Feeling worthless, like I shouldn't have been born.

[letsplaygofish2]

I'm feeling awful at the moment and my therapist is busy. Hope you don't mind if I vent here for a bit.

 

I am a 38 year old single female in Los Angeles who has accomplished a lot in my career, launched nonprofits, businesses and now I consult for a living. When I was a kid, my brother and I relocated from Canada to Hong Kong for my dad's job. When I turned 13, my parents sent me to boarding school in Northern California while my parents stayed in Hong Kong. A year after we were sent away for boarding school, my mother evicted my father cruelly and he had a mere $50 in his pockets to survive. My brother and I found out on our weekly phone call at a local payphone; to which she assured us that "everything was okay".

 

My mother has never been emotionally close, she prefers money and goods over nurture. My father, on the other hand, became an emotionally broken man. Depressed, but well enough to marry again.

 

I never lived with my parents since my brother and I were sent away at age 13. I mourn for my childhood, wishing I had close, loving, nurturing parents like most people do.

 

This year, I was inspired to visit my parents in Hong Kong again. Long story short, my mother stopped talking to me altogether despite our rocky relationship after I told her I would not be sending her money. I also stopped talking to my father after he told me that he was done raising me and that he was ready to die - I should move on.

 

I left Hong Kong devastated, cried the entire trip there and the entire trip home. That was in February. My life has fallen upside down since then, a boyfriend disappeared on me after telling me I was the one and that he wanted to marry me. He dumped me over the phone in March and I haven't seen him since. In July, I was diagnosed with PTSD, haunted by painful memories that I couldn't stop. I am on my road to discovery.

 

Today, I am haunted with the tragic idea that I was a mistake to my parents and that I ruined their lives. I wonder if their lives would have been easier if I wasn't born - that I wouldn't be such a burden on anyone. My aunts & uncles (moms siblings) all commiserate that there is something wrong with my mother. I can't help but get the sick feeling that she wishes I never happened. I feel worthless, sick inside, depressed. I feel like happiness is something that happens to other people.

 

I know this is the PTSD speaking, but it feels so real today. How do you get over the feelings that your parents never loved you?

[d0nnivain]

My mother was an alcoholic & I struggle with some of the same feelings of being unwanted. What helped me to some extent was the idea that my mother was a flawed broken person too; she did what she did not because she was cruel but because her life hadn't been a bed of roses either & she was even more messed up then I was.

 

 

Do you know anything about your mom's childhood? Maybe if you realize her lot in life you can at least understand how she came to be so cold.

 

 

I also looked at what my parents did give me. like you I got a good education & the fortitude to be an entrepreneur. I felt my successes were a bit sweeter because I achieved them despite the roadblocks thrown up by my parents.

 

 

I'm still working through it but my therapist is helping me to understand & embrace the idea that although my parents may have "broken" me only I have the power to fix my problems. When I can wrap my head around that rather than wallowing, it's empowering.

 

 

Good luck. Hang in there & keep working with your therapist.

[letsplaygofish2]

Thank you for replying and resonating with this post. I had a flicker of hope & connection when you said you're an entrepreneur too. I wonder if this is what makes people stronger, bolder, more open to risks and challenges.

 

Thank you so much

[GunslingerRoland]

I think you're being a martyr pointlessly in this case. Your Mom sounds like she has some real issues going on that probably don't have a whole lot to do with you. Like you said, you were at boarding school when everything fell apart for your parents.

 

Lots of people have kids that they never really wanted in the first place, I was a total accident bastard. My Mom wouldn't have had kids if it wasn't for me. But most of those people love their kids and few end up regretting it.

 

I don't know what you need to do to get over your PTSD and what caused that, but you need to get that idea out of your head.

[pteromom]

. I wonder if this is what makes people stronger, bolder, more open to risks and challenges.

 

 

It certainly can.

 

We all have pain. It's up to you whether you let your pain bring you down or make you stronger.

 

I am so sorry you have been through so much hurt, and really sorry you had such a crappy parent. Dr. Phil says sometimes you have to give yourself what you wish you could get from someone else, and I think that applies to you.

 

You aren't worthless, and you were born for a reason. Don't let your mother's issues prevent you from finding out what those reasons are.

 

(big hug)

[letsplaygofish2]

I know - this is all in my head.

 

As I've been learning about PTSD, there are fundamental shifts to self-perception that cause a person to perceive themselves as bad, shameful and fundamentally flawed or damaged. I flip flop between feeling awesome and damaged, sometimes it depends on the cycle of the month.

