Damned if I Do; Damned if I Don't

[EmasculatedHubby]

Okay, here's a little backstory to make my subject make sense...

 

In 2010, my wife and I were both successful in our careers with plans for moving forward. Along comes a traumatic life changing event for us both. In a nutshell, we lost just about everything we had and I lost my job. Recovery from that has not been easy. She is bitter because since all this has taken place, she has been the major bread winner in the home as I have had trouble finding work that would but me back to a commensurate annual salary.

 

FFwd to now... My wife is so bitter when it comes to me. She has a complaint about everything I do and do not do... literally every breath I take is a sin. She calls me mean, @sshole, and almost every other derogatory/demeaning name you can think of. The look on her face when I enter the room says DISGUST.

 

Now don't get me wrong, I can be these things... occupational hazard. But I do not get up in the morning with the intention of being a dick. It is ALWAYS after something mean, hateful or insensitive she says about me. That just flips a switch.

 

I asked her a while back, during a major disagreement, if she sees any good in me. Her prompt reply was NO. We argue almost every day. And neither one of us can stand to be around each other for more than a few minutes as "I am always aggravating her" or "she always has something to say about me".

 

No, we don't talk to each other about things. Why? Because she always finds a way to turn it back on me. Hell, we don't even talk about other people's problems because she will find a way to insert something in the convo about something I've done and then there it goes again.

 

She belittles me so much to the point where I have no self worth anymore. I feel like an outcast... an outsider when she and her son (21) are in the house together.

 

I think I am going crazy or something. Sometimes she makes me feel like a child trying to please his mother.

 

Sex? Well that doesn't exist anymore. She withholds because I went a while without wanting to with her. Its hard to want to be intimate with a person that despises you. I have been turned off to sex with her and with anyone else for that matter. She always gets the notion that I may cheat on her. ROTFLMAO! The very notion of another relationship SICKENS me. So no worries there.

 

There is no joy in my life anymore. PERIOD.

[salparadise]

I think I am going crazy or something. Sometimes she makes me feel like a child trying to please his mother.

 

Sex? Well that doesn't exist anymore. She withholds because I went a while without wanting to with her. Its hard to want to be intimate with a person that despises you.

 

My guess it that it's time for you to kick her ass to the curb. I am all for salvaging a marriages/relationships if possible, but there comes a point when you're better off just unloading all that baggage and walking away. When she becomes blatantly disrespectful in word and deed, it's time in my opinion. This kind of disrespect erodes your self-respect and confidence. It will diminish and damage you psychologically. You could try counseling if you're both willing to give it a sincere effort, but based on what you've said here I suspect it's water under the bridge at this point.

 

I absolutely do think you should get into individual counseling/therapy asap. You've already been diminished by the abuse whether you realize it or not. Yes, I said the word abuse––emotional abuse. My opinion is that you should not put up with this even one more day.

[Els]

If your wife cannot acknowledge that what she is doing is wrong and try to change, then I agree that you should leave and not look back. But if she acknowledges that there is a problem and is willing to work with you to save your relationship (and you are also willing to stay and try), then it might be worth a shot at couples counseling and trying to resolve the issues via better communication.

 

That being said, while I think she is without a doubt wrong to have leveled such verbal abuse at you... it's fairly understandable that she would become bitter. There are very few women who would be happy with being the sole breadwinner for several years, and the few that are happy to do so typically have relationships where the husband/partner takes care of everything that needs to be done in the house, so she doesn't feel resentful about having to play the part of both provider and homemaker. If you did do that, then please disregard, but if you didn't and she's willing to try and change, doing this could improve your relationship by leaps and bounds.

[MightyPen]

OP,

 

You don't deserve that sort of treatment. But really, me telling you that doesn't make any difference. YOU need to believe it. It is flat out wrong for a spouse to verbally abuse the other, and that's what she's doing to you.

 

I won't tell you to "man up," because that crap is a double standard. We'd never tell an abused woman to "woman up." But what we should tell the abused spouse, regardless of gender, is that you have worth as a human being, and if your spouse, who is supposed to be your best friend and supporter, is treating you so poorly, you owe it to yourself to end the relationship.

 

Hell, you could have told us that you banged a bus full of hookers back in 2010 and I'd still say that if your wife was calling you horrible names fives year later, that you should kick her *ass to the curb.

[Popsicle]

Two questions:

 

1. Why do you think she stays married to you?

 

2. Why do you stay married to her?

[jen1447]

2. Why do you stay married to her?

 

Yes - what's the point? (With this marriage specifically, not marriage in general.)

