katielee Posted October 29, 2015 Share Posted October 29, 2015 Hmmm. There is just no talk of anything. He seems tired, high stressed - I know work has been hard for him as they are short staffed. I feel like I'm in a one-sided marriage lately. I have to ask for sex. He doesn't want to talk about or even say when he goes to IC. He tells me everything business related but nothing emotionally related. If I say anything he'll feel sorry for himself and say that he cant' do anything right. Before anyone asks - yes, I'm doing everything I can to make HIM feel safe. We had a mandatory change in my work email - I sent it to him right away. He didn't mention it at all. I asked if he wanted to do daily devotionals - nothing. I get that he cant' meet all my emotional needs. But could he meet some? It shouldn't be this hard. Just venting I guess. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
NotCamelot Posted October 29, 2015 Share Posted October 29, 2015 Have you tried to get away for a few days/weekend? Sometimes just getting away from anything and everything helps. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author katielee Posted October 29, 2015 Author Share Posted October 29, 2015 so we went to our lake house this weekend but entertained a few members of his family. They were - demanding - and I told him I could take about 24 hours of that... so we stayed on Sunday and relaxed but the weekend was kind of meh. it was good for him to connect with them though. Link to post Share on other sites
NotCamelot Posted October 29, 2015 Share Posted October 29, 2015 Well, I don't guess that really is the same. What worked well for me over the last 3 1/2 years were getaways with just the two of us and no outside distractions or other people. The first one, 6 months after D-day, there was not phone, internet or TV.....not even cell service. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author katielee Posted October 29, 2015 Author Share Posted October 29, 2015 we have had plenty of weekends at the lake with just us. :/ Link to post Share on other sites
NotCamelot Posted October 29, 2015 Share Posted October 29, 2015 I have not been on LS much in the last year.........you may have mentioned it......but......have there been any really good times for the two of you in the last 3 years? Link to post Share on other sites
Author katielee Posted October 29, 2015 Author Share Posted October 29, 2015 (edited) yes there has been! That's why this concerns me... I know it can't all be good but I don't think it should ever be bad. It's like there is something he doesn't want to share with me. I think it's easier to trust when you can bare your soul with your partner. Edited October 29, 2015 by katielee added a sentence 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ladydesigner Posted October 29, 2015 Share Posted October 29, 2015 Do you have date nights? That has really helped bring me and my WH closer emotionally. When we have date nights we do not discuss the A at all. Just go out for a good time together like pre-A times. Link to post Share on other sites
Author katielee Posted October 29, 2015 Author Share Posted October 29, 2015 we've been spending most of our weekend time at the lake. We go out there. But we should start going out here maybe... Link to post Share on other sites
turnera Posted October 29, 2015 Share Posted October 29, 2015 I tell people that they have to fill their brains with new memories of new stuff that makes them smile, in order to stay in love and connected and wanting to meet each other's needs. Like try one new restaurant a month. A hole in the wall or something nice, just someplace you've never been. Try new activities, like going to a high school musical production or a college basketball game. Throw a block party for your street. Take a class together. Go to a nightclub or bar you've never been to. DATE AGAIN! It's those feelings you got when you were dating that filled you with love chemicals (PEA chemicals) and made you want to please each other. You have to actively DO things to get that back or keep it. Link to post Share on other sites
baffin Posted October 30, 2015 Share Posted October 30, 2015 [sIZE=4]it's really hard when something's going on with someone you love and they either can't or won't share it, especially when there's been problems in the past. Two things have helped when i've been in that situation - one is to talk with a pastor or counselor and the second thing is a small paperback book - The 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman. [/sIZE] Link to post Share on other sites
nightmare01 Posted October 30, 2015 Share Posted October 30, 2015 Everyone is different and handles stress in different ways. Speaking from my own BH perspective - My love for my WW was my safe space. The world is a hard and difficult place, and the people in it can be mean and horrible. But with my WW, it was like I felt a fence was built around us by the love we felt for each other. I knew I was safe when I was with her, and I thought she felt the same way. It was her and I against the world. I cherished that feeling of safety that came from the love I felt for her. In the end though, WW used that love I felt to abuse and brutalize me. It was the weapon that she used to destroy me. I would like to think she didn't realize it at the time, but that's the fact of it. That love I had for her and the trust that it was all based upon, she used to keep her affair going. She used my love and my trust of her to destroy me. It took a long time and a lot of internal work - figuring it out & working on myself - to be able to be ok again. During that time I had to withdraw from my WW. She had proved to me that she was untrustworthy, so how could I confide my feelings to her? I had lost trust in myself, and I had to work on building that back up before I could even consider rebuilding anything with her. I wanted the time that all this took to go faster, but these sorts of things take as long as they do.. there's no hurrying it. So IMO it could be that your husbands withdrawal has something to do with his own internal healing. Link to post Share on other sites
ShatteredLady Posted October 31, 2015 Share Posted October 31, 2015 KatieLee. We have friends who have just become empty nesters. They have a lake house. It's wonderful to visit with them there, our kids love it! We were discussing the pros vs cons of having a lake house & the familiarity was a big negative for them. It had become a home away from home. They discussed maintenance & decorating. It held wonderful family memories but it has ceased being 'different' years ago. It wasn't a vacation or couple time, it was too common. Rather than 'getting away from things' by going to the oh so familiar house that needs all the regular house care, why don't you try something new? A true vacation where you don't have to clean-up & cook in the 'house'....with familiarity it's just another house & NOT getting away from things anymore. Link to post Share on other sites
