Best way to handle situation with my M.I.L?

[moimeme]

Curly, Thinkalot has a LOT of things that bug her badly. And much of that has to do with being stuck with an OCD brain that MAKES you get stuck on things that bother you. And the cure is not to go off on everyone who bothers her (she's only just learning to NOT do that to her husband) but to learn to NOT LET THINGS GET TO HER.

 

It isn't being helpful, IMHO, to continue to encourage her to give in to these impulses when she's been fighting a long and valiant battle to get control of them.

[CurlyIam]

I think exactly the opposite, miss moi. If I've got a problem and I don't solve it, not thinking about it won't do the trick, because it stays unsolved. Her NOT THINKING ABOUT IT won't make those awful women respect her.

 

I don't get it, exactly BEACAUSE she has OCD she needs to deal with things and stop hiding behind her husband and cry every time someone isn't being nice to her.

 

Its much MUCH more difficult to have the guts to go out there and speak your mind that to shut up and pretend it's not getting to you. It is getting to her. So why be a hypocrite and say something which is not true?

[Thinkalot]

Hi all. Thanks for continued feedback. I might try talking in a nice way.

 

In the meantime, I better shut up about it one way or the other at home.

[moimeme]

Curly, read up on OCD. The more you give in to it, the more hold it gets on you.

[CurlyIam]

Ok, moi, I'll google it.

[Thinkalot]

Hi - for those of you have been kind enough to follow this issue and offer advice, i felt I should share- I called my MIL today.

 

I was nervous, but I did not feel angry anymore, and I knew that was a major plus, that would allow me to handle myself well.

 

We made some small talk, and then I basically said "Look, I wanted to call as a few things have been troubling me..I couldnt help but notice we hardly spoke in Fiji, and even at the wedding you were distant and didnt speak a word to me...I get quite sensitive and hurt, worrying that things aren't OK. I wasn't sure whether to call you about this, but I'd rather be honest, and us have a good relationship, so I thought it best to see if you have any issues with me, or if you were perhaps just uncomfortable at the wedding with the ex there". (I managed to avoid going into any details of things, or being too picky, and am glad I did that...I tried to sound honest, calm and concerned- with no anger, or upset etc)

 

When she replied, her voice sounded nervous and strained (like mine no doubt did...my heart was pounding). She said "it had nothing to do with you, i was very uncomfortable to say the least, and I didnt realise it would be so hard. And then with him up there larger than life all the time, it was tough. Noone knows what happened all those years ago but it just brought it all back, and I tried to stay away from wherever he was...etc etc". She actually sounded like she started to cry on the phone speaking about the pain she still feels. How awful for her

 

She said that my husband had suggested she try letting it go, through meditation etc, and I also said I thought maybe that would help her as would perhaps talking to someone, and that I was very sorry she felt so uncomfortable. I said I was glad to know things were OK with us, and that I was sorry it was all still so much for her.

 

She did not say sorry. But that's OK, it truly is. Because now I have aired what was on my chest, and created some line of honest communication between us, and also had doubts removed that she had other issues with me. If anything I feel sorry for her. It's true she wasnt big enough to put that aside, for our wedding, but she obviously simply was not capable of doing so. And that's sad.

 

She said she doesnt think she can come to our birthday party afterall, and that it had nothing to do with her son and me. I think that is also a shame for her, and clearly over the years we will have to see them separately for such celebrations sometimes, or else she sadly is going to miss out.

 

I said I hoped she was able to enjoy the wedding anyway, and she said it was really beautiful and yes, she did.

 

Then we chatted some more and it was pleasant. Then she said shehad our wedding present there to give to us! They have just bought it this weekend. So there you go. You never do know what's going on, and lots of assumptions, and guesses can sometimes be wrong.

 

I feel much lighter and better about this now. I feel compassion for her, and I know that I can certainly let go of this, and accept her.

 

Thanks for the wise advice all round. It helped me approach the phone call in a good way.

[moimeme]

So there you go. You never do know what's going on, and lots of assumptions, and guesses can sometimes be wrong.

 

That's just exactly it. I'm glad you approached it so gently. She sounds like she needs your care and compassion even more than you need hers! You did just exactly right by asking rather than starting out with 'Im offended by what you did' or 'you really hurt me when'...

 

He must have been really horrid to her for her to feel so bad because of seeing him. And just think - it seems she's not ever even told her son or anyone (except her daughter I guess) about what he did that was so bad - that's something pretty unusual!

 

Maybe you can have some events that you don't invite FIL to so you can have MIL and SIL over in a less strained atmosphere.

[CurlyIam]

Thinkalot, I am sooooo happy for finally having the courage to speak up. It's a great feeling to see that you're actually being straight with the other person, it's a major important step.

 

It's what I've been saying all along, it can be nothing but a big missunderstanding.

 

I am even more pleased that you got your wedding gift, it's marveleous. While reading through your post, I was thinking "the gift, please, let her give the newly weds a small gift, please".

