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Independent woman looking to change her ways


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Hello!

 

I'm a mid-thirties woman who has never been in a relationship or dated anyone. At this point I know it's me, and after much observation it turns out my behavior is killing things off more than my appearance. (I'm no beauty, and I'm fat.)

 

I'm very independent and proactive, very energetic and impulsive and gung-ho, and I've found that this turns men cold. They lose interest, feel overwhelmed, and fade away. I'm okay with changing this behavior, but I wonder:

 

-how do I show interest so that men continue making moves?

-how long do I have to be passive before I can begin to incorporate my natural inclination toward activity?

 

Oddly, with all my assertiveness I'm not really feisty or sexy--I come offf like the woman described in this thread: really sweet and good. I've been told I have an honest face (though, that could be an assessment based on my rather plain appearance). Might being 'nice' be more of a deal breaker than being too assertive?

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Just let men be men. Don't ever make them look bad or "cut their balls off" in conversations. Show them respect. But stay light and calm and busy, laser-focused on your own business (and not on them). You don't have to change your own personality - just the way you treat them.

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Just let men be men. Don't ever make them look bad or "cut their balls off" in conversations. Show them respect. But stay light and calm and busy, laser-focused on your own business (and not on them). You don't have to change your own personality - just the way you treat them.

 

Hm, thank you! I don't think I cut men's balls off in conversation, though I'll be particularly mindful of that moving forward, just in case. What I mean by independent is that I'm usually the first one to act, the initiator, the planner, etc. The one who texts or suggests when to call...that sort of thing.

 

And casey.lives, you are 100% correct! I am independent because I've been own in key ways, for a very long time. Boo. :)

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What I mean by independent is that I'm usually the first one to act, the initiator, the planner, etc. The one who texts or suggests when to call...that sort of thing.

 

 

You're not letting men take the lead. You're assuming their role which is one reason why they lose interest quickly. Instead you have to let them make the plans.

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Hm, thank you! I don't think I cut men's balls off in conversation, though I'll be particularly mindful of that moving forward, just in case. What I mean by independent is that I'm usually the first one to act, the initiator, the planner, etc. The one who texts or suggests when to call...that sort of thing.

 

And casey.lives, you are 100% correct! I am independent because I've been own in key ways, for a very long time. Boo. :)

 

I don't think letting men take the lead is exactly it but maybe allowing things to progress naturally, you shouldn't be the one doing all the work. Let things flow.

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This is not an easy one to answer...I think there could be many factors but as someone said the right person will accept you and love you for the person that you are.

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LookAtThisPOst
Hello!

 

I'm a mid-thirties woman who has never been in a relationship or dated anyone. At this point I know it's me, and after much observation it turns out my behavior is killing things off more than my appearance. (I'm no beauty, and I'm fat.)

 

I'm very independent and proactive, very energetic and impulsive and gung-ho, and I've found that this turns men cold. They lose interest, feel overwhelmed, and fade away. I'm okay with changing this behavior, but I wonder:

 

-how do I show interest so that men continue making moves?

-how long do I have to be passive before I can begin to incorporate my natural inclination toward activity?

 

Oddly, with all my assertiveness I'm not really feisty or sexy--I come offf like the woman described in this thread: really sweet and good. I've been told I have an honest face (though, that could be an assessment based on my rather plain appearance). Might being 'nice' be more of a deal breaker than being too assertive?

 

I met a woman kind of like this. She travels a lot for work, she has a kid, so I'm wondering how that is impacting her child since she's gone all week...but is home on the weekends to spend time with him (which allows a difficult time for her to date.)

 

Anyhow, she said with most of the men she's been with, they were turned off by this behavior. Men like women that are "softer" and less rigid and it appears the rigidness of a independent, career woman had been turning them off. I think one guy said to her that he noticed no real..."warmness" in her...as if she was automaton of the working world. (That's not the word HE used, but more what I am trying to paint a picture of what he was describing).

 

Kind of Vulcan-like...she seemed to come off as lacking warmness and femininity in her. She did start dating a guy, but he's just as busy as she is, so I suppose it works.

 

NOT saying she is an emotionless person,, but just kind of comes off as such in her mannerisms. I guess "pragmatic" is another term that would describe her.

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