Red-432 Posted October 30, 2015 Share Posted October 30, 2015 So me and my partner have been together roughly around the ten month mark. Everything was great if course you get the honeymoon period etc and around five months in we decided to give it a shot moving in together. Now just a little back information. I have been in emotional and mentally abusive relationships in the past. My previous partner more or less destroyed any confidence I had or any kind of ability to trust someone, so naturally I do find it hard to trust. It's not that I do not want to, it's the fact that I no longer really know how to anymore. Now I have been making progress of course I did learn to trust my current partner. I'm always active in the gym etc which of course gave me stability and brought my confidence back into place. Getting back to the issue, at first I never had a issue with my current girlfriend. I trusted her, I never snooped through her stuff, I didn't question her, it honestly felt great to be able to do all of these things again. Yet she did do a couple of things which made me wary, when I witnessed how drunk she gets every now and then which i was concerned for her putting herself at risk. Now I know this was just my own insecurity so I brushed the matter off. Yet not long after I moved in I noticed a message on her phone from a guy she apparently use to be close with, him telling her that he knows she loves him still etc and she agreed in a playful way (after that I did snoop) (yes I know I should never have but couldn't help it after what I saw) so obviously my trust in her began to drop. Now she has been texting this older dude at work who is known for being s home wrecker, literally. ( yes I know I should not have snooped again but we are past this point now ) she has been flirting with him, and it is her initiating the message, with him telling her she is a bad girl, etc. Now before this I thought we had a relationship where we could talk about anything literally. She has even told me she wants to try for a baby next year. But truthfully I don't know whether I can honestly trust her. know I have screwed up by snooping, I'm a **** up the usual blah blah etc, but right now I'm taking about her. Am I just over sensitive? Like is that by regular standard of a couple talking about buying s property and trying for a child in the next nine months honestly harmless behavior flirting around with the male whore of the work space? I just need some clarity, some understanding, am I overlooking this too much or has she generally gone over bounds a little? Appreciate honest answers about the situation. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted October 30, 2015 Share Posted October 30, 2015 IMO you moved in too soon. 5 months is way too fast. You are in essence living with a stranger. You snooped & you found something. At the very least you cannot have a baby with this woman. Come clean. Tell her what you discovered & talk about it. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
PegNosePete Posted October 30, 2015 Share Posted October 30, 2015 I have screwed up by snooping, I'm a **** up the usual blah blah In my opinion the end justifies the means. You were right to snoop because she is being unfaithful to you. If you had found nothing, then you would have been wrong to snoop. But you didn't - your suspicions were confirmed. I don't know whether I can honestly trust her. You know that you can't trust her because she is flirting with other guys behind your back! That is not someone you can trust! This guy at work, flirting with him, and no doubt interacting with him in real life at work. Who knows what else has happened? If it hasn't turned physical already then it's probably only a matter of time until it does. Personally I would end the relationship. But if you insist on keeping a partner you can't trust, you need to lay down the law. But as I said, personally I don't want to be a prison guard in my relationship. If you can't trust someone then the relationship is pretty doomed. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
salparadise Posted October 30, 2015 Share Posted October 30, 2015 I just need some clarity, some understanding, am I overlooking this too much or has she generally gone over bounds a little? You are right to be concerned. At a minimum she has a need for sexual attention that you have been unaware of up until now. With her being the initiator, and him saying she's a bad girl, I'd definitely be investigating what that comment might be referencing. Snooping isn't wrong when you have good reason to believe something might be going on. Don't confront her until you figure out what's actually going on and the extent of it. You need to know if she has character deficits before you start making babies. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Red-432 Posted October 30, 2015 Author Share Posted October 30, 2015 Thanks guys, it is good to know its not just all in my head. Just to clarify we do work at the same place and fir half of our shift we are based on the same floor but don't really see each other or interact. So I do know this guy. I haven't seen anything at work out of place just the messages. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
PegNosePete Posted October 30, 2015 Share Posted October 30, 2015 fir half of our shift we are based on the same floor So for the other half you are not. Now you have this information and the knowledge that her behaviour is not acceptable - what are you going to do about it? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Red-432 Posted October 30, 2015 Author Share Posted October 30, 2015 Like Salpsradise stated. I need to investigate the degree and extent of what is actually going on. I will let it pan out a little longer I think And strike when I get more information. That is when I will confront her. Thank you again guys. One of the worst things I can think of is having a child with someone who I can't trust and build an honest life with. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
