Update: [Ex-husband] Playing Games

[BlueDress]

They dressed like people who do those rainbow runs. With the color paint. My husband was fine but she was in a wheelchair so they made it look like a portapotty. Like she was sitting on a portable toilet. Wearing a big fluffy tutu thing. She even has toilet paper with candy on it that when the kids pulled it candy fell out. They weren't even really costumes. They had that stuff anyway. The kids said for Halloween the twins are dragons and she's sitting on a sword chair and is a queen. I think Game of Thrones? I can only guess how bad that will be. My husband is a king of some sort. I get they wanted to be dragons but why when they can match the other two?

 

I am thinking of the kids. I don't know what she's taking and they won't tell me and they didn't tell the court. For all I know she's abusing painkillers or taking something that makes her crazy. I don't want the kids to be around that. If I was sick it would be different. I'm their mother. I can take care of them. She can take care of her kids but I don't want her near mine. The kids are very close. Not seeing the twins will be hard on our kids. I want to avoid that.

 

Weekends are usually mine but on holidays we split 50/50. We went to court and got her away from the kids. She can't be alone with them until we have our hearing. I said he could have them if she wasn't around them. He didn't say he was going to bring her when I was making plans. We are supposed to split tomorrow but I won't until I know she won't be with her and they'll be where I can go too.

 

This isn't about the affair they had. My lawyer says that I can't even call it that because it legally wasn't. I think it was. It's just about returning things to normal.

[anna121]

Weekends are usually mine but on holidays we split 50/50. We went to court and got her away from the kids. She can't be alone with them until we have our hearing.

 

Can you please explain the basis on which you got a court to agree that she must be "away" from your kids? They are married, correct? They live in the same house, correct?

 

Did the court terminate your ex's part-time custody of your children?

 

And....she was in a wheelchair.

 

There are no words.

[Mount]

Your Ex-husband was so right to divorce you, and your lawyer was right too - you can not call their (your exhusband and his current wife) relationship as affair.

 

Let them go, find yourself a man (hopefully single) and get a life.

[BlueDress]

My lawyer filed a motion to investigate their household for suitability. Until it can be reviewed I asked the kids not be alone with her. It was granted. They asked what medications she was on and my husband didn't know. The judge asked if she was prescribed pain ills he said yes. He was asked if they were filled and he said yes. He asked if she had gotten refile. He said she had but not used them and they didn't request them. They are only allowed a certain number of medications filled locally and the rest have to come from their mail order pharmacy. He said after surgery she came home with pain medications and took them all. But the doctor sent a refil prescription to their delivery pharmacy that was filled and sent automatically. The judge asked if she was on other medications and he said she was but he didn't know what. He was asked if it impaired her and he said no. My lawyer hammered him though. She's not impaired but her sister is living with them to help with the kids? She doesn't feel comfortable driving? She can't work? Made no sense. He said it was because she was in pain and not taking pain meds. But he said she didn't need them and don't take them? He was caught in a lie.

 

The judge said she couldn't be alone with them until it could be reviewed. He wanted a chance to get paperwork from insurance and doctors.

 

His custody isn't terminated. She can't be around them alone and I won't agree to her sister watching them. She abandoned her own kids to her husband to come here. She makes questionable parenting choices too. Her sister wouldn't even talk to me today at the kids stuff today. Ok now you can't watch my kids, how about that?

 

My kids don't need to be around her. They need their father. They need their father to step up and provide for them. Legally he owes me more than her. It's the way it is and I let him slide for too long. The taking away support was what started this anyway. Not anything I did. I'm not wrong for looking out for my kids since he won't. I even have to go to court to force him to give me access to their trusts! That isn't ok.

[SoulCat]

BlueDress, out of curiosity, is your ex aware of the fact that you - after having been divorced for longer than you were married - still refer to him as 'my husband'?

[Lurkeraspect]

My lawyer filed a motion to investigate their household for suitability. Until it can be reviewed I asked the kids not be alone with her. It was granted. They asked what medications she was on and my husband didn't know. The judge asked if she was prescribed pain ills he said yes. He was asked if they were filled and he said yes. He asked if she had gotten refile. He said she had but not used them and they didn't request them. They are only allowed a certain number of medications filled locally and the rest have to come from their mail order pharmacy. He said after surgery she came home with pain medications and took them all. But the doctor sent a refil prescription to their delivery pharmacy that was filled and sent automatically. The judge asked if she was on other medications and he said she was but he didn't know what. He was asked if it impaired her and he said no. My lawyer hammered him though. She's not impaired but her sister is living with them to help with the kids? She doesn't feel comfortable driving? She can't work? Made no sense. He said it was because she was in pain and not taking pain meds. But he said she didn't need them and don't take them? He was caught in a lie.

