zeldathegreat Posted October 29, 2015 Share Posted October 29, 2015 I am divorced single mom. About a year ago, one of my college friends popped in on us from Florida to visit. He mentioned an ex of mine during his visit. An ex that I had left in the past for someone else (yet it was a very very hot relationship). My friend went on to say "he is asking about you and wants to see you". I asked my friend if my ex was married and he said that he was married. I told my friend its best not to see him then. My friend responded with a scowl and said "Oh jeez, why are you so old school --he just wants to be friends." A couple of weeks later, I got an email from the ex asking if we could meet for lunch. I didn't respond to his first email. However, he was pretty persistent and was able to finally get a lunch meeting out of me today ( a year and a half later). Before anyone gets bent out of shape.... nothing happened today. We had a two hour lunch and talked about the good ole times (we did not talk about our relationship) He mentioned only a short sentence about his wife...he said that he would have left if it wasn't for his kid. But I pretended to ignore what he said and changed the subject. There was only one comment on my appearance, he said I hadn't changed for twenty years and that I looked amazing. At the end of the date, he hugged me and he said "well now you have my number and I have yours" but didn't finish the sentence. I was left wondering what this was all about, the persistence, the lunch.....Why this after twenty years out of the blue. I mean wouldn't it have been easier to go on without seeing each other for another twenty? Is it possible that he really wants a friendship? Or am I being naive? Who cares right? But the why is tugging at me!!! bothering me? And I am not sure why its bothering me. I am trying to get help to define this and I don't know why. Its just there in my head and I cant get it out. Link to post Share on other sites
OldRover Posted October 29, 2015 Share Posted October 29, 2015 Sure would feel that caution would be advised. I would wonder why he would e so persistent to see you after all this time, just to say hi. Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted October 29, 2015 Share Posted October 29, 2015 I get this from guys from my past too, and they are all married. They are just bored in their marriage and looking for some excitement. 7 Link to post Share on other sites
anika99 Posted October 29, 2015 Share Posted October 29, 2015 If he really just wants an innocent platonic friendship with you then he should be happy to introduce you to his wife and child. He shouldn't be keeping you a secret from his wife. If he's not willing to be open and honest with everyone, especially his spouse, about his friendship with you then it's inappropriate. The fact that the only thing he said about his wife is that he'd like to leave her indicates he is fishing. Don't take his bait, he isn't worth it. 8 Link to post Share on other sites
Author zeldathegreat Posted October 29, 2015 Author Share Posted October 29, 2015 The problem I am having in my head with this is that I know him. He isn't a bad person. I know him as a honest upstanding guy. I wouldn't have dated him otherwise Link to post Share on other sites
Author zeldathegreat Posted October 29, 2015 Author Share Posted October 29, 2015 (edited) Yeah I wondered whether my friend is trying to be his wing man too but I certainly cant ask. I was finally able to process in my head what happened to me mentally in one day yesterday. So here goes. I have been all alone for 7 years and this guy was not just an old fling. We were pretty serious back 20 years ago. When I saw him the chemistry was still there-- full on. In fact the whole meeting was like we had not taken a twenty year hiatus from each other. But of course he left me wondering what this was all about. It didn't really occur to me that he wanted free sex mostly because this guy can have that anywhere anytime he wants with almost any girl. He is pretty attractive and charming and free sex should not be hard. I wondered more whether things did not go so good for him in his marriage and that this is why he sought me out because of our history. So I came here, because this is dangerous. Yeah very dangerous and my gut tells me he didn't just want to say hi after 20 years. I have not dated married men in my life. I don't intend to start now. But the history of this particular relationship makes this a tough one to get away from. It took me all night to process this to get this result. But that is what happened in the space of a two hour lunch in my head. It just took me time to process it out. You see this guy was the one that got away for me. You all may have one of them in your life. Sure I was the one who ended it, but there have been thoughts back "what if" and I suppose he probably has had them too. This is the most dangerous form of MM you could run across. Edited October 29, 2015 by zeldathegreat Link to post Share on other sites
