Should I stay or go?

[tula2015]

Hi all, I wonder can you help.

 

I have been with my partner for over 12 years, we are engaged and have a house together. However I cant stop feeling like it just isn’t working anymore.

 

I always feel alone and have to make most of the big decisions myself. I am anxious about our future together and often feel overwhelmed. We have been engaged for 7 years and have still not made any wedding plans. He doesn’t bring this up either but when I mention it to home he says “ Oh next year”. He is now putting pressure on me to have children but I just don’t feel like the time is right.

 

I have a lot of family issues and a sick mother and this is definelly a factor in our relationship. I feel a bit of resentment towards him as I wanted my mum to live with us but he would not entertain the idea and makes me feel really crap when I bring it up.

 

We hug each other but rarely kiss and I don’t enjoy being intimate with him, its just a chore. I often fantatasize about being with other men ( I never would) but I know this is not normal or fair to him.

 

We have already been for counselling sessions last year which helped a bit here I am in the same situation again- not knowing what to do.

 

If I am honest I have felt like this for many years and I am probably to blame. Even when we met first I was never that sure of the relationship and always had doubts if he was the one or if there was someone better out there for me. He probably has always sensed this and this makes me feel so selfish.

 

I wish I could just move on but there is something holding me there. I keep waiting to feel different each day but it doesn’t happen.

 

I know I probably sound like a nutter which I probably am, but we do have fun sometimes and also I think he would be a great dad as he is so great with his nieces and nephews. He is a good guy, lots of women would be happy but I just cant seem to feel content.

 

Im just at a loss as what to do next and am feeling really depressed about it. I just keep thinking of the quote from Eat Pray Love “The only thing more unthinkable than leaving was staying; the only thing more impossible than staying was leaving.”

 

Any feedback would be appreciated.

[Lurkeraspect]

This is not all your fault, please stop believing that. It sounds to me that this relationship has run its course, and it's time to move on. Whatever you do, do NOT have children with this man.

[OldRover]

You certainly don't need to give up.....yet.

 

First, have a serious talk with him to re establish your relationship. Read 5 Love Languages to him. You need to get some spice back in your life.

 

Then you really need to talk about wedding plans, if that's both of your goals. (Yes, you need to be on the same page on this). If he is not on that page you will have to decide if you can do without marriage. That's an option, but if kids are in the future, marriage makes a lot more sense.

 

DO NOT move your mom in with you. If she needs care, get her into a care facility and you'll have more time for quality visits with her, rather that she becoming a burden on the both of you. I've seen this tear people apart. As much as you love her, this rarely works.

 

If the above works, you've got a good start. Keep us posted.

[CarrieT]

It sounds like you both have already checked out of the relationship and are just communing because it is convenient.

[oldshirt]

While to you hold yourself in such low regard that you are settling for this arrangement?

 

 

Why do you feel that you can't do better and get what you actually want?

 

 

By remaining in this dysfunctional and unsatisfactory arrangement, you are keeping both of you from getting what you actually want out of a partner and out of life.

 

 

You do not need couples counseling or relationship counseling.

 

 

You need individual counseling to find out why you are willing to remain stuck in this situation and you need to find out how to move forward with your own wishes and your own well being so you can leave this situation behind you and move forward with your life.

[sandylee1]

If you have kids........there will be no marriage. He'll have everything he wants then.......with no commitment. If he wants kids, then he can marry you. 7 years being engaged is ridiculous in my opinion. When you live with a man and perform all the duties of a wife.....He's got it made.

 

If it's not working out as the relationship you want..consider couples counselling.

[dichotomy]

So whats the downside if you leave? Pretend and picture yourself a year or two after leaving him - what do you see? Whats the up or downside of this choice for you.

[OldRover]

If you have kids........there will be no marriage. He'll have everything he wants then.......with no commitment. If he wants kids, then he can marry you. 7 years being engaged is ridiculous in my opinion. When you live with a man and perform all the duties of a wife.....He's got it made.

 

If it's not working out as the relationship you want..consider couples counselling.

 

I'm not sure "he has it made".... or "He'll have everything he wants" has anything to do with this.

 

It's what THEY want. She has put up with this for years, and probably should have been addressed years ago, if there was an issue then. Now that is has become an issue doesn't mean that he's being unfair. We haven't heard from him.

 

Now, I hope we can support the OP to get her goals accomplished, and do it in harmony with her man.

[tula2015]

Hi All, thank you so much for your replies. They are helpful. Just to confirm, I have in fact already been for individual counselling but have not found it that beneficial. I am still at this undecided stage! But maybe this is all part of the process.

 

To be honest I cant really imagine being with someone else- I have been with him since I was young and not really with anyone else. We have broken up a couple of times but always seem to get back together.

