Best way to handle situation with my M.I.L?

[Thinkalot]

Hi all...as some of you know I married just a few weeks ago, and am feeling happy and lucky, and our wedding went very well.

 

We married in Fiji and close friends and family spent about 5 days with us in the lead up to the wedding which was lovely.

 

The thing was, my mother in law, and my sister in law acted oddly the whole time. The didnt speak to the rest of the group much at all, and seemed distant, and frankly, rude. Their behaviour was noticed by most people.

 

Part of the reason could be that my father in law was also there, with a lady friend. He has no issues with his ex-wife anymore, but neither she, nor his daughter (my SIL) speak to him at all. They have been apart now for more than 10 years.

 

Anyway, my MIL and SIL and I have always been friendly and had no problems at all- we are not super close, but I have always thought we had a problem free relationship.

 

And yet, I too was ignored by them in Fiji. Even when it was just my husband and I going to speak to them, I would be snubbed. I am a sensitive person, and I tend to take things on, so I ended up in tears a few times. At first H told me not to worry about it, then he noticed it too, and said he was dissapointed with their behaviour.

To top it all off, at the actual wedding, his mother did not speak a word to me, not one word, the entire evening. I did not let it spoil my day by any means. I simply blocked them out and decided not to let it bother me on my wedding day. It did hurt however and it did make me angry and dissapointed in them. I meanwhile had contined to be pleasant right up until the wedding, and even gave her a little hankie (I dropped it off) for the wedding, which I had embroidered with the words "for happy tears we'll share as a family". I value family and I tried my best to include them in the special day.

 

A good friend told H and I not to say anything then (we didnt want any fuss) but that maybe H should say something about it later and find out what was going on, or at least make his mother aware that she had been so rude to me, and that I had noticed and been hurt.

 

Anyway...we are now back home. He was at her place last night, however did not have a chance to speak with his mum privately about it as his sister and her boyfriend were there. He said he will phone her to discuss it. I realise I might not get a sorry, or an explanation, I just feel like I want it at least brought up, so she is made aware and it's put out there.

 

I feel angry with her still and know I should let that go. Once H has spoken to her, the ball will be in her court, and if she chooses to do nothing about it, it is her loss I guess.

 

Am I right to want my husband still to raise this issue with his mum? Should I say anything to her directly? Should I simply let it all go? (that would be hard for me!)

Also, as some of you know, I have had insecurities in the past, in comparing myself to my husband's ex-wife. It doesnt help knowing that she and my MIL were very close. It sort of makes it harder.

[moimeme]

Part of the reason could be that my father in law was also there, with a lady friend. He has no issues with his ex-wife anymore, but neither she, nor his daughter (my SIL) speak to him at all. They have been apart now for more than 10 years.

 

They probably had a very difficult time spending all that time near him and his gf. And when you're feeling wretched, it's hard to be nice to anyone. They may have thought it wouldn't bother them but realized when they got there that it bothered them a LOT but they were in Fiji so they couldn't just take a cab home.

 

I would let it be for a while. Give them time to get over it. I'm guessing they both realized they were feeling upset and grumpy and chose to not speak lest they, in their unhappy moods, say something they'd regret.

 

Try to put yourself in their place. They haven't spoken to this guy in 10 years so there's still a lot of hurt that never cleared up. It must have been just wretched for them - and then they'd feel bad because people were probably being nice to him and her and often when someone hates someone they don't want anyone else to like that person.

[RecordProducer]

Originally posted by Thinkalot

Am I right to want my husband still to raise this issue with his mum? Should I say anything to her directly?

 

Absolutely not!!!!! Act as if nothing ever happened. It's obvious that this is your first marriage. Rule number one: never say anything against his mother whatsoever. How would it feel for you if he said anything against your mom?

