Crush on a newlywed man...and it's mutual

[smittenedkitten]

So... I don't know where to start off. Be forewarned, I tend to write a lot...

 

I've been working at my job for a little under 3 years. For about 2 years now, I have been single (by my own choice). I decided to be single because my last relationship was toxic and messed me up emotionally (though I have regained my confidence over time since I ended it) as well as I wanted to focus on myself and my career.

 

About 2 months ago, my now co-worker/crush transferred to my job. At first, I did not even know about him, didn't know who he was, only heard his name. When I finally did meet him, I twas instantly attracted to him. His looks, his Spanish accent, everything. There was an instant connection. I was kind of taken aback. For that entire duration of the last 2 years being single, I had no desire to date anyone, or was even really that attracted to anyone I had come across, so for me to feel the way I did was a bit unusual (but exciting).

 

After being introduced, I couldn't help but perk up whenever he was around. We would talk and laugh, and not long after, we were making flirty remarks back and forth. However, it was not until a few weeks in of talking to him that I noticed he had a wedding ring on (not sure how I missed it). I commented that of course he was married, because all the men I like end up being taken or gay.

 

Even though I knew he was married, it didn't and couldn't (and has yet to) stop my attraction. I came to find out he had only been married for 6 months so far; not that it truly matters but in comparison to someone being married over 10 years, I'd say it's a little different. Every time I am at work, we find ways to see eachother. He comes to my department and talks to me, flirting and complimenting me. I go to his department, and the same happens there. I speak Spanish too so we speak flirtatious things in Spanish to eachother. He will smile and make cute faces from across the building when I'm helping someone, I'll see him out of the corner of my eye. When we are working together on something, we are always physically very close, and he always looks me up and down and smiles. We only talk at work, we do not text, call, or have eachothers social media accounts.

 

Over the course of the past few weeks, I asked him several times if he wanted me to stop flirting or talking to him, because I didn't want to make him uncomfortable. He said no, he didn't want me to stop, and he asked me if I wanted him to stop doing the same. I said no (probably selfish of me), that I didn't want him to, that I enjoyed our interactions, however hard they may be for me knowing I can't have him.

 

The things he says are not just general compliments, sometimes it's deeper. He will say things such as how our kids would be adorable, asks what kind of wife would I be, etc. I answer truthfully, but candidly. Each time I tell him only in my dreams would any of it be possible, because he is married and facts are facts. This usually incites a sad look from him, followed by a mutual feeling of "if only".

 

Throughout our interactions, I have felt a sense of regret coming from him, in the sense that he regrets getting married because he can't act on anything with me because of it (rightfully so). I definitely do not want to pursue anything while he is married, I would never act on anything. I know flirting is wrong but it is SO HARD to not flirt with him.

 

I would think it was just flirting but from things he has said, I know it's more than just words. I was out of town for a week, and he said he was going to really miss me. When I got back he said he genuinely missed me and was so happy I was back. He has made the comment several times "I hate you...I met you too late in life", and I always tell him "I hate you too...I can't have you".

 

His wife is gorgeous, is the same nationality as him, has a better job and education than me, etc. I really don't stack up to her on paper. From what I have gathered from sources, she is really crazy about him (well duh) but is also very possessive and jealous, "whipped" as they say. (None of this is really relevant I suppose)...

 

One of our coworkers was talking to me about the situation. He told me I needed to leave him alone because he was happy in his marriage, etc. I told him, without details, that what is going on isn't just on me, and that I've asked him before about leaving him alone and he chose to continue. However, the coworker who wants me to leave him alone also really likes me and has asked me out a few times, so I don't know where his head is at. When I confronted my crush/coworker about it, he said he must be jealous, and that's why he didn't want us talking.

 

I am not going to pursue it beyond what it is already. I know it is wrong that I'm even flirting but I feel a connection that makes it hard to stop; it's like when you think you've met your soul mate or something...can't really put it into words. I genuinely believe if we had met sooner/before he met his now wife, we would be together. I can see the regret in his face and through what he says. I personally don't want to be married, this is a reason why, because I feel like people settle down with someone and they may not even be the right person for them...the amount of people I know divorced is out of control.

 

Ultimately, I'm leaving it to fate. If it happens that things do not work out between them, and he does still want to pursue something with me at some point, that'd be great. But if he is truly happy and they continue on, I will be happy for him too.