 

Maybe I just need to grow a pair and make a decision but it is so much easier said than done! I am 32 now, and am scared that I wont find anyone else that's better than him.

Also, if I want to have children I don't have that much time left- I am kind of panicking now.

 

I think that I just need to sit down with him and talk through it all a bit more and see what happens. One thing is for sure I cannot stay in this limbo phase. Its really not fair on him or me.

 

I'm not sure what we would do if we did break up with our house and everything, we also have a cat, so many shared friends and history- its really tough. I need to think of the future though for both of us and what's best.

[oldshirt]

 

 

I think that I just need to sit down with him and talk through it all a bit more and see what happens.

 

 

I'm going to ask you a question (actually a series of questions that all ask the same thing) and I want you to think real hard about it and answer it.

 

How is "talk" going to change the person he is? How will "talk" change his character and life goals?

 

How will "talk" change your values and your life goals? How will "talk" make you love him and feel that he is "the one?"

 

How will "talk" change any of the fundamental issues with this arrangement?

[sandylee1]

Funny how he's putting pressure on you to have kids, but marriage isn't a priority for him.

 

There's no way he'll suddenly get the desire to marry you once you have kids. In fact it ties you to him and makes it harder to leave the relationship.

 

If you can't work out your differences now, it doesn't make any sense to bring a new life into the picture. Get your relationship in a good place before marriage and children. Perhaps seek couple's counselling before moving on to another level of commitment (marriage or kids).

 

I have my views on marriage ......and I'm going to freely express them here and ultimately, you (OP) need to decide whether to remain in a relationship where you're not getting what you want. 12 years is certainly long, but you have most of your life ahead of you. Don't let familiarity be the only reason you stay.

 

 

If he hasn't married you after 12 years, your chances of marriage with him are VERY SLIM.

 

I've never quite been able to establish why people are scared or against marriage. ....when you can divorce. ...but are okay with having kids that tie you together for life.

[dichotomy]

I understand the fear you wont find better - but I think you can.

 

The age and baby making is an issue, but not impossible. My guess is 2 years to date find a new decent man get married and have a baby. So 34 or 35. Kind of common these days to have babies then.

 

You own a home together - well that gets ticker and painful money wise.

 

Not saying what you should do or not do - just running though the points.

[OldRover]

I'm going to ask you a question (actually a series of questions that all ask the same thing) and I want you to think real hard about it and answer it.

 

How is "talk" going to change the person he is? How will "talk" change his character and life goals?

 

How will "talk" change your values and your life goals? How will "talk" make you love him and feel that he is "the one?"

 

How will "talk" change any of the fundamental issues with this arrangement?

 

OldShirt,

 

Yes, they need a talk, but a serious one that really answers some questions, and that may take more than one talk. They need to be on the same page and they are not.

 

However, 12 years together is a LONG time, and it they love each other, and are willing to put effort into it, it will work.

 

People change and get motivated for different reasons. No, often they don't change dramatically (but I've seen it). A good talk and some goals that they both agree on, may turn this around. We'll see.

[oldshirt]

 

 

We have been engaged for 7 years and have still not made any wedding plans. He doesn’t bring this up either but when I mention it to home he says “ Oh next year”.

 

Then you aren't engaged.

 

 

Engagement occurs when there is a commitment to marry and are working on the wedding/marriage plans.

 

 

You have no wedding/marriage plans and have been in this state of suspended animation for the better part of a decade. This is now the status quo.

 

 

You are not engaged. This man is not your fiancé. He is a dude you are shacking up with. You two are singles that just happen to have both of your names on the mailbox.

 

 

Absolutely do NOT even consider having children with this man. He is not committed to you nor you to him.

 

 

This is simply a prolonged dating situation that has morphed into cohabitation but there is still no future plans of marriage or raising a family together.

 

 

Dating is an interview and probationary period where you get to know someone to determine if they are 'the one' that you will marry and have a home and family with.

 

 

He has revealed himself that he is not that one. You are free to walk away in search of someone who is suitable for marriage and family.

[oldshirt]

OldShirt,

 

Yes, they need a talk, but a serious one that really answers some questions, and that may take more than one talk. They need to be on the same page and they are not.

 

However, 12 years together is a LONG time, and it they love each other, and are willing to put effort into it, it will work.

 

People change and get motivated for different reasons. No, often they don't change dramatically (but I've seen it). A good talk and some goals that they both agree on, may turn this around. We'll see.

 

 

If this were a married couple with minor children, then I would encourage open dialogue and collaboration and hope that they could agree on some mutual goals and work together towards resolution etc etc

 

 

However this is two single people who have different life goals and current life they have now is the status quo and the chances of a mutually beneficial change in the fundamental structure of the home and relationship is pretty much nil.