 

But, traditional therapy doesn't normally work. I've been in therapy for 10 years and I'm just starting to get a grip on my personal belief systems and self-love.

 

Thank you for replying. The compassion, albeit behind a screen, is very touching and exactly what I need.

[pteromom]

As I've been learning about PTSD, there are fundamental shifts to self-perception that cause a person to perceive themselves as bad, shameful and fundamentally flawed or damaged. I flip flop between feeling awesome and damaged, sometimes it depends on the cycle of the month.

 

You are awesome AND damaged. And it is ok to be both. I am both too. You don't have to leave the damage behind to be able to embrace the awesomeness, and to be kind to yourself. It's part of you. It will always be part of you. But you can learn to acknowledge your triggers and accept them, and still not let them prevent you from doing what you need to do to be successful and happy.

 

But, traditional therapy doesn't normally work. I've been in therapy for 10 years and I'm just starting to get a grip on my personal belief systems and self-love.

 

10 years... sounds like you might need a different therapist and/or a different type of therapy. If you have been trying for 10 years with limited success, I will go out on a limb here and say the problem isn't necessarily you.

 

Thank you for replying. The compassion, albeit behind a screen, is very touching and exactly what I need.

 

I feel for you because I relate to you. I am a decade beyond you and can promise you that you can be hurt and still be whole.

[Minnie09]

You are more successful than most people. You should be proud of yourself. I had a crappy childhood also, my mother has some serious NPD-traits and definitely wasn't very involved in my upbringing. Didn't even make sure I had everything I needed in terms of clothing, money, school supplies etc. I still made it, and I'm doing ok, living my life, making good money doing what I love. But man I have always wished for a sibling to share my life, including the pain, kind of. I hope you guys are close and can support each other. I think a sibling would have helped me tremendously. I hear you when you say your mother didn't want you. I've felt the same way for like ever. The best thing I've ever done for myself was rid myself of my toxic mother. I recommend you do the same. Blood is not always thicker than water. We are allowed to choose who we want in or out of our lives.

[bathtub-row]

I think it might help you to recognize that even normal people don't love themselves all the time and they're not happy all the time. That's not to say that everyone is miserable all the time. I'm just saying that total self-love isn't in a lot of people's consciousness.

 

What happened to you as a child was very hurtful and disorienting. Your mother and father are both very cold, heartless and self-involved. It's no wonder why you feel the way you do. But you're obviously extremely valuable as a person and you seem to have a great deal of heart.

 

My guess is that if you can change your expectations about people, you could attract the right kind of guy to yourself. If you just can't make a connection with a good man, maybe you would consider having a child or children through artificial means. You seem quite capable of providing for yourself and I believe that children would not only bring a purpose back into your life, but they would allow you to heal your own childhood wounds through the love you could give your children.

 

Not to say it's a solution to everything and that all your problems would be solved, but what you're lacking is family ties, family closeness. That's why I suggest having children.

[Dr Paws]

I've been diagnosed with PTSD for the exact same reason (I'm also bipolar). My parents have always been crystal clear that they never wanted children, and that if it wasn't for my mother being a practicing Catholic, neither myself or my two brothers would be here.

 

My mother had a bad childhood...instead of wanting better for her own children, her reasoning was 'I had a bad time, why shouldn't you?' My father acted like none of us - including my mother - existed, and carried on his life like he was a single man. They were too cheap to put us into boarding school when I was about 9 and he got posted abroad (diplomat) so instead dragged us around various 3rd world heckholes for 7 years. My 'childhood' effectively ended there.

 

Neither parent has ever said 'I love you' or even hugged me. My mother also values possessions over people, and blames me getting married at age 21 for my father running off with his latest girlfriend - apparently it was my fault because 'I made him feel old'...

 

I'm also having problems getting over the feelings of not being loved by my parents. My psychiatrist has been helping by pointing out that as a child I wasn't responsible for their decisions, that they were adults and therefore any mistakes they made in those decisions are 100% on them.

 

What has also helped me is limiting contact with my mother - she emotionally blackmailed myself and my brothers into terminating all contact with my father when he left. I've not seen or spoken to him in 25 years. Sometimes I miss the idea of a father, but I don't actually miss him as a person. I've had no contact with my older brother for 15 years because he was too much like my father.

 

You were never put first in your parents lives, so it's difficult for you to even know how to do it, but that's what you need to work towards. I hope you start to feel better soon. If you get any good advice on how to cope, I for one would appreciate if you could share it here.