Update: [Ex-husband] Playing Games

[underpants]

This thread is enlightening.

 

Golden uterus complex is a real thing that you can google. Entitled wife/mothers/parental alienation are also real and in many cases co morbid disorders.

 

I have some questions.

 

Who pays your attorney?

 

Have you given thought or been advised that your ex may turn the tables, ask for lowered support or an intention to not/under work on your case? The court could grant full custody to your ex and lower your support until you are able to secure proper employment....if he were to be pushed too far. and you are pushing.

 

Have you given thought or been advised that your ex could be awarded attorney fees if your claims are proven frivolous?

 

Your oldest is around 10. In a few years they may favor living full time with dad and the court will listen? Are you prepared for that? Are you prepared for less 'support'?

 

If you are really thinking of these kids, you need to get real.

 

They are in school, and you share custody. You can manage more the 10 hrs of work a week. You refuse and this will cost you. More than you have bargained for.

 

Do you want your kids to respect you?

Edited November 4, 2015 by underpants

[cocorico]

This thread is enlightening.

 

Golden uterus complex is a real thing that you can google. Entitled wife/mothers/parental alienation are also real and in many cases co morbid disorders.

 

I have some questions.

 

Who pays your attorney?

 

Have you given thought or been advised that your ex may turn the tables, ask for lowered support or an intention to not/under work on your case? The court could grant full custody to your ex and lower your support until you are able to secure proper employment....if he were to be pushed too far. and you are pushing.

 

Have you given thought or been advised that your ex could be awarded attorney fees if your claims are proven frivolous?

 

Your oldest is around 10. In a few years they may favor living full time with dad and the court will listen? Are you prepared for that? Are you prepared for less 'support'?

 

If you are really thinking of these kids, you need to get real.

 

They are in school, and you share custody. You can manage more the 10 hrs of work a week. You refuse and this will cost you. More than you have bargained for.

 

Do you want your kids to respect you?

 

The refrain of "my kids are my priority" pays little heed to the actual kids, what is good for them, and what they might actually want.

 

My H's xW nominally got shared custody in his D - but the kids soon made it abundantly clear they wanted to be with us, not with her. We tried to get them to spend time with her, but it became less and less. Now they're grown, they hardly see her.

 

It was behaviour like the OP is demonstrating that drove them away. It does happen. The OP assumes that because she refuses to work, and defines herself through her kids, that everyone else - including her kids - will see it that way too. But it doesn't wrk like that. She's putting all her eggs in one basket, and if - when - the kids choose their dad (and stepmom) over her, she risks being left with nothing.

[BlueDress]

I pay my attorney fees. I pay a little each week. I was told he could turn it around on me but he won't. He doesn't like messy things and likes to avoid court at all costs. I thought he'd settle more than he did but I don't know. He hasn't settled much. Since that first date that he said he couldn't go to he hasn't objected to going. He just goes and deals with it.

 

The kids don't get to let it known where they want to live. I won't entertain it.

[stillafool]

The kids don't get to let it known where they want to live. I won't entertain it.

 

Yeah, because you know what their choice would be and then you'd have no leverage.

[BlueDress]

I'm the adult. They don't get to choose. They're kids.

[ladydesigner]

BlueDress you are killing yourself over this. I have read many of your posts and you seem so hyper focused on this.

 

If you have been divorced for 6 years why have you not tried to heal yourself and move on? Being so focused on your ex and his new wife (I know she is an AP) could not be healthy for you.

 

You need to let go for YOU and for them.

[sandylee1]

Make your house a happy home and they'll choose your place hands down every time.

 

Kids are very loyal to their moms, but they need to see you doing enough for yourself.

 

A lot of women make themselves more desirable when their husband leaves ......by either getting fit, getting educated getting a good job and basically being flawless as much as possible.....you know..like making your Ex regret the day he left.

.....but getting pleasure from knowing he hasn't got a chance......at least not until he was on his hands and knees.

 

Your way of doing things is not what I'd expect from someone who wants the man back.

 

Can you say what you've done in the last 6 years to better yourself?

Are you happy to live a single life for the rest of your days?

Do you think you need your self esteem and confidence built up?

 

You really need to get out there and enjoy your life. ...otherwise you'll make yourself ill by not moving on.

[Haydn]

This is such a depressing thread.

 

But compelling.

 

Bluedress, just choose a new life. Please.

[BlueDress]

Who says they wouldn't rather live with me?

[ladydesigner]

Who says they wouldn't rather live with me?