 

 

In order for this work temporarily, one will have to completely capitulate and give in to the other. And capitulation will never work long term.

 

 

IMHO this situation is irreconcilable. That is just one person on the internet's opinion of course, but I don't see why a single woman should have to settle for this in this day and age. We do not live in a culture of arranged marriages where entire families will be disgraced and disowned if one bows out. At no time and no place in human history have women had more opportunity to choose their mates than here and now.

 

 

Why should she have to settle for this or put any more time and effort into it. She's already burned up 12 years and this is where "talk" has gotten her. How is one more discussion going to help?

[OldRover]

If this were a married couple with minor children, then I would encourage open dialogue and collaboration and hope that they could agree on some mutual goals and work together towards resolution etc etc

 

 

However this is two single people who have different life goals and current life they have now is the status quo and the chances of a mutually beneficial change in the fundamental structure of the home and relationship is pretty much nil.

 

 

In order for this work temporarily, one will have to completely capitulate and give in to the other. And capitulation will never work long term.

 

 

IMHO this situation is irreconcilable. That is just one person on the internet's opinion of course, but I don't see why a single woman should have to settle for this in this day and age. We do not live in a culture of arranged marriages where entire families will be disgraced and disowned if one bows out. At no time and no place in human history have women had more opportunity to choose their mates than here and now.

 

 

Why should she have to settle for this or put any more time and effort into it. She's already burned up 12 years and this is where "talk" has gotten her. How is one more discussion going to help?

 

OldShirt,

 

You usually post great stuff, but we may disagree on this.

 

Seems like they ARE together (either one could have left, and they are both still there). So, there's something keeping them there.

 

Seems like they have stagnated a bit and the bit issue is marriage. Some guys just don't like the concept, and I can clearly see why. They need to talk and come to an agreement about this, perhaps first. They do NOT have to be married to have a successful relationship, unless this is a absolute requirement for one, and could be. This could be a deal killer, especially if kids are in the future.

 

Then they need something to spice up their life, and there's tons of good info on how to do that. Again, they need to talk about this and agree on some sort of direction on this.

 

Other than that, they seems ok.

 

Her quote "I know I probably sound like a nutter which I probably am, but we do have fun sometimes and also I think he would be a great dad as he is so great with his nieces and nephews. He is a good guy, lots of women would be happy but I just can't seem to feel content."

 

This says they have some solvable problems.... it needs talk and understanding.

[sandylee1]

 

If this were a married couple with minor children, then I would

encourage open dialogue and collaboration and hope that they

could agree on some mutual goals and work together towards

resolution etc etc

 

*************Totally agree with you ************

 

 

However this is two single people who have different life

goals....

 

********Absolutely.........They are not on the same page **********

 

 

In order for this work temporarily, one will have to completely

capitulate and give in to the other. And capitulation will never

work long term.

 

***********and it looks like the OP will be the one to give in, unless she stands up for herself and doesn't settle for less than she wants.********

 

 

Why should she have to settle for this or put any more time and effort into it. She's already burned up 12 years and this is where "talk" has gotten her. How is one more discussion going to help?

 

Why should she settle for lifetime cohabitation when SHE wants MORE. Be careful not to waste any more time. If there is no plan to get married, no date......then it's not an engagement.

 

Did he actually propose and get you a ring? Or have you just loosely spoken about marriage?

 

Now I must say that NOBODY should get married if they don't want to....but equally NOBODY should stay in a relationship where they want marriage and it's not forthcoming.

 

If you both aren't getting what you want from this relationship......What's the point in staying. Don't become the person that says it's okay..when it's really not.

 

As another poster said..you still have time to meet a guy who wants what you do and have kids. If he's serious you don't need to be in a 12 year courtship to decide 'he/she is the one'.

 

I met and married my husband within 2 years. He'd proposed after a year and we had a year to plan the wedding.

[Lois_Griffin]

It would be the first day of Winter in Hell before I ever had a kid with a man who didn't think I was worthy of marrying.

[OldRover]

It would be the first day of Winter in Hell before I ever had a kid with a man who didn't think I was worthy of marrying.

 

Lois,

 

Thats a very commendable attitude, but not necessary for some people. Some can have a very significant relationship that's stronger and better than traditional marriage.... and through agreements and commitments can carry some strong legal obligations with it, just like traditional marriage.

 

Some want marriage, without exception, and that's a choice. Seems like the OP wants that but has not stated that it was an absolute requirement.

 

A serious commitment is way more important than the governments paperwork for a marriage certificate. And, in todays world, divorce is not only easier, it's more common.

 

The OP just needs a commitment on where they stand, whether that includes a formal wedding or not.

[sandylee1]

It would be the first day of Winter in Hell before I ever had a kid with a man who didn't think I was worthy of marrying.