 

I know that people say "If he would cheat on her to get you, he will cheat on you to get someone else". Nothing physical has happened, and I wouldn't allow it, nor do I think he would do it. At the same time, I'm a very flirtatious person and I flirt with people even when I'm taken. Not necessarily to this extreme, but I am a flirt. Call that what you will, at least I am honest. I just say that to say that I can't fault him for being a flirt while married because I flirt while I'm taken too. Acting on it is a whole other ball game. As well as texting/calling/using social media to continue the talking.

 

I'm not sure why I'm here, I guess I just need some input outside of the few people I have talked to about it. Am I crazy for thinking we have some kind of connection akin to soul mates? I could just be infatuated, who knows. Doesn't seem that way though.

 

I'm prepared for the negative comments and pick aparts...but constructive feedback and consideration for the circumstances would be nice to take in when responding. I'm not an evil person I swear! Thanks

[Gloria25]

This guy isn't leaving his wife for you or anyone...he enjoys the attention he gets from you and think about it, having a "flirt" on the job makes his job more interesting and fun.

 

Stop making time for him and go to work and do your work...

[Artie Lang]

you already know it's wrong and are still engaging in an inappropriate relationship with him.

 

what is it that you want people to advise you in... how to keep this up and end up knee deep in an affair, or how to extricate yourself from this situation?

[smittenedkitten]

I want to know what I should do, obviously. It seems like most responses on here are "Don't ever pursue it, ever ever ever" but I don't think that applies to every situation. If he was married for several years and had kids with her, that'd change things because there are more variables. He is newly married and it's not uncommon to have regrets and reconsider your decisions. He could just as easily decide his marriage isn't for him, he didn't think it all the way through, and end it. Not necessarily for me, but at any point, any time. So if that happens, am I not supposed to hope we could have something at some point? I'm not trying to break them up, but if that happens just because, I'm not going to act like I'm not excited for the opportunity to be with him.

[Artie Lang]

this is exactly what i'm getting at. do you want encouragement to embark in an affair or do you want to get out of this situation?

 

seems to me like you enjoy the attention he's giving you and are game to get into an affair with him- how exciting for you. wrong is wrong, no matter how you paint it. seems to me you're "all in" to be the OW. knock yourself out, then.

 

you're an adult... you shouldn't need someone to tell you this is a BAD idea.

 

not trying to be crass, just realistic.

Edited October 29, 2015 by Artie Lang

[ChancesAre24]

I want to know what I should do, obviously. It seems like most responses on here are "Don't ever pursue it, ever ever ever" but I don't think that applies to every situation. If he was married for several years and had kids with her, that'd change things because there are more variables. He is newly married and it's not uncommon to have regrets and reconsider your decisions. He could just as easily decide his marriage isn't for him, he didn't think it all the way through, and end it. Not necessarily for me, but at any point, any time. So if that happens, am I not supposed to hope we could have something at some point? I'm not trying to break them up, but if that happens just because, I'm not going to act like I'm not excited for the opportunity to be with him.

 

Im sorry to say but it actually DOES apply to every situation and I hope you listen to that and don't start trying to justify it. For you own sake honestly. Him being married a short time just means they are in the honeymoon phase and is probably hot and heavy with her and flirting with you because some men are like this. They just want both but when it comes down to it you won't be the one he chooses. At that point you will either be devastated or second fiddle for years and THEN devastated. The hope that they break up in you is a key sign for a bad road ahead for you.

Sorry..wish I could just lie to you and tell you that you will be the one in a million for him but been there done that have the hurt.

[waterwoman]

Perhaps there is a reason she is jealous and possessive. Perhaps this isn't his first fling.

[sandylee1]

I want to know what I should do, obviously. It seems like most responses on here are "Don't ever pursue it, ever ever ever" but I don't think that applies to every situation. If he was married for several years and had kids with her, that'd change things because there are more variables. He is newly married and it's not uncommon to have regrets and reconsider your decisions. He could just as easily decide his marriage isn't for him, he didn't think it all the way through, and end it. Not necessarily for me, but at any point, any time. So if that happens, am I not supposed to hope we could have something at some point? I'm not trying to break them up, but if that happens just because, I'm not going to act like I'm not excited for the opportunity to be with him.