privategal Posted October 29, 2015 Share Posted October 29, 2015 In this lunch, he said nothing about sex and didn't seem to be flirting so maybe he was curious to see how youve aged, how life has treated you... He has your number and didnt start blowing up your phone...maybe its no hidden agenda but rather satisfying his curiosity to how life had treated an old flame who was once very special to him. He likely DID just want to be friends. I think too many assumptions here but if he DOES begin calling...you know what to do. You went to lunch...thats it. Mive on no big story here. Link to post Share on other sites
Cloudcuckoo Posted October 29, 2015 Share Posted October 29, 2015 What a dilemma.... As has been mentioned, he is either fishing to see if you'll take the bait (the comment about his wife is a little unsettling), or he simply wanted to see how you had fared. The perception of his intentions, to you obviously involves residual interest as a result of your relationship with him, and has perhaps reawakened long dormant feeling as you say he was, for you, 'the one who got away'. Perhaps this might be where you will need to be fully aware of your own feelings in order to manage them. You have a young child, so imagine if his wife's shoe were on your foot...at home with the little one while your husband makes overtures to another woman, albeit claimed innocent, and I'm sure you'll agree that it leaves a rather unpleasant taste in the mouth doesnt it? Whether his intentions were honourable and innocent or not (and frankly, enlisting the aid of a 'friend' makes the whole thing a little dubious), I would suggest that you stay alert to any contact he might make with you (I've the feeling he will) and act according to your own principles and boundaries. Nobody knows you like you! If you feel that the situation is getting more precarious, as has been mentioned by someone else here, suggest that you develop the friendship with the complete involvement and total interaction of his wife and the little one. Lots of luck! Cuckoo Link to post Share on other sites
whatatangledweb Posted October 29, 2015 Share Posted October 29, 2015 I believe he is wanting to relive his youth. He has most likely built your relationship back then into a fairytale love affair in order to escape the reality and issues he is having now. The reality for you is he is married. If he wants something from you now, tell him to call you once he has divorced. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
wanderingxsoulz Posted October 29, 2015 Share Posted October 29, 2015 The problem I am having in my head with this is that I know him. He isn't a bad person. I know him as a honest upstanding guy. I wouldn't have dated him otherwise Most MMs who cheat/have cheated are "upstanding" and Mr Perfect to the outside world. Maybe they are not bad people... otherwise we wouldn't have fallen for them. But cheats are cheats. Time to run for the hills. Your post suggests that you are already affected by his actions. It's only going to get worse and soon you will find yourself saying, "Never expected this to happen", "Can't help how you feel", etc etc etc... 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author zeldathegreat Posted October 29, 2015 Author Share Posted October 29, 2015 Its really easy here Cristos. I knew you were from a foreign country when you said that you had to promise stuff to get women to agree. No knock on American women but there are those that are all sorts over here. Link to post Share on other sites
Author zeldathegreat Posted October 31, 2015 Author Share Posted October 31, 2015 He called again..... I didnt answer and ignored it. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
MsHopeful0208201689 Posted October 31, 2015 Share Posted October 31, 2015 He called again..... I didnt answer and ignored it. Good for you! Now please move on & find someone available! Best of luck!! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author zeldathegreat Posted October 31, 2015 Author Share Posted October 31, 2015 Ms. Hopeful If you had read the post, you would have seen that for me (unlike any of you here) there was nothing to move on from. SINCE NOTHING HAPPENED. So I hope that many of you would stop being holier than though. From most of what I have read its the worst place someone can come at this point if they have an issue with a MM. I came on here for support not for bashing. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Cloudcuckoo Posted October 31, 2015 Share Posted October 31, 2015 Ms. Hopeful If you had read the post, you would have seen that for me (unlike any of you here) there was nothing to move on from. SINCE NOTHING HAPPENED. So I hope that many of you would stop being holier than though. From most of what I have read its the worst place someone can come at this point if they have an issue with a MM. I came on here for support not for bashing. Zelda, it can be quite difficult I know. Most here have dreadful wounds, whichever side of the fence they are, and it can be painful to watch someone going down a treacherous path they know only leads to the most excruciating pain. I understand your reluctance to engage when you are met with fierce criticism, but perhaps those who appear to be mean are the most injured. However, that doesn't justify bad manners and rudeness. You've done the right thing and not engaged this man, and believe me when I say you will see clearly in a short time that you were right to stay away from him. I mean, look how he treats his own wife! Keep calm and carry on lovely, you're doing alright thus far! Cuckoo 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author zeldathegreat Posted October 31, 2015 Author Share Posted October 31, 2015 CloudCookoo --- You Actually seemed like the only one that had any understanding of the temptation I was going through. I came here because I needed to be reminded of how bad things could be. Because sometimes when someone is attracted to us, we take flight. Just so everybody gets who they were spitting at all week. I have been alone for 7 years with a small child struggling. I have been alone because I refuse to get involved with the wrong guy again. There have been plenty of offers from the wrong guy in the last seven years. That has been hard, very hard. Its hard to turn down. I get it that most people were hurt here but guess what, my past is full of train wrecks too. That is why I came here, to remind myself of that. But many of the comments were extremely uncharitable and quite personal. For example there was Cristos's comments who said that my ex would have slept with a younger woman if he could. What a nasty comment from someone who said he was actively looking for women to get, and calling himself a good man. Insanely funny. Thanks but No thanks. From here on out I will just confide in my friends even if it means telling them I had a weak moment for a MM. I am sure I won't get comments from them about my age or to move off of something I never even started. Very funny I would be told that from someone who did cheat (I read her posts later). And Yeah Cristos he choose me at the age of 40 over the tons of 25 year old floozy's that he could have random one night stands with here in America without any commitment. And you know what he did it because I look damn good. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Lovemesomehim Posted November 1, 2015 Share Posted November 1, 2015 Yeah I wondered whether my friend is trying to be his wing man too but I certainly cant ask. I was finally able to process in my head what happened to me mentally in one day yesterday. So here goes. I have been all alone for 7 years and this guy was not just an old fling. We were pretty serious back 20 years ago. When I saw him the chemistry was still there-- full on. In fact the whole meeting was like we had not taken a twenty year hiatus from each other. But of course he left me wondering what this was all about. It didn't really occur to me that he wanted free sex mostly because this guy can have that anywhere anytime he wants with almost any girl. He is pretty attractive and charming and free sex should not be hard. I wondered more whether things did not go so good for him in his marriage and that this is why he sought me out because of our history. So I came here, because this is dangerous. Yeah very dangerous and my gut tells me he didn't just want to say hi after 20 years. I have not dated married men in my life. I don't intend to start now. But the history of this particular relationship makes this a tough one to get away from. It took me all night to process this to get this result. But that is what happened in the space of a two hour lunch in my head. It just took me time to process it out. You see this guy was the one that got away for me. You all may have one of them in your life. Sure I was the one who ended it, but there have been thoughts back "what if" and I suppose he probably has had them too. This is the most dangerous form of MM you could run across. This man wants an affair with someone who will not turn and tell his wife when he decides to end it or play the push pull game with. He wants someone he can trust to keep his secret, someone from his past in which there's no need in him trying to figure out your feelings for him. He may be the man who got away from you 20 years ago but remember that man is no more. The man you are trying to figure out is a married man with a family, who wants to cheat his family out of happiness. If he's the man of your dreams right now, he will also turn out to be your worse nightmare. If he can betray his wife, what makes you special. Run.... 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted November 2, 2015 Share Posted November 2, 2015 Every MM wants a woman who is going to love him despite the fact that he's doing dirt. And that's exactly what OW and BW's who stay do. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