 

I couldn't agree with you more Lois. In fact I'd be very insulted at the mere suggestion of it.

 

I know that's not how everyone thinks and that's fine.....but the issue is where the two parties want something different. There are some women that are okay with having kids and not getting married......although if it was down to them, they would choose to marry.

 

In the cases I personally know.....The woman is just waiting for the man to propose. They keep living in hope instead of saying outright what they want or leaving......it's the fear of leaving that these guys rely on.

 

Never let fear keep you in a relationship.

[tula2015]

Hi All, thank you again for the feedback. Its really good to get other perspectives that I had not considered.

 

As mentioned we got engaged over 7 years ago (yes with a ring etc which he picked out) but that was after I had suggested it would be good to get engaged to move to the next level.

 

I actually did not intend to get married for another 5 years or so myself but we saw this as moving our relationship to next stage. I was never one of these girls who dreamed of my big day so to be honest it hasn't really bothered me until recently. When everyone around is is having kids and getting married and may have just met a year before!

 

I know if I decided yes lets get married in 2 months he would go along with it- but that's exactly it! I always feel alone in big decisions and he just goes along with them. He is putting pressure on to have babies but has never actually said- ok lets sit down and plan this- when would be a good time etc.

 

I think these relationship issues are 60% my problem at least and I just need to think about what I really want and just do it as things cannot remain in this state.

 

I don't want to be in a marriage in a few years with a child and totally miserable that is my biggest fear, so whatever I choose my heart needs to be in it 100%. For both of our sakes.

 

Some of these comments have been really useful- so thank you! I'm really glad I found this forum.

[loveboid]

If something were to happen to you and you needed his help and needed him to make big decisions, do you think he would be able to?

 

Have you seen him in situations where he steps up to help you or a family member when help is badly needed?

[OldRover]

Hi All, thank you again for the feedback. Its really good to get other perspectives that I had not considered.

 

As mentioned we got engaged over 7 years ago (yes with a ring etc which he picked out) but that was after I had suggested it would be good to get engaged to move to the next level.

 

I actually did not intend to get married for another 5 years or so myself but we saw this as moving our relationship to next stage. I was never one of these girls who dreamed of my big day so to be honest it hasn't really bothered me until recently. When everyone around is is having kids and getting married and may have just met a year before!

 

I know if I decided yes lets get married in 2 months he would go along with it- but that's exactly it! I always feel alone in big decisions and he just goes along with them. He is putting pressure on to have babies but has never actually said- ok lets sit down and plan this- when would be a good time etc.

 

I think these relationship issues are 60% my problem at least and I just need to think about what I really want and just do it as things cannot remain in this state.

 

I don't want to be in a marriage in a few years with a child and totally miserable that is my biggest fear, so whatever I choose my heart needs to be in it 100%. For both of our sakes.

 

Some of these comments have been really useful- so thank you! I'm really glad I found this forum.

 

Tula,

 

Thx for clearing this up a bit. Sounds like YOURE the one that isn't ready for marriage. You need that talk more than ever. And you need a talk with yourself and decide if if you want to be with this man. If you stay, you'll certainly want to improve your relationship, and bring back the love that you once had. You've indicated that you've changed, and either you change back for the better or improve situation for the better or both.

 

Try some of the many self help books out there. 5 Love Languages is a good one. You'll have to put some effort into it, but could very well bring back what you're missing.

 

Keep us posted.

[sandylee1]

Hi All, thank you again for the feedback. Its really good to get other perspectives that I had not considered.

 

As mentioned we got engaged over 7 years ago (yes with a ring etc which he picked out) but that was after I had suggested it would be good to get engaged to move to the next level.

 

I actually did not intend to get married for another 5 years or so myself but we saw this as moving our relationship to next stage. I was never one of these girls who dreamed of my big day so to be honest it hasn't really bothered me until recently. When everyone around is is having kids and getting married and may have just met a year before!

 

I know if I decided yes lets get married in 2 months he would go along with it- but that's exactly it! I always feel alone in big decisions and he just goes along with them. He is putting pressure on to have babies but has never actually said- ok lets sit down and plan this- when would be a good time etc.

 

I think these relationship issues are 60% my problem at least and I just need to think about what I really want and just do it as things cannot remain in this state.

 

I don't want to be in a marriage in a few years with a child and totally miserable that is my biggest fear, so whatever I choose my heart needs to be in it 100%. For both of our sakes.

 

Some of these comments have been really useful- so thank you! I'm really glad I found this forum.

 

The main thing is to get what you want out of the relationship. Remember that kids tie you together for a lifetime....so whatever you decide...think carefully.

 

Good luck

[Clarence_Boddicker]

Dump him & move on.