 

So because he's newlywed you think it's okay then?

 

How would you feel if your newlywed husband was acting this way?

 

You know...there always is someone better than the partner you have....but when you get married...you commit to your spouse and stop looking. ..and you keep appropriate boundaries.

 

Of course he didn't want you to stop flirting with him...He's enjoying it....it's giving him an ego boost.

 

Many years ago I worked with a guy who was engaged.....there was an intense attraction between us......eventually one night we (as a group) were out for the evening and he took me to one side and said he really liked me.......and if we'd met before he was engaged...

He would wanted a relationship with me.....but he was committed to his fiancée and he loved her. He hugged me really tight after saying it.

 

I had so much respect for him saying that....I knew he was genuinely nice.

 

If you two don't stop the flirting it will go further...you need to stop it no matter how great it feels.

[privategal]

Seems like your self esteem is still damaged as your talking about his wife being prettier with better job and your asking him time and time again if he wants you to stop.

These are signs of insecurity.

You are looking for validation.

In the meantime your risking his marriage, your flirting and your already envisioned him leaving his wife to pursue?

I think your in for a rude awakening.

And your coworkers caught on?

You left a dysfunctional relationship to focus on your career?

Focus on your career. This is ridiculous.

[Sub]

I'm assuming he's Latin. If so, sounds like he fits the stereotype. Being married to a Latin woman who goes through similar experiences at work and having some of my best friends being of the same background, let me tell you: it's all just words. One of my best married friends flirts constantly at work, says very similar things as this guy. To various women. I mean, you know him for two months. How the heck does he know if he met you too late in life?

[stillafool]

I decided to be single because my last relationship was toxic and messed me up emotionally (though I have regained my confidence over time since I ended it) as well as I wanted to focus on myself and my career.

 

So your last relationship was toxic and messed you up emotionally and now you want another toxic, emotionally draining relationship with a married man. You didn't learn from your last relationship did you? This man is not going to leave his wife for you or anybody else. Every day when he comes to work you confirm to him that he is desirable and sexy and he takes that home to his wife. He has a full life with someone else outside of work that you know nothing about. He wouldn't have asked this woman to marry him if he didn't love her. He definitely sounds like a man who doesn't have any problems attracting women but he asked her to marry him. You need to get over yourself thinking you can break up newlyweds. If he was married 10 years with kids maybe you'd have a chance at sex with him because he may be bored by then, but with a shiny new young bride at home - it ain't happening.

[Gloria25]

At least the guy in sandelee1's situation had some decency. He leveled with her in acknowledging an attraction, where he stood with his fiance, and did the mature and respectful thing and end it with sandelee1.

 

Unlike some guys who could care less about continuing to flirt with you for their selfish ego even though they know it's giving you false hopes and their plans to never leave their fiance/wife ain't changing.

 

BTW, this has nothing to do with Hispanic. I had a Caucasian guy that we "mutually" and unintentionally became attracted to once. We almost hooked up when he was engaged, and like you, I thought he wasn't gonna go through with the wedding. Then after the wedding, like you, I thought since he was still trying to get my attention and the marriage wasn't even at the 3 month mark (cuz hello, newlyweds are supposed to be all into each other) that he still was looking for an exit plan and no harm cuz it's only been a few months, and if he really was happy with her why have a wandering eye and barely newlyweds.

 

Well, fast forward they are having children and he still hasn't left and I tried to have the "talk" sandelee1 had with that guy and this mfer didn't even have the balls to speak to me....he did a "ghost", "fade".

 

So, now I have confirmation that I was nothing but an ego boost for him, he didn't give a hoot how what he did messed with my heart/head. And like you, I wasted a year of my life a wish'n, a hopin', and a prayn' he'd come my way.

 

So, it my story doesn't motivate you to tell this jackarse to go find someone else to f-with, then I don't know what will. And no, your situation is not different from mine.

 

Oh, and lastly, this won't even turn into a real affair...so flirt all you want, you are just his "On the Job Entertainment/OTJE".

Edited October 29, 2015 by Gloria25

[BlueIris]

You say that you want to focus on yourself and career.

So I’d ask myself:

~ Why even consider getting involved in something so high-drama and emotionally dangerous- and possibly damaging to your own career and reputation?

