Not exactly an LDR, but problematic

[gloryslee]

Okay, I have been seeing this guy for a few months and he always comes to my apartment. I've never been to his house. He lives about an hour outside the city. He works in the city and comes over after work about once or twice a week. We both work odd hours, so it is late at night when we see each other, and there isn't much open for us to go out and do (not that hanging out at my apartment is a problem ;-). Anyway, he drives but I do not have a car.

 

I have brought up coming over to his house a couple of times and he says he is a private person and isn't ready for that yet. I said I thought it was weird that he never wants me to come to his house and he said, "not never, just not yet."

 

So then I thought for sure he was married or has a girlfriend. I did some research online and I'm pretty sure he is not married. However, I do not have a land line phone number for him, only a cell. His home number is unlisted. I asked him for it once when I was questioning him about being involved, and he said "do you have a pen?" and I went to get a pen, but then he said "now you're scaring me," so I dropped the issue.

 

He always calls me when he is in the car on the way to work. But, I have spoken to him a couple of times (hour long conversations at like 3:00 in the morning) when he was at home (on his cell).

 

However, he comes over at midnight once or twice a week and stays till 5 or 6 in the morning. And I have left marks on his neck before (not intentionally) and he didn't freak out about it.

 

Although he stays really late, he never sleeps over. He has a dog and a cat and a horse to tend to.

 

I'm not sure what to make of this. I mean, if he does have a wife or girlfriend living with him, maybe she works nights or something? It really seems like his behavior would be very suspicious to her. Or maybe he has a girlfriend that doesn't live with him, but comes around his house a lot.

 

I have also brought up us doing something together when we have a day off besides him coming over after work (a concert or hiking or something) and he acts very interested in doing something like that but it's not like he is making any definite plans with me.

 

Should I press him on the inviting me to his house issue? What should I do? Should the red flags be glaring at me? He says he is falling for me, dangerously starting to let down his guard, and once he said "love you" before he hung up the phone. Should I bide my time? I don't necessarily want a really serious long term relationship or marriage, I just want to be invited to his house or go on a trip together or something.

[swirlingdaisy]

Just curious, how did you meet him in the first place?

 

It's extremely suspicious that you've been seeing one another for "a few months" and he's making such lame excuses about you going over to his house. It's just as suspicious that he won't give you his land line # - these are 2 classic signs of a guy who's married/involved. It's extremely possible that he has a wife/girlfriend who works the graveyard shift - and that's why he comes to see you at your place so late, that's why he'll talk on his cell in the wee hours of the morning, is strange about inviting you to his place.

 

I imagine that you two have sex? If so, do you really want to share yourself with someone who is very likely sharing himself with a wife or girlfriend or who knows what else? He could be bisexual for all you know, and living with a guy.

 

He tells you he loves you that one time, on the phone, yet isn't ready to bring you to his home? Good grief!

 

I guess it's possible, too, that he lives with his Mommy and Daddy? How old is he?

[Merin]

My Opinion on this situation...

 

If this Guy never takes you out, never does anything with you except hang out at your place and have sex then he isn't dating you, he is using you..

 

While you're right hangin out at your apartment on occassion would be all good to go, IMO all of the time isn't an okay thing especially since the 2 of you haven't been "together" all that long.

 

RED FLAGS.. he refuses to give you his home number and then he has the nerve to say you're scaring him in asking for it? Uh.. NO.

AND he doesn't want you at his house because he's a private person? WTF!? Hell no, this isn't about being private in my opinion it's about hiding something...

Calling you at 3 a.m from his cell phone isn't an indication that he is single because of the rest of his behaviour it's more an indication that his Wife/GF (leaning towards wife) is asleep and he's outside or in another room talking to you..

 

Last thing.. he never wants to make any definate, solid plans to spend time with you (real time doing things outside of your apartment) more than likely because he doesn't want anyone to see him out with you and then tell on him....

 

Sorry Girl, I think he's full of sh*t

[swirlingdaisy]

Give yourself credit, you're taking notice of the red flags, you're obviously not oblivious to them - but don't ignore them.

 

How many months is "a few months"?

 

Don't the 2 of you ever have a same day off to do something?