 

No one knows who they want to live with. I agree most of the time the kids want to be with mom. Most courts award the kids to the mother.

 

I am sad for you that you seem to be stuck, given I am not one to speak because I am stuck too , but I can see how this is turning into an obsession and that is not healthy for you!

[underpants]

I pay my attorney fees. I pay a little each week. I was told he could turn it around on me but he won't. He doesn't like messy things and likes to avoid court at all costs. I thought he'd settle more than he did but I don't know. He hasn't settled much. Since that first date that he said he couldn't go to he hasn't objected to going. He just goes and deals with it.

 

The kids don't get to let it known where they want to live. I won't entertain it.

 

How much (roughly) do you pay each week? Just curious.

 

Ahhh, I'm sure he wants to please the ex to safeguard his kids in his absence so that means pleasing the mother. Good angle.

 

I remember telling the judge that I wanted to live with my Dad, he was boring but stable. Heck he was unemployed now that I think about it, but had so much family and community support and they testified (so weird). We lived on a log of hamburger meat every week disguised as some meal along with a gallon of milk that I had to ride on my bike to the store to get to save gas. Where as my mom was giving us every fantasy money could buy. I was so scared, but the judge (in private chambers) cracked jokes and showed me a hole in his sock to break the ice, he was awesome). He ordered full custody to my Dad for for me and little sis age 5, and cut off support and alimony much to her shock and dismay. I was 10. She had to deal with it as she was the Mom and didn't have a choice. We are good now, she hurt and blossomed, got a good job and has traveled the world taking each of her children to any country in the world they wanted to visit and quality time. She just had a weird entitlement thing for a while, being a stay at home mom for 20+ years is probably an insanity onto its own. So glad she got over it and found 'herself'. That was an over 20 year marriage that soooo needed to be over.

 

My Dad healed too and found his true love. Over 30 years married and she is really good to him and to his grandchildren and fair to us, but (at least I do remember the painful transition). This wasn't even an affair, just a life transition, the pain, life upheaval, is all the same kind of raw. Its a tightrope but manageable. Blended families can be beautiful. My stepmom will never be my 'MOM', but she is cool and weird in her own way and I'm thankful for her impact on my life and grateful for her love and care for my dad. He needs her. So who am I to judge?

 

The heart has room for 'more love' not less. When that question arises it is time to evaluate that notion.

 

Its just life Bluedress. You got knocked down. Get up, how old are you (roughly)? Do you want to spend the next year, 5, 10, 20 or 30+ doing this?

 

Let go of the negativity and give way to a better future. That is the thought you should ponder.

 

My .02

Edited November 5, 2015 by underpants

[BlueDress]

I pay between $40 and $50 a week.

 

I am not a negative person. In fact I'm very positive. The time spent doesn't matter since it brings me a day closer to my ultimate goal. Dating didn't work. Nobody measured up. I'd rather spend time focusing on this than making a show of it with someone else. They can't last. Even if he wanted to, which I know he doesn't, her cancer puts an expiration date on it all. Reality is she will be gone. I'd rather get him back and spend 10 years doing it than spend 5 years finding someone else.

 

I am a positive person. I don't like what she's putting my husband through. What they are putting my kids through. What she's making him put me through. I don't like him sneaking out of giving me what's mine. I don't like her. She isn't a good person. The sooner she's out of our lives the better. Somebody even said he doesn't seem to love her. So it's only a waiting game at this point.

Edited November 5, 2015 by BlueDress

[MJJean]

I pay between $40 and $50 a week.

 

I am not a negative person. In fact I'm very positive. The time spent doesn't matter since it brings me a day closer to my ultimate goal. Dating didn't work. Nobody measured up. I'd rather spend time focusing on this than making a show of it with someone else. They can't last. Even if he wanted to, which I know he doesn't, her cancer puts an expiration date on it all. Reality is she will be gone. I'd rather get him back and spend 10 years doing it than spend 5 years finding someone else.

 

I am a positive person. I don't like what she's putting my husband through. What they are putting my kids through. What she's making him put me through. I don't like him sneaking out of giving me what's mine. I don't like her. She isn't a good person. The sooner she's out of our lives the better. Somebody even said he doesn't seem to love her. So it's only a waiting game at this point.

 

There is a difference between "positive" and "delusional".

 

Frankly, after reading your posts, I'd have left you for a whole lot less than a kiss.

 

And, equally frankly, if I had the blessing of a woman like your EX husbands WIFE of 6 YEARS I certainly wouldn't sully her memory by returning to my nutty ex.

