johnnyl321 Posted May 24, 2005 Share Posted May 24, 2005 Do you feel that people should take time off between relationships? For example, I was married for 10 years when my ex-wife and I separated and divorced. I went on two dates, had zero sex and about 9 months later, met the woman who I would fall in love with. We've now been living together for 2 and a half years. On the other hand, she was married longer and had an affair. She said it was because her hubby would ignore her and she was tired of the domesticated life. The affair went on for a few months and then she came clean to her husband. They tried to work things out for a while, but to no avail. Since the end of her marriage, she's had one boyfriend after another. She always seems down. I've asked her time and time again what I can do to make her happy. Nothing, she says. "It's not you, it's me" seems to be her favorite reply. I know she misses her kids, because they don't visit as often as they should. I just wonder if I should let her go because it's really starting to weigh me down. I'm happy go lucky. I don't have bad days, I have bad moments. But, I"m really getting sick of her going up to 2 weeks without talking to me, without touching me. She never initiates any contact, intimate or otherwise. I'm confused and I really don't know where to turn. She never answers my questions when I ask what's bothering her. In fact a few times she's said " maybe I should let you go so you can find someone who will treat you better". That's a helluva thing to say to someone who loves you more than anything. A little help here will go a long way. thanks Link to post Share on other sites
Merin Posted May 24, 2005 Share Posted May 24, 2005 How long was she divorced before she met you? Although it is such a lame answer to say It isn't You, it's Me.. I say take her at her word on that. Sounds like your GF has a lot of unresolved issues and insecurities and she may use Men as a way to validate herself... that she "needs" a Guy around to make her feel good about herself... she may also be one of those people that loves the rush of a new relationship and once that feeling is gone and things settle in so to speak... she becomes bored and starts looking for attention to again validate her and make her feel okay about herself... When she says there is nothing you can do, she's right. She needs to get a handle on things and do something about her self esteem issues... Wish you the Best Link to post Share on other sites
MWC_LifeBeginsAt40 Posted May 24, 2005 Share Posted May 24, 2005 She sounds exactly like me. And Merin is right. I don't know if I could be happy without a man in my life. I'm seeing someone else casually, and trying to line up other dates at the same time. If she is like me, and in her mid to late 30's, she should ask her doctor about medication for anxiety/depression. I take a mild dose (75 mg) and it has helped my PMS symptoms go from 40 days per month to two days per month. Because I'm fairly fresh out of my marriage (4 months) and a few weeks out of my rebound relationship, I am taking my time, and not letting myself get into anything serious. Also, if it takes YOU doing all the initiating, then DO IT! This is the reason I am not with my husband. We both expected the other to initiate intimacy, and I always felt it was his turn. He just thought I didn't want it. Link to post Share on other sites
blind_otter Posted May 24, 2005 Share Posted May 24, 2005 IT's important, but there's no like set length of time it takes to get over your past relationships - it's about how you feel and the work you do. She may very well be codependent, which would mean she needs to address her own issues. But the motivation HAS to come from her.... Link to post Share on other sites
EnigmaXOXO Posted May 24, 2005 Share Posted May 24, 2005 I don't think the "time off" thing is the issue in your particular situation. It may have more to do with not "paying attention" to the obvious signs right from the beginning. Clue Number One: …she was married longer and had an affair. She said it was because her hubby would ignore her and she was tired of the domesticated life. Interpretation: I bore easily and I'm not too fond of consistency and routine. I'm not real good at communicating either and would prefer to deal with my issues indirectly than confront them head-on. Clue Number Two: Since the end of her marriage, she's had one boyfriend after another. Interpretation: Again, I bore easily and I'm not too fond of consistency and routine. Clue Number Three: I've asked her time and time again what I can do to make her happy. Nothing, she says. "It's not you, it's me" seems to be her favorite reply. Interpretation: It's not you it's me. Once more, I bore easily and I'm not too fond of consistency and routine. I'm also not real good at communicating my feelings. There's nothing you can do to keep me happy. I can't even figure out how to keep ME happy. This relationship is two years old now and the newness has just worn off. (insert "yawn" here) Sorry buddy, but it sounds like its time for history to repeat itself … Link to post Share on other sites
mental_traveller Posted May 24, 2005 Share Posted May 24, 2005 IMO yes. Being single with no commitments is underrated. It's good to get your head out of the mixer from time to time, you can recalibrate your thoughts and get a fresh perspective on life. Link to post Share on other sites
MWC_LifeBeginsAt40 Posted May 24, 2005 Share Posted May 24, 2005 It's not you it's me. Once more, I bore easily and I'm not too fond of consistency and routine. I'm also not real good at communicating my feelings. There's nothing you can do to keep me happy. I can't even figure out how to keep ME happy. This relationship is two years old now and the newness has just worn off. (insert "yawn" here) … I can't even figure out how to keep ME happy - that's what I've been telling the guys I've been dating (on and offline) for the last few months! Link to post Share on other sites
EnigmaXOXO Posted May 24, 2005 Share Posted May 24, 2005 I can't even figure out how to keep ME happy - that's what I've been telling the guys I've been dating (on and offline) for the last few months! Well hun, at least you're honest! Link to post Share on other sites
blind_otter Posted May 25, 2005 Share Posted May 25, 2005 Originally posted by MWC_LifeBeginsAt40 I can't even figure out how to keep ME happy - that's what I've been telling the guys I've been dating (on and offline) for the last few months! MWC - this is really important. If you can't figure out how to make yourself happy, how can you expect someone else to? I struggled with this after my bad breakup last year. I dated but was constantly discontent and pushed people away. I can't say when the tables turned but once they did I was able to be content in a new relationship.... Link to post Share on other sites
MWC_LifeBeginsAt40 Posted May 25, 2005 Share Posted May 25, 2005 Originally posted by blind_otter MWC - this is really important. If you can't figure out how to make yourself happy, how can you expect someone else to? I struggled with this after my bad breakup last year. I dated but was constantly discontent and pushed people away. I can't say when the tables turned but once they did I was able to be content in a new relationship.... Yes, I know, which is why I'm not getting into a serious relationship until I "find myself". Keepin things casual! My course is done May 31, so I'll have more time to try and do things to make myself happy including spending time with the kids doing things outdoors and decorating my house! Having dinner parties, a few dates (casual, of course), and letting the guys come to me, instead of me pursuing them, oh, and NOT getting pissed when the guys aren't giving me attention. I'm on my way! Party hearty, gonna be 40 in a few months!! Link to post Share on other sites
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