My ex is engaged but still wants me

[Kaley]

My ex and I parted ways for complicated reasons, but still loved each other. He started dating someone shortly after and they are now engaged. During the time they were dating, he's implied many times he's still in love with me, and has flat out said he still wants to be with me, but is with someone else now. The last month or so he's really implied he wants to be with me (i.e. saying he misses me) and I assumed he and his gf must have split. I've been aching to be with him again but never said anything out of respect for his relationship. But I figured they must be broken up now because of his comments to me so I was going to bring up trying again with him. Only to find out he's engaged.

 

I KNOW everyone is going to say move on and let him go. But I believe with all my heart he's the one for me. And I KNOW he has feelings for me too, but is the kind of guy who is super kind and would never want to hurt someone so he's staying with his gf (now fiance). I'm not saying he doesn't love her and isn't happy, but I'm 99% sure he still wants to be with me but is playing it safe with his gf. I want to lay it out and say that I would be with him too if it's what he wants but I know it's inappropriate. I just can't imagine going the rest of my life knowing he's the one who got away and I didn't even try to stop it from happening.

[d0nnivain]

If he loved you that much he never would have put a ring on her finger. It really is as simple as that.

 

 

You know what to do -- ignore him forever & move on. You just don't want to.

[Kaley]

If he loved you that much he never would have put a ring on her finger. It really is as simple as that.

 

 

You know what to do -- ignore him forever & move on. You just don't want to.

 

I know. Believe me I do. But at the same time, if he loves her that much, would he tell me he misses me? Or say he still wants me? Text me that I looked beautiful after running into me? These are the sort of things that have happened in the last month or two.

 

He's an insanely loyal guy. He stayed with his ex for years even though she was physically and emotionally abusive out of loyalty to her.

[pidgeon1010]

For argument's sake, let's say he loves you with all his heart and you're the one that got away. So what? You claim he is "insanely loyal" so he is not going to leave his fiancé. What will your role be then? The other woman?

 

He didn't tell you he was still engaged when he came back because he realized any sane woman with an ounce of self-respect would not tolerate such deplorable conduct- disloyalty/emotionally cheating on a fiancé, empty words with no action. You can't "stop" anything. It seems to me he is exactly where he wants to be. Very few men would marry a woman out of obligation/loyalty if there are no kids involved.

 

btw someone saying they miss you doesn't imply they want to be with you. It means exactly what they said- they miss you (i.e. they feel your absence). If they say they want to be with you and don't follow that up with conduct that shows that they do, that's also meaningless.

[Kaley]

For argument's sake, let's say he loves you with all his heart and you're the one that got away. So what? You claim he is "insanely loyal" so he is not going to leave his fiancé. What will your role be then? The other woman?

 

He didn't tell you he was still engaged when he came back because he realized any sane woman with an ounce of self-respect would not tolerate such deplorable conduct- disloyalty/emotionally cheating on a fiancé, empty words with no action. You can't "stop" anything. It seems to me he is exactly where he wants to be. Very few men would marry a woman out of obligation/loyalty if there are no kids involved.

 

btw someone saying they miss you doesn't imply they want to be with you. It means exactly what they said- they miss you (i.e. they feel your absence). If they say they want to be with you and don't follow that up with conduct that shows that they do, that's also meaningless.

 

No you're right, and I didn't mean to imply that he's marrying her out of obligation. I just meant that even if he realizes that I want to be with him he would STAY with her out of obligation. I would never be the other woman, nor would he cheat anyway. I just feel like I should lay it out, and let him know and walk away. IF he decides that I'm the one he truly loves and knows we can have a future, then he can choose whether he wants to end things with his fiance for me, or still stay with her. Not saying I'm going to do this, just considering it.

 

And again, you're right that saying he misses me doesn't me he wants me back. But he has point blank said he still wants me. Not that he acted on it or took it further than letting me know, but the fact is he does still want to be with me. More than his fiance? I don't know.

[basil67]

If he's so loyal, why did he leave you? I mean, he'll stay with an abusive partner and he'll stay with his fiance even though he apparently loves you more. But he didn't stay loyal to you, did he?

