8 Months of Hell - Began with getting dumped by a great gal

[TwinkieDefense]

I never thought I would be back on this forum. I used to go under the username "Altplanb" and you can check out all the posts from my previous heartbreak back in college, depending on how deep you want to go down the rabbit hole.

 

This tragic tale of woe starts on the 1st of March 2015. Thats the day, she had had enough and I was yesterday's news. She kicked me out, moved to another building, and completely shut me out of her life. She had no remorse, no guilt, and no mixed feelings on it. Everyday that passed after she pulled the trigger, only reinforced her decision and she found what she called, "relief". For 3 years up until that day, I had been mooching off her as a manchild. She put up with it because she loved me and I took advantage of her goodwill. I didnt pay rent, didnt have a job, wasnt searching for a job, and would make lame excuses as to why I couldnt find work. It was sad. I didnt appreciate her or listen to her threats of breaking up with me at the 3 year mark. I was so wrong and so blind. So she kicked me out and I moved home, at the age of 30. Yes 30. A 30 year old man sleeping in his childhood bed. She got rid of my lazy ass and never looked back.

 

I stepped back out of the fog of depression and self imposed alienation from the work world and started applying myself to actually applying. I found a job within a month. It was a horrible reinforcer of how badly I had abused her trust. I had only made it worse by proving that all the hurt I was causing her during our 3 years together by not getting a job was not enough to actually get my ass to go and get one. It was only after the crisis of me losing her, that I got off my ass. This is the sign of a lack of respect and she moved on. She is 34 now and well free of me. I love her more now than I ever thought possible. This is the biggest mistake I have ever made and I try desperately to believe that I shouldnt blame myself, but I do. I did this and I am bearing the consequences. For the first 2 months after the breakup, I was a shell. I was so guilty for what I had done and so hard on myself for being such an idiot. Here was this awesome girl, pretty, inshape, smart, and in love with me. I took it for granted and let her build a resentment that turned into worse.

 

This is where things go even worse. About a month later, I found out my dad had terminal cancer. He died in May. He was a great guy and I had a great upbringing from him. I only regret is that unless I get back with my ex, he never met the girl I will marry. That is tragic.

 

I had to give up one of my 2 cats because we could not handle him. Then my dog died.

 

I rebounded with 2 women over 4 months. 1 got pregnant and I had to go through an abortion.

 

On top of all this, the job that I managed to get is extremely stressful, has a very high attrition rate, and does not care what happens in your personal life.

 

Everything wore me down to the point of numb. I couldnt feel anything. By the time my dog died, I just lumped it in with everything else as "oh ok **** something else now".

 

After the 2 rebounds finished up and I have been alone for the last month, the sheer magnitude of everything that happened to me started to settle in. I can't sleep. I sweet buckets in my bed for like 3 hours a night before waking up at like 3 am. I have this huge pit in my stomach and my chest/neck feels like it is being squeezed. I have been pining after her harder and harder, like it was the first week or something. About 2 months after the breakup, I guilted her into meeting at a reasturant so I could tell her how I had changed, give her a letter explaining my love and how I was different. She was nothing but moved on. Cold as Ice. She said some of the meanest things I have ever heard her say. That she never had butterflies in her stomach for me, that I wasn't the one, that the hurt was too deep, and that i was not her physical type. The lengthy letter I handed her explaining everything that I have mentioned, was never replied too.

 

Most of it was to drive me away so I could move on, because she already had. I tried, I really did. The last month has seen me re-find rock bottom though, and now I feel like I am back at square one. I was starting to obsess over her and then just today, I saw her. I was on the bus on my way to work and boom, there she was waiting at a stoplight, coming from the gym. She looked happy, and my heart skipped before exploding.