[Mr. Lucky]

She is bitter because since all this has taken place, she has been the major bread winner in the home as I have had trouble finding work that would but me back to a commensurate annual salary.

 

Certainly not condoning her verbal and emotional abuse.

 

But why not get two less "commensurate" jobs if thats what it takes to support your family? I'd be pissed also if my spouse spent 5 years reading the want ads if that's the case...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Bufo]

The sad truth I learned from years of law practice is that some spouses aren't happy unless they are making the other spouse unhappy. Unless you are

some combination of Bin Laden. Hitler and Atilla the Hun you just haven't done enough things wrong to support her constant criticism of you. Rather she enjoys torturing you

 

You've read about the 180, haven't you? It's time to apply it in your marriage.

Use these words: I'm sorry you feel that way and if I still believed there was hope for us I'd agree to try to work on that issue. But since you've often told me there is nothing good about me, I think it best for us to live our own lives"

 

Don't feed the flames of her scorn and abuse by reacting defensively. She's a bully (just like you dealt with in 4th Grade) and such reaction only encourages more abuse.

 

I can't tell someone they need to get divorced. But please consider what a

Poster on another site says in his tag line: you know it's time for divorce when the pain of staying together exceeds the pain of a split family"

 

You sound like someone who has absorbed all the abuse and pain you can tolerate.

[Lion Heart]

EH

 

I'm a woman and earn alot more than my H. In fact I returned to full-time work against his Will because we had been struggling with me as a SAHM for YEARS. H wanted to keep running his self employed business which didn't pay the mortgage BUT HE also wanted me to remain a SAHM. I had no choice. With 3 more children to feed, house, educate and the govt threatening to stop all welfare payments UNLESS I returned to work, I literally had no choice. As a responsible parent I had no choice.

 

My H grew more and more bitter over the years. I was happier now I could pay for food without fretting. Pay the mortgage. Pay for virtually everything. Was I bitter? NO! I was relieved!

Until I discovered H had been having affairs instead of working for all those years. Then I got angry. He said I emasculated HIM! Actually HE emasculated himself by NOT working. He found that out in IC. He had the CHOICE.

 

I am NOT saying the same has occurred for you guys.

I understand alot more about how a man's career can define themselves. It's part of my WH identity etc. I get that now. But I had supported his training in FIVE different career choices over 16 years and he was never "happy". I only relayed THAT information AFTER my D Days. WH gained mountains of resentment against me but mine came in full force AFTER D Day Number 1.

 

There are major imbalances of attitudes in your M. Now W is resenting you and you her. The unemployment situation is more than unfortunate, it seems to have been disastrous. The verbal abuse is horrible and completely unbearable.

Are you doing everything you can to find employment or retrain or work 2 lower income jobs etc? You need to know for your own state of mind that you've done everything you can! Otherwise Be the best house husband there is!

 

I'd estimate because you guys can't even see eye to eye to have sex the M is beyond the brink. It may never be salvaged now because it appears neither of you have ANY MOTIVATION to get it back on track.

 

So ask her. ASK DOES she want to save your M or is she done?

If she's done I'd go full NC and move out. She may change her mind but it seems you want out too. Sounds simple but it never is. Big changes would have to occur and she may not want to go there.

 

I feel for you buddy. My WH has no idea how supportive I've been to him. He's been WAY too entitled to notice. Took it ALL for granted. I hope you've been and acted in an entirely different way.

 

Best wishes

Lion Heart.

Edited October 30, 2015 by Lion Heart

[sandylee1]

What are you doing to find a job?

Are you fully unemployed or do you earn anything at all?

 

One thing that causes this kind of resentment..is where the unemployed person is very fussy about the kind of work they will accept.

 

I know a couple like this. Every job suggested is beneath him or too dangerous and will take years of his life. It's just excuses and his wife has no regard or respect for him. But she won't divorce him because she'll have to pay spousal support and split the house that she paid the deposit for and every single mortgage payment.

 

Now your situation may not be so bad.....but if your wife witnessed you not making an effort to get any kind of job...then she could have totally lost any feelings and checkedout of the marriage.

Unless there are some loving feelings for each other...this marriage is dead. You just need to formalise it.

[mrs rubble]

The traumatic life changing event that cost your job and everything that you had....was it something you did or caused? I get the feeling you're not telling us something.

Please excuse me if I'm on the wrong track.

[dreamingoftigers]

The traumatic life changing event that cost your job and everything that you had....was it something you did or caused? I get the feeling you're not telling us something.

