Trust

[Hammie]

Long Post Warning!!!

 

Apologies for the long post. Theres a lot to explain....

 

About 6 weeks ago my wife told me that she didnt think we should be together any more. We were married for 7 years but had been together for 18 years. We had 2 children together (and she had 1 from a previous relationship) and I thought we were soild.

 

We got together by having an affair. im not proud of it, but we remained friends with her ex husband and I even socalised with him over the years. We sort of look alike and have been mistaken for brothers when we are out together. We go along with the joke. Because we were mature about it, I thought that any issues in our marriage would sort themselves out because we both gave up a lot to be together in the first place. Thats why the announcement came as a shock to me.

 

Things started going sour about 6 months ago. I played Bass guitar in a band, and we had a gig in Cardiff. We booked into a hotel and stayed overnight on the outskirts of Cardiff and we were looking forward to it.

 

After the gig, we packed away our gear and headed back to the hotel. During the night, she had an anxiety attack so I called NHS Direct and they sent an ambulence to take her to A&E. by this time it was 3am and I drove the car to the hospital and stayed with her while they made sure she was OK.

 

So, with no sleep, I drove us back to London and stopped a few times to have a coffee. We decided to not say anything to the kids so as to not worry them. We got home and made a doctors appointment and carried on as normal.

 

Then one night, I was complaining about one of the kids eating everything in the fridge and not thinking of other people(practically the biggest issue our family had to deal with). With no warning, she got out of bed and went and slept in the living room, and things remained this way until the shock announcement. She put it down to "Her Anxiety" making her feel upset. I accepted this and tried to be supportive by telling her that it was OK and that as long as she was comfortable, I didnt mind.

 

She went off alcohol claiming it made her feel uneasy and started having issues with food. Her weight had been a long battle for her because she became disabled while studying to become a midwife. she put on a lot of weight and discovered she was diabetic, and naturally, I became her Carer, pushed her around in a wheelchair (until we got her a scooter, then I put the scooter in and out of the car), washed her when she needed help, went out and got obscure food for her when she wanted it and even wiped her backside when she couldnt reach. I made no issue of her size and still loved her no matter what.

 

She finally got funding for weight loss surgery, and I went to hospital with her to all the appointments and we talked about the fact that she would lose weight and I was concerned she would lose interest in me and find someone else. Its been known to happen to people who have had weight loss surgery and I believe that there is a study on the effects of it on relationships. I think the findings are more in favour of partners leaving the paitent because the loss of weight is something they cannot deal with and they lose interest in their partners.

 

Anyway... We had a holiday booked at [insert name of posh family holiday place in a forest here] a few weeks later, and the same thing happened the first night. This time, she said I was snoring too much. Thats when I began to suspect that this went deeper than her anxiety.

 

Apart from this, we had a good time on holiday. When we got back, I started dropping "we need to talk about/sort out our relationship"into the conversation every week. Her answer was always "yeah, i know." or words to that effect. We socalised as normal and I didnt think too much on it, but I was aware that she wouldnt tell me she loved me at the end of phone conversations any more. Its a small thing, but when someone stops doing it after 18 years, you notice.

 

so, getting back to more recent things.... Wife was still sleeping in the living room and I came in and stood over her while she was sleeping. she woke up suddenly and asked why I was standing over her. Then she became teary eyed and said....and I quote "actually, I need to talk to you. I dont think we should be together any more"

 

and that was that! Apparently I wasnt "present" in our relationship and shouted too much at the kids, and she was scared of being with me. It was news to me! Anyway, I wentoutto seek solace with a friend and within a couple of hours she had announced on facebook that we were separating and then she told me she was talking to someone else who had just gone through the same thing....

 

The penny didnt drop until a week later. I decided to spend a few days at my mothers house about 150 miles away from London and returned home intending to sort our relationship out. Everyone seemed to agree that we should be able to sort it out because we had always seemed so strong together.

 

Literally, no sooner had I walked through the front door that she announced she was going away at the weekend to see a friend.

 

It was at this moment that I realised what an idiot I had been.

 

I made arrangements to move out, and I was pretty cut up by it all. I wasnt just leaving my home and my wife, but my pets (2 cats), my friends (yes, real mutual friends that I drank with and went to gigs and festivals with) and my children.

 

This is when I discovered that the children had known for 2 weeks. My wife had told them before she discussed it with me.