No matter how hard it is for you, you should tolerate her and be kind to her. You don't have to love her, just respect her. She doesn't have to respect you, it's her own business. You can hate her in your heart, but never show it. She is not your enemy or your friend, she is your husband's mother. If you try to stand in between them, you'll be the one to lose. He will never turn against his mother, he will always love her the same no matter what she does or says. His love for her is unconditional. His love for you is conditional. Remember that!

[CurlyIam]

I don't quite agree to RP. It was your wedding, her son's wedding, she could at least make the effort to seem happy. Like, I don't know, say ONE word to you? Nice word would be even better.

 

I agree to not say anything to her. That's your husband's business, not your own. Time will come when you will barry your husband's children, so remember that you hold all the cards in this issue. Yes, you have all the right to be upset because she put herself first, before her son, before you, before your wedding. she did this on purpose, just to make a point.

 

As far as her relationship with your hubby's ex, that's her issue. They can be best friends, that should make no difference to the way she needs to treat you.

 

 

I do believe you should expect apologies and you should tell your husband that you do. If you let her walk all over you now, when you've barely entered the family, what about later? Very disrespectful, in a very unsuitable moment and very hurtful, I might add. Be cold. Like they were cold towards you. NOt mean, not nothing. Cold. And stand up for yourself. This type of behaviour during your wedding is untolerable.

[Caidy]

it was her wedding, hon. I don't care how hurt you are, when someone is getting married you put that aside to be happy for them.

 

How many days of our lives are dedicated to just us? That was Think's special day, and her selfish mother in law ruined it.

 

Don't get me wrong, I have family I can't stand, and family that can't stand me. But, when it comes to things like weddings, I believe that every one should put on a happy face.

[RecordProducer]

Curly you sound like you've never been married.

Thinkalot, if your husband expected an apology from your mom, how would you feel? Honestly, no matter how rude my mom would be, I'd like to see my husband tolerant and forgiving. If he showed me that he didn't notice my mom's rude behavior, I would think of him as a good person with good manners. However if he would argue with me about my mom's behavior, I would be very offended, let alone to request an apology. It would hurt me a lot and would put me in a defense mode. I would be on my mom's side and even if I would argue with my mom about her behavior, I would never let my husband know that I argued with my mom because of him. I expect from my H to accept and respect my mother and I will do the same with his parents. Any form of hostility he would show towards my parents would make him low in my eyes. They are the way they are and no one can change them. I would prefer if my husband would be more concerned about how to NOT offend me than how to get an apology from my mother. She's older than you and she is his mother. You're going to have to see her for many years so don't do things that can't be undone afterwards.

Apologies we don't request. If people feel like apologizing, they will. Forcing her to apologize is making her your enemy.

[CurlyIam]

On any other ocasion, I'd say you're 100% right. Cross my heart and hope to die !!!!

 

But not when it concerns my wedding day. I only intend to marry once and yes, I dream about having the perfect ceremony and the perfect party afterwards. It's ONE day, the most special day, in a woman's life, except for that when you give birth to your child.

 

That's why I'm uptight about it.

 

Yes, it is a horrible thing to hold a grudge to someone in your new family... but as I said before, it's between youself and his mother. Hubby doesn't need to get in the middle of this. He doesn't even need to know. It has to be in your heart. She'll know it too. Trust me, women feel this stuff.

 

Any form of hostility he would show towards my parents would make him low in my eyes. They are the way they are and no one can change them. I would prefer if my husband would be more concerned about how to NOT offend me than how to get an apology from my mother.

 

100% agreed. Hubby has nothing to do in this picture. It's between you and her. I don't see why you would pretend in front of him that you're fine with his mom's behaviour. You're obviously NOT. But I do agree, you have no business asking him to make his mom appologize. He's not the middle man anymore. You have now a direct relationship with his mom. It's up to the 2 of you to settle the terms. And I do NOT mean confrontation. Something in terms of "forgive, but never figet".

 

You're going to have to see her for many years so don't do things that can't be undone afterwards.

