Author BlueDress Posted November 7, 2015 Author Share Posted November 7, 2015 (edited) I've forgiven him for the affair. I'll forgive him this other stuff too. Like with going to work he always proves his intentions. Her I don't forgive. I don't need to. Every day she does something else to break this forgiveness. This is why I don't need church right now. I'm not angry at God. I'm angry at her. God knows why I feel what I feel. I don't need another group of people in my life telling me what I should feel. Why I should feel it. Why I'm wrong if I don't do what they say I should. I have a husband who divorced me for that. His friends. His family. My family. That's enough for me. I don't need somebody else saying God is on that list too. For a divorce I didn't want. For an affair I didn't ask for. For a relationship I want to fix. She needs to get straight with God not me. I know where I stand. God knows how I feel. God knows the promises I made. God knows what I want. Why I want it. Edited November 7, 2015 by BlueDress Link to post Share on other sites
Lurkeraspect Posted November 7, 2015 Share Posted November 7, 2015 My mother is religious and says we are still married in the eyes of God. I don't know if I believe that I said. My mother is conservative. I'm not really. Faith doesn't mean the same thing to me it does to her. My husband said he was religious. I don't think that's the case either. Church might be great for you. I don't think it's great for me right now. It's not about bluffing you. My parents church makes me uncomfortable. The church I turned to when he left I don't like. It's filled with his coworkers. I don't have the energy to go out there to find a new church. I don't want that obligation. I don't want to be around more people right now. I don't want a group to go to where I spill my guts out. I feel like everybody knows me. Or knows them. I do better with people I know and trust. Or people who don't know me. I know what church does for people. I grew up with it. I don't want that right now. For me. My whole life feels like it's one big obligation to other people. Him. Her. Kids. Work. Family. Lawyers. Court. I don't want more obligations. Expectations. I want a life that belongs to me at some point. Maybe it's a paranoid thing to say. I don't know. It's just I don't want a wider circle like that. I want less not more. The last time I felt like I had a bit of my own life was with my husband. Things just worked. Of course you're tired. You've spent 6 years micromanaging him, her and the court system to try and get something back that's gone. Most of your anguish is caused not by him or her. It's all self inflicted. Because you refuse to let go. how many more years are you willing to waste on a dream? You must know on some level that he's not coming back. He's not. Why not get to the business of making yourself happy. Forget them and quit trying to figure out their marriage. It obviously works for them. As long as he takes care of your children, you should be happy. His obligation is not to you, hasn't been for many years. I know you say that you can't forgive her, yet why do you so easily forgive him? After all, he was who you were married to, not her. He left of his own free will, she didn't drag him out of your house, he left because he was done. It's really a choice. You can continue to waste another 6 years, making everyone's life (to include yours) hell, or you can get on with living. Your choice. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
StBreton Posted November 7, 2015 Share Posted November 7, 2015 What do you find joy in Blue? Tell us about the last time you felt joy. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author BlueDress Posted November 11, 2015 Author Share Posted November 11, 2015 I'm happy. I do things that make me happy. Just now is frustrating. Link to post Share on other sites
underpants Posted November 11, 2015 Share Posted November 11, 2015 We talk with the lawyers and judge Tuesday at 10. He was served today so I guess that comes up Tuesday too. So, how did court go? Link to post Share on other sites
Author BlueDress Posted November 11, 2015 Author Share Posted November 11, 2015 They didn't think she was unfit to be around the kids. Even though she didn't argue she took pain pills after surgery. Or has refills. I have to take my husband off the bills. He can't pay them anymore. I have to agree to remove his name. He told the judge that he wanted to go back on FMLA again. Pay the reduced amount. The judge rejected it. He said he only went off FMLA because he was forced to pay my bills. Even though his name is on them. He showed paperwork that I don't even know what it was. My lawyer never saw it. Then the judge sided with him. Like usual. Custody wasn't decided. He filed full custody without telling me. Judge forced us into mediation and if we can't agree he will make an order. I'm following that I have full custody like my lawyer said. The kids stay with me until we agree in mediation. He wasn't happy. I told him he had to start compromising. He won't compromise visitation he says. I told him he needs to start making some sacrifices. He said I'm getting some letter. I don't know. He said she is terminal in court again. My lawyer is requesting disclosure on her will. He refused to disclose it. She has a lawyer from her insurance that will have to respond. My lawyer thinks he is set up for a windfall which means he has responsibilities to us to pay out of it. She can't legally leave him out of her will and I don't think he will declare it. He came to get the kids Sunday. I had them at a friends house. We talked. I don't know where we stand. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