 

Someone said they don't think he loves his WIFE OF 6 YEARS. And how, exactly, does this poster know that? They don't. From all the accounts you've written, it seems to me he loves her very much.

 

You claim that you and your family believe that you are still married in the Lord's eyes. I am assuming that means you and your family are Christian. Have any of you actually read the Bible? Especially the parts where Jesus talks about how we are to behave toward other children of God?

 

The Bible I read talks a whole lot about forgiveness and kindness and compassion. It doesn't seem that Christ was a big fan of vengeful and spiteful.

 

If you're going to claim Christian beliefs, perhaps you should do the things Christ commanded like doing hard work, being humble, turning the other cheek, loving even your enemies, etc.

[BlueDress]

I don't disagree with my family interpretation of the Bible. I do know they're married legally. That means at least he has a spiritual marriage to her too.

 

She's not really a blessing. She tricked him into leaving his wife and kids. For what? She's a mess.

[MJJean]

I don't disagree with my family interpretation of the Bible. I do know they're married legally. That means at least he has a spiritual marriage to her too.

 

She's not really a blessing. She tricked him into leaving his wife and kids. For what? She's a mess.

 

He didn't leave his kids. He is financially and emotionally fulfilling his duties as parent. He left you, yes.

 

Statistically, most men do NOT leave their wives and children. They either continue the affair indefinitely or they throw the OW under the bus to save their own azzes at home. This is true in spite of untold numbers of OW actively trying with everything in their power to get the MM to leave.

 

He wasn't tricked. He wanted to leave.

 

Ponder this. People change each other. He's been living with, loving, ****ing, and sharing every intimacy possible with this woman for over 6 years. They've been through adversity together. They've experienced travel and adventure, birth, and cancer together.

 

All the little things you remember about him? His likes and dislikes, his routines, his way of thinking, even his habits and scent.. A LOT of that has changed. His life with her, his marriage to her, their experiences together, forever altered him.

 

The guy you're pining over doesn't exist anymore and maybe never did.

[clam]

They've been married longer than you ever were, Blue. She is the love of his life. Not you.

 

Cancer isn't necessarily a death sentence. And frankly, your "death watch", waiting for her to keel over is quite creepy and downright cruel.

 

You really need to let this go.

[Maddieandtae]

If you gathered all of what you have written about your ex-husband and his wife, presented it to him by hand, asked him to read it while your present, asked him to give you his immediate thoughts on all that you think what to you would be most impacting? The look on his face while reading or the words he would have to say after reading it all?

 

My reaction to reading about your ex-husbands wife's 'expiration date' punched me in the gut. Reading as someone who lost her Mom to ovarian cancer, it hurt to read cancer so disregarded. I sincerely hope you never need to watch a loved one die before your eyes. I also sincerely hope you focus on what really is hurting you.

[Sandy43]

BlueDress pretty much every poster on here has given you the same advice, get on with your life, get a job, find a new man, become independant etc. We can't all be wrong, we are looking at this from a completely unbiased standpoint as we do not know you or your exH. Believe us when we tell you that you can make a better life for yourself if you would just let him go, he is not coming back no matter what you do. I don't mean to sound harsh but you need to hear this.

 

You are dragging him through court and making his life miserable at a time when he is already dealing with something devistating, I'm not sure why you think this would send him running back to you but I can guarantee it will have the opposite effect. He will despise you for this, and if or when his wife passes away he will still want absolutely no relationship with you because he will resent you forever.

 

I suggest you reread all of the posts on this thread and your other threads and take a good hard look at what you are doing. Get yourself into councelling and move on from your divorce for your own sake as well as your childrens sake.

[daisygirl19]

I don't disagree with my family interpretation of the Bible. I do know they're married legally. That means at least he has a spiritual marriage to her too.

 

She's not really a blessing. She tricked him into leaving his wife and kids. For what? She's a mess.

 

She didn't trick him into anything. He left YOU because he no longer wanted to be with YOU. He did not leave his kids. He left YOU because he loves her and wants to be with her. Waiting for her to die, so that you can try to break him down and make his life so miserable his only option is to return to a marriage he ended YEARS ago is nothing short of sick and twisted. After everything you have put him and his wife through, and continue to put them through, what makes you think he would EVER want to be with you? Quite frankly, the way you've spun this, he's a step away from being canonized a saint for dealing with your crazy.

 

Please, please, please, get some help. This is so sad and so unhealthy. What kind of example are you setting for children? Thank god they have a seemingly normal dad and stepmom to model themselves after.