 

Edited to add: telling you all this stuff while engaged to another woman is hardly being loyal to her. I'm not seeing loyal - I'm seeing dysfunctional

[Kaley]

If he's so loyal, why did he leave you? I mean, he'll stay with an abusive partner and he'll stay with his fiance even though he apparently loves you more. But he didn't stay loyal to you, did he?

 

Edited to add: telling you all this stuff while engaged to another woman is hardly being loyal to her. I'm not seeing loyal - I'm seeing dysfunctional

 

He didn't leave me. I was going through some difficult things in life and sort of pushed everyone away, including him, because I didn't know how to cope. He tried to stay with me but things were really strained. We talked and decided to give each other some space with hopes we can reconcile. Basically, I messed up but was in too dark a place to realize how badly I was ruining things.

 

And I completely agree that he shouldn't be saying those things while with another person. I truly thought they were no longer together when he was saying he missed me, wanted me, etc. But I've always been "the one" to him. When we met he had a girlfriend, but admitted long after they broke up and we started dating that he fell for me instantly and had a hard time being with his girlfriend after meeting me because he really wanted to be with me deep down.

[pidgeon1010]

He did leave you. Pushed him away, etc. is all semantics. Not only did he leave but he found someone else and is engaged to her. You keep entertaining his declarations of affection/love and it probably makes you feel good that he is saying all those things while he is engaged. It means something to you and you're putting a lot of stock in it but his words don't match his actions. He's engaged and he knows you're single and available because you keep responding to his contact. He's done nothing to be with you. You didn't know he was still in a relationship but now you do. Move on. He knows where to find you if he can't bear to lose you and ends things with his fiancé.

[Kaley]

He did leave you. Pushed him away, etc. is all semantics. Not only did he leave but he found someone else and is engaged to her. You keep entertaining his declarations of affection/love and it probably makes you feel good that he is saying all those things while he is engaged. It means something to you and you're putting a lot of stock in it but his words don't match his actions. He's engaged and he knows you're single and available because you keep responding to his contact. He's done nothing to be with you. You didn't know he was still in a relationship but now you do. Move on. He knows where to find you if he can't bear to lose you and ends things with his fiancé.

 

I think we are going to have to agree to disagree on this, but there is a difference between leaving someone and choosing to give someone space. Again, I was in a bad place and was being unfair to him (in hindsight, since in the moment I was just struggling to get through each day and blind to the effect it was having on others). This led to us sitting down and having a long heart to heart and ME deciding that maybe space was the best option. I guess I took for granted thinking he would always be around.

 

When he tells me he wants me, thinks about me, misses me, etc. It always ends at that. He sorta takes it back after realizing he shouldn't have said it so I don't push the issue. Believe me I'm not twisting things in my head, he's flat out told me (until recently even) these words. But I've never just laid out how I feel because I don't know how to respond, knowing he's with someone. I feel like I need to "speak now or forever hold my peace" in a way. And like you said, if he feels the same he knows where to find me. I won't chase him or pressure him. Just say that I feel like he still carries a lot of feelings for me, and I want him to know that I still feel the same, if this is what he truly wants. And leave it at that. If I don't say anything, I will have a hard time moving on because I will always wonder if he would have been with me if he knew I still felt the same as him. But if I lay it out and he tells me I'm bat**** crazy or that he still loves me but will stay true to his fiance, or whatever it may be, I will have no choice but to let go and move on.

[xpaperxcutx]

You are CHASING him.

If he wants you, he would've broken off the engagement by now. People who knows what they want go for what they want.

[Kaley]

oops wrong thread

Edited October 31, 2015 by Kaley

[dumbass2]

No you're right, and I didn't mean to imply that he's marrying her out of obligation. I just meant that even if he realizes that I want to be with him he would STAY with her out of obligation. I would never be the other woman, nor would he cheat anyway. I just feel like I should lay it out, and let him know and walk away. IF he decides that I'm the one he truly loves and knows we can have a future, then he can choose whether he wants to end things with his fiance for me, or still stay with her. Not saying I'm going to do this, just considering it.

