betterfly Posted October 31, 2015 Share Posted October 31, 2015 So.. my bf broke up with me about two weeks ago.. That was not out of the blue at all - relationship was quite hellish for a long time, and that is the reason why I'd like to get some opinions here… I believe that in most cases, when someone just leaves you for no apparent reason, that means they were never interested/in love enough with you. However, what if he leaves for the reason of me being impossible? Now, before you jump into blaming me (well, yes, it was probably mostly my fault) and telling me to move on, I AM MOVING ON, and that is exactly why I can write all of these feeling nothing but respect and love for my ex. I recognize that he made mistakes too, and am also open to the possibility that he never loved me. I am curious, however, to hear from people who have left someone because, as he put it, "there is too much hurt and confusion". Did you say that just to make the person feel better, but you deep down just knew that you didn't love them? Or is it really possible to love someone, but choose your own health/sanity/happiness? (Sorry if this post is a little bit confusing. Also, I have tried NC for a while, and it really helped, and so did this forum. When I do talk with him, it's very friendly and positive.) Thank you in advance for any input! Link to post Share on other sites
Hyperfocal Posted October 31, 2015 Share Posted October 31, 2015 Yes, it is possible. Different life goals can motivate a split up with love. Some split when they love yet are afraid of future hurt... to maintain control they stop the rel under the assumption they will suffer later on "Fear of intimacy." In some cases the love/attachment side of things is biological, whereas the logic side is cerebral... in some cases the brain wins, in some cases the emotions do. Make sense? Link to post Share on other sites
Author betterfly Posted October 31, 2015 Author Share Posted October 31, 2015 Makes perfect sense! Thank you for replying It's just that, I am trying my best to move on, but of course find myself thinking about the person very very often, with my mind constantly trying to fill in the blanks and justify the whole process of moving on. At this point, even if he loves me, I respect his choice to walk away. I still wonder sometimes, however, if someone who truly really loves you would stay till the bitter end. It sounds unhealthy to me, though, and I actually think that my ex's decision to leave our "toxic" relationship was right. Just can't stop wondering if he did it for that reason, or because it was never real for him to begin with… (I know that no one here can know the answer, it's all mere speculation, but hearing other people's stories seem to help ) Link to post Share on other sites
StBreton Posted October 31, 2015 Share Posted October 31, 2015 (edited) Yes definitely. I dated someone last year who I fell in love with ... The feelings were mutual ... But I left because we were just too different on our outlooks on life, our temperament (he had an anger issue that was hurtful), and some crucial values (a peaceful life). We had amazing chemistry too ... It was painful to leave. I still miss many things about our time together. If your guy said your were "impossible" maybe he just couldn't see your point of view on things. He could still have loved you. Under what circumstances did he think you were impossible If the relationship was "hellish for a long time" isn't that an "apparent reason?" Sometimes there is "too much muddy water under the bridge" Edited October 31, 2015 by StBreton 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author betterfly Posted October 31, 2015 Author Share Posted October 31, 2015 Under what circumstances did he think you were impossible I don't recall him saying that I was impossible, I am giving myself that label for my behaviour. He was actually patient for a long time, but maybe didn't go all the way to calm my nerves. Then again, I am now starting to realize that it's not your partner's job to ease your anxiety. Sometimes you have to make an effort to not be paranoid, and it's not between you and the guy, but strictly between your mind and your instincts (fears). He had some jealousy issues early on in the relationship, but then I saw him work on them, and I really respect that. I just couldn't do the same back then, I was in the situation, refusing to step outside and just breathe. The constant state of anxiety, I was paranoid, obsessed with the possible worst case scenarios. Also, when I was talking about people leaving for no reason, I wasn't talking about my relationship - the reason was very apparent with us. I was just wondering exactly about that: if a person can leave , while loving you. Another question: can you still love someone and pursue other people, when you don't feel appreciated by that person? Or does it mean you don't love them to begin with? Link to post Share on other sites
travelbug1996 Posted November 1, 2015 Share Posted November 1, 2015 Yes, you can love someone and still be forced to move on. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
fireflywy Posted November 1, 2015 Share Posted November 1, 2015 Makes perfect sense! Thank you for replying It's just that, I am trying my best to move on, but of course find myself thinking about the person very very often, with my mind constantly trying to fill in the blanks and justify the whole process of moving on. At this point, even if he loves me, I respect his choice to walk away. I still wonder sometimes, however, if someone who truly really loves you would stay till the bitter end. It sounds unhealthy to me, though, and I actually think that my ex's decision to leave our "toxic" relationship was right. Just can't stop wondering if he did it for that reason, or because it was never real for him to begin with… (I know that no one here can know the answer, it's all mere speculation, but hearing other people's stories seem to help ) No. I WANTED to stay until the bitter end, but after a year and half of not being told "I love you" back with any true sincerity, action, and respect, I had to walk (I left out of the blue but gave her a chance to come even before walking) even though, 9 months later, I still think about her everyday, sometimes cry, and still love her (even though I wasn't always treated the best.) Sometimes, you are forced to leave because of circumstances or because you KNOW the other person just doesn't feel the same or is incapable of feeling the same. (I even tried to reconcile but she sealed it for sure, ensuring that I was correct in her not feeling the same.) It doesn't mean that you don't love them (at least in MY case anyway.) Link to post Share on other sites
jrode23 Posted November 1, 2015 Share Posted November 1, 2015 Good topic and one that is very confusing for me. My ex broke up with me two and a half weeks ago and said that she still loved me, just couldn't see us having a future with me as fulfilling for her. We got along really well the entire 15 months and I still can't even comprehend what this means. Link to post Share on other sites
Meli22 Posted November 2, 2015 Share Posted November 2, 2015 Yep I left my ex because of SO many reasons. He was insecure and paranoid and it was killing our relationship. Also, he blew hot and cold. I left him and just said that I was unhappy and needed to become happy again. I don't think he knew how much his control issues and paranoia got to me, because whenever I tried to raise the issue he'd tell me that this was how to keep a relationship "special." So yeah.. People can leave for a ton of different reasons. I still loved him at the time and it was VERY hard, but I was fed up of feeling not good enough and never able to meet his expectations. Link to post Share on other sites
bathtub-row Posted November 2, 2015 Share Posted November 2, 2015 (edited) I personally can't imagine why anyone would leave another person without first letting them know what the problem is and giving them a chance to fix it. I also can't imagine why anyone would leave without an explanation. That, to me, doesn't speak well of the person who does that. In your case, OP, it seems you do somewhat understand what caused the break-up. Extreme jealousy and insecurity can destroy a relationship. However, I have to wonder if this is simply your nature or if there were things about your ex that made you distrust him. To answer your question, yes, people do leave even when they love the person. I believe that there is no such thing as a casual relationship. So even when a person initiates the ending, it doesn't mean they walk away unscathed. I have left a few people in my lifetime and sometimes I walked away resentful that the other person put me in a position to have to end things. Just because I made the decision to leave had nothing to do with my feelings about the insignificance of the person or the relationship. That's not to imply, though, that I have regrets about leaving because I don't. I don't know if any of this helps. Edited November 2, 2015 by bathtub-row Link to post Share on other sites
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