 

Then she told me that she had also discussed it with her close friends before talking to me.

 

Literally, I was the last to know.

 

I began to suspect something by this point. On the day she left, she went shopping with one of the children to make sure there was food in the house for the kids, and when she came back, she had loaded the car with bottles of wine and exotic food to take with her tovisit her "friend".

 

As soon as she left to go to her "friend" I couldnt resist looking at her facebook account and checking her messages. My fears were confirmed. Her friend was someone that had split up with his missus a month earlier and their conversation had gone from 'Oh you are splitting up?' to talking about going to fetish clubs, sub/dom sex and that she was "gagging for it because she hadnt had any for months". He was a friend of a friend. He DJ'd one of my gigs once.....

 

I was completely broken. I moved out the next day and moved in with my mother and my sister.

 

That was 4 weeks ago. Since then, she has emptied the joint bank account and travelled to her "friend" every weekend. She took 3 days before she announced that she was "booked in to get spayed" and that she was in a new relationship with a redhead guy.

 

3 DAYS!

 

Me... Ive been living in a sleepy seaside town with my family and swallowing anti-depressants like theres no tomorrow, started smoking again and thats about it! I barely go out of the house, took an overdose afew weeks ago, and now I do nothing, unable to move on. I deleted my facebook account so I didnt have to see my wife or my friends carrying on as if nothing had happened, and I am extremely lonely.

 

I keep hearing "Well, I dont want to be seen as taking sides....." and I can understand being in that position and dont want to make anyone choose sides in this... but heres the thing.... She f&£$ed someone else and practically kicked me out, and it looks very much like this was planned by the pair of them... yet my friends who dont want to be seen taking sides, are congratulating her on her new relationship, and I guess I am "out of sight, out of mind" to them. Hardly any of them have made any attempt to contact me and out of those that have, only 1 person has told her what they really think.

 

So, I guess I have developed trust issues.

 

If I could give advice to someone considering having an affair, I would say "Dont just go behind someones back. Deal with your relationship problems BEFORE you jump into bed with someone else" I am living proof that the fallout can be devestating, all for a roll around in bed with someone else.

 

I would also say "If you have a friend going through this, dont tell them you dont want to be seen taking sides. If your friend cant take criticisum for doing the dirty, they shouldnt have gone there in the first place!"

 

Was I wrong for looking at her messages? yes, but Id rather be with someone who looked at my online messages than someone who slept with someone else. I know that doesnt excuse my actions, but I think our marriage was pretty much over by then. If someone can move on in less than 3 days, then I think that says a lot more than anyone claiming that they "fell out of love" with their partner.

 

Now by this point, youre either thinking that Im making this up... or you will know Im deadly serious. THIS HAPPENED! Am I stupid? probably... Should I put it behind me and move on? Definately! Will I? No. Why?.....

 

I cant answer that. Maybe I need to make the last 18 years mean something more than "I dont think we should be together anymore, now excuse me while I suck this guys ****" or I need to feel some sort of closure, or maybe I want to just do myself in because I dont see the point of life anymore.... Or maybe I want to go back home and take a sledgehammer to her kneecaps and teeth.....

 

Truth is, I dont know why I cant move on. Do I still Love her? No. I realise that the point where she considered sleeping with someone else was the end of her contribution to our relationship. Would I take her back? NO WAY! If you cant trust someone, then you cant love them.

 

I dont understand how I got here. I dont know what to do or how to do something for the best. the saying "Make sure the person you would take a bullet for isnt the one pulling the trigger" means a lot to me now. My father in law said "its all a part of lifes rich tapestry".

 

Turns out I hate people who quote old sayings....

 

I might seem a bit jovial and aloof, but Im a performer. I have a mask I wear in public and im known for my laugh, but few people realise that behind that mask is someone who has been struggling with depression for 19 years and has considered ending it many times because of one thing or another....But id never do it because of my family... they were always my safety net.

 

I dont have them anymore.

 

Its my kids birthday on Sunday. They asked me not to come to see them because they feel its too soon and they are angry at me. They added that they never want to lose contact with me and still love me tho.. To be honest, I cant afford to go anywhere. I have no money, no job, no chance of resuming my career (10 years out of work as a carer for my wife will give most employers a reason to avoid hiring you) and I dont think I could face seeing my ex wife just yet. It still hurts to think about her.

