How to best handle a new romantic partner who is somewhat of a workaholic?

[adilaurentis]

I've recently started seeing a guy and things are getting more serious and overall good. We haven't exactly defined what we are yet but we talk about things in serious and future terms all the time, we've met each other's friends, etc. Mostly the signs are good. However, we live about 30 minutes (of drive) away from each other so we can't just do last minute hangout that easily or stop by each other's place randomly every day after work, although we still try to see each other at one point during the week and definitely on the weekends. The thing is, I've started to notice that although he's always excited to see me during the week and we text each other almost every day, whenever we hang out some evening after work, he tends to appear really tired and disengaged. He'd still try to be "in the zone" but I can usually tell when he's a bit distracted.

 

I understand that he has a really fast paced job and he's in a quite important role at work too and there's literally no slow moment in his life. He's also very ambitious that he wants to gain this huge promotion is three years and you can tell he really gets a lot of satisfaction out of his work. His face would light up too when he talks about a funny moment at work or something that he did well there. So sometimes when we meet during a workday evening, it almost feels like he's there but he's not really there. If a friend gets in touch with him about help with some of their work stuff (and not his own even), he'd want to leave right away and get home and take care of it.

 

I know that to a lot of men work is their priority; my career success is important to me as well. But I personally have zero experience being involved with someone this driven by work. I guess this is what dating is for - getting to know each other and figuring out if they are right for you. I'm in no way a really needy person that requires all of his attention on me, but I do get frustrated sometimes when he's that distracted, which makes me question what I am to him.

[Ruby Slippers]

I was with a guy like this. He was pretty fried at the end of the workday, so on those nights together, we'd do something quiet. I'd often cook him dinner and then we'd cuddle on the couch listening to music and talking, and get to bed relatively early. We saved all the big adventures for weekends, when he was better-rested. And I have to give him credit for strongly defending his weekend time with me against intrusions from work.

 

Personally, I find it appealing when a man is very focused and responsible about his work. I love a hard-working man. I think the two primary directives of a good man are to protect and provide for himself and his woman/family. So I try to be very understanding about the demands of work, including stress and fatigue.

 

If you feel appreciated by him in general, I'd try to cut him some slack on the days he's tired after work. Make those evenings more relaxed and chill, and have the more energetic fun on the weekends.

[empresario]

I am an entrepreneur that works 10+ hours at my company then works 6+ hours on side projects or coaching/advising other companies. Needless to say I am exhausted most of the time.

 

What I need is a woman that will understand that. Relax with me. Talk out issues with me. It's just what I need. And not all women want a guy like that. As you said, that's why you learn about the person.

 

One thing that helps me is the power nap. If I sleep for 15 minutes right when I get home it context wait hes my brain from work to relaxation. Even sitting there in silence with no stimuli helps shift my mentality.

 

Let me ask you...does he use any enhancement medications like adderall?

[adilaurentis]

I am an entrepreneur that works 10+ hours at my company then works 6+ hours on side projects or coaching/advising other companies. Needless to say I am exhausted most of the time.

 

What I need is a woman that will understand that. Relax with me. Talk out issues with me. It's just what I need. And not all women want a guy like that. As you said, that's why you learn about the person.

 

One thing that helps me is the power nap. If I sleep for 15 minutes right when I get home it context wait hes my brain from work to relaxation. Even sitting there in silence with no stimuli helps shift my mentality.

 

Let me ask you...does he use any enhancement medications like adderall?

 

Mmm not sure if he takes any enhancement medications ... Nothing worth noticing on that front from what I've seen at his apartment.

 

Interesting. I definitely realize how people with a demanding job need someone who actually understands them, but I wonder how you usually show someone that you care when you lead such a busy life?

 

This actually reminds me that this guy had actually told me that he has the "nasty habit of letting his job define him too much." Also the main reason that he and his ex-girlfriend broke up was because eventually she couldn't quite deal with his work life anymore and wanted him to take a slower paced position while he absolutely loves what he does, so over time there was some disconnect there.

[adilaurentis]

I was with a guy like this. He was pretty fried at the end of the workday, so on those nights together, we'd do something quiet. I'd often cook him dinner and then we'd cuddle on the couch listening to music and talking, and get to bed relatively early. We saved all the big adventures for weekends, when he was better-rested. And I have to give him credit for strongly defending his weekend time with me against intrusions from work.