The same is true for her. And guess what: you can keep her an arms length from your family. So she'd better change her attitude if she wants to see those grand children more than twice a year.

 

Forcing her to apologize is making her your enemy.

No one's forcing anyone to do anything. One thing's for sure: letting this go away as if nothing happened is your sure way to her walking all over you.

 

 

 

I guess it all goes down to how much your marriage day means to you. To me it's very very important. In my eyes, what she did is very much disrespectful. That is the truth. The truth is she didn't talk to you, she acted cold towards you, she made you cry. On your marriage day. Act like nothing happened and she'll end up running your marriage. You are not beneath her. You do not owe her anything but love and respect. And this has nothing to do with your husband. This has to do with her having the common curtosy of at least spearing your feelings on your marriage day by smiling and saying one or two kind words to you. Why did she come at all, then? My 2 cents: to make a point! And it got nothing to do with hes son's getting hitched for the second time !!!!

[Thinkalot]

Hi all. Thanks for the many and varied responses.

 

moi- I think you have hit the nail on the head as to why they were so odd all week, and so distant. HOwever, I dont really see it as an acceptable excuse for the way they treated me, especially when we were just with them, one on one. I hear what you are saying though. And yes, they have a truckload of unresolved hurt and anger, and they have no wish to deal with it at this point.

And, the thing was, everyone did get on very well with H's dad and his gf. They were highly involved in all group chatter and gatherings. His dad, who I have never seen much of, could not have been warmer towards me.

 

recordproducer- I understand your points, however I dont agree with them all. The thing is, in the past my husband and my mum had a HUGE rift, for a long time. I was caught in the middle. I was put in the middle. I hated it. He DEMANDED she apologise. I told him not to expect that. It was one of the most hurtful, difficult, gut wrenching times I have ever been through, given that I am an only child and close to my mum.

 

One thing I learnt though, is that when married (de facto, whatever), your spouse does need to start coming first. You become a team, and you need to stand with your partner. Sometimes that meant I had to acknowledge things my mum did which were not fair. It was tough. But I realised I owed him that. If I always somehow simply defended my mum, no matter what, it simply wasn't right, considering the relationship I have with him.

 

So, I view this the same way. Blood may always be stronger, true, and we will always love and forgive our family. Nothing changes that. However, we do owe our spouse respect, and to treat them like our team mate and to support them, particularly if one of OUR family members, even our mum, is being unfair to them. It is such a hard road to tread when you find yourself in that position, but I had a lot of counselling about this, from more than one source, and eventually I learnt that you do need to do that. It doesn't mean you disrespect your family. It does mean though, you need to sometimes be fair and objective.

So, believe me, the shoe has well and truly been on the other foot!

 

Also, my husband is a firm believer in speaking honestly, and not pretending. Even if that includes how he feels about my mother, or how I feel about his mother.

He set that rule down, not me. I actually used to be like you. I used to say "but we always need to say nice things about each others parents". He said, why, if it's bullsh*t..let's be honest and open, and then we can work out the best way of handling things respectfully.

 

caidy- thanks! that's how i felt about it.

 

curly- thanks my wedding day was very important to me. And it was fine...and she didnt make me cry on the day (only the day before...lol) On the day, I ignored her. We only had 20 people, and I seated them at one end, the opposite end to me and his dad

 

I see that you are saying I should be the one to handle this, and not him. I am trying to decide what to do.

Some of the advice here is to ignore it, some is to leave it for now, some is to do something.

What exactly? a phone call? I can leave it, but then there will be this 'thing' as a wedge there, and we will not get back any closeness. On the other hand, if I can talk to her about how hurt I was, and put it in the open, without attacking, maybe we can clear the air a bit.

My husband knows exactly how I feel about this. Heis not particularly close to his mum. He is balanced and objective and much less emotional than I was, when he was having issues with my mum (who he incidentally called every name under the sun, he was so angry with her...and boy did that hurt!)

