Dazedandamused Posted October 31, 2015 Share Posted October 31, 2015 Girl I dated in college a couple of decades ago got back in touch. She lives in my hometown, about 90 miles from me. I've been divorced since April 2014. She's going through one herself at the moment, and it's not her first or even or second. We've seen each other a few times. We both have said we want to get the next one right, so there's no rush. That said, it's pretty clear to me that she's everything I'm looking for. She's beautiful, smart, successful, family-oriented. I'm ready to shift to a higher gear. What's perplexing me some is that while we have a wonderful time when we are together, she doesn't seem interested in a lot of communication when we are apart. I don't suspect that it's a case of me having competition. Rather, it seems to be an issue of her learning to trust herself. Several times she has commented about how her romantic relationships, and her pattern of choosing the wrong mates, is the only major area of her life in which she's been a failure. Complicating things some is that she's got medical issues she's dealing with. Hopefully they will be resolved at the end of November. I've got scant reason to take her at anything other than her word. But I'm so excited about this chance to reconnect that I'm finding it harder and harder to exercise the level of patience that she seems to want (or need). I'm wondering if I'm being naive, that there are warning signs that I'm overlooking. I am perfectly willing to wait this out if that's what it takes, but I also don't want to invest emotional energy in the wrong place. She's the only woman I'm remotely interested in. I'm so busy with my job and kids that I wouldn't know where to start looking for somebody else. And I really have no desire to. Any thoughts? Anybody been through this before? Link to post Share on other sites
Digger123 Posted October 31, 2015 Share Posted October 31, 2015 Im not sure if I'm posting In the correct place, but I will tell you from my perspective as a women! Because I have been injured I am extremely cautious and I will air on the side of disinterested even though I am interested due to trust issues. I'm afraid to stick my neck out of fear of getting hurt. I will lay low and not pursue because it's to much to lose! I don't want to be this way but it's a landslide of emotions that hit me that cause me to recoil and calculate my position! It would take, for me, a man to pursue me continuously before I would even remotely give it a chance if he has hurt me! Trust is a huge thing for me and actions speak louder than words in my book. I need kindness and gentleness to open up! But don't pursue me in your neediness. Hope that helps Link to post Share on other sites
Author Dazedandamused Posted October 31, 2015 Author Share Posted October 31, 2015 I appreciate your thoughts. I haven't hurt her ever. Our relationship ended the first time because I allowed another guy to dictate the situation instead of fighting for her. I do think, after reflecting on what I wrote, that I just need to back off and let her dictate the pace. It's not going to be easy, but it's my only shot at the prize. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted October 31, 2015 Share Posted October 31, 2015 Pretty easy to keep track of her D with the technology today. Are her health issues obvious when you meet and have enjoyable interactions? How does her communication style today compare to when you were involved in the past? I understand means may have changed, due to technology, but I'm curious about tone. I'm old and cynical and have seen a lot and did marry a twice divorced lady so my short advice would be to accept things as they are, enjoy any personal interactions with her if/when they happen and continue to seek out and date other women. Link to post Share on other sites
Snaggletooth Posted October 31, 2015 Share Posted October 31, 2015 (edited) I appreciate your thoughts. I haven't hurt her ever. Our relationship ended the first time because I allowed another guy to dictate the situation instead of fighting for her. I do think, after reflecting on what I wrote, that I just need to back off and let her dictate the pace. It's not going to be easy, but it's my only shot at the prize. Yes. Back off, don't push, go at her pace, be kind, be gentle, be a stable, reliable rock she can depend on. Be it all the time. A constant. With words meeting actions. Good chance that as you get closer she may freak out and pull away on occasion. Don't react, just give her space to process things and then come close again. All this means you are the one who gives your trust and sits with your hand out, never flinching, waiting to see if it is bit or accepted. But if you want to be her man you are the one who opens themselves to that. If you can't do that, you're not the man she needs. She doesn't want a fearful man. An unstable man. An uncaring man. An untrusting man. An impatient man. An opportunistic man. Or a man who looks at other women. In the same breath, take no sh*t and be no doormat. Edited October 31, 2015 by Snaggletooth 2 Link to post Share on other sites
angel.eyes Posted November 2, 2015 Share Posted November 2, 2015 My hunch is that you're filling a void for her now. When the right guy comes along, the hesitancy about starting a relationship and the lack of communication between dates will disappear...for him. Sorry! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Dazedandamused Posted November 2, 2015 Author Share Posted November 2, 2015 That may be true, but she was OK with meeting my kids today. And, being a mom herself, I don't think she takes that sort of thing lightly. (Neither do I.) That's no guarantee of anything, of course, but I'm going to give her as much patience as she needs until she tells me otherwise one way or the other. Link to post Share on other sites
angel.eyes Posted November 2, 2015 Share Posted November 2, 2015 Ultimately, it's your job to protect your kids, not hers. Best of luck with your choices. Link to post Share on other sites
TexasMan68 Posted November 4, 2015 Share Posted November 4, 2015 Why so many divorces? Link to post Share on other sites
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