 

For almost a month, I have not been eating, sleeping, or seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. I want nothing but her back, for us to be together. I want her forgiveness so I can treat her right and be the man she deserves, but she does not want that, and its driving me insane. I have developed all the traits that I lacked when she left me and am working out again, working a career, and tackling any issue that comes my way. But the simple fact is that I miss her with all my being and I cringe that she gave me all the chances in the world to earn her love while we were together, and I failed her.

 

I love this women. I really do. I'm sure she is happy with whomever she is with now. I havent been able to move on though everyone tells me to do so. "This too shall pass" bull****. The pain is so strong that I am getting close to either killing myself or embarrassing myself again by trying to win her back. I have not had direct contact with her since the resturant incident because I have tried to follow the rules of NC since I was on here last time (about 10 years ago).

 

I am very depressed, alone, sad, guilty, and most of all heartbroken. I would do anything for this girl and it burns so badly that she knows this and does not care or think we should see each other.

 

The ruin inside me is eating me alive and I will not last much longer. My selfish need for her runs deep and this most unattractive quality will never spur her interest. I have no recourse, and am scared of what will happen next.

 

If you do not hear from me again, good luck to all the broken hearts out there. Appreciate what you have, for we are more fragile then we care to believe. Love is a gift, not a right.

[mystikmind2005]

I have been where you are when i was young. To give you an idea of the impact on me, i stayed single afterward for 7 years!!

 

I decided the old saying 'it is better to have loved and lost, than to never have loved at all' ..... ahhh, not so much, no.

 

I'm 43 now, wife moved out last January (not my idea), ,,, yea,,, so, if i could take back time knowing what would happen, of course i would not have have married her, i would not have dated her!! Sad but true.

[HurtinPDX]

I'm going to be honest. I dated a man who sounds like you. When he was with me he ruined any chance to change. In fact he got worse. But as soon as we'd break up, he acted all remorseful. Guess what happened when we got back together? Square one. I found it was his pattern. He was excellent at love in hindsight, in castigating himself for his faults, but in the moment? He couldn't love the one he was with. The difference is this woman is not going to give you another chance. That is her right.

 

There is a huge difference between love in a relationship and love in hindsight. If you cannot love the person you are with then you cannot pretend to yourself later you loved them ever. You are merely playing games with yourself, because love is an action. It is a verb. Think about how if you loved this woman truly you would want to honor her feelings. You'd want to honor her experiences.

 

I don't hear any empathy for the pain you put this woman through, or the pain you put the two rebound women through...including one who had an abortion. Your story seems all about you and your feelings. If you genuinely care about the suffering you are causing you would spend time examining examining why you treat the woman you are with at the moment so badly. Get some therapy, join groups, do whatever you need to do to find out why you behave badly towards the one you are with. Make amends to her in a genuine way, even if by leaving her alone and celebrating her happiness. Then you can approach your next relationship ready to offer love.

[Mcnulty]

You are on rock bottom, I can see that. I too am where you are, believe me, you're not alone.

 

Baby steps are all we can do. Start by doing the things you can control. Eat, exercise, talk to anyone, someone, post on here, I'll listen best i can and help.

 

My thoughts and strength are with you.

[perol]

I hear your pain and I'm sorry, you sound really bad off but I have to agree with the poster above when she says it's all about you and your feelings, you want what you want and you cannot accept and respect her wishes to no longer be with you.

 

If you could, you'd be much better off in the long run and you'd find yourself in a better place. Relationships and love are all about doing for the other person not yourself. You're remorseful because you screwed up and you lost her, not because you leeched off her all those years-if she hadn't dumped you, you'd still be doing the exact same thing, and the truth is, those patterns are hard to break, if it was easy, you wouldn't have stayed in that same position for the 3 years you were together.

 

So be glad she gave you the push she needed to get yourself up and out, and learn to be less selfish going forward. She's not the only woman out there who you can be compatible with, take her off that pedestal and get more realistic about the world and the people in it.