 

Personally, I find it appealing when a man is very focused and responsible about his work. I love a hard-working man. I think the two primary directives of a good man are to protect and provide for himself and his woman/family. So I try to be very understanding about the demands of work, including stress and fatigue.

 

If you feel appreciated by him in general, I'd try to cut him some slack on the days he's tired after work. Make those evenings more relaxed and chill, and have the more energetic fun on the weekends.

 

Glad to hear your story. I do feel like on the weekends he's usually more engaged and energized, and is up for all kinds of "adventures" so I agree that some low key plans for workday evenings should be the way to go. I simply find it hard to make sure that I'm not compromising too much and constantly prioritizing his needs over mine.

[h0000]

If he's always very tired seeing you after work maybe you can just see him when he's not working? (just on weekends)

[Ruby Slippers]

I do feel like on the weekends he's usually more engaged and energized, and is up for all kinds of "adventures" so I agree that some low key plans for workday evenings should be the way to go. I simply find it hard to make sure that I'm not compromising too much and constantly prioritizing his needs over mine.

I'm pretty traditional in relationships, so I was always happy to be his soft landing after a grueling workday. I babied him during the week with home cooking, relaxing massages, and good sex. Then the weekends were basically mine, and he'd take me to do anything I wanted to do.

 

I find that when you respect a man's work and help make sure he's getting good rest, he will reward you handsomely as soon as he's rested up and his stamina is recharged.

[d0nnivain]

I don't really see this guy as a workaholic. If he's seeing you on weekdays & trying to be in the moment with you. he's just a guy who is passionate about what he does. Because you already see this as a problem, for his sake I fear that you will be just like his EX-GF & expect him to make fundamental changes because you draw the work/life balance lines in a different place than he does.

 

 

To me workaholics don't date before 10 pm on weekdays & only have a little time on weekends because they work those too.

 

 

Take him as he is or move on. Don't try to get him to work less. That is not who he is.

[Redhead14]

I've recently started seeing a guy and things are getting more serious and overall good. We haven't exactly defined what we are yet but we talk about things in serious and future terms all the time, we've met each other's friends, etc. Mostly the signs are good. However, we live about 30 minutes (of drive) away from each other so we can't just do last minute hangout that easily or stop by each other's place randomly every day after work, although we still try to see each other at one point during the week and definitely on the weekends. The thing is, I've started to notice that although he's always excited to see me during the week and we text each other almost every day, whenever we hang out some evening after work, he tends to appear really tired and disengaged. He'd still try to be "in the zone" but I can usually tell when he's a bit distracted.

 

I understand that he has a really fast paced job and he's in a quite important role at work too and there's literally no slow moment in his life. He's also very ambitious that he wants to gain this huge promotion is three years and you can tell he really gets a lot of satisfaction out of his work. His face would light up too when he talks about a funny moment at work or something that he did well there. So sometimes when we meet during a workday evening, it almost feels like he's there but he's not really there. If a friend gets in touch with him about help with some of their work stuff (and not his own even), he'd want to leave right away and get home and take care of it.

 

I know that to a lot of men work is their priority; my career success is important to me as well. But I personally have zero experience being involved with someone this driven by work. I guess this is what dating is for - getting to know each other and figuring out if they are right for you. I'm in no way a really needy person that requires all of his attention on me, but I do get frustrated sometimes when he's that distracted, which makes me question what I am to him.

 

If he was a true workaholic, he wouldn't be seeing you during the week at all. Be happy he's making this effort. Just go with it, do something quiet and simply cuddle on the couch.

 

Your issue isn't really about this, you really want to know what your relationship status is . . .

 

How long have you been seeing him?

[adilaurentis]

I don't really see this guy as a workaholic. If he's seeing you on weekdays & trying to be in the moment with you. he's just a guy who is passionate about what he does. Because you already see this as a problem, for his sake I fear that you will be just like his EX-GF & expect him to make fundamental changes because you draw the work/life balance lines in a different place than he does.

 

 

To me workaholics don't date before 10 pm on weekdays & only have a little time on weekends because they work those too.

 

 

Take him as he is or move on. Don't try to get him to work less. That is not who he is.

