Boyfriend is having trouble getting over my sexual past

[happySoul1]

Here's the deal. I am 19, and I have a boyfriend who is also 19. We have been dating for 8 months now. Before we dated we had been best friends for about 6 years. I told him a lot about my relationships and hook ups during the time we were friends, because before he realized he actually loved me, he had made it clear to me that he only saw me as a friend. Now that we are dating, we get along great, and we both feel like we have something very special and beautiful. However, he knows pretty much all of my sexual past. Before I dated him I had slept with 5 guys, only two of which were one night stand kind of deals. The other three were my boyfriends or had been. The first couple of months we dated it was fine, there was no mention about it. I never even gave a thought to it. However, a few months ago, he brought it up, saying it bothered him that I had told him everything and that he now knew all the guys I had slept with, some of which he's talked to and been friends with. As our relationship progressed, its gotten worse and now we argue about it about once a week. During the course he's told me it makes him sick, that he cant stop visualizing me and those other guys, that he can't believe I stooped so low as to let some of those guys '****' me, that I just let myself be treated like a 'piece of meat', that he thinks of how wonderful our sex is but then he can't help thinking other guys have been inside of me., that he thinks I acted slutty. It has gotten to the point where he attacks me over it, telling me things like 'you would **** anyone who told you the time of day' or '**** you' or 'you would go **** some other guy immediately if I broke up with you'. You get the picture. Once a week, we have this outbreak that usually starts with him ignoring me because he's angry and then ends with him finally snapping and a lot of tears and arguments. It ends with him saying sorry and saying it wont happen again and me believing him even though it always happens again. I love him very much, but if we go on like this we are going to bring our relationship down. I have tried so many things, writing him letters, making little projects for him, making an adventure fund for us, I've given him advice, I've tried my best to understand. But it continues to happen. I would like to save our relationship, and I am desperate. Any advice?

[Chi townD]

He has to get a grip on your past. And the key word is PAST!! You probably never thought in a million years that you would be with him. But, the heart does crazy things to us and we find love when we least expect it.

 

 

But, I can also see his point of view a little. I would be ridiculous to think that we ALL don't have a sexual past. Hell, he probably does too. But, I'm taking a guess and I'm going to bet that you are his first.

 

 

Okay, so you've been with 5 guys. But, his problem is, he knows those guys or at least some of them. It would be one thing if you had boyfriends who's he's never seen, doesn't have a clue who they are. But, this situation is different. He can put a face to the guys that you've been with and those mind movies can do some damage. Look, I am in NO WAY excusing his behavior and this is in NO WAY YOUR FAULT. I'm just trying to point out to you where his head may be at and the reason to why he feels the way that he does. So, maybe you have a better idea on why he's acting so bat sh*t crazy. So, you have a better understanding on how to tackle this situation.

 

 

Again, this isn't your fault. So, you really need to sit down with him and have a REAL conversation with him with no raised voices, no yelling and no accusations. Just talking. You need to tell him, "Look, what happened in the past is IN THE PAST. I can't change that. But, I chose to be with you. You are very special to me and I don't want to lose you. However, I don't deserve to be constantly punished for what happen prior to us getting together. Those guys are in my past and I left them behind and I need you to do the same. Have you ever thought of why my EX's are my Ex's? Because, I didn't have with them what I have with you. If you weren't special to me, I would have walked a long time ago. If you think that we're worth it. Then, I need you to work with me on this. You cannot continue to belittle me and call me names for something that happened in MY past. because sometimes you have to sift through some coal before you find a diamond. If you continue to bring up my past and degrade me because of it, then we're going to have to end this. Because, I can't continue to live like this. I can't continue to walk on eggshells around you. But, if you don't want this to end, then I need you to work with me. But, just remember that I chose you and I will always remain loyal to the guy that I have chosen."

 

 

Then, if I were you, I would suggest that you direct him here. What he's suffering from is call retroactive jealousy. We've dealt with people that have had it and we've had a pretty good success rate. Not tooting the LS horn, but we could set him straight.

Edited October 29, 2015 by Chi townD

[smackie9]

sorry but your news has tainted your relationship beyond repair. Eventually you will breakup because he will treat you differently, and probably act like a s hit to punish you for something you have no control over. He is young and not very mature yet for a real adult relationship. Most MEN understand everyone has a past and it is what it is. He isn't going to get over it anytime soon.

[Chi townD]

The weird thing is, they were friends before they got together. So, he KNEW what he was getting into. He knew what he was signing up for. It's not like she just blasted him with this information out of nowhere.

