KHSM Posted October 31, 2015 Share Posted October 31, 2015 I'm 23, my husband is 26. We've been together for 7 years and recently I screwed up, I had an emotional affair ( no sex, just flirting) over a year ago. We had a falling out earlier this year and we got back together after a month, recently I found out the girl he was hanging out with during our break has been texting him. When we both got back together we both agreed that we'd work things out and "start fresh" in all honesty to me everything seemed fine, until last week when all hell broke loose and he told me he's been basically lying to himself for the past 7 months. He says that he's been trying to get over what I did but it's still hard for him to look at me the same, then he tells me about her and what they did when these past few months I've asked he said nothing happened. His best friend is newly single and he's gone out about 5 times the past 2 weeks, should I be worried? We have 2 kids and he seems to not care, is he actively looking for someone else? When I ask him what he wants he just says "idk" all I do is give and give to this man and he doesn't see or appreciate me. Link to post Share on other sites
Wewon Posted October 31, 2015 Share Posted October 31, 2015 I'm 23, my husband is 26. We've been together for 7 years and recently I screwed up, I had an emotional affair ( no sex, just flirting) over a year ago. We had a falling out earlier this year and we got back together after a month, recently I found out the girl he was hanging out with during our break has been texting him. When we both got back together we both agreed that we'd work things out and "start fresh" in all honesty to me everything seemed fine, until last week when all hell broke loose and he told me he's been basically lying to himself for the past 7 months. He says that he's been trying to get over what I did but it's still hard for him to look at me the same, then he tells me about her and what they did when these past few months I've asked he said nothing happened. His best friend is newly single and he's gone out about 5 times the past 2 weeks, should I be worried? We have 2 kids and he seems to not care, is he actively looking for someone else? When I ask him what he wants he just says "idk" all I do is give and give to this man and he doesn't see or appreciate me. A few things, he sounds like he's still angry, but make no mistake, its not simply over the affair, but the destabilization that your actions caused. Sometimes when people break up they send a second (unintended) message, "This is how easy it is for me to leave. Look at how little I've invested." Like it or not, he had to digest that and for a month, seriously try to make peace with it. Coming back and wanting make a go of it is good, but consider that this is part of the hill that you're climbing. Getting a fresh start doesn't mean that you get to simply ignore this part of breaking up. Link to post Share on other sites
Author KHSM Posted November 1, 2015 Author Share Posted November 1, 2015 But the thing is, he was the one who told me he wanted a break. The girl he was hanging out with was bothering him before asking questions about us and I asked him out of respect for me to leave her alone and he didn't. Link to post Share on other sites
DKT3 Posted November 1, 2015 Share Posted November 1, 2015 I vaguely recall your posts from early in the year. My comment as someone once in your husbands shoes is 1) he doesn't trust you 2) he doesn't believe your being honest about your affair. If I recall correctly you claimed that you didn't have sex with the other guy but the other guy said he did in fact have sex with you. Here is the problem, what does the other guy have to gain by claiming to have had sex with you if he didn't? Doesn't he have a girlfriend as well? I hope you see were I'm going. You stepped out of your marriage for reasons you blame 100% on your husband. He feels you being dishonest about what happened (and honestly all signs point to you having some kind of physical activities with this guy). And even know you have this mental approach that you live about the rules while fully holding your husband to them. I mean you made the comment that he is doing this without any thought towards the boys (your sons), well what about you? Were you thinking about your boys when you were doing whatever you were doing with this other guy? My point is, your marriage is toxic and 50% of that is on you. Your affair is 100% on you, your broke your vows and all this time later your husband simply doesn't believe your being honest so he fears recommitment. He can be "IN" with you if your not honest, he can't begin to heal if he feels you've done things you won't admit to. How do you convince him you didn't sleep with a guy that claims he did sleep with you? That is the problem, I don't know that you can. I will say this, telling him everything you did do would be a start. Even if you did actually sleep with this guy, its better to be honest and tell him so he doesn't fill in the blanks. If it was everything but intercourse you have to tell him. If it was everything including intercourse you have to tell him. Its the only way to rebuild trust and make it possible for him to fully entertain the idea of being in a relationship with you again. Just be 100% honest, maybe it won't work, but what your doing now isn't working. Link to post Share on other sites
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