 

Eventually, by the way, I told mum he felt he needed an apology and was hurt and angry. Eventually she did apologise. Then they both seemed to let a lot go. Neither was perfect or without blame. I am sure they still remember, both of them, but they do seem to have forgiven a lot.

[Thinkalot]

Originally posted by RecordProducer

Absolutely not!!!!! Act as if nothing ever happened. It's obvious that this is your first marriage. Rule number one: never say anything against his mother whatsoever. How would it feel for you if he said anything against your mom? ....

She doesn't have to respect you, it's her own business. You can hate her in your heart, but never show it.

 

I just wanted to highlight this statement...being my first marriage has nothing to do with it, and your comment almost implies I am completely naive in this regard. I am not. It depends on what sort of guidelines we have established in our relationship.

 

we dont have this rule about never saying anything. As I said in my post above, he has said way more than he should have about my mother! Now, being really awful about someone's mother is not on. Being honest about how you find it hard to speak to them, relate to them, feeluncomfortable with them, feel hurt by them, is fine, and what we each expect the other to tell us now. We dont expect each other to solve all those problems. Him speaking to his mum was actually something WE both discussed, and something we also discussed with a close friend of ours who is a counsellor.

We thought it might be away to bring it up, without me making her uncomfortable or putting it on the spot. A way to see what was going on with her. Because that opportunity was lost the other night, it probably wont happen now anyway.

[CurlyIam]

Thinkalot, in the past, it was your bf having an issue with your mom. Your mom did some things that were wrong towards him... this situation right now is different, because now it is his mom acting in a disrespectful manner towards you as a couple.

 

So maybe you should try and solve that as a couple. I think your husband needs to talk to her and let her know that the way she behaved was very selfish, even if she was going through a tough moment herself. However, it is unexcusable that she made you two feel uncomfortable, bad and even sad on your wedding day. It's up to him, as her son, to confront her with this. I think that what you should do is write her a letter stating exactly your worries, your pain, your being in distress about her behaviour.

 

she was attention whoring. I cannot understand why, I do not know her reasons or herself as a person. That's her business.

 

Tell her in that letter that if you are gonna be part not only of her family, but of her life, this behaviour needs to change. That you care for her and that she is very important to both of you, and exactly because she is this important, her behaviour affects you. And if she hurts and disrespects you as a couple, you'll have no other choice but to protect yourself and shut her off. Off your heart and yes, maybe even off your life.

 

 

Then see what happens next, when she knows your feelings. You'll at least feel better for speaking your mind.

 

I believe that especially since she's this cold, a face to face talk isn't a good choice. Phone - hiding behind the receiver...

 

Your husband knows her best. Ask him what he thinks the solution is. Work this out together. And don't let him see you get very mad at her. Make him understand you're hurt... and seek together a way out.

[Thinkalot]

Thanks Curly for your support and your advice. Much appreciated.

we spoke about this last night. He said, that since he didn't have a chance to talk to her himself, he thinks it may be better coming directly from me. He agrees something should be said, considering how bad I feel (he isn't too bothered, he is only bothered that I am hurt- he doesnt even mind if I am not close to his family, whereas I always want him to be close to my family lol!)

 

I suggested I write a letter. He thinks a letter is a copout and that talking is best. ie a phone call. Not sure about that. I feel better with a letter myself.

 

will think on it.

[CurlyIam]

Men ! they'll never do the dirty job for us!!

 

Take her out to dinner, bring the photo album and then, over coffee and cake, maybe you can talk about it.

 

I'm not too sure about this, though. I don't know how close you two are, if she trusts or value your opinion. I still think that he'd better be the one to deal with it. If it didn't bother him that much, it doesn't mean any less that his mother was disrepsectful towards him also.

[Thinkalot]

True. He might speak to her still during a phone call. We didnt really decide on a set course. He has a bad cold right now and wasnt in much of a mood to discuss it, understandably

 

I still like the letter thing.

