Newlywed, newly separated, can they ever only hit once?

[klutzy]

I had a whole story typed out, but decided to delete it and get straight to the point. We're 29. Been married since October 2014. We separated 6 weeks ago after he head-butted me and went to go slap me (actually got me a little bit too) and the next morning he was not apologetic, went to go head-butt me and said "i'll kick your ass again". I told my parents and they kicked him out and my mom moved in to make sure he didn't come around.

 

He couldn't believe he finally got kicked out. He has progressively gotten worse up to that point. He's always been verbally abusing me. Started calling me names, then it progressed to spitting on me and then this happened. I feel sorry because I had a bond with his 7 year old son and I really do love his family. However, my husband has plenty of issues. He stopped drinking after this happened. Majority of his rages were when he drank. He says he doesn't like Alcoholics Anonymous as he went to one meeting before and said it is too cult like. He also started Anger Management.

 

My husband says there is no excuse for what he did. He is not blaming me, calls himself an abuser and says he wants to change. However, he still cannot control his anger, even sober. Anytime we talk there is an argument. Just last night he was triggered and said "F*ck you and your family you f**king b*tch". Now today he wants me to go trick or treating with his son. No apology. No mention of last night. He is the type to rage, call me names, and act like nothing happened the next day. Occasionally I'll get the apology. I don't know how much longer I can take of this. My mom and sisters said to divorce him as soon as I told them what happened. My dad can't stand to see him, however, he still hopes I can work it out. Of course his family wants me to take him back.

 

There's a lot more to our story. A lot more negatives than positives to him. I should work it out but why invest all this time to someone who clearly does not respect me. I know there are people out there that will treat me like a queen. If I never got married, this would have been an easy choice to walk away from. But I can't let go of my marriage just yet.

[SammySammy]

He CAN stop, but the fact of the matter is he hasn't. Your abuse started long before the head butt and slap. It's been going on quite some time and getting progressively worse. Unfortunately, it WON'T stop as long as he knows you will continue to take it.

 

Also, anger, temper and alcohol are not excuses for this behavior.

[Mrs. John Adams]

obviously...you have answered your own question...you believe he CAN hit more than once...or you would not be in the place you are now.

 

I am a lucky woman....my husband has never threatened me....I always told him...if you ever hit me...I will leave....

 

I have never had to make that decision.

 

I think if you are afraid...then you should pursue help....which may very well include getting a lawyer.

 

Best of luck to you.

[Hammie]

When I was young, I saw a tv show about teenage relationships and abuse, and on it a child psychologist made a point that has always stuck with me

 

"If someone can hit you, they dont love you"

 

He went on to explain that abusers tend to see their partners as their property and thus, they can do what they like to that property.

 

Long story short, He can change if he works at it and really wants to, but there is no hope for a relationship to work without some considerable effort on his part and yours, and the road to getting where you should be will be littered with many failures and relapses. You cant change him, only he can. you can only change you, so if you are thinking you love him enough to make it work, you will be a punchbag until either he really hurts you, until you get fed up and end up hiding from him or until he really deals with his issues.

 

I wouldnt go anywhere near a relationship with someone who was violent. Fights in a relationship can happen, and I have destroyed my fair share of furniture after a particularly frustrating argument, but ive also had lascerations in my neck from smashed china thrown at me. Things can get out of hand in any relationship, but continueous abuse is another thing entirely and has to be handled with a "zero tolerance" policy

 

I hope you do a lot of thinking before making a decision. its a hell of a burden to take on and it wont be easy.

[Satu]

One useful definition of Love:

 

"Love is total commitment to the wellbeing of a person."

 

He doesn't love you.

 

End it.

[dreamingoftigers]

The Verbally Abusive Relationship may help you see the dynamic and attitude of your husband much more clearly and best equip you to make that decision.

 

 

Personally, I had no issue leaving after reading it and after my husband got pushy about the "why" etc. I gave him the book to read. At first he was pissed/ insulted, but he read it.

