Step Kids and their mom

[toma1]

As I have posted in other threads, I am newly married with two step daughters living in the home. The schedule for visiting there dad is a rotating 4 days with us, 2 days with him. But on school days he drops them off at the house prior to school, so my wife can feed them and get lunches together, and then when they get home from school he picks them up again for the night. So we basically have them every morning unless it’s a weekend. I’m thinking the guy should be able to handle his kids breakfasts and lunches (Which in the end he probably could) but my wife is a bit of an untrusting sole when it comes to the kids food. That is kind of beside the point.

 

The two girls are aged 15 and 11. The 15 year old has 1 chore, fold the laundry. The 11 year old has 1 chore unstack the dishwasher. EVERYTHING else is done by myself or my wife. Now this isn’t necessarily a bad thing, because we are both pretty anal about how we like things done. So to set the tone they do not have a lot of responsibilities.

 

When asked to maybe pick up an extra thing all hell breaks loss. They are in my opinion very disrespectful towards her, telling her she’s annoying, she’s obnoxious, that she’s lazy, saying I don’t love you, and just slamming doors and screaming. My wife will fight back and the house just becomes a bit unsettled and she is noticeably upset for the way she is being disrespected. This all could stem from choice of dinner, breakfasts, my wife asking to borrow something of the 15 year olds, to my wife buying herself a something that she needs, down to her and I getting Salads when they just will not make any compromise on dinners. And there are points were I’m brought in to it when it comes to speding money on things (which totally gets me going because I work a lot and make decent money I SHOULD NEVER HAVE TO ANSWER TO A CHILD and nor should she). The last two weeks have been very bad, it has been at least one of the girls being totally out of control before school which ruins my wife’s days, or totally out of control in the evening which basically ruins our night of relaxing.

 

I try to explain that I totally believe they do not know the boundaries with her, that she is the mom and in fact she is the boss (They love the line “let me live my life”). My wife takes it in, and I think understands it, but doesn’t necessarily act on it for fear of them not “loving” her. There have been a number of times in the past month or so where she has expressed concern that she fears the 15 year old will want to go live with her BD.

 

But on the flip side as I said my wife babies them, she will peel chicken off the bone for the 15 year old, cut corn of the cob for the 15 year old, cut up steak, she will get up from being comfy on the couch to get them a glass of milk she lets them buy anything they want, but its just never enough and I feel like its draining her and I don’t know how to get her to see it, without it looking like I am against the girls.

 

Any advice?

[Blanco]

As I have posted in other threads, I am newly married with two step daughters living in the home. The schedule for visiting there dad is a rotating 4 days with us, 2 days with him. But on school days he drops them off at the house prior to school, so my wife can feed them and get lunches together, and then when they get home from school he picks them up again for the night. So we basically have them every morning unless it’s a weekend. I’m thinking the guy should be able to handle his kids breakfasts and lunches (Which in the end he probably could) but my wife is a bit of an untrusting sole when it comes to the kids food. That is kind of beside the point.

 

The two girls are aged 15 and 11. The 15 year old has 1 chore, fold the laundry. The 11 year old has 1 chore unstack the dishwasher. EVERYTHING else is done by myself or my wife. Now this isn’t necessarily a bad thing, because we are both pretty anal about how we like things done. So to set the tone they do not have a lot of responsibilities.

 

When asked to maybe pick up an extra thing all hell breaks loss. They are in my opinion very disrespectful towards her, telling her she’s annoying, she’s obnoxious, that she’s lazy, saying I don’t love you, and just slamming doors and screaming. My wife will fight back and the house just becomes a bit unsettled and she is noticeably upset for the way she is being disrespected. This all could stem from choice of dinner, breakfasts, my wife asking to borrow something of the 15 year olds, to my wife buying herself a something that she needs, down to her and I getting Salads when they just will not make any compromise on dinners. And there are points were I’m brought in to it when it comes to speding money on things (which totally gets me going because I work a lot and make decent money I SHOULD NEVER HAVE TO ANSWER TO A CHILD and nor should she). The last two weeks have been very bad, it has been at least one of the girls being totally out of control before school which ruins my wife’s days, or totally out of control in the evening which basically ruins our night of relaxing.

 

I try to explain that I totally believe they do not know the boundaries with her, that she is the mom and in fact she is the boss (They love the line “let me live my life”). My wife takes it in, and I think understands it, but doesn’t necessarily act on it for fear of them not “loving” her. There have been a number of times in the past month or so where she has expressed concern that she fears the 15 year old will want to go live with her BD.

 

But on the flip side as I said my wife babies them, she will peel chicken off the bone for the 15 year old, cut corn of the cob for the 15 year old, cut up steak, she will get up from being comfy on the couch to get them a glass of milk she lets them buy anything they want, but its just never enough and I feel like its draining her and I don’t know how to get her to see it, without it looking like I am against the girls.

 

Any advice?

 

Blending families is one of the most challenging aspects of marrying someone who already has children. The first couple of years are said to be really difficult, as routines are established and everyone involved tries to adjust to what's the new normal.