 

I'm really happy for you, having a good relationship with your in laws is indeed very important - to me, anyway.

 

It's a big accomplishment, Thinkalot, you are one stong lady !

[moimeme]

It's good she spoke up only because she's had what people suggested to her confirmed - that the MIL and SIL were miserable and beside themselves at the wedding. However, Thinkalot would have saved herself several weeks' worth of misery had she been able to fight off the thoughts that made her miserable in the first place. So while it's good that her doubts about the character of the MIL and SIL are allayed, in the best of all possible worlds, she'd not be assailed with those doubts at all or would be able to fight them off and disregard them.

 

A large majority of the problems we have with people stem from misunderstandings. Just as Lil' Honey said;

One person would be feeling X and the other person would interpret it as Y.

Our injuries stem from how we interpret others' actions.

 

Most of this thread dealt with people imputing motives to the MIL and SIL - most of them unpleasant, from 'manipulation' to 'attention-seeking'. All those purported motives existed solely in the heads of the 'observers' and were not based on fact. And people do this all the time - assume you understand someone's motives, presume they are injurious, and then get mad or upset at the person BECAUSE YOU THINK THEY MEAN TO INJURE YOU even when it's not true. If you didn't assume injury was intentional in the first place, you wouldn't end up feeling hurt/insulted/etc.

 

The best policy, IMHO, is to assume that people who appear to have done something injurious to you did it unintentionally and without malice and that whatever's been done is a result of them responding to their own issues until you have evidence to the contrary.

 

Or, as Tony's sig says; Never ascribe to malice that which can adequately be explained by incompetence

or that which can adequately be explained as others' issues.

 

If you go around with your 'insult radar' tuned to 'high' so that you think everyone is hurting/insulting/injuring you all of the time, you lead a very miserable life. Not that I'm saying you do, Thinkalot, but this is in response to everyone who urged Thinkalot to interpret her family's actions as something other than what it was - two people's reactions to their own hurt.

[CurlyIam]

Oh, shoulda, woulda, coulda

 

The main thing is that she did it. She got it off her chest. I've always said that Thinkalot is one smart laday and you know that too, so things like telling the MIL straight to her face "you're a disspointment" is trully less likely to happen.

 

I don't care about what she should do, about the "Right" way. All I know is that it's important to SOLVE your problems by yourself. Your own way. IT's Thinkalot's business to think of how she's most comfortable doing so.

 

 

If she doesn't deal with it, she'll go round in cercles. And misunderstanings, etc. IT's solved. No need to make theoretical suppositions. I'm happy that she's happy and that's the end of the deal.

 

she has a brain and she can judge for herself. All I dare do is come up with my own opinion and eventually make suggestion. Which she's wellcome to take or leave. I do care deeply for her, and just like you, I want only the best for her. But it's her choice to define what 'best' is.

 

 

She did a wonderful job, picked one incredible husband, I'm sure she's more than qualified to make the choices that most fit her character and lifestyle .

[moimeme]

This has nothing to do with her intellect, talent, or ability. It has to do with a condition that shanghais all of those and damages her ability to use those talents unhindered. You just don't get it, do you?

[CurlyIam]

I believe you're underestimating Thinkalot and you like to think for herself. Because you want the best for her. Let her go out there. LEt her try. Let her go. I trust her. And if she makes mistakes, it's not the end of the world.

 

She must learn how to be independant. From those around her, from her husband and from you. Just my 2 cents, of course,

 

Curly

[moimeme]

No, Curly. She needs to shake loose from the grip of a condition that makes her life miserable. And still needs support in that battle because it's a long hard battle.

[CurlyIam]

Moi, you are a strong woman. I know you want to protect her and you want to be that support for her. My pov is that if you turn into a constant support and she constantly uses you for support, you'll end up cripling her.

 

No, she is not that defenseless. SHe can fight it. Every desease CAN be hold under control. One must be determined to do so. You think that the deseas takes control over her. I think NO, it's not true. NEVER. Otherwise, she'd better go to an institution directly.

 

She is STRONG. She is able to fight it. And we are here to HELP. We simply have a different opinion on it. It's what enriches this board.

[Thinkalot]

moi and curly- thanks both for caring

[moimeme]

My pov is that if you turn into a constant support and she constantly uses you for support, you'll end up cripling her.

 

No, she is not that defenseless. SHe can fight it. Every desease CAN be hold under control. One must be determined to do so. You think that the deseas takes control over her. I think NO, it's not true. NEVER. Otherwise, she'd better go to an institution directly

 

Curly, PLEASE do some reading about OCD. OCD is not psychosis and it's not a mental illness. It's not something people would be institutionalized over, except maybe in extremely rare cases. However it can control and ruin people's entire lives. As in until they die. And in fact people with a kind of OCD that makes them hoard possessions have died by being crushed under their own stuff. Yes, she can fight it, but it's hellish hard, which is why people sometimes have to use meds and need the help of therapists.