[CurlyIam]

Aargghhh, I hate it when they have good excuses too, LOL! Take good care of your new () hubby, I'm sure you're be on top of things.

[moimeme]

Why not just let it go? It's over. You got married. No, it wasn't perfect, but nothing is. Really, life is way too short to nurse your anger/frustration/whatever about this.

 

Let

 

it

 

go

 

 

If the behaviour continues, then maybe there's an issue. If they go back to being pleasant with you, chalk it up to the stress of the situation and let it pass. And drop this 'well when my mom' etc. Do not erect a scoreboard and start chalking up evenses and oddsies or all will be lost.

[RecordProducer]

Originally posted by Thinkalot

As I said in my post above, he has said way more than he should have about my mother!

 

Now I understand the situation better. He has hurt you before very much by saying bad things about your mother. Now you want to show him how it feels.

Don't think that I wouldn't feel the same as you. But I am trying to recommend what I think would be wise to do. With time you will learn that justice is not always the one that makes us feel good.

Stinging the mom-spot of our hearts is very painful. If you pull that trigger you will lose a place in your husband's heart that will never be soft again. He did that with your mom. Just think about it!

It's so easy to be sensitive, get hurt, and not forgive; everyone can do that. It's hard to be above the anger and frustration. As Moimeme said you're nursing the negative feelings and stuff like that kill marriages. Your MIL made a mistake as a MIL but you're making a mistake as a wife now.

After all, she ignored you, she didn't say or do anything mean to you. If she acts normally with you now then why dig it out over and over again until it becomes a war?

I think you're chronically upset with your husband, you've been arguing frequently with him lately and you're just thinking of reasons to express your inner anger. If I were you, I would look deeper in my heart for the real motives.

[johan]

Not ever having been through a wedding or anything else quite that special, here is my qualified response: regardless of the situation, there will always be people who won't be big or strong enough to put aside their own issues, even at the risk of seeming rude. You can't confront them all, and there's no point in going back trying to resolve it or get an explanation. You can't change what happened at your wedding, and saying something could just make it worse.

 

You're generally better off taking it as a lesson about them and trying to understand. If there was something bothering them so much, we all know it would have been 100 times better for them to actually say something about it and get it fixed than to mope around and give people the cold shoulder. You know that, but they don't. I think that's good information to have about them, so you've gained. They know they acted foolish and they have to live with that now, so they've lost.

[Thinkalot]

Originally posted by moimeme

And drop this 'well when my mom' etc. Do not erect a scoreboard and start chalking up evenses and oddsies or all will be lost.

 

I don't think I was thinking of playing that game at all moi. I only brought up the issues with my mum on here, to explain how we have handled conflict with parents in the past, and that we are open with one another about our feelings. I certainly have not brought up these issues with my husband, as in a "well, I did this with my mum" or "you did this" etc. It hasn't ever been raised as part of this issue.

 

I know I know. Let it go. I hear you all. I will try. Easier said than done. I hate brushing things under the carpet. I'd rather address it, in a nice fashion, than pretend it was never there. I am not saying I was going to rip into his mother. I can leave it. But it will still be there..just under the surface. I prefer things out in the open. Honest. Talked about. That's always how my family has operated. I guess it's what I am used to. So many things seem to go unsaid in my husband's family. It's hard for me to relate to their way of doing things at the best of times.

 

record producer, you said

"Now I understand the situation better. He has hurt you before very much by saying bad things about your mother. Now you want to show him how it feels. "

 

well, no, I am not doing this to somehow get even with him. It's not an issue I have with my husband at all. I'm not trying to be mean or even a scorecard. I didn't think of it that way.

 

And we haven't been arguing all the time lately. We've been arguing the same amount as we normally do. We've been happy. We will never be a couple who only has the odd argument. It's not us. We do wish we could be calmer, and we will always work on improving us. But that doesn't mean I am chronically unhappy with him. On the other hand, I am thrilled to have married him.