~ Why is this attractive to me?

~ Does some part of me want to sabotage my own peace and success?

[Artie Lang]

i don't think she likes the responses she's getting... hence the vanishing apparent act.

[ladydesigner]

smittenedkitten you have gotten yourself into a pickle. This man JUST GOT MARRIED and is already looking to have an A. What kind of person do you think he is?

 

It sounds like you are romanticizing this situation.

 

If you know it's wrong and you know he is M'd why put yourself in this position.

 

Fate is a fairytale.

[Gloria25]

smittenedkitten you have gotten yourself into a pickle. This man JUST GOT MARRIED and is already looking to have an A. What kind of person do you think he is?

 

It sounds like you are romanticizing this situation.

 

If you know it's wrong and you know he is M'd why put yourself in this position.

 

Fate is a fairytale.

 

Exactly, even if this guy doesn't want an affair with you and it's flirting - what kind of "newlywed" does this. If he did it to her, more than likely he'll do it to you if in this Disney/Pixar fairytale he actually leaves her and ends up with you. Why? Cuz either he's a "moth" and will never be satisfied with ANY woman,he'll always be looking for female attention to massage his ego...Or, he's a fibberdy gibbet who just today wants one woman, and tomorrow someone else.

[burnt]

I'm prepared for the negative comments and pick aparts...but constructive feedback and consideration for the circumstances would be nice to take in when responding. I'm not an evil person I swear! Thanks

 

What you're going through is not easy; you know it; I hear it in your voice; you are battling with your own conflicting emotions to begin with and you know you'll be judged by many others and yourself. And for that I'm sorry.

 

Look ahead into some months/years…When (not IF) he's done with you, there will be the painful rejection that you will have to deal with; how will you cope? If you ask/google 'how to heal from a heartbreak…' the first suggestion you will get is 'cut off all contacts because seeing him will continue to cause pain'. Because this guy is from work, you won't have the option of not seeing him; you will be reliving the memories every day at work. The 2nd suggestion is 'stay busy with work/friends to help you get him out of your head'. Again, you won't have that option because he's at your work place. Your own work place will feel like a torture chamber.

 

The longer you ALLOW him to talk, the more sweet nothings he will shower you with. When it's done, the most painful thing to delete from your mind will be his words and the way he smiles at you now. If you haven't, do read some testimonials/stories by 'other women' on the web and you will see what he's saying and how he's going about flirting is identical to how most affairs start.

[minimariah]

may i ask how old are the two of you?

[smittenedkitten]

i don't think she likes the responses she's getting... hence the vanishing apparent act.

 

Actually, I did have to go to sleep and now I'm at work (and no he isn't here).

 

I am leaving it to fate, if things change for his situation in the future, maybe he'll consider me, maybe not. It's not the end of the world either way.

 

I'm not as evil as a lot of you all are painting me. I'm not taking this any further and I'm going to reel back the flirting. It's his decision to make. As long as everyone ends up happy, whatever that may be, is all that matters.

[Gloria25]

Actually, I did have to go to sleep and now I'm at work (and no he isn't here).

 

I am leaving it to fate, if things change for his situation in the future, maybe he'll consider me, maybe not. It's not the end of the world either way.

 

I'm not as evil as a lot of you all are painting me. I'm not taking this any further and I'm going to reel back the flirting. It's his decision to make. As long as everyone ends up happy, whatever that may be, is all that matters.

 

No one is saying you're evil...quite frankly, I think HE'S a jerk-off.

 

I'm glad you are gonna scale back the flirting, but I still am concerned that you are leaving the door open (see what I highlighted in bold ^^).

 

I'm asking you to not leave that door open. To realize that he never intended to come your way. I'm sorry, this hurts and trust me, I just went through this hurt about a month ago to the point where I seriously considered suicide and/or moving so far away to get away from him and her. I spent one year a wishn', hopin' and a pray'n he'd pick me. And, you know what sucked even more? He didn't even have the concern for me and/or my feelings to simply come and speak to me about this. He did a ghost/fade. I don't want you to ever feel this, but I rather you feel it now than another day, week, month, and/or year later from today.

 

Realize he never wanted you and that it has NOTHING to do with you and your worth. He would have done this to ANY woman who showed him attention. He is not and will not be trying get with you now and/or in the future.