underpants Posted November 11, 2015 Share Posted November 11, 2015 You may want to up that 10 hr a week job. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
wmacbride Posted November 11, 2015 Share Posted November 11, 2015 OP, I understand that you love your kids dearly, but I also sense that this situation is hurting them. If you were to ask them what they wnated to have happen ( barring you and you ex getting back together) what do you think their answer would be? I know it hurts and seems vastly unfair, but taking the high road will pay you back in spades.For your children's sake, try getting along with your ex as well as you can. That means making the first move and offering to sit down with him and have a reasonable discussion about the kids. I would suggest that you have a neutral third party there, and his new wife not be included. See if you two can work something out before the court does it for you. Link to post Share on other sites
dreamingoftigers Posted November 11, 2015 Share Posted November 11, 2015 They didn't think she was unfit to be around the kids. Even though she didn't argue she took pain pills after surgery. Or has refills. I have to take my husband off the bills. He can't pay them anymore. I have to agree to remove his name. He told the judge that he wanted to go back on FMLA again. Pay the reduced amount. The judge rejected it. He said he only went off FMLA because he was forced to pay my bills. Even though his name is on them. He showed paperwork that I don't even know what it was. My lawyer never saw it. Then the judge sided with him. Like usual. Custody wasn't decided. He filed full custody without telling me. Judge forced us into mediation and if we can't agree he will make an order. I'm following that I have full custody like my lawyer said. The kids stay with me until we agree in mediation. He wasn't happy. I told him he had to start compromising. He won't compromise visitation he says. I told him he needs to start making some sacrifices. He said I'm getting some letter. I don't know. He said she is terminal in court again. My lawyer is requesting disclosure on her will. He refused to disclose it. She has a lawyer from her insurance that will have to respond. My lawyer thinks he is set up for a windfall which means he has responsibilities to us to pay out of it. She can't legally leave him out of her will and I don't think he will declare it. He came to get the kids Sunday. I had them at a friends house. We talked. I don't know where we stand. If he doesn't hate you by now, it's only because Jesus must've warmed his heart. I can't imagine the garbage you've put him through, and expect him to come home? Unbelievable. Sure you want what you want. But punching someone in the legal gut over and over to get an extra $5 a month is sure to alienate then, not make them feel really happy about you. EVER. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
Steen719 Posted November 11, 2015 Share Posted November 11, 2015 My lawyer thinks he is set up for a windfall which means he has responsibilities to us to pay out of it. She can't legally leave him out of her will and I don't think he will declare it. Does this mean the back child support he owes you when he was on Family leave (the difference is what is normally paid)? Is child support based on each child in your state or how much money the ex-spouse (who is paying) makes or has or is left? Surely after 6 years, you would not be eligible for his "windfall" other than back pay. Other than that, it doesn't seem that you can get anything else from her estate. What else could he owe you that he would have to use that for? Do you get alimony? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted November 11, 2015 Share Posted November 11, 2015 We talked. I don't know where we stand. I'd guess pretty much in the same place you've been for the last 6 years - divorced from a man who's married to someone else. The maneuvering to cut yourself a piece of her estate - your "windfall" - when she has kids of her own is pretty disgusting... Mr. Lucky 7 Link to post Share on other sites
cocorico Posted November 11, 2015 Share Posted November 11, 2015 If his real wife is smart, she'll leave her entire estate to her kids, in trust, to keep the money-grubbing xW away from it. 8 Link to post Share on other sites
Author BlueDress Posted November 11, 2015 Author Share Posted November 11, 2015 He doesn't owe back pay on child support. She can't leave everything to the kids. She has to include him too. Link to post Share on other sites
cocorico Posted November 11, 2015 Share Posted November 11, 2015 She can't leave everything to the kids. She has to include him too. I don't know where you live, but where I live you can leave your estate to whomever you please - including your cat. 7 Link to post Share on other sites
Sandy43 Posted November 11, 2015 Share Posted November 11, 2015 What did he say on the Sunday when he picked up the kids? Why do you feel that you should profit from her death? Why should you be entitled to any money from this? 7 Link to post Share on other sites