[deadelvis]

It sure seems like I've been reposting this a lot. Perhaps this is the fallout from the "hookup culture". Anyway. This should help him.

 

Retroactive Jealousy can and usually does go away on its own. There are ways he can deal with it which will help it to pass more quickly. Here are some exercises I've suggested to men who struggle with RJ. It's written from one man to another, you may want to print these for him.

 

These exercises helped me a lot. I think it took me about 3 months of doing these exercises before I stopped feeling distressed about her past. Now it doesn't really bother me anymore. I'm still not exactly thrilled about some of the things she's done, but it doesn't haunt me anymore. Although I do notice that when our sex life goes in decline for whatever reason (herpes outbreak etc.) I feel insecure thoughts of her past rising up inside me. A constant and fulfilling sex life really helps take the sting out of retroactive jealousy. Here are the exercises.

 

 

1. Make a list of 5 unique and special moments you shared together that fill you with happiness every time you think of them. Keep the list in your pocket. When you start feeling insecure or jealous read over the list a few times. Try to really feel what you felt on those occasions. One of mine was the first night we slept in the same bed and she fell asleep with her head on my chest.

 

2. Write two letters you will never send. Write one letter to her, telling her everything you're feeling and how upset you are about everything that happened during the time before you were together. Feel free to list off every detail that you are obsessing over. This will be painful. You will feel angry while doing this. That's ok. Don't send the letter. Now write a reply letter from her to you, where she gives you a compassionate and detailed explanation of everything you mentioned in the previous letter. Her letter should be written in a way that puts your heart at ease regarding everything that happened in the past. Be sure the letter specifically addresses each of the topics mentioned in the previous letter. This letter should provide a compassionate explanations of everything that happened and be written in a way that soothes your concerns. This letter is sort of designed to debunk everything you're upset about from her past. Now burn the first letter and read the second letter every night before bed or every morning when you wake up. I actually made an audio recording on my phone of myself reading the second letter aloud and I listened to the recording whenever I was having a bout of retroactive jealousy.

 

3. Make a mental list of all the most enjoyable sexual encounters you had during the years of your life before her. Now spend some time thinking about how those experiences influence your feelings toward your current partner. The answer will be obvious... those experiences don't take anything away from your feelings toward your wife, in fact it will seem silly to imagine those past experiences being even remotely related to the marriage you have now and the feelings you have for her. When you find yourself thinking of her past, reflect on your own past sexual history and the happy times you had. It won't damage your feelings for her or make you long for past lovers... it will do the opposite, it will remind you how much more special your relationship is with your wife.

 

4. Make lists of everything you are upset about and organize them into seperate cohesive issues. Then write out detailed "responses" to the issues. These responses should be designed in such a way as to relax you and make you feel calmer and peaceful. For example a few of the lists I made were titled things like "She lied about her past" or "Lack of sex in our relationship" and things like that. Then when you write the responses they should have wording like "...she is still sexually attracted to me, but things like work and the kids have made it more difficult to have an active sex life, by scheduling private time together we can start to ... blah blah blah" You get the idea. These are designed to "talk you off the ledge" when you're having a panic attack. Now read them aloud and record the responses on your phone. Listen to whichever one applies as you find yourself getting upset over these issues. These worked great for me. Almost every time I heard my own voice telling me what I needed to hear (in a calm and thoughtful manner) it immediately calmed me down and got me back to a healthy mind state.

 

 

If you actively do those exercises, I promise you will start to quickly feel better and your anxiety over this will become manageable. Good luck. May the force be with you.

[Poutrew]

The problem here is the bf was probably a virgin before he met you. You have more sexual power in the relationship and his ego can't handle this. Yeah, I know, male ego is a fragile thing, but it is what it is. The only way to fix this is either for you to step into a time machine and prevent yourself from banging your boy toys, or for him to go out and bang a few chicks to even the score...are you comfortable enough in your own femininity to tell your BF that it's OK by you if he pounds a few on the side, but just to not bring either them or any STDs back into your bed with him?

[TaraMaiden2]

Oh my goodness not this again.... !!

 

YOU can't save your relationship.

HE has to save your relationship.

The way for him to do that, is to do one (or more) of several things:

 

One: Grow the hell up.

Two: Get counselling for his distorted expectations

Three: Deal with his own personal hang-ups.

Four: Break up with you so you can (both) find someone much more compatible to your needs.

 

And the next time you find a BF (and there WILL BE a next time - this is not your one, final true love soul-mate) tell him when he asks you about your past, that your past is exactly that.

 

Yours, and in the past.

you don't find looking back to be a useful constructive trait.