 

The judge said she couldn't be alone with them until it could be reviewed. He wanted a chance to get paperwork from insurance and doctors.

 

His custody isn't terminated. She can't be around them alone and I won't agree to her sister watching them. She abandoned her own kids to her husband to come here. She makes questionable parenting choices too. Her sister wouldn't even talk to me today at the kids stuff today. Ok now you can't watch my kids, how about that?

 

My kids don't need to be around her. They need their father. They need their father to step up and provide for them. Legally he owes me more than her. It's the way it is and I let him slide for too long. The taking away support was what started this anyway. Not anything I did. I'm not wrong for looking out for my kids since he won't. I even have to go to court to force him to give me access to their trusts! That isn't ok.

 

You know what, blue dress? Your goal of reconciliation is dead. This man will never forgive you for your hatred. Don't blame him, that's all on you. If/when she dies, this man will never forgive you for the games you've played. Your goal is sunk. You couldn't plan things any different than an ex wife scorned. There's a reason he left you, and there's a reason he'll never reconcile with you. That's all on you. Please think about your kids. Because you're not. It's all about you and a seven year, dead relationship.

[BlueDress]

I refer to him by name in real life.

[BlueDress]

I want to reconcile but right now I have to focus on other things. The kids. Finances. Anytime I try to talk about getting back together he shoots it down. They're in denial about her anyway. They talk like she will be ok eventually. Who knows. I think it will take more time. He'll come back for the kids.

 

Stop saying I don't think of the kids. I think of them all the time. I want them to have a good life. I want to give them a real life. Not some fantasy where we roll in mud and throw chalk at each other. It's great she can travel and they can act like children. It's not real life. I don't play with this fantasy life they create.

[Mr. Lucky]

She makes questionable parenting choices too. Her sister wouldn't even talk to me today at the kids stuff today.

 

You should be glad it wasn't my sister there. Under similar circumstances, I'd guess she'd have plenty to say.

 

You're damaging your children with all this delusion and self-created drama. Just as you're harming your ex's terminally ill and wheelchair-bound spouse. But it doesn't seem any of that matters to you, your interest is in some Hail Mary to get him back. Hard to read, but worse for everyone involved - you included...

 

Mr. Lucky

[minimariah]

wait... you took her to the court because she's ill? she is ill and you used that to take her to the court under some false suspicion that she's abusing her medications?

 

you're incredibly cruel. i can't even imagine what is that poor woman going through... and her husband...? this is so sad.

 

i hope they both hit you back with a lawsuit and take the custody away from you. you're a seriously dangerous person.

[anna121]

Legally he owes me more than her. It's the way it is and I let him slide for too long.

 

But it's not really the way it is...is it?

 

Or are you just talking about money?

 

In any event, I assume you have abandoned the plan to get back with him. Which is good.

[BlueDress]

I haven't given up on it. Only focusing on what needs my attention until he comes back and the affair fog lifts.

[trippi1432]

I haven't given up on it. Only focusing on what needs my attention until he comes back and the affair fog lifts.

 

There is this other side of an affair fog, it's the one who is still caught up in what isn't there anymore. I've seen that many have said that to you here on the threads....I have a friend in RL (not LS life) who thought like this too.

 

I can understand your hurt BlueDress, sharing your husband and your children is a hard thing on any woman, but there does come a point where you have to let go. My friend's EX-husband stood by his wife until she died of Lupus; however, all of the drama almost lost all of them one of their children. That child went to live with her grandmother due to all the drama, she didn't want anything to do with either of her parents....but she loved the step-parent who passed away and you just can't take that away from a child.

 

This was a pivotal point in mine and my RL friend's conversation, the new wife was no longer a point, how much of her life had she lost and at what cost?

 

You just need to be honest with yourself, my friend has done really well without court, without a man/husband (and to her own admission, he was a good man/husband) and today she is happy with her life and her two girls. You are asking too much and trying too hard to insert yourself into others lives. Once my RL friend got this, she learned to live for herself and her kids. Much better outcome.