 

Why did I write this? To get it out for one. To leave it here for others to read and learn from it how much pain its possible to cause someone else...

To give someone a bit of a chuckle at my expense... I dont care what you think, but feel free to reply. I could do with someone telling me im not alone in the world. this seems like the perfect place.

 

Thanks for reading my recent lifestory. youre a great person! one day someone will write a song about you

[mystikmind2005]

I don't know, i think possibly you are a little bit in denial over where you went wrong?

 

Your wife was having panic attacks and eating disorders, and your kids don't want to see you.... ahem,

 

I am very much trying to be positive to help you when i say that perhaps you should research narcissism and see if you recognize anything? Although my limited understanding of how narcissism works is that anyone who is one could never accept that and do something about it.

[Hammie]

I don't know, i think possibly you are a little bit in denial over where you went wrong?

 

Well, im definately open to the possibility. we are all a bit on the mental side arent we? Id be surprised if I was the only sane person in the world

 

Your wife was having panic attacks and eating disorders, and your kids don't want to see you.... ahem,

 

I honestly dont think the panic attacks and eating disorders were caused by me. she had a history of eating disorders (like purging after meals as a teenager) and she has an unhealthy relationship with food and low self esteem, but that is historic. it was ongoing for years, pretty much all the way through our history together. The Weight Loss Surgery has had an effect on her body, but she remains in a unhealthy cycle of fixating on one food (shes gone through soooo many packs of Beef Jerky until she grew bored of it, and then she moved on to jalapenos!) and with the reinforcement of losing so much weight (about 20 Stone/ 280lbs), her self esteem issues have become more about losing excess skin.

 

As for the kids, theres a lot I left out of the essay above. suffice to say, birthday kid wants to see me but not yet.. (I suspect the new guy will be there for his birthday), and youngest daughter seems to hate every thing about me and often says things like "I hate you" but she continues to poke me looking for a reaction which would suggest that she wants me to respond and have some sort of contact with her (I got that from the school councellor!). It could mean she actually does hate me. I dunno....

 

 

I am very much trying to be positive to help you when i say that perhaps you should research narcissism and see if you recognize anything? Although my limited understanding of how narcissism works is that anyone who is one could never accept that and do something about it.

 

narcissism

ˈnɑːsɪsɪz(ə)m,nɑːˈsɪs-/

noun

noun: narcissism

 

1. excessive interest in or admiration of oneself and one's physical appearance.
    
    
   
   • Psychology
     extreme selfishness, with a grandiose view of one's own talents and a craving for admiration, as characterizing a personality type.
      
      
     
   • Psychoanalysis
     self-centredness arising from failure to distinguish the self from external objects, either in very young babies or as a feature of mental disorder.
      
      
     

 

 

 

 

 

 

My interest in my physical appearence is hardly excessive. My idea of dressing up is to wear a shirt. usually im in a t-shirt and jogging bottoms. Im overweight and used to have hair reaching down to my backside! I shaved it all off however because there was more hair on the hairbrush than my head, so I now resemble Charles Bronson (or Dr. Robotnik if that helps at all)

 

I suppose on a psychological level, I identify with that description. Im a musician and a performer and want to be recognised as such obviously, but its not all consuming.

 

I dont think I am selfish. I do hate being ignored tho...

 

to be fair to your points, I wouldnt be surprised if I had some traits of mental disorders considering ive had mental illness for a long time, but im not kidding myself. one of the things I regret about this whole situation is that I dont think anyone of the opposite sex would take a 2nd look at me. I may be wrong since ive been married twice..... but it does feel like my sex life has just committed suicide,particularly because that seems to be the reason she left me.

 

food for thought - thanks for your input

[sandylee1]

The biggest worry here is your kids turning against you. Was your relationship with them good before the split?

 

Could your wife have said something to make them dislike you?

 

Do you have scheduled visitation with them?

[Hammie]

All I am being told is that they are angry with me. I dont know why. I assume that my ex said something to them, but I have no idea what. She has undermined me in front of them many times, and my relationship with my youngest (14) has been very difficult for a long time.

 

The other children are being quiet. I have no idea what to think anymore

[mystikmind2005]

You and me have a very simplistic understanding of narcissism.

 

The only reason i am mentioning it at all is because of what my sister went through with her husband who she is divorcing.

 

She has been telling me all these things.

 

Anyway, i think a big part of narcissism is instinctive, the person cannot see it.

