outright that "sorry if I gave you the wrong idea if any, but it's better if we can just behave like friends and classmates. You're married and I don't want to create any misunderstandings".

 

Once you get out of this initial infactuation it really is much easier to see the other person for who they are- a married person with no boundaries. No amount of chenistry can compensate for their married status. There are easily much more cute and funny single men out there, don't waste your time on a potential heartbreak.

 

Good luck!

[Blacklilyxx]

Im sorry for the nagging..

 

We have a group on whatsapp, and he texted me (one on one) past midnight about a comment i had made in the group. It was harmless it had to do with pets and plants but somehow it made me uncomfortable thinking it was past midnight and he was probably in bed next to his wife texting me. I had to cut it short and tell him good night and yesterday he said something flirty about how good I looked. Now he's always smiling at me and finding ways to insert himself in conversation when I'm talking to someone else.It seems the more I ignore him and put distance the more comfortable he gets. I havent changed my mind about staying away but it seems to be encouraging him, or I dont know. ...

[Friskyone4u]

You are a SMART, obviously INTTELLIGENT ADULT woman, and also educated to boot.

 

You have been having men approach you since you hit puberty, and you know exactly how to get rid of them or any unwanted advances.

 

If you are in a club, I am sure at some point you have told some guy hovering around you to f-off and get lost. And I'll bet it worked just fine.

 

You have made the right decision but it seems this goofball seems to thimnk if he can get in your face constantly he can also get in your pants, which is his goal here.

 

So the next time he inserts himself into your conversation tell him to get lost and that you do not give a damm about how good he thinks you look, and how about blocking him on all your social media.

 

Maybe then he'll take the hint.

[ShatteredLady]

It sounds like he was feeling the guilt at the start of all this. Many MM have to let their imaginations & fantasies grow AND rewrite a bit of marital history to allow themselves to cheat. Now that he's made the choice his ego is probably telling him that you're playing hard to get....a bit of revenge for him running very hot & cold at the start.

 

I think you need to be a bit more direct with him or this could drag on for a very long time & your resolve could waver with alcohol. What do you think of....Next time he blatantly flirts say something like, "Oh knock that off. Nothing's happening with us...Is it? You're married. Save it for your wife." or "It's already gone further than I'm comfortable with because you are a husband & a father. Please lay off the flirting. It's getting uncomfortable."

 

Or you could write him but having something on computer, phone or on paper could open a whole can of worms if his wife finds it. You think you haven't crossed the line....I hope you never live to learn the pain his W would be demolished by if she knew all that's ALREADY happened between you.

[Blacklilyxx]

I feel so stupid and my resolve is on the verge of breaking. All the progress I thought I'd made seems to have been for nothing and has worked totally against me.

 

Because drawing the line seems to have pushed him over the edge.

 

We had an exam on Friday, and he finished before I did, because by the time I got to my car he was already there waiting for me. He basically said some bull**** about how he can't stay away and that he wants to know what this is, because he cant stop thinking about me (all seems to be along the same lines all cheating MM use). And logically I know he is despicable and a liar and all the negative stuff, but emotionally I'm a mess.

 

I'd like to say I was strong enough to resist him and not kiss him. I failed. And it was worse than all the other times because we were sober and at school. Eventually I pulled away and I was pathetic and said that this was the last time, and that it just couldnt keep happening because he was married and we would both regret it. And he kept saying I didn't know how he felt or what he thought and he couldnt say the same, because he was sure this was not the last time.

 

I left after that. Embarrassed, filled with guilt, and disgusted because a part of me was happy. Ive read and lurked in this forum since I posted, I know how stupid this is...Ive read how tearing and heartbreaking it can get. And I'm desperate because I feel like this is just a ticking bomb and a part of me seems to be willing to self destruct

 

And it scares me....