 

Very life-changing for him. He also attended a Day Program at AADAC for three weeks that made a huge difference. We continue in marital counseling and he's made great strides he's actually STUCK WITH.

 

But, then again, we already had a daughter and he never head-butted me.

I would not have been shy about head-butting him back, and then some.

I don't recommend that as a course of action. I also came from a violent family so I know how to dish it back if necessary. Most women should not try that.

[jen1447]

Divorce him immediately and move on with your life. There's nothing worth fighting for there.

[66Charger]

If a man hits you, it should be only one time.

 

There is no such thing as a second chance when someone strikes you. Anger management has nothing to do with character. MOST men could never strike a female. Its just not in our dna. There is a part of us that just couldn't do it. We may walk away and say, you will never see me again, but head hutt? Slap? Punch? Not going to happen.

 

Your (something other than the female gender) does not have this character traight. His brain does not have the stop sign. Counseling may help him, but to be honest, its too late. He is a grown man with a 7yr old son.

 

There should be no question. You are a beautiful flower not a punching bag or a peice fo dirt.

 

You must take your leave. There are no other opinions but yours. Not his family, not your dad, not your mom.....Yours. its you who has been struck, probaly several times.

 

This is your only life you have. Use everyday wisely. Starting today

 

Strength and Honor

[dreamingoftigers]

The Verbally Abusive Relationship may help you see the dynamic and attitude of your husband much more clearly and best equip you to make that decision.

 

 

Personally, I had no issue leaving after reading it and after my husband got pushy about the "why" etc. I gave him the book to read. At first he was pissed/ insulted, but he read it.

 

Very life-changing for him. He also attended a Day Program at AADAC for three weeks that made a huge difference. We continue in marital counseling and he's made great strides he's actually STUCK WITH.

 

But, then again, we already had a daughter and he never head-butted me.

I would not have been shy about head-butting him back, and then some.

I don't recommend that as a course of action. I also came from a violent family so I know how to dish it back if necessary. Most women should not try that.

 

I also want to clarify that my husband never hit, punched, slapped or kicked me either.

 

The physical we have had historically was shoving (STILL NOT OKAY) if he wanted out of a room during an argument, he would push me out of the way or push past me. Sometimes I WOULD be blocking him, (also another form of abuse) other times not, just the set-up of the room we usually argued in was typically me entering and him on the couch, then leaving.

 

I can't imagine trying to reconcile after being head-butted, frankly.

Especially an un-remorseful one.

I believe that ending a relationship is a personal decision, however.

[sandylee1]

Listen to your mother and sisters. They love you and have your best interests at heart. A man who threatens you, slaps you and is verbally abusive about your family does not love or respect you. He could very easily kill you by headbutting you...he sounds like a thug TBH.

 

Does he treat his son like this?

 

Divorce him quick smart. I can't imagine what my husband would do if a man did that to our girls when they grow up. I'm not suprised your dad can't stand him. Your husband is a bully. You don't want to stay with him a second longer.

[dreamingoftigers]

Listen to your mother and sisters. They love you and have your best interests at heart. A man who threatens you, slaps you and is verbally abusive about your family does not love or respect you. He could very easily kill you by headbutting you...he sounds like a thug TBH.

 

Does he treat his son like this?

 

Divorce him quick smart. I can't imagine what my husband would do if a man did that to our girls when they grow up. I'm not suprised your dad can't stand him. Your husband is a bully. You don't want to stay with him a second longer.

 

I hadn't really thought about that.

 

Have you considered reporting him to Social Services?

 

He needs some serious intervention.

 

Have you talked to any of his exes? Did they have similar experiences?

[Glitters]

Leave NOW.

 

Nothing justifies this. When mine first hit me , I forgave him. Next time him he called me names, of course he was sorry and I forgave him. We had 2 kids.He repeated in front of them , then of course ,was sorry. I forgave. Next time we were in a party, he punched me in the face and got away by saying that it was meant for his friend who was flirting with me. There was no friend around.No one was flirting with anyone.His boss had said hi to me.

 

I divorced him after 13 years of hell.

 

My second husband has never raised his voice,leave alone his little finger