OldRover Posted November 2, 2015 Share Posted November 2, 2015 Every MM wants a woman who is going to love him despite the fact that he's doing dirt. And that's exactly what OW and BW's who stay do. Popsicle, I'm sure you don't mean EVERY married man, do you? Link to post Share on other sites
Lois_Griffin Posted November 2, 2015 Share Posted November 2, 2015 I am divorced single mom. About a year ago, one of my college friends popped in on us from Florida to visit. He mentioned an ex of mine during his visit. An ex that I had left in the past for someone else (yet it was a very very hot relationship). My friend went on to say "he is asking about you and wants to see you". I asked my friend if my ex was married and he said that he was married. I told my friend its best not to see him then. My friend responded with a scowl and said "Oh jeez, why are you so old school --he just wants to be friends." A couple of weeks later, I got an email from the ex asking if we could meet for lunch. I didn't respond to his first email. However, he was pretty persistent and was able to finally get a lunch meeting out of me today ( a year and a half later). Before anyone gets bent out of shape.... nothing happened today. We had a two hour lunch and talked about the good ole times (we did not talk about our relationship) He mentioned only a short sentence about his wife...he said that he would have left if it wasn't for his kid. But I pretended to ignore what he said and changed the subject. There was only one comment on my appearance, he said I hadn't changed for twenty years and that I looked amazing. At the end of the date, he hugged me and he said "well now you have my number and I have yours" but didn't finish the sentence. I was left wondering what this was all about, the persistence, the lunch.....Why this after twenty years out of the blue. I mean wouldn't it have been easier to go on without seeing each other for another twenty? Is it possible that he really wants a friendship? Or am I being naive? Who cares right? But the why is tugging at me!!! bothering me? And I am not sure why its bothering me. I am trying to get help to define this and I don't know why. Its just there in my head and I cant get it out. Sigh. Number of MARRIED male friends/ long-ago ex's who have reached out to me in the last couple of years who: A) wanted to compliment me just for the hell of it: 2 B) wanted to reminisce about the past and remarked about how I used to 'rock his world': 1 C) sent me their phone number and asked for mine, claiming it's been 'way too long since we spoke last': 2 D) blatantly asked me if I'd like to get together: 1 He's just acting like most of them do when they've got an itch and they're looking for someone to provide a little excitement for them. I didn't see ANY of the above as flattering because I knew what they were fishing for. You shouldn't find it flattering, either. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted November 3, 2015 Share Posted November 3, 2015 Popsicle, I'm sure you don't mean EVERY married man, do you? Of course not, just the ones who have affairs or are looking to have an affair. Link to post Share on other sites
Mount Posted November 3, 2015 Share Posted November 3, 2015 Lol lol... every mm wants a woman who is going to love him despite the fact that he's doing dirt. And that's exactly what ow and bw's who stay do. Link to post Share on other sites
Marc878 Posted November 3, 2015 Share Posted November 3, 2015 He's fishing. He's also married with a kid. You're young, obviously attractive and can do better. Don't waste your time 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Captivating Posted November 3, 2015 Share Posted November 3, 2015 Hi, I think your ex currently not happy in his marriage, reflected on his life and realized that he still has feelings for you. You raised the bar among all women he ever been with. You are the woman who got away, just like you said. You left him a long time ago and he probably never stopped loving you. He is reaching out to you now, swallowed his pride and let's you do the next step, if you are interested. He doesn't want to seem desperate, this is why he is not hanging on the phone. Guys don't come back after 20 years just to be "friends". COME ON ! I wish you guys could be together again ! The only obstacle is his marriage. Please keep us posted what happened 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author zeldathegreat Posted November 3, 2015 Author Share Posted November 3, 2015 (edited) Unlike most of you holier than though's such as popsicle... the only married man I was with was my husband when we were married. And as for Lois's claim that I shouldn't be flattered because she has this happen to her all the time -- is ridiculous. I never had that many boyfriends as you did Lois and believe me the ones I had were mostly not bad choices (like those you are conversing with). What has happened is that I did not return the phone call. Edited November 3, 2015 by zeldathegreat Link to post Share on other sites
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