[MidwestUSA]

 

I am a positive person. I don't like what she's putting my husband through. What they are putting my kids through. What she's making him put me through. I don't like him sneaking out of giving me what's mine. I don't like her. She isn't a good person. The sooner she's out of our lives the better. Somebody even said he doesn't seem to love her. So it's only a waiting game at this point.

 

I thought I'd seen everything here. This takes the cake. You're not a positive person at all.

 

You know what's running thru my head? The theme from Walk Hard: The Dewey Cox Story. Hilarious movie, but "THE WRONG KID DIED".

 

I have to ask, do you any kind of life outside of waiting and hoping for this woman to pass?

[cocorico]

I'm the adult. They don't get to choose. They're kids.

 

You're certainly not acting like an adult. You're acting like a toddler who sees someone else with a nice toy and wants to grab it off them. Your kids are watching. They know that behaviour's not cool.

 

In a couple of years time, your kids will legally be able to choose which parent they'd rather be with. If they tell their dad they want to be with him and their stepmom, he can go to court and the courts will award him custody, and your meal ticket will vanish. You'd do well to prepare yourself for that eventuality because it's coming. Maybe soon, maybe only once your kids leave home, but it's coming. And then you'll have to find some other sucker to sponge off.

[stillafool]

I pay between $40 and $50 a week.

 

I am not a negative person. In fact I'm very positive. The time spent doesn't matter since it brings me a day closer to my ultimate goal. Dating didn't work. Nobody measured up. I'd rather spend time focusing on this than making a show of it with someone else. They can't last. Even if he wanted to, which I know he doesn't, her cancer puts an expiration date on it all. Reality is she will be gone. I'd rather get him back and spend 10 years doing it than spend 5 years finding someone else.

 

I am a positive person. I don't like what she's putting my husband through. What they are putting my kids through. What she's making him put me through. I don't like him sneaking out of giving me what's mine. I don't like her. She isn't a good person. The sooner she's out of our lives the better. Somebody even said he doesn't seem to love her. So it's only a waiting game at this point.

 

So one person on this 10 page thread said the above and that is the only thing you've taken from this. You are delusional. Do you know that even if his precious wife does die from cancer he will never go back to you. Honey that ship has sailed and you aren't on it.

[stillafool]

You're certainly not acting like an adult. You're acting like a toddler who sees someone else with a nice toy and wants to grab it off them. Your kids are watching. They know that behaviour's not cool.

 

In a couple of years time, your kids will legally be able to choose which parent they'd rather be with. If they tell their dad they want to be with him and their stepmom, he can go to court and the courts will award him custody, and your meal ticket will vanish. You'd do well to prepare yourself for that eventuality because it's coming. Maybe soon, maybe only once your kids leave home, but it's coming. And then you'll have to find some other sucker to sponge off.

 

Exactly, that's the only reason she wants the kids so her money doesn't stop.

[HopeForTomorrow]

I pay between $40 and $50 a week.

 

I am not a negative person. In fact I'm very positive. The time spent doesn't matter since it brings me a day closer to my ultimate goal. Dating didn't work. Nobody measured up. I'd rather spend time focusing on this than making a show of it with someone else. They can't last. Even if he wanted to, which I know he doesn't, her cancer puts an expiration date on it all. Reality is she will be gone. I'd rather get him back and spend 10 years doing it than spend 5 years finding someone else.

 

I am a positive person. I don't like what she's putting my husband through. What they are putting my kids through. What she's making him put me through. I don't like him sneaking out of giving me what's mine. I don't like her. She isn't a good person. The sooner she's out of our lives the better. Somebody even said he doesn't seem to love her. So it's only a waiting game at this point.

 

From your description she doesn't sound like she's anywhere close to being at the terminal stage. She's still living an active life. Why on earth would you think there is an "expiration date" on her life due to cancer?

 

The progress in cancer treatment, even just in the last 6 months, is astounding. New targeted therapies using DNA sequencing/genomics. It's not just in the labs anymore; it's clinical practice reality. I see it every day.

Edited November 5, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[BlueDress]

My kids are only a paycheck? What because I miss some school events? I don't show up to their Halloween show in a vulgar and crass outfit? I'm sorry I don't roll in shaving cream with them or let them paint with squirt guns. Sorry I need help with money to raise them and can't do it on nothing. My kids are more than a paycheck. They're not even a paycheck. They're the most important thing in my life. They are my life!

 

Being a parent is making the hard choices and acting like an adult. It's not telling the kids they're growing pizza in a garden and making a stuffed toy.