 

Sure. For the record, we've only been seeing each other about one workday evening per week so I don't think I'm completely demanding his full attention or dominating his time. I guess that's also due to the fact that we don't live all that close to each other, or we'd be able to just drop by and do a low key evening in whenever we're both available. He keeps talking about how he gotta work hard and play hard and he also goes to happy hours after work with friends and colleagues. I'm just wondering if he's this distracted or tired during the time he's out with them too?

 

He also has an Apple Watch that buzzes every time there's a call, text, or email, etc., and he has to check immediately. Thank goodness he doesn't wear it on the weekends...

[adilaurentis]

If he was a true workaholic, he wouldn't be seeing you during the week at all. Be happy he's making this effort. Just go with it, do something quiet and simply cuddle on the couch.

 

Your issue isn't really about this, you really want to know what your relationship status is . . .

 

How long have you been seeing him?

 

You may be right. We've been seeing each other for about a month and a half. It seems like we've done everything there's to do for new couples but we still haven't officially discussed what we are to each other. Last week when I met his friends he simply introduced me with my name and his friends had already heard a lot about me so they knew what's going on. He seemed to have dropped hints about getting exclusive or becoming the boyfriend, but I may not have picked up on it, or I'm still under the impression that he's not too sure.

[d0nnivain]

However, we live about 30 minutes (of drive) away from each other so we can't just do last minute hangout that easily or stop by each other's place randomly every day after work,

 

 

I guess that's also due to the fact that we don't live all that close to each other, or we'd be able to just drop by and do a low key evening in whenever we're both available.

 

I guess we're different. Where you see this 30 minute distance as insurmountable & preventing spontaneous get togethers, I see it as you two living quite nearby. Most of the men I dated as an adult lived over an hour away without traffic.

 

His inability to unplug during the week would annoy me too. I think that is more a function of technology then a workaholic because you don't know if those beeps are work related or somebody posted on his FB page.

[Redhead14]

You may be right. We've been seeing each other for about a month and a half. It seems like we've done everything there's to do for new couples but we still haven't officially discussed what we are to each other. Last week when I met his friends he simply introduced me with my name and his friends had already heard a lot about me so they knew what's going on. He seemed to have dropped hints about getting exclusive or becoming the boyfriend, but I may not have picked up on it, or I'm still under the impression that he's not too sure.

 

It's maybe a little too early to declare boyfriend/girlfriend. He may be thinking of going that way at least. If you're being intimate though, you should be exclusive at least.

 

Don't push things at this point, give it a little bit more time. If he doesn't bring it up, you can say something like "I'm really enjoying the time we've been spending together and I don't want to see anyone else" and then let him talk.

[Miss Peach]

What I need is a woman that will understand that. Relax with me. Talk out issues with me. It's just what I need. And not all women want a guy like that. As you said, that's why you learn about the person.

 

 

I agree with this.

 

 

OP - I sound a lot like your guy. I am in a male-dominated field in a pretty powerful role with a fast paced company. I work with a lot of men who sound like this guy and have dated some myself.

 

I am usually very mentally spent when I get home. So anything low key and non-demanding help me a lot. I really appreciate it when a guy I'm seeing will get some take out and a movie or something like that so I can relax and unwind. This is especially important to me during the week.

 

I would also see if he is an introvert or extrovert. I am an introvert and they are common in my field. So the idea of R&R during the week is important. If they are extroverted they may relax better in something social like a happy hour than the take out and movie I suggested above.

 

A lot of these guys will also vent about things they are doing. So be prepared to listen.

 

My best advice after trying to date guys like this is to ask questions and keep your eyes open as to how he treats his friends and family. I've dated guys who have initially made time for me but eventually won't once the relationship isn't new and shiny. If he makes time for his friends and family it's a good sign he knows how to prioritize his life and won't ALWAYS choose work first. One workaholic I dated missed his best friend's wedding. I which I had paid more attention to things like that. I would be cautious of the guy who ALWAYS prioritized work above everything, won't push back on deadlines, takes on too much, etc. Many of the guys I work with that are THAT driven are not good guys to date IMO and I have felt very sorry for their wives. I have seen many of them do horrible things to get ahead like lie, push people down, etc.