You have no desire to ask him about his past, (if he offers information, that's up to him) and you're quite happy to build a future together, based on creating a happy, well-adjusted and balanced present.

 

If any guy can't deal with that - you know better what toi do, then.

[Lois_Griffin]

During the course he's told me it makes him sick, that he cant stop visualizing me and those other guys, that he can't believe I stooped so low as to let some of those guys '****' me, that I just let myself be treated like a 'piece of meat', that he thinks of how wonderful our sex is but then he can't help thinking other guys have been inside of me., that he thinks I acted slutty. It has gotten to the point where he attacks me over it, telling me things like 'you would **** anyone who told you the time of day' or '**** you' or 'you would go **** some other guy immediately if I broke up with you'.

OK, you're only 19 but his has to be said.

 

No matter WHAT age you are, NEVER let anyone disrespect you to the level you're being disrespected.

 

Why in the hell would you WANT to work on any so-called relationship where you're being called a slut? Being told you'd go screw anyone who gave you the time of day?

 

Why in hell would you even allow this level of disrespect in your life?

 

You are quite mistaken when you claim what you have is 'special and beautiful.' What you have is an abusive little weasel who thinks it's perfectly fine to shame you and degrade you and humiliate you and disrespect you - all because HE has obvious emotional problems.

 

You can continue to be this abuser's emotional punching bag or you can get the hell away from someone who treats you like this.

 

Why ANYONE in this thread would try to convince you to stay and try to 'fix' this guy is beyond me.

[ExpatInItaly]

Your boyfriend is verbally abusing you. He is holding you hostage for your past and degrading and disrespecting you. This isn't YOUR problem to fix. HE is the problem. His comments are disgusting and unacceptable. He's not a good boyfriend at all and if he can't refrain from insulting you relentlessly, you kick his foul mouth to the curb.

 

Honestly, it's not worth it. Walk away. You're only 19. This isn't love.

[smackie9]

The weird thing is, they were friends before they got together. So, he KNEW what he was getting into. He knew what he was signing up for. It's not like she just blasted him with this information out of nowhere.

They were friends but even friends don't reveal that they were smashed by some hot guy the night before.

[TaraMaiden2]

They were friends but even friends don't reveal that they were smashed by some hot guy the night before.

 

Er.... Yes, they do. Or at least, they can.

Depends on the friendship, but I have been witness to it....

[smackie9]

Er.... Yes, they do. Or at least, they can.

Depends on the friendship, but I have been witness to it....

From the reaction she got....doubtful.

[Grumpybutfun]

This is where you move on from a verbally abusive immature boy. You can't fix his insecurities and selfishness. Yes, it is his preference to have a low count gf, he even gets to choose a virgin, but he knew who you were and chose you then he continued to treat you with contempt. He is a terrible kid.

Move on,

G

[SammySammy]

This story sounds so familiar.

 

Married a young 19 year old when I was 22. I was a virgin. She had been with FIVE guys!!! The horror! It was so terrible! I "COULDN'T" get over it.

 

Since I was so new to sex, I didn't know what being with FIVE guys meant. Were they better than me? Bigger than me? Would it be easy for her to leave me for somebody else because she had experience and I didn't? All sorts of paranoia and other craziness went through my head. And I treated her accordingly.

 

Lost the woman who probably loved me the most besides my mother. Broke her heart.

 

Our marriage ended (as it should have). She remarried and is still married to that guy - twenty years later.

 

I grew up. Eventually.

 

If there is anything in my life that I regret ... it's being that insecure and treating her that way. I was wrong. Just ... wrong. I can't go back to fix it now.

 

That's why I advise other young men to get over your woman's past or leave her alone. Don't make her feel bad about it. You may wake up one day to realize it was all pointless. Senseless pain inflicted upon yourself and her. When all she wanted to do was love you ... and be loved.

 

Yeah. Your boyfriend needs to get over it. Or move on. Quickly.

[TaraMaiden2]

From the reaction she got....doubtful.

 

Not really.

The initial reaction she got when she told him, was probably one of friendly interest.

 

.... Before we dated we had been best friends for about 6 years. I told him a lot about my relationships and hook ups during the time we were friends, because before he realized he actually loved me, he had made it clear to me that he only saw me as a friend.

 

His aversion to her experiences began taking root once they were dating.

He began to obsess once they were an exclusive item; before then, he didn't seem one bit fazed.