Please excuse me if I'm on the wrong track.

 

This is a pretty important detail.

 

As well, it seems as though you are taking NO responsibility for your arguments.

 

You say "she says something insensitive and it flips a switch inside of me."

 

It sounds at this point that you behave however you please.

 

Often when a relationship gets this broken, contempt and negative assumptions can spark from almost anything.

 

 

I have had such ridiculous arguments with my husband as "we are going to the marital counseling session the way that YOU want to go and you are still on my case because you aren't sure if we are driving that way because I actually want to see the way you want to take or I just want you to 'shut-up.'"

 

Frankly, by that point, both. I want to see which way you want to go and because this is so ridiculous that I want it to stop, which means you shutting up, (unfortunately).

 

So, what's your portion in your arguments. And, no, "SHE STARTED IT" didn't even work in preschool. As an adult, you look into conflict resolution, you read books by Gottmann and others, you figure out what is your responsibility and what isn't acceptable to you.

 

I don't personally jump to "abuse, abuse" because a lot of spouses dish out the same or worse to each other and unless you really want out, you may as well try to make your situation better. If it was one-sided that would be totally different. (I.e. you innocently and kindly make dinner and your wife belittles your efforts and cooking and character etc). But if you are in a ridiculous-mutual-combat mode, you both are probably missing a skill-set or two on how to deal with feelings, communication, forgiveness, and conflict in general.

[Spectre]

Frankly I think the whole job thing is irrelevant. It doesn't give her the right to treat him the way she does and in fact NOBODY should treat a spouse like this, I don't care if you're the bread winner: be respectful or shut the hell up. Can't handle that? Okay, divorce then.

[Els]

Frankly I think the whole job thing is irrelevant. It doesn't give her the right to treat him the way she does and in fact NOBODY should treat a spouse like this, I don't care if you're the bread winner: be respectful or shut the hell up. Can't handle that? Okay, divorce then.

 

I don't think anyone is saying that ANYTHING gives anyone the right to treat someone like that.

 

But if he wants to stay with her, then he needs more than just 'OMG she's a bitch' to help him. The fact that she was wrong to do what she did doesn't mean that he's completely innocent or there's nothing he can do either.

 

Have you ever singlehandedly supported a family for 5 years before? It can lead to a lot of stress especially if the other person isn't picking up the housework.

[mrs rubble]

I don't think anyone is saying that ANYTHING gives anyone the right to treat someone like that.

 

But if he wants to stay with her, then he needs more than just 'OMG she's a bitch' to help him. The fact that she was wrong to do what she did doesn't mean that he's completely innocent or there's nothing he can do either.

 

Have you ever singlehandedly supported a family for 5 years before? It can lead to a lot of stress especially if the other person isn't picking up the housework.

 

Yes! I have been the breadwinner myself after a traumatic life changing event.

Hence why I questioned the op.

My ex hubby had cancer and a 25% chance of beating it. I had major surgery myself and then broke my foot. We had 3 children under 7, two had other parents, we had a big mortgage, lawyers bills. My SIL was having an affair with my best friends boyfriend at the time too... I won't carry on as nobody will believe the hurricane I endured!!

I earned my right to be bitter there for a while, sometimes life just ain't fair, hard to say what's going on with op & his wife.

[m.snow]

Fights occur in all marriages. At times we do despise our spouses

If left to fester it will rot.

 

Find solutions to bring the love back, I believe this can also be a test.

 

have you tried counseling? its best to seek professional help.

[bathtub-row]

I think that one of two things is going on: either she married you for your money, or she is abusive and is using this opportunity to hold some kind of power over your head. And neither of those scenarios speaks well of her. Either you guys go to therapy and get this straightened out, or end this nightmare. There's no excuse whatsoever for people to treat one another like this! None.

[burnt]

There is no joy in my life anymore. PERIOD.

 

Our entire lives, we're looking for that one RIGHT person to share our lives with. But the LIST OF CRITERIA we use to determine the right person varies.

 

For what it's worth, being miserable for a long time, helps you develop a clearer picture of what YOUR most fundamental needs are to be happy.

 

If you can't or won't or don't want to find a way to fix this marriage, then ask the question:

what's the LESS painful option for you?

(1) living alone, but searching for a way to be happy

(2) or being lonely and miserable but married.

 

Emotionally and psychologically, what's more damaging than being alone is feeling alone in a lonely unhappy marriage.

[crederer]

She might be having an affair and this is the way she copes with it. She makes you out to be the villain to justify her actions.

 

I have been there before.