[TwinkieDefense]

I hear what you are saying and yes, she is gone. I have accepted that. As for empathy, I truly put her through so much and can't believe I did that. I was so blinded by a self-depreciating attitude towards trying to get my life going that it caused her to lose her love for me. This assumes she did indeed love me. While we were together, I was standoffish about expressing deep love. I'm sure she was picking up on it. Whether this is a sign that I didnt love her, or that I was afraid to show vulnerability, I do not know.

 

I must deal in the now though. I need to start eating again and getting sleep. Otherwise I will lose my job and be in an even worse place. I'm exhausted though. I can't sleep but look like i could fall asleep at any moment throughout the day. It's torture and everyone around me at work has noticed.

 

If I survive this, I will not play games with the heart again. I will tell the next woman that I get serious with that I love her, am in-love with her, and that I will commit to being an equal partner in the relationship.

 

The current loneliness and depression is so painful that I feel like 50/50 at this point. I literally don't know how much more of this I can take. I am emotionally exhausted and am tired of all the pain. I went and saw a therapist yesterday after posting and antidepressants are on the table. I dont know

 

Lara, I miss you. I'm sorry. So sorry. You deserve someone that makes you happy. I thought it would be me, but I have proven that I am not that person. If I survive this ordeal, I will learn from the mistake I made and treat the next person's heart with respect, as my actions will reflect my own vulnerability. If only you knew how much I was going through right now. But you can never know, for every minute that I spend pining after you, is another minute of embarrassed disgust from a person that has moved on. You have made it clear that you will never look back to me. Your ability to move on and not look back is impressive.

 

The adreniline pumping through my veins is killing me . It keeps me from food, sleep, or seeing anything but a goal I cannot attain. It is sheer pain.

 

When you are alone, the last thing your mind wants to do is move on. It just wants to feel loved, liked, and desired. Instead, it has to look inward and address its own ugliness. I am doing that right now.

 

To that effect, let me address my problems so they are fully expressed and known.

 

I'm a 6'5" ex rower with a bad back and erectile dysfunction that can express itself at that most embarrassing times. I also have a bad hip now as well.

 

I have self esteem issues, where-in I fear rejection from women I actually find attractive so badly, that I let moments pass by.

 

I have feared failure to the point of ruin. I have so many character flaws to name actually in this post as I am falling asleep but need to get ready for work. Maybe the bus will crash or I can hop off it and then off the bridge. anything to end this feeling. Anything to make it all go away.

[LoveIsMyReligion]

I would write down what you have learned from all of this, perhaps a journal? Sounds feminine but you don't have to tell anyone about it... I'm a manly man and even I find that it helps me.

 

I too was in a pretty bad stage of my life when I had my first big break-up.

Only later did I realize that I was using some girls for my own benefit only to toss them aside later when I was done; I didn't stop to think of the pain/damage I was inflicting on them, the only thing that mattered was how I was feeling. But that was merely a speck on my radar because the only thing I was focused on was being dumped by the "love of my life".

 

I never realized how much crap I put other girls through until I took the spotlight off of myself and examined my life from an outside perspective. It's easy to play the victim but the world doesn't revolve around you. You too have hurt others.

 

I feel for you, I really do. I know things will get better and the only direction for you right now is up. However I highly highly encourage you to look at the big picture here and work on improving yourself and also putting other peoples needs/feelings ahead of yours when you can.

 

Take a step back, breathe, and think about how tiny this issue is in comparison to what else is going on in the world, galaxy, universe. Your problem is only as big as you make it out to be in your head. Don't play the victim here because that is just the easy way out.

[health]

Twinkie - you not working full time = you not ready for that relationship.

 

You mooched off her for 3 years? Not right at all.

 

Take this as a sign to get your life together first. No external source will make you happy. Also your self worth has to improve. Take this all as a chance for progression in life. Good luck.

[Glass Hut]

The way you talk about your rebounds makes it seem like you are blind to other women. There are nice girls out there you have to work on them and see them as having potential.