 

Perhaps there are some issues deeper down driving this. They arent things I am conscious of though, but I can have a think.

 

Johan- your philosophical advice makes sense. It's good advice. Harder to take on though when emotions are involved.

[CurlyIam]

As I see it, she was attention wh*ring at your wedding at your expense. As I said in my initial post, it all depends on how much this wedding means to you.

 

Why would you spare anyone's feelings and be the "adult" when she was being so selfish on your expense during the one day that meant so much to you? Sure, she doesn't owe you anything and she did not promise you to make you happy, lol!

 

Maybe I'm wrong here, but faking an 'I'm ok with it' will only make her continue this crazy behaviour. She acted this way because she wanted to make a point. She wanted to send a message. I don't see why you shouldn't understand what this message was. Maybe you did something else before, something that offended her. And I don't mean here inviting the your husband's father.

 

Maybe it's a stupid misunderstanding. Just like you, I'm much more comfortable laying all the cards on the table. Talking about it. Not biting her head off, of course.

 

 

 

People in Europe really do have preconceived pov. What someone doesn't understand is that one gets the parents in law one desirves. You can educate them, you are the one shaping your relationship with them. If you talk about this issue, it doesn't mean you're asking for trouble or picking on her. You are solving a problem as adults do. Mind you, you're not her flesh and blood to unconditionally take all her fists and identity crisis.

[moimeme]

I hate brushing things under the carpet. ... But it will still be there..just under the surface.

 

Sorry, my friend, but that translates to 'I hold grudges'. You yourself said this was uncharacteristic of them. In your own words acted oddly the whole time That they were usually ok with you and didn't treat you like this. Therefore this was an unusual situation and an unusual circumstance. So treat it like the exception it was and let it go.

 

Please listen to Johan

 

regardless of the situation, there will always be people who won't be big or strong enough to put aside their own issues, even at the risk of seeming rude. You can't confront them all, and there's no point in going back trying to resolve it or get an explanation. You can't change what happened at your wedding, and saying something could just make it worse.

 

He's a million per cent correct. Others may not behave well when in pain. Be compassionate and allow them that. We're none of us saintly when wounded, now are we?

[Thinkalot]

I havent done anything at this point. I am still thinking about it.

I have no intention of attacking if I do mention it.

I have never seen myself as a person who holds grudges. I can't think of any other grudges I am holding. Maybe though, it is something I need to look at about myself. I can always rely on you Merry to make me aware of areas I may need to work on! lol

 

I would like to add here though, that prior to the wedding, they have also hurt my feelings, by their complete lack of involvement with things, despite my best efforts to include them.

 

I suppose I am coming from a place, where I have already tried to push hurts away and let them go in the past. Sometime I feel like I have tried to forster a close relationship, and yet, have hit a brick wall at times.

 

I had a hens weekend away for example. I would have been happy if it had just been them (MIL and SIL) and my mum, and best friend. The people I wanted to involve most. I chatted to them about it etc. They were given invitations, and then when it came closer, I found out through my best friend who was organising things, that they werent going. They didnt call me, or tell me, or talk to me. They knew months in advance, but then had work committments, and his sister just couldnt go.

 

That would be fine, if they had bothered to actually call and talk to me. In reverse, I certainly would do that for them. I felt like I kept trying to be open, and friendly and involving them...but in response got nothing.

 

This might sound like I am making mountains out of molehills. I am ready for such a comment! But I have to say I was really hurt, given the context etc. Then I didn't hear from them again before the wedding, except one day when we all met for lunch, with my husband there.

 

I have been told I am too soft, too sensitive, and naively expect people to treat me the same way I would treat them, which sets myself up for dissapointment, considering people invariably dont do that! I take that on as a valid point.

 

I just wanted to point out that their behaviour in Fiji, and at the wedding especially, comes on top of other things. I am losing respect and warmth for them very quickly.

