Did I marry too young?

[nom_de_plume]

I've been married for almost 10 years. My husband and I are a decade apart and were together nearly a year before we tied the knot. At the time when I started seeing him, I was planning on going abroad for a semester so I had no intention of getting into a long term relationship. My plans fell through and I ended up falling in love instead. I was in a very bad place at that time - suffering from depression and anxiety, emotionally immature, unstable home life. Getting married to someone I loved seemed like a way out of my life and provided a sense of stability. The first year was pretty rough but we came out of it and these days we have a good relationship and a strong friendship. In fact, we rarely fight, share common interests and goals, and are respectful toward one another. I have absolutely nothing to complain about but for some reason, I can't shake the feeling that perhaps I married too young. I think a lot of this stems from feeling lost most of the time. I did a lot of adult things at a young age - married, bought a house, obtained a good career that I don't find personally rewarding. I never got a chance to do the crazy, wild things that many experience in their 20s. In short, I've been responsible, but that means no risk-taking, no searching for my identity, no figuring out how to handle tough situations on my own. I feel stupid for complaining because none of my problems are real problems. But I don't know who I am and what I want out of life and it's eating away at me. I almost feel stifled because my life is so boring. If anyone can provide some words of wisdom, or maybe a good kick in the butt for being so frivolous, I would greatly appreciate it.

[Mrs. John Adams]

My parents married at 14 and 17...they have been married for 61 years.

 

too young? not according to them

 

You don't say how old you are...but my guess is...your problems have nothing to do with you age...but with your mindset.

[Grumpybutfun]

Marriage is one facet so why concentrate on that as your issue? Partying and creating your life can be done at any age, and any important person knows that having fun and creating who we are is fluid. Call a life coach...you need guidance on how to become a whole person.

Best,

G

[d0nnivain]

It's not that you married too young. It's that you married for some "wrong" reasons. You didn't marry because it was time for you to share your life. You married because you hoped your older husband would save you from a life you didn't like.

 

 

Listen to Reba McIntyre song called Is There Life Out There. It's about a woman who is married & wants to stay that way but she also wants to figure out who she is an individual. Most people do that before they get married. You & the woman in the song didn't. But you need to.

[frogs88]

It's definitely a real problem - you'll have to discover who you are anyway. I've been most of my adult life in a LTR and there's ways to do that. It's a lot of self reflection.

[digdoug]

it has to do with being an adult, being mature. seems we are living in a time of a lot of immature people that do not want to be responsible.

[Popsicle]

The grass always looks greener on the other side but I assure you it is not. You can still have fun while you're still married. Just do the same things you think you would do if you were young and single (short of cheating).

[twosadthings]

Two thoughts come to mind that I'll try to connect coherently.

 

 

First there is a famous depression era economist named John Maynard Keynes who said, "Human wants are limitless".

 

 

Second, recently, I saw a TV show where a woman was interviewed about her book being disappointed about not being able to have or having to settle for not having "everything".

 

 

The first thought makes me sad to realize that if wants are limitless we can never be happy no matter what we have.

 

 

The second makes me mad because who is it that can say they deserve to have everything.

 

 

I think that songwriters are the equivalent of the classic poets. Sherrill Crow wrote..." It's not having what you want, but wanting what you have".

 

 

Maybe all you need to understand is what it means to be an adult and take satisfaction in and appreciate being loved.

 

 

Good luck,

 

 

Twosadthings

[TaraMaiden2]

How old are you, actually?

 

Generally I would say yes; marrying young isn't the wisest thing to do.

 

I married young and lived to regret it. Mrs John Adams' parents married astonishingly young (I honestly didn't think such a marriage would be legal even, but obviously it lasted a long time, so they must have got something right! Well, they got Mrs John Adams for a start....!)

 

My father was in his 30s when he married my mother, and she wasn't quite 21.... they lasted 57 years, but that's not to say every day was sheer unadulterated bliss.... 'ups and downs' doesn't cover it - but they were very definitely connected and genuinely loved one another until death parted them. (My dad died 5 years ago....)

 

That kind of 'connection' is rare nowadays, to be honest. And it's more prevalent in our older generation, now.

You read countless stories of 'Jimmy & Mabel just celebrated their 60th' or 'Mike and Betty have now been married 65 years'...

It seems the most common 'secret' of a 'good marriage' is to "not go to bed on an argument"....

 

But just because people are married for a long time, it doesn't mean everything in the garden was rosy...

 

My mother has 8 siblings. All married.

I would say that she, and one of her older sisters were the only two to have a cohesive, symbiotic relationships with their husbands.

The others all remained married until the death of one spouse - but the relationships did not seem to have this connection, this mutually supportive, link.... they married because they married, and stayed married because that's what they did.

Bearing in mind they're all Italian. Catholic Italians. Divorce is not a simple matter there..... I would venture to suggest, knowing them all as I do, that had divorce been a more easy option to pursue, I'd have more divorces in my family.....

[oldshirt]

I am 51 now. I was a bachelor until I was a few months shy of 32 and have been married for 20 years. I still have moments of nostalgia and lament over my lost youth and freedom even though I did have those years of freedom and partying etc so it's not like people who did party and travel before they married are in any way, shape or form immune from it.