[MidwestUSA]

 

Stop saying I don't think of the kids. I think of them all the time. I want them to have a good life. I want to give them a real life. Not some fantasy where we roll in mud and throw chalk at each other. It's great she can travel and they can act like children. It's not real life. I don't play with this fantasy life they create.

 

If you got a job, you could probably afford the chalk you're so obviously envious of. You might even be able to travel!

 

You can probably find the mud for free tho, from the same place you've been slinging it all along.

[MidwestUSA]

I haven't given up on it. Only focusing on what needs my attention until he comes back and the affair fog lifts.

 

It's not an affair, it's a marriage.

[dreamingoftigers]

I want to reconcile but right now I have to focus on other things. The kids. Finances. Anytime I try to talk about getting back together he shoots it down. They're in denial about her anyway. They talk like she will be ok eventually. Who knows. I think it will take more time. He'll come back for the kids.

 

Stop saying I don't think of the kids. I think of them all the time. I want them to have a good life. I want to give them a real life. Not some fantasy where we roll in mud and throw chalk at each other. It's great she can travel and they can act like children. It's not real life. I don't play with this fantasy life they create.

 

This man isn't going anywhere.

 

He's been in the same place for over half of a decade, has had a long long time to compare and contrast. He's sticking it out with his terminally ill wife and has shown you that you can take a flying leap in so many ways.

 

Maybe they have a "fantasy life" together. But clearly he isn't into a Nightmare Life with a woman who wrecks holidays and drags him to court over his wife's illness. Who would be?

 

You're mad and using passive-aggressive techniques to ruin things for them.

 

It's kind of like the teenage girl's Dad who says "you can't date him, I forbid it." Guess what? She won't listen to it anyway, in fact she will covertly or overtly see who she wants to anyhow.

 

And, honestly, he should stay AWAY from you for the sake of the kids. They have stability and have for a long time. A Stepmother who takes an interest them, does fun things etc. Then their biological mother WRECKS IT.

 

They will remember how you treated their Stepmother when she was sick and/or dying and all of the stress you caused their father.

[sandylee1]

Bluedress

 

Do you have close friends or family in real life? People who you can confide in and who would encourage you to get a grip on reality? If my sister saw me acting this way she'd knock some sense into me. She'd be making sure I was dating and that I always looked on point and that the Ex was simply the father of my kids......nothing more.

 

Did you ever have any therapy after he left you?

 

It's very important to have IC , especially for someone who experienced a double betrayal like this. Whilst I totally agree you should move on ........ I wonder how many people posting here would feel if your ex friend was now your kids stepmother. It's bad enough when it was an affair and he doesn't leave...but this is a whole different ball game.

 

If you only had the goal of making their life hell, then you'd be going about it the right way. However, you have this notion of reconciliation , which is simply delusional under the circumstances.

 

There are exs who reunite , but this is really not one of those situations.

 

I'm sure the both of them hate the way they got together. I'm sure they know that you wouldn't be like this, if she married him under different circumstances. I'm also sure it must be very painful having to share your kids with a former friend who is now your kids stepmother. Your so called friend.........then marries your husband - that's a hard pill to swallow and I don't think I'd ever get over it......it would ALWAYS be painful....but that wouldn't mean I'd want him back.

Whether their marriage has been 6 years or more.....it doesn't mean you suddenly accept it....but you do have to get a grip and stop reconciliation thoughts....it just ain't happening.

 

 

I think the trauma from it all has turned you into a different person. I don't think you were like this before, but infidelity changes some people beyond recognition and I think that's happened to you.....and it's very sad.

 

They both betrayed you very badly. Your Ex should have been off limits to her. .....but she ignored that. No true friend does what she did, so I fully understand how you feel about her. She should never have done what she did and just because she's ill now doesn't erase the past..........BUT you need more self worth and self respect.

 

Even IF your Ex came crawling back to you..........you should say a mighty big 'hell no'...never mind wanting him back. Don't forget that HE betrayed you with a friend....what does that really say about how loyal and fantastic he is.

 

If you work on moving forward and creating a happy home, with a new partner , your kids will find your home is a fun place to be. Your home will be a family environment just like your Exes is now.

[BlueDress]

I have friends and family. My friends are supportive. My family knows how I feel. My mother believes I'm doing the right thing. She believes we are still spiritually married. Legal divorce holds no court in the eyes of The Lord.

 

I have dated and there was no point to it. It's not the same as what had with my husband. It just reminded me he is where I belong.