 

Some of the behavior described made me think your wife is going easy on the daughters because she feels some guilt about remarrying. But pretty much everything in the last paragraph indicates that she has probably always been a doormat for the daughters.

 

Did you spend much time around her and her children prior to getting married? I see from your other thread that you only met this woman a year ago, which I think is a pretty quick turnaround to marry someone. That's not really enough time to get a completely accurate picture of how someone conducts themselves in the various situations you'll see them in if the relationship lasts a long time.

 

I was in a relationship with someone who had two children and while I was doled out some authority once we finally lived together, I knew that deep down, the mom had the final say on matters regarding the kids. If your wife doesn't deem the behavior of the kids or her own behavior regarding the kids as flawed, then there's not much you can do. Be supportive of her, but understand and accept that this isn't your place to spearhead any major changes with how things are conducted.

[xxoo]

She's doing too much for them. On the other side of the same coin, she's too controlling of them (controlling a 15 year old's breakfast???). Of course they are going to push back and demand some freedom and space. That's what teenagers are supposed to do.

 

On the other hand, it sounds like the girls are trying to control the parents as well. All in all, one huge power struggle.

 

The solution is to have boundaries on what is the kids' area of control, what is the parent's area of control, and everyone respect the other's freedoms. If you want the kids to respect your choices, you model that by respecting their choices--at the appropriate level. This should start at preschool age.

 

Mom needs to stop fight back and simply tell the girls that she didn't ask their opinion about this that are genuinely none of their business (what you and your wife eat or buy for yourselves). By the same token, their mom needs to grant them the same respect when it comes to what they eat, wear, etc. As they are asking, Let them live their lives.

 

There is no reason to have power struggles. Sometimes, the parent needs to back off. Again, this is modeling--and teaches the child how to back off gracefully when they are overstepping boundaries. I have a teenage daughter myself--a mostly pleasant, highly independent one. Mutual respect is the basis for our peaceful relationship.

[toma1]

She's doing too much for them. On the other side of the same coin, she's too controlling of them (controlling a 15 year old's breakfast???). Of course they are going to push back and demand some freedom and space. That's what teenagers are supposed to do.

 

On the other hand, it sounds like the girls are trying to control the parents as well. All in all, one huge power struggle.

 

The solution is to have boundaries on what is the kids' area of control, what is the parent's area of control, and everyone respect the other's freedoms. If you want the kids to respect your choices, you model that by respecting their choices--at the appropriate level. This should start at preschool age.

 

Mom needs to stop fight back and simply tell the girls that she didn't ask their opinion about this that are genuinely none of their business (what you and your wife eat or buy for yourselves). By the same token, their mom needs to grant them the same respect when it comes to what they eat, wear, etc. As they are asking, Let them live their lives.

 

There is no reason to have power struggles. Sometimes, the parent needs to back off. Again, this is modeling--and teaches the child how to back off gracefully when they are overstepping boundaries. I have a teenage daughter myself--a mostly pleasant, highly independent one. Mutual respect is the basis for our peaceful relationship.

 

Well in a way I guess maybe a little controlling, let me clarify, its not that she doesn't want him to feed them in the morning or let him take care of the morning rituals, its that she feels he is incapable, lol, he is a bit of a lost cause sometime when it comes to remembering things, but I think he can handle it, in this way she is a bit controlling. But the 15 year old will certainly decide her breakfast, but 9 times out of 10 it's Mom can you.... and mom jumps, irregardless of how she is treated.

 

I didn't mean to make her out to be this monster controlling mom who doesn't respect the wishes of her kids in their own little world, because she isn't. This is NOT a result of my moving in or us getting married, this has gone for a long time, its just the way she is, she will kiss there little butts and they will turn on an instant to selfish little people. Its NORMAL every day stuff that a Parent must do, that they will say to her "let me live my life", for instance taking a shower, or not letting a 11 year old watch American Sniper, or us not jumping on a dime to say lets go do this activity when the 11 year old is "bored". The 11 year old has no imagination when it comes to keeping herself entertained and feels that we need to be going and doing something fun 24/7.

 

I NEVER get in the middle, and never speak to the kids about their behavior, I have a close bond with them and I feel my doing so would make them resent me and I do feel that she won't "change" her behavior either, and its probably the path of least resistance to just let her know I am there and support her, which has been my stance. I just hate seeing it.

[xxoo]

Your girls sound far more dependent than my kids, similarly aged (mine are in HS and elementary school). Why do you think they are so dependent on mom? My guess is one of the following, or a combo of the 2:

 

a. mom does everything they ask

b. mom won't let them do things for themselves

 

My high school aged kid does her own laundry and ironing, and is responsible for cleaning the bathroom that only she uses. She can cook a variety of simply meals and may use the kitchen and tools as she wishes (as long as she cleans up). I never make her individual meals for breakfast or lunch. She gets those herself, as an adult would (I cook a family dinner). SHe doesn't do chores for the house, but she is generally tasked with managing her own stuff. This is good practice for life.

 

My elem school aged kid can cook a few simple things, but may not use the stove or knives without supervision. He can use the microwave and the blender independently (makes smoothies). I do make him breakfast, as he's still little. I do not entertain him when he is "bored". My answer is, "sounds like a personal problem". If he continues, I offer lists of chores to do before telling me he's bored again. He finds something to do

 

When I'm working and they're home, the older kid makes a meal for my younger kid.