 

There are clues to look for though....

 

Are you more dominant in a relationship and life in general?

 

Do you find yourself lying or twisting the truth in order to save face?

 

Does your spouse lack self esteem?

 

Do you place high priority on what other people think of you?

 

Do you find that you often run into conflict with other dominant personality type of people?

 

Hope this helps?

[Hammie]

Are you more dominant in a relationship and life in general?

 

No. I believe in treating other people as you want them to treat you

 

Do you find yourself lying or twisting the truth in order to save face?

 

no. I think honesty is better than lying.

 

Does your spouse lack self esteem?

 

yes. she has body/weight issues

 

Do you place high priority on what other people think of you?

 

not really, but I dont want people to think badly of me

 

Do you find that you often run into conflict with other dominant personality type of people?

 

No. I get on with most people. If I have a problem with someone, I tell them and we deal with it.

[Hammie]

Having a bad one today. Its my kids birthday tomorrow and he asked me not to come see him or phone. hitting me like a ton of bricks. Thats something else she has taken from me.

 

I may go for a walk to the beach tomorrow and try and find something to take my mind off of the endless misery I find myself wallowing in.

 

Hope you all had a grand weekend!

[angel.eyes]

Hi Hammie! I'm sorry that you're going through such an awful time. It sounds like a horrible situation.

 

I fail to understand why you're being blamed by some posters for your wandering wife's decision to cheat. Ridiculous! Cheating on a spouse is completely inexcusable. So too is telling everyone you're divorcing before you inform your spouse of your intentions.

 

If she were interested in and/or invested in her marriage, there were far better ways for her to handle her apparent unhappiness and dissatisfaction. For starters, discussing her needs with you and/or marriage counseling come to mind. Failing that, separate/divorce THEN find someone else. But she wants out, and this has been her pattern...in fact you knew this from the outset. You're her former affair partner!

 

My advice:

• Join a divorce support group.
  
• Consider seeing a therapist for individual counseling
  
• Seek legal advice
  
• Be proactive about re-establishing your relationship with your kids, even if she makes this difficult...or your kids seem hesitant. It's up to you to make sure they know you love them and want to be active in their lives.
  
• Build a new social circle.
  
• Look for career re-entry counseling and resources
  

I don't know. Maybe now that she's losing significant weight, she feels she can do even better? So sad, after the career sacrifices you made to care for her. Know this: like her previous husband who she cheated on, you're better off without someone who would treat you so poorly, clear out your bank accounts, and betray your trust.

 

Things will eventually get better in your life!

[I Just Wanna b Happy]

I know how you feel. I was in a situation with a cheating spouse and was hit with the "I don't think we should be together anymore". After all you've done for her it shows her true self that she would harm you like this. My advice would be to seek therapy. It helped me tremendously. Go minimal contact and try to move on. I still struggle with my separation but I am in a much better place than I was six months ago. It will get better. I wish you the best.

[Hammie]

So, last night I made a decision to confront this head on and I called her.

 

She is adamant that because we were separated, her decision to sleep with someone else was completely circumstantial.

 

She maintains that during our relationship she was unhappy with the mess in the house. she says that because I was unable to cope with the stresses of being in a position of being a home maker as well as her carer, that our separation was my fault. She says that because I was unable to keep the home tidy, that no-one should have expected our teenage children to do chores and pitch in to help

 

She feels no guilt for what she has done

 

She claims her anxiety was real and that even though I had asked her to work with me to fix our marriage several times over the last 6 months, that because I didnt instigate counselling or therapy that it is my fault

 

She will not accept that my own mental health problems (a long period of depression) is an excuse for my failings in our marriage

 

I guess this is like most breakups. differing opinions and interpretation of events and memories is just a sign of a breakdown of communication.

 

After our conversation, I wrote an email detailing my side of things, but I ended it by telling her that I was letting her go and I hope she has a happy life.

 

I had to deal with the negativity I have been feeling and say goodbye. I had to give it a funeral and put it away.

 

I dare say she will disagree with the things I have said because she is no longer the person I married. I am no longer the same person either, and after I had got it all out, I felt a sense of calm, as if I had finally managed to deal with the hurt.

 

I do not agree with her reasoning, but I cannot change what has happened.

 

I had to turn my negativity around. we cant agree and we cant be friends. we have to communicate because of the children, but I no longer want to waste time talking to someone who will not meet me half way

 

I will have bad days, but I think I will also have good days now, and I can try to move on from the pain and start rebuilding my life.

