My ex is engaged but still wants me

[betterfly]

No. He wasn't waiting on you to get out of your dark place. He was moving on. Which is seems as if he did if he went so far as to get engaged.

 

Hi, sorry, I'm not an OP it was a general question.. about loving someone, but dating other people to try and move on..

 

If a dumped does that, I understand.. but when a dumper starts seeing other people, does it necessarily mean that the love is gone? Or could it be a mean of distraction?

[Simon Phoenix]

Hi, sorry, I'm not an OP it was a general question.. about loving someone, but dating other people to try and move on..

 

If a dumped does that, I understand.. but when a dumper starts seeing other people, does it necessarily mean that the love is gone? Or could it be a mean of distraction?

 

Yeah, I don't think the OP's ex is getting married as a "distraction". And if he is, that's someone the OP needs to stay far, far away from, because he's a super flake.

[Kaley]

Why do you need to tell him this? Just block him. What he's doing is inapproriate, and all you are doing by allowing him access is playing with fire emotionally. Just block him now -- you don't need to declare it.

 

That's what I initially thought of doing. But he is still a friend of mine. We were friends before we dated and we managed to stay friends after (just not as close as we once were for obvious reasons). I want to say goodbye partly because I want to let him know why I'm suddenly going to disappear from his life. If I just block him he will inevitably get in contact with me for one reason or another (i.e. to let me know a mutual friend is having a get together, just to say hi, etc) since we are genuinely still friends. If I tell him why I'm cutting ties then he will respect that and not contact me knowing I'm trying to move on.

 

And also, I think saying goodbye will give me closure. We stayed in each others lives and still shared feelings, which he has expressed to me multiple times throughout the past year. Even just as friends who said "hi" now and then to stay in touch. This always left me with hope. I think getting to officially say goodbye and let him know there's to be no more contact will be the first step I need because I have to have that door closed in my mind for good.

[Kaley]

Something slightly unrelated: do you think a man can be with other women, while waiting for you to get out of your dark place?

 

In my specific case, I don't think he was with her while waiting for me. I think he was with her with the intentions of moving on. But I do think he jumped into something new while still having strong feelings for me so that he could move on. And I don't think those feelings went away. Not saying they are stronger than what he feels for his fiancee, but I have no doubt that he still holds a flame for me. Not because I'm deluding myself, but because he's point blank told me on more than one occasion.

 

To be 100% honest, I do think what he felt/feels for me is deeper because otherwise he wouldn't feel the need to tell me he misses me or still wants to be with me or thinks about me. When you love someone and want to spend your life with someone, they are the only person for you. You don't think about others. You don't want anyone else. You don't miss your ex. I think he loves her, of course, but I think it's also easier and less complicated to be with her then try to repair what we had, and give up what he has build with his new girl over the past year.

 

But I get it. No matter what he feels deep down he chose her. And I have to accept that. And I know everyone would say that I shouldn't want to be with someone like that anyway. That's why I'm going to cut ties, hopefully today if I work up the nerve. I know it will be an emotional goodbye because he has been such a big part of my life for so many years. But it will be for the best. I need closure.

Edited November 1, 2015 by Kaley

[Simon Phoenix]

That's what I initially thought of doing. But he is still a friend of mine. We were friends before we dated and we managed to stay friends after (just not as close as we once were for obvious reasons). I want to say goodbye partly because I want to let him know why I'm suddenly going to disappear from his life. If I just block him he will inevitably get in contact with me for one reason or another (i.e. to let me know a mutual friend is having a get together, just to say hi, etc) since we are genuinely still friends. If I tell him why I'm cutting ties then he will respect that and not contact me knowing I'm trying to move on.

 

And also, I think saying goodbye will give me closure. We stayed in each others lives and still shared feelings, which he has expressed to me multiple times throughout the past year. Even just as friends who said "hi" now and then to stay in touch. This always left me with hope. I think getting to officially say goodbye and let him know there's to be no more contact will be the first step I need because I have to have that door closed in my mind for good.

 

Closure comes from within. Do not depend on another person for closure -- especially the person who put you in this state. And you weren't friends, at least after the break -- you were "playing" friends but you both had agendas that weren't friend-like. You were hoping to stay in his orbit to get a second chance and he was using that to make you a safety net. Neither one of those are friend-like behaviors. And how can he get in touch with you if he's blocked? The block prevents that occurrence from happening.

 

This "goodbye" talk is just adding more drama to a situation that already has too much as is.