hotgurl Posted November 11, 2015 Share Posted November 11, 2015 I'd guess pretty much in the same place you've been for the last 6 years - divorced from a man who's married to someone else. The maneuvering to cut yourself a piece of her estate - your "windfall" - when she has kids of her own is pretty disgusting... Mr. Lucky I agree. Why you think you are owed anything from her estate is beyond me. If she dies he has to take care of their two children together. That "windfall" will help him do that. Seriously if the situations were reversed and he was doing this to you how would you feel? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted November 11, 2015 Share Posted November 11, 2015 He doesn't owe back pay on child support. My lawyer thinks he is set up for a windfall which means he has responsibilities to us to pay out of it. Just to understand your thinking, if he doesn't owe back support, why would you receive a portion of her estate? Mr. Lucky 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Lurkeraspect Posted November 11, 2015 Share Posted November 11, 2015 OP, For one who spends so much time (and money) in lawyers offices, you really don't know much about the law where you live. You've stated that you live in Vermont, and a speedy Google search reveals all you need to know about estate law. Firstly, his wife doesn't have to leave anything to him. It's her estate to do with as she sees fit, and she certainly owes you absolutely nothing. If however (highly doubtful) she dies without a will, there is law of succession for her estate. And newsflash! Neither you nor your children are given any consideration. So if you're counting the days until her death, believing you're going to become an instant millionaire, im afraid you're just in for another disappointment. Intestate Succession in Vermont | Nolo.com 1 Link to post Share on other sites
jakrbbt Posted November 11, 2015 Share Posted November 11, 2015 Bluedress, again, your every post makes it clear that you'll greatly benefit from doing a job you get paid for-- not family, but work-- a place in the world, being productive and having value beyond that of mother and former wife. You do have that value. Use it. I think a lot of this is really about unemployment, which messes with people. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
jakrbbt Posted November 11, 2015 Share Posted November 11, 2015 You might want to get your lawyer's advice in writing whenever possible. It sounds like you either have partial information, are partially able to understand it, or are misinterpreting it and remembering only certain catch phrases. Lawyers can sometimes forget what's easy for a client to understand and what's not. You don't want to go on hope and something you thought you heard, and make some error. Again, this plan to live off your ex and his new spouse does not sound like a good strategic choice. Why shoot yourself in the foot? I'd wager you are not as useless as you seem to think. Go pound pavement and work! Maybe you'll make more than he does! Yay! Maybe he'll like you more then. It couldn't hurt. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
underpants Posted November 12, 2015 Share Posted November 12, 2015 This thread is awesome. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
underpants Posted November 12, 2015 Share Posted November 12, 2015 So the judge ruled his name is removed from your bills. Does that reduce the 1600/month he pays or is that other stuff you just counted on, like insurance, rent, etc...? Did your 200/month lawyer advise you that you could lose custody/face reduced payments should your ex win custody? ....sidebar...when you file for full custody, chances are you ex will too. It could have been cool blue. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
m4p Posted November 12, 2015 Share Posted November 12, 2015 I'm perplexed. Am I not only living in another country but on another planet instead? How and where on earth is an ex wife entitled to estate of a woman she has zero legal and blood connection to? I find it extremely incredulous that you're trying to get HER money from HER husband that would most likely goes to HER children anyway. If your ex inherits her assets it's gonna be 100% his or he's probably just a trustee for the kids until they come of age. Any legal entitlement you have stays at what was negotiated when you divorced. In my country, alimony and child support is based entirely on matrimonial assets. Are you being fleeced with this dubious legal advice that you're getting? Or are you just hearing what you want to hear? (Its not hard to see a pattern) No wonder they took so long to get married... barely a year and your claws are out. For your sake and your children's sake, please get the help you need to turn your mindset and life around. It is not too late. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
MJJean Posted November 12, 2015 Share Posted November 12, 2015 When Blue's ex husband inherits from the death of his wife, he will have more money and assets in his name so that they can ask for an increase in child support. Still doesn't solve the problem of what she's going to do when the kids grow up and move out, the CS stops,and she has no way to support herself at all. Link to post Share on other sites
Mrs. John Adams Posted November 12, 2015 Share Posted November 12, 2015 If the ex husband has any clue at all of blues intentions..lets prayer that he is smart enough to place everything out of her reach. It would be a shame for his present wife to have one single dollar go to blue. I can't believe I just said that...that I have sympathy for a cheating man and his other woman instead of the poor betrayed wife....but sadly...I almost understand why the infidelity happened. Communicating with blue is frustrating at best....I feel like we all run in circles trying to understand her mindset and reasoning. It's not that I don't want blue to be happy....but we have to make our own happiness and I dont think she knows how. Blue....please get yourself into therapy..... 5 Link to post Share on other sites
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