Struggling with separation

[TinyTomThumb]

I was with my wife for nearly 10 years, married for 3 years and have 3 children together.

 

In June I was off to work, I went to give her a kiss and she moved out of the way. I said "what's that about" and she replied "it doesn't matter"

 

On the bus I messaged her and she said that she didn't love me anymore and that we needed to talk.

 

The day seemed to drag more than normal and when I got home she was with her sister's in the front room. I asked them to leave but she insisted they stay. Unable to talk about things I went upstairs and messaged her and asked nicely if they could go so we could discuss what happened earlier that day and she replied with "we'll talk tomorrow"

 

About 2am she came to bed, turned her back to me and fell asleep. I tried to talk but she ignored me.

 

We spoke in the morning about it and she said that she had felt like it for a while and that she didn't know how to tell me.

 

I had noticed that she was being more distant, I would ask her to spend time with me, she'd agree but would then invite people around so we couldn't spend time with each other on our own.

 

We agreed that we would try to work things out but 3 days later she said "she couldn't just turn her feelings back on and that she didn't want to be with me"

 

I was heart broken.

 

Fast forward a few uncomfortable weeks and I decided to move in with my Mum. Everything was packed up and I was waiting for my Mum to pick me up when she burst out crying saying she'll miss me and hugged me. Next thing we're having sex even though I knew it wasn't the right thing to do. My mum turned up, I loaded the car and went.

 

Fast forward again a few weeks and I was round her house looking after the kids (they were asleep) and she comes in the house drunk and emotional. She sat on my lap and hugged me tightly. I asked her what was wrong and she said she missed me and regretted telling me how she felt. I asked her to leave and go to her mum's house (she goes there when I have the kids) and she refused.

 

She stripped naked and started to take off my trousers, I said that I didn't want to do it because it'll screw my head up but she said she really wanted it and that it wouldn't, we had sex and she went off.

 

The next day she came back to have the kids so I could go home and she didn't even mention it so I didn't either. Later that day I messaged her about it and she said it was a silly mistake and that it wouldn't happen again. I was gutted.

 

I kept my distance from her and only saw her when I went round for the kids.

 

A few weeks ago she invited me to dinner in town and I accepted, I got there and she seems quite happy to see me.

 

Half way through the meal she said "I've got something to tell you" so I answered "go ahead"

 

She went on to say that she had slept with a random guy and that she felt she needed to be honest with me.

 

I got up and walked out crying.

 

She messaged me saying we needed to talk about things so when she rang me I answered. In that conversation she said that because we were separated that it was OK for her to do whatever she wanted. I agree but I'd rather not know about it because it obviously hurts my feelings.

 

This whole time I've been struggling to eat, sleep and socialise and now that I know she's slept with someone else, it has got a lot worse.

 

I just feel like my heart has been ripped out and stomped on repeatedly.

 

Ive been told that I need to look at life positively but all I see is the negatives. I've thought about ending my life on multiple occasions, sat on my own with a knife to my wrist, but never went through with it for some reason.

 

My whole life is one big mess and I don't really have anyone to talk to about it. I put on a brave face when I go to work or to see family. I know bottling it up isn't helping but I've always been a strong person emotionally and I don't want to show any signs of weakness.

[Hammie]

Firstly, you arent alone. you have family around you and you should talk to them about how you are feeling. There is nothing they can do to make it hurt any less, but talking about it should at least give you an opportunity to sort through the confilicting feelings you are having.

 

Secondly, It sounds to me that she is treating you like a safety buffer. she wants to play the field but is keeping you as someone she can bounce back on when shes feeling down. Rebound relationships will mostly be short lived when she realises the grass on the other sideis only green for aslong as the summer lasts. I doubt she will commit to you any more and will string you along until she finds someone else for the long term. the best thing would be to refuse sex and the physical attention she is laying on you as it will cloud the issues both of you are dealing with. Having sex with someone else was always on the cards sooner or later but she is treating you like you are still in a relationship which is wrong. shes obviously not dealing with her feelings and is turning to drink and partying to deal with it

 

Lastly, suicide attempts will end up with you in a mental hospital. I know from experience that most suicide attempts fail. using a knife is not a sure fire way to kill yourself, and its not going to solve any problems for your family. Im going through a very difficuly time myself, and I know it hurts, but its not a solution. go to your GP if you feel you need to.

 

Its a hard long road ahead of you. I feel for you. Life sucks at the moment and wont get better until you move on. Its not what you want to hear I know. sadly, theres nothing I can say to make it go away.

[ProdigalMe]

TinyTomThumb, hang in there, and keep some things in mind. You have support around you, nearby. It could be your mum, or someone else who is going through the same thing/has gone through the same thing. Because separation and divorce are so common, there is guaranteed to be somebody out there that you can lean on for support or maybe for just a sympathetic ear. It could be someone you haven't even considered, perhaps an acquaintance at work who is divorced, or a divorced friend. Try to find that person and you'll be surprised at how willing they are to listen to you and give you encouraging words.

 

I know it hurts a lot right now, and it feels worse if you feel like you're suffering all by yourself. So seek out that one person. Or you can just continue to share your feelings online here. Remember that there's many of us out here going through the exact same thing. I hope that provides some comfort. Your suffering, although singular and unique to you, is actually the same suffering that thousands of others are going through right now. In that sense, you are not alone.

 

Hammie is right. Suicide is not the answer (your kids need you). What you're feeling right now is a loss of control and uncertainty about the future, as well as the pain of rejection and betrayal. This whole soup of emotions can be unbearable and overwhelming. I suggest you take little steps to control things that are in your control. Limit your contact with her. Set some boundaries (e.g., no sex with her; and announce things you will not accept: her having sex with others, even if you are separated). If she doesn't respect your boundaries, then she doesn't respect your marriage, and then it is time for you to decide whether you can tolerate that in a partner.

 

Take control of the rollercoaster you are on right now. Set little goals and meet them (e.g., spend an afternoon at the park with kids, cook a meal for your mum, complete a project at work, etc.). These little things can bring some order in your life, and maybe help ease the pain. I hope this reply finds you well.