 

And again, you're right that saying he misses me doesn't me he wants me back. But he has point blank said he still wants me. Not that he acted on it or took it further than letting me know, but the fact is he does still want to be with me. More than his fiance? I don't know.

 

No, the fact is that as of right now he DOES NOT want to be with you or else he would be. You said it yourself, he has not acted on his words so they are meaningless. You should tell him that you two should no longer be in contact as long as he is engaged. This also is not fair to the other woman. It is totally messed up and not acceptable. If you tolerate this, you will be in for a lot of hurt even if you did get back. Look at at how he is treating both of you.

[BC1980]

I know. Believe me I do. But at the same time, if he loves her that much, would he tell me he misses me? Or say he still wants me? Text me that I looked beautiful after running into me? These are the sort of things that have happened in the last month or two.

 

He's an insanely loyal guy. He stayed with his ex for years even though she was physically and emotionally abusive out of loyalty to her.

 

He tells you those things to keep you in line for a backup. He knows he can get attention from you, so he throws you a bone every now and then. He doesn't want to be with you, be he still enjoys your attention.

 

Staying with an abusive ex isn't loyal. That's accepting terrible treatment for the sake of being with someone. This implies he has low standards. Also, if he is dating and now engaged to someone else, don't you think it's a bit shady that he is still texting you that he misses you and you look great. I'd be so upset if I were engaged to a person who still had those kinds of ties to an ex. So no, he isn't loyal at all.

[BC1980]

When he tells me he wants me, thinks about me, misses me, etc. It always ends at that. He sorta takes it back after realizing he shouldn't have said it so I don't push the issue. Believe me I'm not twisting things in my head, he's flat out told me (until recently even) these words.

 

I don't think you are twisting his words around in your head, but I also know that people can saw an awful lot of things that they don't really intend to follow with actions.

[Kaley]

I don't think you are twisting his words around in your head, but I also know that people can saw an awful lot of things that they don't really intend to follow with actions.

 

I agree. I think he says them impulsively in the moment because he does still carry feelings for me. But then he regrets them since he has moved on and tries to take them back.

 

But when I still love him so much and want to be back together, saying those things to me gives me so much hope. If it was any other guy I'd think they were a douche. But I know the connections we had and I'm having a hard time accepting that he's truly let go and moved on. Truth be told, I think he's moved on (obviously) but never really got over me.

 

Since we are still friends and in each others lives to certain extents, I think I might call or text him to let him no we should no longer be in contact. Maybe that's what I need to move on for good. Because as long as he keeps sending me messages, I'm going to be hooked.

[BC1980]

I agree. I think he says them impulsively in the moment because he does still carry feelings for me. But then he regrets them since he has moved on and tries to take them back.

 

But when I still love him so much and want to be back together, saying those things to me gives me so much hope. If it was any other guy I'd think they were a douche. But I know the connections we had and I'm having a hard time accepting that he's truly let go and moved on. Truth be told, I think he's moved on (obviously) but never really got over me.

 

Since we are still friends and in each others lives to certain extents, I think I might call or text him to let him no we should no longer be in contact. Maybe that's what I need to move on for good. Because as long as he keeps sending me messages, I'm going to be hooked.

 

Yes, people do say things impulsively. Things they later realize they can't fulfill. I've experienced that first hand, and it can be very hurtful and confusing. It can be difficult to let the person go when they are saying one thing and doing another, which is why it's very important to make sure that actions and words match. If people consistently tell you things that they never follow through with, that is a big problem.

 

I think that you are projecting a lot of your feelings onto him, and I understand that because I've done the same thing. I thought my connection with my ex was so special. I thought that he was different and that he would never say things he didn't mean. Not to me anyway. But the reality can be very different. We often think these things because we are basing everything on how WE feel. His actions are saying that he feels very differently than what you assume. His actions show that he does not want to marry you. He wants to marry someone else, but he is content keeping you on the side and getting some attention once in awhile.