[Hammie]

No... I was wrong. I realise now I cant have good days, possibly ever again. I have had many messages over the last few days offering me support, but I am also having strong urges to end it all. It seems that I will never feel the love I have for her again, and Im finding it hard to feel any attachment to life anymore.

 

I saw a GP the other day and he was talking about me taking control and working towards being more social, but allI want to do is to go to sleep and not wake up. There is nothing in my life that brings me any joy. even music (my other life long love) cant ease this.

 

I think I am completely broken. I dont want a future on my own.

[Hammie]

Update :

 

I tried to kill myself over the weekend. I saw a picture of her with her new guy and something in me snapped. before I knew it, I was swallowing pills. I laid down, cried myself to sleep and that was that

 

...until I got awoken by my phone ringing. One of my friends decided to give me a call after seeing desperate facebook updates. Im glad they did because the guilt they laid on me for doing it was horrible. I told my family what I had done and went to the hospital.

 

the drug i had used was a prescription antidepressant. in large doses it can disrupt the electrical impulses of the heart. 10 hours of bloods and ecgs later and i got the all clear. The crisis team had a chat with me and I was allowed to leave and come home.

 

Something happened during that time. The grief councillor explained about the stages of grief and that the speed in which I had been ousted from my home had locked me in the denial stage. because of that I didnt feel I could move forward because I simply didnt want to, and it turns out a 2nd anti depressant I was given can have a side effect of making you manic and giving you "serotonin syndrome". Look it up, its horrible.

 

The end result was that the guy who walked out of that hospital is not only getting support for all this from community GPs, but I felt like me again. I hadnt felt like that for 6 weeks. I realised that I was finding my strength after being so low. its cliche but its as good as any explanation, and I dont do god, so please no faith explanations.

 

I realised that I was stronger. Nothing she could say or do to me would hurt me again. Its horrible that it had to come out of something that could have killed me, but I went from wanting to end the pain to realising that I was strong enough to get past it, and as I write this ive been awake for 36 hours and have accomplished so much in one day with small steps, including the big one which was telling her exactly who was in the wrong in this and that she needed to start shouldering the responsibility for our breakup. I see now that shes changed. I also see a lot of her transferring her hangups onto other people. me included, and I let her because I loved her.

 

I dont love her anymore. Nothing she can say or do can hurt me.

 

Our children havent taken all this very well, but I did manage to establish contact with one of them and we spent our first hour of chatting online today. more at the weekend. Thats a positive

 

The other thing that has amazed me is my social media friends. I laid it all on the line and explained everything on social media and they supported me. every one of their messages was another little piece of of armour and a reason to get through this.

 

I felt stupid for what I had done, but at the moment, I can face things ad I have help. One of my old school friends put me in touch with a charity that acts as mediators so that everything from contact with the children to finances can be dealt with by someone else.

 

This is what I needed. I can work on me now. Ive changed doctors to a specialist in psychiatry and mental health issues and discovered the doctors surgery has its own gym with a fitness manager. I intend to take advantage of that. Physical and mental health on the road to repairsville then!

 

So my marriage? well, separation. I intend to build bridges with the kids slowly and allow them the time to process everything that has happened. My kids were brought up to question things, and im pretty sure the reality of the situation will become apparent to them in time. I have time to wait.

 

I have concerns that my ex wife has had some sort of emotional problem for a while and im only now putting the pieces together in my own thoughts. Shes 42 and acting like shes 17 again. I havent had to badmouth her to friends (although I have had a few pops at her for the bloody minded way our marriage came to an end) but she made the rules when she ended our marriage and I can say anything I want to who I want, as long as I dont say it to the kids. I have made that clear to the one I was talking to. he had conditions for being in contact with me, and I refused to back down but met him half way. I will be more civil in public, but I can post what I like on facebook for anyone to see.

 

This new relationship of hers cant last, I know. I actually feel sorry for her when it does fall apart. Maybe I can bring myself to feel sorry for her and even try and get help for her, but our marriage is over and I dont want to be friends with someone who could do this so spitefully.

 

Its strange that so much good came out of this whole thing. i'm in a better place today. I'm sure to have bad days, but I will never go back to that horrible black place I found myself yesterday and I urge you all to get help if you even suspect your emotions are getting the better of you.