 

..... a few months ago, he brought it up, saying it bothered him that I had told him everything and that he now knew all the guys I had slept with, some of which he's talked to and been friends with. As our relationship progressed, its gotten worse and now we argue about it about once a week. During the course he's told me it makes him sick, that he cant stop visualizing me and those other guys, that he can't believe I stooped so low as to let some of those guys '****' me, that I just let myself be treated like a 'piece of meat', that he thinks of how wonderful our sex is but then he can't help thinking other guys have been inside of me., that he thinks I acted slutty. It has gotten to the point where he attacks me over it, telling me things like 'you would **** anyone who told you the time of day' or '**** you' or 'you would go **** some other guy immediately if I broke up with you'. You get the picture.

 

Hence, the problem of his reaction, was totally his, completely unwarranted, and entirely of his own making.

Edited October 30, 2015 by TaraMaiden2

[sandylee1]

Your relationship isn't going anywhere.

 

He's stuck on your past and will never get over it. The way he's speaking to you is unacceptable. You have to decide whether you will continue to accept his verbal abuse.

 

Be strong..you tell him the next time you do it 'we're done ' and stick to it.

 

He'll never want a lifetime commitment with you.....so why not save yourself the heartache.

 

Some advice..............don't discuss your sex life with other guys...even if they are your friends.....they'll always judge you.

[basil67]

My advice? Stop doing all those nice reassuring things for him. You're giving him positive rewards for unacceptable behaviour - OF COURSE he's going to keep doing it.

 

Talk to him now (before he does it again). Tell him that you've been thinking about this behaviour of his. Talk about how you have realised that his promises to stop doing it are meaningless. Talk about you have decided that if he ever does it again, you will leave him. No more chances. And mean it.

 

In short, he needs to understand that he has no more chances left.

[MsHopeful0208201689]

Here's the deal. I am 19, and I have a boyfriend who is also 19. We have been dating for 8 months now. Before we dated we had been best friends for about 6 years. I told him a lot about my relationships and hook ups during the time we were friends, because before he realized he actually loved me, he had made it clear to me that he only saw me as a friend. Now that we are dating, we get along great, and we both feel like we have something very special and beautiful. However, he knows pretty much all of my sexual past. Before I dated him I had slept with 5 guys, only two of which were one night stand kind of deals. The other three were my boyfriends or had been. The first couple of months we dated it was fine, there was no mention about it. I never even gave a thought to it. However, a few months ago, he brought it up, saying it bothered him that I had told him everything and that he now knew all the guys I had slept with, some of which he's talked to and been friends with. As our relationship progressed, its gotten worse and now we argue about it about once a week. During the course he's told me it makes him sick, that he cant stop visualizing me and those other guys, that he can't believe I stooped so low as to let some of those guys '****' me, that I just let myself be treated like a 'piece of meat', that he thinks of how wonderful our sex is but then he can't help thinking other guys have been inside of me., that he thinks I acted slutty. It has gotten to the point where he attacks me over it, telling me things like 'you would **** anyone who told you the time of day' or '**** you' or 'you would go **** some other guy immediately if I broke up with you'. You get the picture. Once a week, we have this outbreak that usually starts with him ignoring me because he's angry and then ends with him finally snapping and a lot of tears and arguments. It ends with him saying sorry and saying it wont happen again and me believing him even though it always happens again. I love him very much, but if we go on like this we are going to bring our relationship down. I have tried so many things, writing him letters, making little projects for him, making an adventure fund for us, I've given him advice, I've tried my best to understand. But it continues to happen. I would like to save our relationship, and I am desperate. Any advice?

 

He's blatantly DISRESPECTING you! I can't wrap my mind around why he is with you if he feels so strongly about your sexual past. If he can't get over it then maybe he should just let the relationship go OR better yet if he doesn't stop verbally abusing you how about you do him (and yourself) a favor by ending the relationship. No matter what, you still deserve respect and you are worth more than that.

[Friskyone4u]

Your BF needs to grow up a little. He made the choice to start to date you KNOWING all of this information. None of this sexual past occurred when he had any reason to give a damm, and to hold that against you now is acting 15 instead of 19, which is still vbery young.

 

Now, if you are hanging out without him alone with any of these other guys as "friends", then he has a little right to be concerned but NOT to be verbally abusing you in any way.

 

If these hook ups are in the PAST, and if you have agreed to an exclusive relationship, which it sounds lke, then put them in the past and leave them there.

 

If he cannot adjust to that and if you give him no reason to being forced to interact with therse other guys, he needs to get over it, and quickly.

[Robert]

Looks like this was a drive by, if the thread starter would like it reopened then alert on my post and we will do so, thanks all who have participated and offered advice.