[BC1980]

To be 100% honest, I do think what he felt/feels for me is deeper because otherwise he wouldn't feel the need to tell me he misses me or still wants to be with me or thinks about me. When you love someone and want to spend your life with someone, they are the only person for you. You don't think about others. You don't want anyone else. You don't miss your ex. I think he loves her, of course, but I think it's also easier and less complicated to be with her then try to repair what we had, and give up what he has build with his new girl over the past year.

 

I think you are really projecting here. If he actually had a deeper connection to you, he would marry you. It makes no sense for him to marry another woman if he really wants to be with you. That just sounds ludicrous. Just because he is marrying her doesn't mean he has lost all feelings for you. He could still have residual feelings and miss you, but that doesn't mean he wants to marry you.

 

Sometimes, it's just hard for our egos to understand that a person we love chose someone else. So we make up some alternate reality where the obstacles to true love are just too hard to overcome for the other person. It's silly and something out of a movie. I see it all the time on LS, and I've done it myself to some extent. It's a coping mechanism to soothe our egos.

 

Anyway, I think you are doing the right thing by cutting contact and accepting that it's over. This guy sounds like he goes from on relationship to the next pretty quickly. If I'm reading all of this correctly, he left his ex for you. Now, he's engaged one year after the two of you broke up. But he's been feeding you garbage the entire time about how he loves you and wants to be with you.

 

I'm still confused about you asking for space yet still entertaining his calls and texts. The dynamics of this whole situation make it seem like he dumped you.

[Kaley]

Closure comes from within. Do not depend on another person for closure -- especially the person who put you in this state. And you weren't friends, at least after the break -- you were "playing" friends but you both had agendas that weren't friend-like. You were hoping to stay in his orbit to get a second chance and he was using that to make you a safety net. Neither one of those are friend-like behaviors. And how can he get in touch with you if he's blocked? The block prevents that occurrence from happening.

 

This "goodbye" talk is just adding more drama to a situation that already has too much as is.

 

I respect your opinion, but I 100% consider him a genuine friend. While I still carry feelings for him, it doesn't mean we didn't have a true friendship. It's unfair to decide from a couple messages on a random forum what kind of friendship we've had in the 5 years we've known each other. I didn't have an agenda. He was my friend before (he was pretty much my best friend) and stayed my friend after. I never pursued him. I never tried to do anything that could cause him to question his feelings for his new woman. Even when he would slip and confess feelings for me, I never pushed or prodded. But yes, it gave me hope within that someday things could work out for us down the road if things didn't work out with his girl. And to be honest, I want to be his friend again in the distant future, once I've completely gotten over him and hold no feelings. We were such good friends and despite what everyone here will want to tell me, he's a really good guy. I know if I reach a point where I can have him back in my life as a friend again, it won't be for quite a long while.

 

Saying goodbye won't be dramatic. I'm not going to sob and tell him I want him back or anything ridiculous like that. I'm literally going to tell him that I'm having a hard time letting go of my feelings, so I'm going to cut off ties. Due to my job, I actually see him once or twice a week and we always have a quick chat for a few minutes. I want him to understand why I'm going to avoid him, and to just let me do so. And yeah, I get what you're saying about blocking, and I'll do that. But saying goodbye is my closure. There's no right or wrong way to get closure, and officially telling him goodbye is going to help me accept that it's over because it's so much more final. And he'll know it too.

 

We'll have to agree to disagree on all of this, though.

[S2B]

I agree. I think he says them impulsively in the moment because he does still carry feelings for me. But then he regrets them since he has moved on and tries to take them back.

 

But when I still love him so much and want to be back together, saying those things to me gives me so much hope. If it was any other guy I'd think they were a douche. But I know the connections we had and I'm having a hard time accepting that he's truly let go and moved on. Truth be told, I think he's moved on (obviously) but never really got over me.

 

Since we are still friends and in each others lives to certain extents, I think I might call or text him to let him no we should no longer be in contact. Maybe that's what I need to move on for good. Because as long as he keeps sending me messages, I'm going to be hooked.

 

Think about this:

 

You have no man for intimacy and sharing a life with. Yet he has two women to fulfill all his needs - one to marry and a backup plan to fill in the gaps

 

What's fair about that for you?

 

 

You won't be 'open to' a new man to be close to as long as you stay focused on him and what he isn't doing to be a vital part of your life.

 

 

 

Be kind to yourself! Give yourself the opportunity to find a man who makes only you his top priority! Let this guy GO. Then you can live a little!