 

Today has been a wash. He said he has a right to the kids and it is supported by our custody agreement. My lawyer agrees but says to let him and we will bring it to court if he violates having her with them alone.

 

He also pulled a fast one to get out of taking her off his insurance and putting me on instead. I have to weigh my options because he is being really manipulative to avoid putting me back on his insurance.

[MidwestUSA]

I need to know how this insurance deal works. I have a nonrelative I'd like to insure too.

 

Can you explain?

[Lurkeraspect]

I need to know how this insurance deal works. I have a nonrelative I'd like to insure too.

 

Can you explain?

 

Right?

 

My ex husband would die laughing if I demanded that he cover me on his insurance. He has no obligation to you, other than taking care of his kids, and that cost is typically split.

 

Blue dress, your "spiritual marriage" theory doesn't wash in a court of law, no matter how much you wish it did.

[sandylee1]

I have friends and family. My friends are supportive. My family knows how I feel. My mother believes I'm doing the right thing. She believes we are still spiritually married. Legal divorce holds no court in the eyes of The Lord.

 

I have dated and there was no point to it. It's not the same as what had with my husband. It just reminded me he is where I belong.

 

Today has been a wash. He said he has a right to the kids and it is supported by our custody agreement. My lawyer agrees but says to let him and we will bring it to court if he violates having her with them alone.

 

He also pulled a fast one to get out of taking her off his insurance and putting me on instead. I have to weigh my options because he is being really manipulative to avoid putting me back on his insurance.

 

It's a terrible shame that your friends and family can't get you to move on from this. It's very very unusual to have them support you under these circumstances....it's not healthy at all.

 

I can't recall how old your kids are again , but do you ever wonder what kind of example your setting them? In terms of being independent and not being a doormat? Do you want them to be grown up and think how weak and lacking in self respect you are to even want him back?

 

Would you really encourage your own kids to act like this in the future, if they had the misfortune of being betrayed?

 

Wouldn't you rather your child moved on and found someone who loved them? Because I'm not quite sure if this has sank in yet.....but your ex doesn't love you...and he didn't at the time he left you or he would have stayed.

 

Lots of men have affairs.....but very few leave their wives.........what is so broken inside you, that you want a man who doesn't love you?

 

That's what you really need to seek therapy for.

[SoulCat]

He also pulled a fast one to get out of taking her off his insurance and putting me on instead. I have to weigh my options because he is being really manipulative to avoid putting me back on his insurance.

 

 

Why would you still after 6 whole years, need to be on his insurance?

You are not his wife anymore, she is. And since she's seriously ill, she needs it more than you do.

 

I really don't see it as being manipulative. I see it as taking care of the needs of his nearest and dearest. Unfortunately, that does not include you.

I think you're just using it as yet another thing to keep you tied to your ex husband.

 

 

When my ex husband left me for someone else I lost the private healthcare benefits I had through his work. Instead of getting all worked up about it, I made sure I got a job that offered me my own private healthcare package.

 

 

Cutting ties and letting go can be very cathartic. You should try it sometime.

[BlueDress]

I'd want my kids to do what makes them happy. Go for what they want. Not be taken advantage of. I want them in a two parent household where their father and mother live together. Go to bed together. If they do what I do to get it I'm ok with that.

 

When we divorced I was on my husbands insurance and he had to keep me on it until he remarried. He married her and pushed me off but my lawyer says he can make a case of it. He says I should have been notified but I only got a 14 days notice. There's no point in it now. He told me he's ending his insurance. He's going on hers with the kids. He told me by the time the court date hits it'll be done. I thought she didn't have insurance with her job. Why get married for his? It doesn't make sense.

 

I need insurance. I don't have any. I need it more than she does. If something happens to me then what?

[Haydn]

Why don`t you just let this go now?

 

I have read the posts here and your other posts. You think this bloke will want you after all this? No insane or sane bloke would. His wife is sick and from all accounts according to your posts treats the kids wonderfully.

 

This is fantasy....Employing lawyers to drag out things...You are damaging your kids more than you realise.

 

Why don`t you take a big step way from this and think about `you` having a new beginning? You having another shot at life instead of making someone else`s life a misery because he hurt you?

 

Let him go and come to a good and practical arrangement for your kids future.

 

It`s really not about you.

[SoulCat]

I need insurance. I don't have any. I need it more than she does.

 

 

You, a healthy and able-bodied woman, needs insurance more than a wheelchair-bound cancer sufferer?

 

In what universe?