 

Also, if he dare come to you and start flirting? Politely (cuz you're co-workers, otherwise I would have instructed you to give him a VERY erect middle finger) excuse yourself and go back to work. If he asks why, just tell him you'd like to concentrate on your work and leave it at that...after a couple of cold shoulders, he'll move on to someone else who flatters him.

 

Because, trust me, while you're leaving it up to him I can guarantee you that he will not stop flirting with you. It's gonna take "you" to call it quits.

[Lobouspo]

Actually, I did have to go to sleep and now I'm at work (and no he isn't here).

 

I am leaving it to fate, if things change for his situation in the future, maybe he'll consider me, maybe not. It's not the end of the world either way.

 

I'm not as evil as a lot of you all are painting me. I'm not taking this any further and I'm going to reel back the flirting. It's his decision to make. As long as everyone ends up happy, whatever that may be, is all that matters.

Lol, are you serious? Do you really care about anyone's happiness other than your own? I say you two deserve each other.

[MissBee]

The soulmates connection thing is one of the biggest cliches, sorry.

 

Check with OW who ended up hurt or where he never left and see how many of them felt they had a soulmate connection...you'll find MANY in the graveyard of OW. Not all "connections" are good...many toxic relationships start by a feeling of off the charts, never before felt, soulmate sparks and then end in disaster.

 

A red flag for me was your mention of your toxic former relationship and even here I find that lots of OW before the A had some toxic relationship prior that makes the MM seem like a God send in comparison, but in the end, often times it's just a new kind of toxic. An unavailable man who gives you attention but is otherwise not willing to put you first...and you play with the fantasy and then dive head first into another relationship that will leave you confused, anxious and hurt.

 

This man sounds a bit sleazy to be honest. Newly married and flirting it up with you and talking about your future babies...I get it, it's flattering, but flattery and genuine compliments aren't the same. Flattery by definition is excessive and insincere praise and A LOT of MM do this, talking about future cute kids and a bunch of insincere stuff that will never happen but they know will have that woman sitting at her desk thinking about it, smiling to herself and planning on how they will have a chance when he leaves his wife.

 

It's not that these things can never pan out, but every woman isn't amenable to this and I think there was something about you that told this guy you would be instead of thinking ewww...go away dude! I don't think you should bank on things not working out and you getting him. I think you should focus on his character and what kind of person does that and why you'd want them and I'd just focus on my work and not get caught up in this with him. Date others, don't get preoccupied. You're not in too deep yet, so I'd really advise you to put your energy elsewhere and not eat up his flattery.

Edited October 29, 2015 by MissBee

[BlueIris]

Oh no, no one is saying you’re evil! You're just playing with fire and I think you're afraid because you know you're doing something dangerous. Not evil. Afraid, at some level.

 

You can say, “no,” and block anything from happening.

 

You have complete control over yourself and your life, just as he does.

 

I don't know why anyone plays with fire. I'm a wuss. I hate being burned, by myself or anyone.

[sandylee1]

Actually, I did have to go to sleep and now I'm at work (and no he isn't here).

 

I am leaving it to fate, if things change for his situation in the future, maybe he'll consider me, maybe not. It's not the end of the world either way.

 

I'm not as evil as a lot of you all are painting me. I'm not taking this any further and I'm going to reel back the flirting. It's his decision to make. As long as everyone ends up happy, whatever that may be, is all that matters.

 

I don't think you're evil at all. Like I said I had a somewhat similar situation. I was in my early twenties at the time (I'm mid 40s now) and it was a predominantly male environment....but I was also well aware how some of the girls spoke about others who had flings with the single guys, never mind the married ones.

 

I didn't want to be spoken about like that. My coworkers would say......"It's really obvious he likes you, he's a nice guy, but be careful , he has a GF"

 

Im glad it stopped.........before anyone got hurt...and I would have been the one who got hurt. He wasn't about to finish with her....in fact, he invited me to his wedding!

 

Don't wait for him....just block those thought out and see him as off limits.

Edited October 29, 2015 by sandylee1
eta

[Dancewithme]

Agreeing with you, sandylee. Op,like I told someone else on this forum, please don't be "that girl". This is your livelihood you're messing with this kind of behavior. You want to be taken seriously, not be perceived as the "office bike" ( everyone gets to ride)