 

I think it would be a good idea to go NC, and I don't even think you need to let him know. Really and truly, he should not be contacting you if he is engaged. His behavior speaks very poorly of him. I would simply block him, and move on. If you try to push back against him in any way, he will likely paint you as a crazy ex who's been contacting him and won't leave him alone even though he's engaged.

[Kaley]

Yes, people do say things impulsively. Things they later realize they can't fulfill. I've experienced that first hand, and it can be very hurtful and confusing. It can be difficult to let the person go when they are saying one thing and doing another, which is why it's very important to make sure that actions and words match. If people consistently tell you things that they never follow through with, that is a big problem.

 

I think that you are projecting a lot of your feelings onto him, and I understand that because I've done the same thing. I thought my connection with my ex was so special. I thought that he was different and that he would never say things he didn't mean. Not to me anyway. But the reality can be very different. We often think these things because we are basing everything on how WE feel. His actions are saying that he feels very differently than what you assume. His actions show that he does not want to marry you. He wants to marry someone else, but he is content keeping you on the side and getting some attention once in awhile.

 

I think it would be a good idea to go NC, and I don't even think you need to let him know. Really and truly, he should not be contacting you if he is engaged. His behavior speaks very poorly of him. I would simply block him, and move on. If you try to push back against him in any way, he will likely paint you as a crazy ex who's been contacting him and won't leave him alone even though he's engaged.

 

Your response really hit home for me. I agree that he's not backing up his actions, and I likely am projecting a lot of my feelings onto him.

 

The reason I want to let him know that we shouldn't have contact is because he is still somewhat in my life due to mutual friends. Sometimes he messages me about things going on with our friends or we see each other at a mutual event. Even though a lot of the messages he sends me make me confused, we DO still have a friendship where we can just send a quick message about something random or stop to say hi for a few minutes. So I think tomorrow I will call him, if I can muster up the nerve, to sort of say my goodbyes and let him know it's best to no longer be in touch. Because even though I'm feeling hurt and confused, he has still been my friend - although a confusing one at times, and I kinda have to break that off officially to go NC.

[dumbass2]

I agree. I think he says them impulsively in the moment because he does still carry feelings for me. But then he regrets them since he has moved on and tries to take them back.

 

But when I still love him so much and want to be back together, saying those things to me gives me so much hope. If it was any other guy I'd think they were a douche. But I know the connections we had and I'm having a hard time accepting that he's truly let go and moved on. Truth be told, I think he's moved on (obviously) but never really got over me.

 

Since we are still friends and in each others lives to certain extents, I think I might call or text him to let him no we should no longer be in contact. Maybe that's what I need to move on for good. Because as long as he keeps sending me messages, I'm going to be hooked.

 

Absolutely do this. You cannot be friends and tell him to please respect your decision. You want something he is not able to provide. Please tell him this for YOUR own good and don't let him sweet talk you out of it. It is selfish of him to tell you things to keep you on the hook. I finally had to tell my ex a long time ago that I cannot be friends with her and we should no longer be in contact. It gave me a great sense of relief that I took control and did that. It will for you and help you to move forward and not stuck in limbo wasting your time.

[Kaley]

Absolutely do this. You cannot be friends and tell him to please respect your decision. You want something he is not able to provide. Please tell him this for YOUR own good and don't let him sweet talk you out of it. It is selfish of him to tell you things to keep you on the hook. I finally had to tell my ex a long time ago that I cannot be friends with her and we should no longer be in contact. It gave me a great sense of relief that I took control and did that. It will for you and help you to move forward and not stuck in limbo wasting your time.

 

I agree 100%

As much as it breaks my heart to have to cut all ties and say goodbye for good to him, I know deep down I have to. Because having him as a friend will hurt too much. And even now that he's engaged I know I will still give myself hope that he will decide to come back to me if we keep in contact.