[Kaley]

Think about this:

 

You have no man for intimacy and sharing a life with. Yet he has two women to fulfill all his needs - one to marry and a backup plan to fill in the gaps

 

What's fair about that for you?

 

 

You won't be 'open to' a new man to be close to as long as you stay focused on him and what he isn't doing to be a vital part of your life.

 

 

 

Be kind to yourself! Give yourself the opportunity to find a man who makes only you his top priority! Let this guy GO. Then you can live a little!

 

I agree with you completely. I know I have to let him go completely. Because you're right, I'm never going to let another man close because I'm keeping him in my thoughts and heart. I am going to cut ties. I'm working up the nerve to do so. If we weren't able to stay friends it wouldn't be so hard. But I really will miss him. Not just the hopes and dreams I associated with him, but having him as a friend. We really did mesh so well and he's been an important part of my life for so long, as a friend, then partner, now a friend again. I know saying goodbye will break my heart, but I have to start looking out for myself now. I need to leave my heart available for someone I'm meant to be with.

[stillafool]

Oh Kaley I was once in a situation like yours with an ex. He was engaged and chasing me telling me he was still in love with me. I said really? "Break it off with her and we can be together." They have now been married over 20 years with 3 kids. Don't believe anything until he breaks it off. No one is so nice and loyal that they will commit their entire life to someone else when in love with another.

[Simon Phoenix]

I respect your opinion, but I 100% consider him a genuine friend. While I still carry feelings for him, it doesn't mean we didn't have a true friendship. It's unfair to decide from a couple messages on a random forum what kind of friendship we've had in the 5 years we've known each other. I didn't have an agenda. He was my friend before (he was pretty much my best friend) and stayed my friend after. I never pursued him. I never tried to do anything that could cause him to question his feelings for his new woman. Even when he would slip and confess feelings for me, I never pushed or prodded. But yes, it gave me hope within that someday things could work out for us down the road if things didn't work out with his girl. And to be honest, I want to be his friend again in the distant future, once I've completely gotten over him and hold no feelings. We were such good friends and despite what everyone here will want to tell me, he's a really good guy. I know if I reach a point where I can have him back in my life as a friend again, it won't be for quite a long while.

 

Saying goodbye won't be dramatic. I'm not going to sob and tell him I want him back or anything ridiculous like that. I'm literally going to tell him that I'm having a hard time letting go of my feelings, so I'm going to cut off ties. Due to my job, I actually see him once or twice a week and we always have a quick chat for a few minutes. I want him to understand why I'm going to avoid him, and to just let me do so. And yeah, I get what you're saying about blocking, and I'll do that. But saying goodbye is my closure. There's no right or wrong way to get closure, and officially telling him goodbye is going to help me accept that it's over because it's so much more final. And he'll know it too.

 

We'll have to agree to disagree on all of this, though.

 

You are misunderstanding what I'm saying. I'm not saying your entire friendship was a false front from the beginning. I completely believe it was legitimate before you were in a relationship and during the relationship. But after the relationship died, I do think there was part of you that was staying his "friend" to stay on his radar and get a second chance and for him, I feel like he liked having you there as a "friend" as a bit of a safety net/ego boost. Your original friendship was surely genuine, but I think if you're honest with yourself part of you was using the post-breakup friendship as a way to stay connected to this man in hopes that he'd come back. And if he's honest he'd say that part of him was exploiting that and playing that up for his own benefit.

 

I think the goodbye talk is superfluous and unnecessary and I think it'd be healthier for you to not use him for your own closure, but you'll do what you want.

[BC1980]

OP, I read some of your previous threads, and, now, I remember you. I responded to a thread of yours back in May. Then, you stated that this guy asked for space, but, in this thread, you stated that you initiated the need for space. You've also dated someone else during all of this time. I knew something about this situation didn't add up.

 

So what really happened? I'm guessing this guy dumped you and found someone else quickly (the same thing he did to his ex before you). I vote for you to go NC on him, but, since you will inevitably run into him at work, you might need to tell him that going forward, you would appreciate it if he would only communicate with you about work related issues.

[kendahke]

Hi, sorry, I'm not an OP it was a general question.. about loving someone, but dating other people to try and move on..

 

If a dumped does that, I understand.. but when a dumper starts seeing other people, does it necessarily mean that the love is gone? Or could it be a mean of distraction?

 

Love on the order of "I care what happens to you" probably doesn't leave.

 

Love on the order of "I love you/I am in love with you and want a life with you" would have to leave if you're putting action to those words with someone new.