turnera Posted October 31, 2015 Share Posted October 31, 2015 (edited) That's why we have timeshares. We can stay at the place we bought, or we can use that week to stay anywhere around the world. We saved up two weeks over two years with one of our timeshares and got a two-week Mediterranean cruise for 3 people. Edited October 31, 2015 by turnera Link to post Share on other sites
Author katielee Posted October 31, 2015 Author Share Posted October 31, 2015 the lake house is a truly peaceful place for us. I've read the 5 Love Languages. Twice. I'm not sure its as deep as we need to go. He is good at my love languages that are listed in that book. However, speaking intimately with each other is not a love language, per se. Maybe he's healing? I'm sure he is. This is why it makes it so hard as a MH - I can't make the demands that others do - like, tell me what is going on in IC or I'm gone because he could be talking about my betrayal, etc. So it's a longer, tougher haul. I just don't understand it though - I have no problem talking about things like that. And, after nearly 7 years he's still in withdrawal? I get that it takes a while to get trust back - trust to confide in me... But it's kind of the one thing I asked for as a BS - honesty. I guess if it were me and I couldn't do the one thing he asked me to do I would tell him that. And then give him the choice to accept or leave. I'm not going to waste his time anymore. Link to post Share on other sites
nightmare01 Posted October 31, 2015 Share Posted October 31, 2015 Katielee - Remember it isn't the time that heals, it's what you do with the time. I'm sorry, I can't help much as I have no experience as a MH - that has to be a special kind of hell.. the rules that govern a single affair in a relationship are completely out the window and don't much apply. I've not looked, but I imagine that there isn't many books available either. I think sometimes that people get defensive. This can happen with Mad Hatters, or WS or BS, and it can really clog up communication channels. Could that be a factor here? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
nightmare01 Posted October 31, 2015 Share Posted October 31, 2015 (edited) sorry - double post Edited October 31, 2015 by nightmare01 Link to post Share on other sites
turnera Posted October 31, 2015 Share Posted October 31, 2015 katie, you read 5 love languages, but did you read His Needs Her Needs? I think it does a MUCH better job of explaining how to make a marriage whole and fulfilling for both people, so that you both wake up excited to get to spend another day together. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ShatteredLady Posted October 31, 2015 Share Posted October 31, 2015 I'm sorry. Will someone tell me what "MH" means? I read "Mad Hatter" but I still don't understand. Duh! Thank you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author katielee Posted October 31, 2015 Author Share Posted October 31, 2015 Yep I've read His needs, Her needs. Can't say that I recall much. Like, a man needs to be appreciated and a woman needs to be cherished or something like that? I called into the Harley (writer of that book) radio show and explained our situation about a year ago. He said we should move. Hence the "I'm not cherished feeling." Probably also pertains to hubby's "appreciate how I make a living for us" feeling as he doesn't want to move. MH- both spouses have had affairs. Link to post Share on other sites
Author katielee Posted November 1, 2015 Author Share Posted November 1, 2015 That book also implies that if we're not meeting each other's needs, the door is open to an affair. The door was open because I opened it. It didn't matter if my needs were met or not. That is on me. One of a woman's needs is honesty and openness. His could be admiration. God this would be great if we could read this together... But it will remind him of "affair" so he won't. Link to post Share on other sites
turnera Posted November 1, 2015 Share Posted November 1, 2015 The gist of the book is that YOU need to know HIS Emotional Needs and HE needs to know YOUR Emotional Needs, and you both need to acknowledge them and accept that you need to meet them. And that you need to know what Love Busters you do that make him not happy with you and you need to vow to STOP doing those Love Busters once you know what they are - and vice versa. If you stop hurting each other (LBs) and start meeting the top 5 ENs, you will both WANT to keep each other happy. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author katielee Posted November 1, 2015 Author Share Posted November 1, 2015 So tunera, if openness and honesty is mine but talking about the affairs, serious relationship issues, etc is a love buster for him, what are we to do? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
turnera Posted November 1, 2015 Share Posted November 1, 2015 (edited) You find a compromise that you can both accept, such as talking about it ONLY in front of a therapist or only on, say, Sunday nights, for an hour, if you have any questions or feelings. But you also have to include the step of making it SAFE for him to talk about it. If you cry or yell or guilt any time the subject comes up...well, would YOU want to talk about something he would do that to you about? This whole thing will take a nice, calm, grownup discussion to come to an agreement. Something important from HNHN is that men's top ENs are almost always sex, fun, and admiration. I see it over and over, the men shut down or pull away because they literally NEED their wife to admire them, but the to-be-expected things that come up like fixing the house, succeeding in a career, talking/listening, etc. - when the wife says these things, the man feels UNadmired. They seem to be super-sensitive to it, women not so much. So I had to reprogram my brain to start seeing my comments to my H in terms of 'does he hear that as me saying he's screwing up?' And if so, I had to put in a little extra effort to communicate it in a 'we' voice, or a 'team' situation. Edited November 1, 2015 by turnera 1 Link to post Share on other sites
xxoo Posted November 1, 2015 Share Posted November 1, 2015 So tunera, if openness and honesty is mine but talking about the affairs, serious relationship issues, etc is a love buster for him, what are we to do? I looked up the Lovebusters thing: 1. selfish demands 2. disrespectful judgments 3. angry outbursts 4. annoying habits 5. independent behavior 6. dishonesty Where would wanting to discuss the problems in the marriage fit it? I guess it could be 1, 2, 3, or 4 depending on the way it is approached. But if it isn't inherently any of those. I think he's happy because he's in denial. If you force him to open up, you and he may realize that he honestly is not happy. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
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