pointless Posted November 1, 2015 Share Posted November 1, 2015 My MM ended it today. He chose his family. I am in love with him and he is in love with me but he doesn't want to lose his kids. I would hate if he ever put me before his kids so I know it's the right thing to do. I am left with no ability to be angry with him for what has happened over the last year. We are both equally to blame and I knew he was married with kids when it started. I don't blame him for changing his mind all the time and for being confused. I can't imagine what it would be like because I don't have kids. But when I know we still love each other and there is no anger or resentment. How can I achieve NC?? I feel like it's going to be impossible. Link to post Share on other sites
OneLov Posted November 1, 2015 Share Posted November 1, 2015 (edited) Pointless, I 100% can relate to what you are feeling. I too felt it impossible to achieve NC at first. Over 5 months later, I believe taking life one day at a time and to keep moving were the most important factors in being able to deal with NC. Also, it is important to acknowledge your feelings of the situational unfairness you face; but even more importantly, you must not dwell or brood since the relationship ended due to factors beyond your control. In a situation like yours, what makes it even harder is there was an unnatural termination to the relationship. An unnatural termination is where both parties want to continue to be emotionally involved but external forces sever the emotional connection. Not only must you mourn the loss of the person, but you also must mourn the potential of "what could have been" which is much harder. I would suggest to keep your perspective on the situation because it seems the healthiest one to have. Keep focusing on the fact that you do not want to come between his kids because that is quite noble. I know it hurts so bad but know you're doing the right thing. The right thing I'd always the hardest thing so let that be your guide. You will find you have more strength and fortitude than you ever realized. I wish I could do more to help ease your pain just know you are not alone in it. We all have a common bond in that and support each other the same. It will get better one day at a time, OneLov Edited November 1, 2015 by OneLov 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author pointless Posted November 1, 2015 Author Share Posted November 1, 2015 Thank you OneLov. You're words are very accurate. The comment about 'factors beyond my control' is the part that I am struggling with the most. I have a great amount of control over my life usually and am a strong and rational decision maker - but being in this situation where I cannot change the facts and I cannot help who I love has really unsettled the control I thought I had over my life and happiness. I am going to give NC my best shot. I am scared as we did try it once before and failed. Though this time it feels more final. It's reassuring to know you are 5 months down the track in a similar situation. I will be trying to keep moving and busy myself. Luckily I currently live overseas from him and will for the next 12 months so that is going to help. I know I can do it and I'm happy to have found this forum for support and to hear other peoples stories. It has been so hard as I have not told anyone and have not had anyone to talk about it with because I felt I would be judged and persecuted as well as worried it would somehow get back to his wife. So it's nice to get it off my chest. The tragedy of the mourning of "what could have been" is also something I am not sure I'll ever get over.. I thought the universe would be kinder to us when we meet the one that burns a fire in our heart. That pure, unexplainable love. The universe is cruel. Here's to tomorrow. Link to post Share on other sites
Lovemesomehim Posted November 1, 2015 Share Posted November 1, 2015 Grieve the loss and take one day at a time. I found journaling my feelings helped me to go complete nc. It is a struggle but when you are sure in your heart that this type of relationship is NOT what you want, you learn to let go. That does not mean you stop loving the person, it just means you learn to push away as to not hurt anymore. Good luck. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
privategal Posted November 1, 2015 Share Posted November 1, 2015 Maybe it would be helpful to think you are both showing your love for eachother by letting the other go on and focus on their lives mutually. Don't leave an open door just block everything to take away hope. Healing does come. Its a beautiful outcome even if it doesn't seemlike it to part ways without screaming, fighting, bitterness. It's about as positive as it gets. Take the honest outcome and run with it. It will soon fade a little each day. Take care and god bless. Link to post Share on other sites
wanderingxsoulz Posted November 1, 2015 Share Posted November 1, 2015 I have been asking myself that same question too for the past close to 5 months, ever since disappearing completely and going NC. You would think it would be easier since I was the one who chose to call it quits, but it really isn't. How does MM go back to his normal life while I'm still trying to pick up the pieces and in so much pain... I understand what you mean. I am a control freak but the A has turned my life upside down and made me question everything I ever knew. Years of not feeling anything for anyone and when I finally feel that electrifying chemistry, feel more alive than I have ever been my whole life, feel how crazily happy I can be, it has to be with MM. I knew that he was married from the start too... never wanted him to leave his family for me. But nope, still not any easier or less painful. He occupies my thoughts 24/7. Everything feels pointless and empty without him. When will this pain end and when will I finally be able to move on???? Link to post Share on other sites