PegNosePete Posted October 30, 2015 Share Posted October 30, 2015 Okay. In that case you need to go full stealth. Do not give her the slightest inclination that you are onto her. If she realizes she's being watched she will take it totally underground. You won't see any more evidence, and what evidence you've already seen will be completely burned. Keep checking her messages when she's in the shower etc. A voice-activated recorder velcro'd under her car seat is a good start; people involved in affairs often talk in their car. Don't wait around for too long, either. You don't need 100% evidence to confront; what she's already done is totally unacceptable. And it may not have gone physical yet, so confronting earlier may prevent that. Plenty of advice can be given when you do decide to confront. Just pop back here and ask when you're ready. You don't need 100% evidence, but you do need 100% commitment to the confrontation process. Don't go in half cocked and get fobbed off. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Red-432 Posted October 30, 2015 Author Share Posted October 30, 2015 So what kind of advice would you actually give for confronting her? Just so I have some idea? Do I end it regardless? If not and I admit to snooping and we do try and work through how do j know she just won't erase any content if she does it again? I can't trust her it seems like I have no option. Link to post Share on other sites
PegNosePete Posted October 30, 2015 Share Posted October 30, 2015 Do I end it regardless? After just 10 months I would definitely just end it, yes. This is supposed to be the honeymoon phase, when you're totally smitten with each other. Her going around chasing other guys is a really bad sign at this point. She is showing you that she is untrustworthy, and showing you what your future together will look like. If not and I admit to snooping and we do try and work through how do j know she just won't erase any content if she does it again? I can't trust her it seems like I have no option. First, you do not admit to snooping. You tell her that you know EVERYTHING. She will of course play innocent/stupid so you tell her you know what's going on between her and X (give his name) but don't say any more than that. At this point she will start to worry/panic, not knowing how much you know. She will likely ask how you know but you reply that it doesn't matter, you just know, so she might as well come clean and tell you the whole story. Stick to your guns. Do not let her BS you, but do not reveal the source of your knowledge. Just say it doesn't matter, and tell her not to change the subject. This is about what she's done, not about how you know. If she just lies, lies and lies then you need to simply end it there and then. Look up and become familiar with trickle truth, gaslighting, and blame shifting. They are all tactics a cheater will use when confronted. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
salparadise Posted October 30, 2015 Share Posted October 30, 2015 Just say it doesn't matter, and tell her not to change the subject. This is about what she's done, not about how you know. If she just lies, lies and lies then you need to simply end it there and then. Look up and become familiar with trickle truth, gaslighting, and blame shifting. They are all tactics a cheater will use when confronted. Yes, and another tip... let's say you've gathered five pieces of factual evidence. When you confront her, you only reveal one, perhaps the least conclusive piece. Give her a chance to explain and see if she makes up a big lie, then reveal the second piece which outs the lie and watch it morph and expand. One fact at a time. Don't give up everything you know; it's best if she doesn't know what you know. Once she starts lying, you have all the information you need to make the decision. If this is indeed as it appears, be thankful you figured it out before having a kid or getting married. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted October 30, 2015 Share Posted October 30, 2015 good lord just go up to her, admit what you know and then dump her. What? you just going to stand there and believe her explanation? NO don't waste your time playing games with her. Don't go by what she tells you, go by her actions...her actions are obvious. Tip: don't date coworkers. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Satu Posted October 30, 2015 Share Posted October 30, 2015 Relationships should have boundaries just like individuals. Those boundaries are to keep the good stuff in and the bad stuff out. She's actively violating those boundaries, and you've been reduced to 'policing' them, which is a miserable and futile task. Hand in your badge and move on. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
lolablue17 Posted October 30, 2015 Share Posted October 30, 2015 You problem is that you don't trust yourself. You connect everything with your insecurities, forgetting that "if you're paranoid, it doesn't mean that no one is chasing you". Stop being so insecure about your feelings. Now, think carefully: Let's say there's nothing more to it - Are you Ok with your Gf initiating flirting texts to other dudes? (I wouldn't, Especially when she's secretive about it) You have all the rights to be sensitive about trust issues. This is who you are, and she has to realize that. She might want to leave and hook up with other guys that have no problems with flirting. Men who hates their Gf's to flirt can be also hot merchandise in the market because it means you'll be faithful. All those players will definitely cheat on her. So, if she prefer a solid faithful guy, it also comes with some insecurities (in you case). I agree with the others. Collect information as much as you can. After a while if you don't find anything, you have all the right to confront her and tell her that it is not Ok to flirt with other guys, and it is not Ok to hide things from you. If she blames your insecurities, admit it and tell her that's who you are, and with her behavior, she definitely doesn't help you to improve yourself. Link to post Share on other sites
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