I have tried to forster a good relationship with my MIL and I dont feel like she has given much at all in return.

 

I suppose it's time I gave up. Wanting to talk to her about any issues she may have with me, and her wedding behaviour is really just another attempt at wanting to forster better relations with her...rather than just sitting back in some kind of distant, surface relationship. But maybe I should just settle for that.

[Thinkalot]

To all who have given me advice...I just wanted to add, I have been reflecting and have decided to say nothing for now. I'll let this go and see how they treat me in the future. If they are still rude, well then, I'll know there is a problem. If they are pleasant, then I'll know it was just their own issues at play in Fiji.

I am still angry and hurt. I will work on letting that go as best I can andon not holding a grudge .

I also feel sad in a way, because after reflecting, and even as I typed my last post yesterday, I realised I have been hoping for a relationship with them, which I obviously am never going to have. From now on, I think I will just be pleasant, and turn up when I am required. Nothing more than that, nothing less. I dont have much warmth left for them. But if they are happy to be distant and cool, then why should I worry anymore?- I will treat them the same way. My husband doesn't mind- he doesnt care if we are not all close. So I am burning way too much energy either on trying to be friendly or on being hurt and angry. Pleasant and distant. A bit sad from where I stand, but much easier.

If they reach out to me, then good.

[moimeme]

wanting to forster

 

You type with an accent!

 

Are they warm people in general It sounds like not. Do you find they're treating you very differently from the way they treat other folks or are they just reserved and undemonstrative anyway. Maybe they're one of those families that circles the wagons - are nice with family but 'family' only counts when it's blood.

 

Lots of possibilities, Thinkalot. Maybe they knew you and Bunnyboy were having troubles and think the marriage will be hard on him.

 

expect people to treat me the same way I would treat them, which sets myself up for dissapointment, considering people invariably dont do that

 

Yup. Expectations are the road to disappointment. If you can manage to 'detach' as the Buddhists say, you'll have an easier time of it. Folks is folks. Or, as is said in one of the other colonies 'There's none so queer as folk'!

[swirlingdaisy]

Don't start out your marriage with a bunch of newly created issues. The most important thing is that you married the man of your dreams and you're starting your life together. While MIL and SIL are his family/part of your new family, it's your husband that matters most. I'm sure he'll find out what the problem was, if there was one....it may have had nothing to do with you at all. Don't sweat the small stuff.

[Thinkalot]

Thanks.

 

Merry- they are not very demonstrative with anyone. They always seem reserved. His dad and brother are the opposite...always open, chatty, giving hugs etc. Whereas it seems hard for them to have even hugs on greeting sometimes. Having wedding pics taken, in the groups etc, they didnt even manage to speak to me, but chatted to H. Anyone in the vicinity noticed- it was impossible not to.

 

Also, I too thought maybe they knew of our troubles and were worried about him. However, have now heard from a friend who was there and sittingnext to them at the table, that during the wedding reception MIL actually said to her, "what a beautiful day this has been, I can't think of a better suited couple", and that she cried when I sang H a song.

So clearly Merry, you were right in assuming their issues in Fiji were not related to me personally, rather them dealing with their own unresolved hurts and angers, and grudges! It's just too bad she didn't manage to speak a word to me, and say that to me- that she couldn't get past her own issues long enough, abd be big enough, just to do the right thing at our wedding, instead of completely ignoring me.

But like you all say (and yes I have been listening), I can't always make people behave as they should, or expect them to say sorry when they dont.

 

This letting go of hurt and anger thing is hard for me, but once the letting go starts, I can see how it will make life much easier for me, than all the emotional angst does.

 

And yep, my husband is the main thing. We are currently in a loving cycle- giving each other lots, which is breeding more giving etc. I love it when its like this for us. It isn't always, and never will be...but it's so warm and fuzzy when it's all working.