OneLov Posted November 1, 2015 Share Posted November 1, 2015 Thank you OneLov. You're words are very accurate. The comment about 'factors beyond my control' is the part that I am struggling with the most. I have a great amount of control over my life usually and am a strong and rational decision maker - but being in this situation where I cannot change the facts and I cannot help who I love has really unsettled the control I thought I had over my life and happiness. I am going to give NC my best shot. I am scared as we did try it once before and failed. Though this time it feels more final. It's reassuring to know you are 5 months down the track in a similar situation. I will be trying to keep moving and busy myself. Luckily I currently live overseas from him and will for the next 12 months so that is going to help. I know I can do it and I'm happy to have found this forum for support and to hear other peoples stories. It has been so hard as I have not told anyone and have not had anyone to talk about it with because I felt I would be judged and persecuted as well as worried it would somehow get back to his wife. So it's nice to get it off my chest. The tragedy of the mourning of "what could have been" is also something I am not sure I'll ever get over.. I thought the universe would be kinder to us when we meet the one that burns a fire in our heart. That pure, unexplainable love. The universe is cruel. Here's to tomorrow. I forgot to mention posting on here has also helped me tremendously. Like your situation, I have not told anyone about the affair except the people on this forum. But it took me 5 months to be able to get to that point, and I wish I had began sharing my experiences and thoughts sooner. I could not truly accept that it was over in first few months, but I found that expressing that statement in a preserved written format is powerful and really aids in the recovery process. An unfortunate truth I discovered is no matter how you slice it, the situation is damn hard and there is no point to be hard on yourself or set arbitrary deadlines for emotional benchmarks (i.e. by day "x," I should feel "x"). I wish there was a road map or guide to preview what the experience will be like, but unfortunately there is only your faith that you made the right decision and healing will occur over time. This process will likely be the most difficult thing you have experienced in your life. Although I am not a religious person, the reason I say it will be exceptionally difficult is the challenges you are facing now are the fundamental questions and ideals of Christianity that have been testing people's faith for the last 2000 years. For God so loved the world, he gave his one and only son. For the son so loved mankind that he gave up his life to save it. Can you make the ultimate sacrifice by willing give up the one thing you desperately love more than anything and suffer for the benefit of others? That is a fundamentally tough question and one that will change your life. Just know that no matter how difficult it may seem at times, no matter how heavy the burden feels, to always keep moving forward one day at a time. It may seem to get worse before it gets better but trust you are doing the right thing. And if you keep doing that, the one thing I can promise you is eventually this too shall pass. "Truly, truly, I say to you, unless a grain of wheat falls into the earth and dies, it remains alone; but if it dies, it bears much fruit. Whoever loves his life loses it. Those who care nothing for their life in this world will keep it for eternity." John 12:24-25. Here's to tomorrow, OneLov 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Outofmysystem Posted November 2, 2015 Share Posted November 2, 2015 I have been asking myself that same question too for the past close to 5 months, ever since disappearing completely and going NC. You would think it would be easier since I was the one who chose to call it quits, but it really isn't. How does MM go back to his normal life while I'm still trying to pick up the pieces and in so much pain... I understand what you mean. I am a control freak but the A has turned my life upside down and made me question everything I ever knew. Years of not feeling anything for anyone and when I finally feel that electrifying chemistry, feel more alive than I have ever been my whole life, feel how crazily happy I can be, it has to be with MM. I knew that he was married from the start too... never wanted him to leave his family for me. But nope, still not any easier or less painful. He occupies my thoughts 24/7. Everything feels pointless and empty without him. When will this pain end and when will I finally be able to move on???? Wanderingsoulz, I'm feeling just like you....although I'm the MM, and she was the MW, mine was for 6 years and she is the one that ended it and went NC 2 months ago. The thoughts and the pain are constant, she was my best friend and the passion and companionship was unmatched. I wish I had an answer for both of us as to when one starts to feel better....a timeline or something....but as I think about tomorrow, and the next day, I'm reminded of a favorite line from Thirtysomething in which Michael is talking to an older man about the death of his best friend.....he says "Well you can forget about time, it heals nothing....Time.....is a magazine" I know that's very depressing, but take comfort in knowing your not alone..... Link to post Share on other sites
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