 

You mentioned he comes over a couple of times during the week...but what about on weekends? Do both of you have weekends off? (most couples that don't work weekends, get together and do things on the weekend - during the day, during the afternoon - not just in the dead of night).

 

The fact that he never stays past 5 or 6am is another red flag - seems clear to me he leaves that early because he's got to "get home in time."

[gloryslee]

He works till 11, 12, 1, or 2 am six nights a week. We both work late on Friday, Saturday, and Sunday nights. Neither of us have an official "weekend." He says he doesn't have much of a social life because of the hours he works. He's 34 and he says his mother lives down the street from him. I checked on the Internet and it is true about his mother. Her land line is listed, but I wouldn't dare call and try to find out from her. We've been seeing each other since the beginning of March.

 

Wouldn't his wife/girlfriend be suspicious of him having marks on his neck, coming home smelling like another woman, check his cell phone, etc.? It just doesn't seem to make sense. But of course, I guess she could be working the graveyard shift and he has time to get home and shower. Or he could just need to take care of his animals.

 

Should I tell him that if I'm going to see him again, the next time better be at his house? I too am mostly just wanting a fun, carefree relationship. I just don't want it to be with someone that is married or has a serious girlfriend.

[swirlingdaisy]

Do you know for *sure* that he works the job he says he does, such that he works these long hours? I mean, have you ever seen him at his job? He could easily have a day job but the only reason he can see you late during the week is because that's when his wife/GF leaves for the graveyard shift. And yes, it's entirely possible he goes home "early" (as opposed to spending the night/sleeping at your house) so that he can shower. As for the mark you left on his neck...well it's possible he didn't realize as you were doing it, that it would leave a mark......and he was careful not to overreact because why would a guy who was really single overreact like that?

 

So if you say his Mom lives down the street from him, does that mean you have his home address? Or how do you know the listing for his "mother" isn't really his home with the phone in his wife's name? For example...maybe "Jane Smith" isn't his mother but his wife. I know lots of guys who, for a variety of reasons, have the phone in their wife's name. Have you ever met his Mom? Do you know how to make a call and block your number so that it doesn't show up on Caller ID? (where I live, you dial # 67, then wait for the prompt that lets you know your number won't show up on the person's ID......then you dial their #. If I were you, I'd call his "Mom's" number and just see who answers..is it an older lady or a younger one? Do you reach an answering machine/voicemail that says something like "You've reached Jane and ____ (his name), please leave a message after the beep."

 

Have the two of you ever gone out on an actual date? Out for dinner? A movie? Ever spent time together in the light of day? If not, it would seem that he's using as a booty call of sorts.

 

It's funny - he trusts you enough to slip his weiner into ya, but not enough to give you his home number (sorry to be blunt). It's even more crazy due to the fact that you don't even drive..........and he lives outside of the city - surely he can't be afraid you could be some crazy stalker who'll sit outside his house waiting for him.

 

I see no point in giving him any ultimatum....that unless he coughs up his home number and takes you to his home that you want nothing more to do with him..........you deserve a guy who you shouldn't even have to ask for these sorts of things in the first place.

 

Again, where did you meet him?

 

I think there's a lot about him you don't know..and by continuing to sleep with him like this, you could be putting your health at risk big time.

[gloryslee]

Thanks for your response swirlingdaisy. We met at a bar downtown when he was getting off of work at a nearby hotel and I was getting out of class. He told me exactly where he works and what nights, so technically, I could go in there on a given night and see if he is working. He lives an hour outside the city and I live in the city; my apartment is sort of on his way home.

 

As far as his mother's house, he told me he owns his house and his mother's. So when I was researching this on the Internet, it showed two addresses in his name. One of the addresses had only his name and the other had his name and a 62 year old woman's name with his last name. So, I believe he was telling the truth about that situation. And the fact that a woman's name was not also attached to the other address seemed promising.

 

It's partially my fault that this has become a "booty call" situation. I told him when we first started hanging out that I'm moving away when I graduate in December, so I didn't want to get into a long term relationship. I told him I just wanted to have fun. But after we started hanging out for a while, I realized we have all these things in common and click very well. So, that's when I started questioning about his house/relationship, etc. It has lasted this long because I didn't question in the beginning. I still don't want the serious relationship, I just wanted things turned up a notch to where we go and do something together occasionally or I come over to his house sometime.