 

IMO, your stepkids need more independence. Everyone will be happier, and they'll be better prepared when they go off to college.

[Miss Peach]

I can understand your wife's position on the ex not being able to do these things themselves. I know a lot of single moms where the dad think's feeding a few pieces of fruit is a meal or they let kids go 14 hours without food. I also know that teenagers are tough.

 

But I don't see why they can't do a lot of these things themselves - especially the 15 year old as she will need to be self sufficient within the next 3 years or so. I think as a single parent you have to get used to the idea of NOT having much control on your kids because it's a rare situation you can work with and parent with the other parent. In a lot of the cases they couldn't work things out as a couple so it's only harder to agree on these things apart.

 

One tactic someone I know used is they offered the kids a certain dollar amount per week. The kids could use that money to buy things (i.e., outings with their friends, lunch at school, etc.) and they could make any food they want to at home (i.e., pack a sandwich for lunch). The kids learned about money management, how to make things, etc. really fast.

 

I have a much younger kid and even though they complain, they know how to make a few meals, clean the bathroom, laundry, etc. I make them get their own snacks/drinks if it's not breakfast or dinner. They have to get dressed and bathe on their own. Stuff like that. It also takes some of the stress off me once it became more routine.

 

I actually made a chore chart and I offer a monetary incentive for each item that is completed. I also offer $1 bonus if they complete everything without me nagging. It's been working well so far to instill more responsibility.

Edited October 30, 2015 by Miss Peach

[toma1]

Oh yes she does wayyyyyyy to much for them, and I think part of it is she is "making up" for the divorce. But she doesn't see what this will do to them and her in the long run.

 

We had a melt down of epic proportion just this week over dinner, my wife made dinner (chicken parm, with Penne) which should work because both girls like chicken parm. But when the 15 year old asked what type of noodle it was she blew up and said "I'm not eating" well my wife had already had a long and stressful day and this sent her over the edge! Plates were slammed, doors were slammed, crying like I had never seen before and I was left at the dinner table with the two girls. She is just at her wits end.

 

They do not like ANYTHING we decide on for supper, nothing!! We ask for suggestions and we get there is nothing, so we cook what we decide and this happens. The kids are spoiled to the point that they are making her life miserable, and in turn making the nights we have the girls a nightmare because my wife and at least one of the girls is almost always upset.

[anika99]

I think your wife got herself into this pickle partly because she is controlling. She believes that only she and she alone can take of her kids needs. She doesn't trust her ex to do anything and her kids became so dependent on her because when they were younger and at an age to start learning to do things for themselves she didn't trust them either. She liked being needed and being omnipresent in everything and now she is paying the price.

 

I went through some of that teenage drama with my own kids. When one of them got in huff about what was for dinner and flounced off to their room declaring they weren't going to eat I would say "fine, don't eat" and then the rest of us would enjoy our meal. Your wife is also too dependent on her kids. She's affected by everything they do because she sees them as an extension of herself. That's an issue that's not going to change overnight and likely won't change at all if she doesn't address it.

[turnera]

You need to take your wife to a counselor, like NOW. What she is doing is NOT going to turn out right. It's going to HURT her kids. She needs to hear it.

[xxoo]

Oh yes she does wayyyyyyy to much for them, and I think part of it is she is "making up" for the divorce. But she doesn't see what this will do to them and her in the long run.

 

We had a melt down of epic proportion just this week over dinner, my wife made dinner (chicken parm, with Penne) which should work because both girls like chicken parm. But when the 15 year old asked what type of noodle it was she blew up and said "I'm not eating" well my wife had already had a long and stressful day and this sent her over the edge! Plates were slammed, doors were slammed, crying like I had never seen before and I was left at the dinner table with the two girls. She is just at her wits end.

 

They do not like ANYTHING we decide on for supper, nothing!! We ask for suggestions and we get there is nothing, so we cook what we decide and this happens. The kids are spoiled to the point that they are making her life miserable, and in turn making the nights we have the girls a nightmare because my wife and at least one of the girls is almost always upset.

 

These are normal kid problems that were not handled properly when the girls were kids, and now they are teenagers acting like little children (and it is still not being handled properly).

 

Beginning by age 6, if not younger, people at my table who do not want to eat the dinner I prepared are welcome to make themselves something else to eat. They learned to make a PB&J or something similar.

 

My teen regularly substitutes some part of the meal I make. That's fine. There is no power struggle here because I am not trying to control their food. If they want leftovers from yesterday instead of the dinner I prepared today, please help yourself. If they want to substitute a roll for the pasta I chose and make a chicken parm sandwich, please help yourself. My one rule is: be respectful. No "yuck!" or similar. It's unnecessary and rude.

 

I can not for the life of me imagine fighting with teenage kids over dinner. Make the dinner. Serve the dinner. Eat or don't eat it. Talk about something else.

 

How about the girls each have a night that they prepare dinner? Plan, cook, serve, and clean up. The adults can model gratitude and graciousness.