I'm going to muster up the nerve tomorrow to tell him goodbye, and to please respect my decision to no longer stay in contact. When we parted it was never a "for good" thing, and I thought we'd be back together again after some space. And I think I'm still holding on to that. Saying goodbye will hopefully give me closure to all this. I've been in limbo for far too long. And you're right, it's a waste of time.

[betterfly]

I think you should definitely talk to him and have this final conversation before he makes his decision.

 

There are really only two scenarios:

 

1) He loves you more than he's loved anyone. Then he will either choose you and break his fiancee's heart (which is better to be done now, in that case, than later on in life), or he will proceed with the marriage.

 

2) He misses you, but not enough to give up what he has with this new woman. In this case, you should definitely walk away, because that is just honest of him to string you along, especially behind his fiancee's back.

 

There is always, of course, another option - to leave them alone, and see if his feelings for her will grow, even if now they are weaker than feelings for you. But as someone who was paranoid about my bf having feeling for his ex's, I would say that exploring what's left there and basing his decision on that might be the most decent thing to do. Unless he can just close that door and stop torturing you with these little pieces of hope.

[kendahke]

If he wanted to be with you like he's saying, then

 

1. he wouldn't have gotten engaged--he'd have waited for you to get out of your dark place;

 

and 2. he would not put you in the degrading position of being his secret side piece he has to sneak around and see. You'd be his woman that he is seen with in public.

 

Think about that. Do you really want to be that chick?

 

I completely disagree with you about his loyalty. He doesn't have the requisite loyalty to cover a flea. A loyal man would have waited for you to get through your nadir. More importantly, a loyal man would not have lifted the phone to call or text you knowing that he has asked another woman to be his lawful wife. What he would have done was to end his relationship with her FIRST so he can be free to pursue you again.

[Kaley]

I think you should definitely talk to him and have this final conversation before he makes his decision.

 

There are really only two scenarios:

 

1) He loves you more than he's loved anyone. Then he will either choose you and break his fiancee's heart (which is better to be done now, in that case, than later on in life), or he will proceed with the marriage.

 

2) He misses you, but not enough to give up what he has with this new woman. In this case, you should definitely walk away, because that is just honest of him to string you along, especially behind his fiancee's back.

 

There is always, of course, another option - to leave them alone, and see if his feelings for her will grow, even if now they are weaker than feelings for you. But as someone who was paranoid about my bf having feeling for his ex's, I would say that exploring what's left there and basing his decision on that might be the most decent thing to do. Unless he can just close that door and stop torturing you with these little pieces of hope.

 

Thank you for this response. I will talk to him tomorrow as a final conversation. I'll let him know that it's too hard to have him in my life while I'm still in love with him, and we need to cut ties. I'm 99% expecting him to respect this, and that will be the end. But on the slightest chance he decides that he loves me too much to lose me, well I'll have to cross that bridge when it happens. But I'm not delusional. I'm pretty much positive that will be the end. And I'll be ok with that in time.

[betterfly]

he'd have waited for you to get out of your dark place;

 

Something slightly unrelated: do you think a man can be with other women, while waiting for you to get out of your dark place?

[kendahke]

Something slightly unrelated: do you think a man can be with other women, while waiting for you to get out of your dark place?

 

No. He wasn't waiting on you to get out of your dark place. He was moving on. Which is seems as if he did if he went so far as to get engaged.

[Simon Phoenix]

I agree. I think he says them impulsively in the moment because he does still carry feelings for me. But then he regrets them since he has moved on and tries to take them back.

 

But when I still love him so much and want to be back together, saying those things to me gives me so much hope. If it was any other guy I'd think they were a douche. But I know the connections we had and I'm having a hard time accepting that he's truly let go and moved on. Truth be told, I think he's moved on (obviously) but never really got over me.

 

Since we are still friends and in each others lives to certain extents, I think I might call or text him to let him no we should no longer be in contact. Maybe that's what I need to move on for good. Because as long as he keeps sending me messages, I'm going to be hooked.

 

Why do you need to tell him this? Just block him. What he's doing is inapproriate, and all you are doing by allowing him access is playing with fire emotionally. Just block him now -- you don't need to declare it.