 

Every desease CAN be hold under control. One must be determined to do so

 

And that, unfortunately, illustrates that you have a TON to learn about ailments of the brain. In fact, science has now discovered that most of these are physical ailments and that people can no more 'determine' to hold them under control than they can 'determine' to not be diabetic or to not wear glasses.

[Thinkalot]

Originally posted by moimeme

Yes, she can fight it, but it's hellish hard, which is why people sometimes have to use meds and need the help of therapists.

 

 

no arguments from me on that one. It is extremely hard, and often feels like it has this unwanted hold on my head. Sometimes the best I can do is minimise the impact the unwanted obsessive thoughts have, and dispell them as quickly as possible. I can't stop them from entering my head in the first place. And that fact drives me crazy some days.

[moimeme]

(((HUGS)))

[CurlyIam]

Originally posted by moimeme

And that, unfortunately, illustrates that you have a TON to learn about ailments of the brain. In fact, science has now discovered that most of these are physical ailments and that people can no more 'determine' to hold them under control than they can 'determine' to not be diabetic or to not wear glasses.

 

So what's your point? You've lost me. If one is diabetic, she takes insulin, if it's got a por view, it can exercise their eyes if they're children or wear lanses or glasses or have surgery. I thought we were talking about attitude in front of mental deseases. No one is excused for being sick, especially since we're talking OCD or ADD or ADHD. No one gave me a higher mark because I had troubles concentrating while passing my exams. That's why I had to work extra hard for it. It's not even a matter of work, it's a matter of determination, of attitude in front of the desease.

 

I didn't say that attitude cures the it, I'd really appreciate you stop twisting my words.

 

This is going off hand, because it's not about the MIL or SIL, it's about you dieng to be right. Well, although you meant well, you weren't, so you'd better accept it. Jeez, the fuss people would make about it !!

 

Thinkalot, I'm just glad you're better. Irrespective of this whole situation .

[moimeme]

I didn't say that attitude cures the it

 

I didn't say you did. You said this:

 

Every desease CAN be hold under control. One must be determined to do so

 

And that's also incorrect. Some people sometimes have some success battling those conditions but generally it can't be done by determination alone. Depends how severe your case is. Fine for you that you managed. Thank God you did because plenty of people are plenty determined and still can't beat the physical ailments into submission.

 

It's the sort of attitude that people can 'control these things by determination' that makes folks feel bad and wrong for having the conditions and needing meds or therapy It stigmatizes them - of course it's based on complete and utter ignorance of the true nature of the conditions and the most successful ways to treat them.

[moimeme]

although you meant well, you weren't

 

As a matter of fact, I was 100% correct, as were several others who suggested the MIL was feeling terrible because of the FIL being there and that's why she was so silent and seemingly unfriendly.

[CurlyIam]

YES, MOI, YOU WERE RIGHT, YOU ARE ALWAYS RIGHT, AS A MATTER OF FACT YOU'RE PERFECT

 

 

Just teasing!

 

Whatever, if it makes you feel better at night thinking that, good for you . This thread is getting a bit sterile bacause it's not helping no one anymore.

[moimeme]

I'm hoping that anybody reading who believes the myth that people can 'control' things like OCD and ADHD by dint of will will be disabused of that misconception. A lot of people (like Thinkalot) are hurt by that erroneous notion.

[CurlyIam]

Only to contradict you - since you think it's such an annoying habit :

 

ADD/ADHD

 

http://www.always-health.com/ADD_ADHD_%20right%20treatment.html

Title of the article ADD/ADHD: CAN BE CONTROLLED WITH THE RIGHT TREATMENT

 

Main poin: it can be corrected, if not at least held under control by medication and counselling.

 

More:

 

http://www.helpguide.org/mental/adhd_treatments_coping.htm

 

ADHD or ADD: Treatments and Coping Strategies

 

and finally, a really good article on adult ADHD:

 

http://www.aafp.org/afp/20001101/2077.html

 

"Adult ADHD: Evaluation and Treatment in Family Medicine" - with more than a third of it dedicated to keeping the disability under control through pharmacotheraphy, self management strategies and psychotherapy .

 

 

OCD:

 

http://www.trichotillomania.co.uk/OCD/OCDTherapy/Therapist.htm

 

Compulsion Control is Possible

 

http://www.mentalhealth.com/book/p45-ocd1.html#Head_6

 

the part called "Treatment of OCD; Progress Through Research": their suggestions : pharmacotherapy and behavior therapy.

 

 

 

These problems can be held (partially or in the majority of its manifestations) under control, with medical help, combined with lots of will and determination. If you think they're uncurable and impossible to keep under control, please ad in front your opinions of it "personal statement"!!

[Thinkalot]

I've been off for a few days with the flu, and when I return this thread always seems to have grown a bit! lol

 

moi and curly and think you two could 'discuss' this issue all night if you really both decided to go for it