 

 

But here is what I think is the key, even though you are married and have marital and family responsibilities, that doesn't preclude you from having a life and getting out and having fun and exploring your interests and expanding your horizons.

 

 

You can do wild and crazy things as a married woman. Sky diving schools allow married women (and men) to jump out of airplanes. White water rafting outfitters allow married women to go white water rafting. Married women have climbed Mt Everest.

 

 

My wife and I used to be in the swinging lifestyle for several years and we partied it up until dawn and had wild monkey sex with other people. And guess what, everyone at the parties were married and living it up as married couples and a good time was had by all.

 

 

Now that may be the extreme example and that is not for the vast majority of couples but my point is, there really isn't anything you can do as a single that absolutely can't be done as a married person. Whether you are sky diving, going back to school, pursuing a new passion or even partying it up and having sex with other people, it's all a matter of working it out with your partner and working together so that each of you can feel fulfilled.

[oldshirt]

See my post above, then see some of the responses in bold below to some of you specific points.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

these days we have a good relationship and a strong friendship. In fact, we rarely fight, share common interests and goals, and are respectful toward one another.

 

 

Then you sound like you have a solid partnership where you each can support each other and work together so that each of you can continue to grow as an individual and pursue various endeavors.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I have absolutely nothing to complain about but for some reason, I can't shake the feeling that perhaps I married too young. I think a lot of this stems from feeling lost most of the time.

 

 

That sounds more like a personal issue that doesn't have anything to do with age or marital status. That may be something you may want to consider seeing a professional counselor about.

 

 

 

 

 

 

I did a lot of adult things at a young age - married, bought a house, obtained a good career that I don't find personally rewarding.

 

 

This is more of a side note than any actual advice but it is only in modern 1st world cultures here in the last generation or so that people feel that young adults should have this period of extended adolescence where they play and party and screw around. In the vast majority of cultures throughout history, young adults were expected to marry, obtain a home and find employment as soon as possible. In most cultures there was no partying or playing around or having a period of irresponsibility.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I never got a chance to do the crazy, wild things that many experience in their 20s.

 

 

 

 

What is it exactly that you feel that you missed?? Are there any actual nuts and bolts reasons you can't do some of those things now?

Have you discussed any of those things with your husband? There is a good chance he may want to get out of the house and do some of those things now and then as well.

 

 

 

 

 

 

In short, I've been responsible, but that means no risk-taking, no searching for my identity, no figuring out how to handle tough situations on my own.

 

 

Since you have experienced and learned responsibility, that means you have the ability in you to take risks, make decisions and handle tough situations now. You just need to get out and do it. Marriage does not have to stop you from doing those things.

Again, what is it specifically you wanting to do that involves risk, decision making and handling tough situations. Are there really any reasons you can't do that as a married person?

 

 

 

 

I feel stupid for complaining because none of my problems are real problems.

 

 

I think you have a real problem, you just have to find real solutions for them and you would have to find solutions to your problems whether you are married or single.

The advantage of being married is when you have an issue, you have someone else that can support you and help you and be there for you.

The advantage of being single is you don't have to discuss anything or negotiate or work anything out with anyone else, you can just do it and then reap the benefits by your self or pay the price on your own if it flops.

The key to being married is reconciling those two concepts.

 

 

But I don't know who I am and what I want out of life and it's eating away at me. I almost feel stifled because my life is so boring.

 

 

Again, that is a personal issue and not an issue caused by marriage. As a human being you have to find purpose and find what you want and have meaning whether you are married or whether you are single. Either way you have to get off the couch and do it.

When you got married, no one promised you that marriage would exclude you from finding meaning and worth in your life. You still have to do those things even though you are married. Marriage does not exclude you from doing those things.

As an exercise, pick something you want to do. then find a way to do it.

 

 

 

 

 

 

If anyone can provide some words of wisdom, or maybe a good kick in the butt for being so frivolous,

 

 

 

 

You are not being frivolous. Finding worth and meaning and purpose in your life at all life stages is actually a critical life skill.

 

 

 

 

 

 

I would greatly appreciate it.

[nom_de_plume]

Thank you for your responses and perspectives. I'm in my early 30s.

 

I completely understand that this is a first world problem so typically after the pity party I feel an incredible amount of guilt because there are people in this world who have real, existential problems.

 

I came from a tough home so I had no childhood to speak of. I went from being a child with adult problems to a young adult with adult responsibilities. I did get married for the wrong reasons. And it doesn't mean that I didn't love nor do I love my husband any less. I guess I just never got a chance to have fun and figure things out for my own and make mistakes because I always had someone else to think about. I feel like I've met everyone's expectations except my own - my only expectation was to be someone who knows who she is and I'm still looking for that.

 

What I'd really love to do is pack up my things and travel the world for six months to a year. I know that many couples do this and while my husband and I do travel for one to two weeks out of the year, realistically, this is not something we could do. My husband has career ambitions that do not make this a possibility (I, on the other hand, could work remotely). I've been telling him for nearly a decade that I want to move to a different state and try to build a life elsewhere and do activities that are just not possible in our part of the country.

 

My husband would be content living a more or less quiet, domesticated life. Essentially what we've been doing this whole time. And I know that the grass always seems greener on the other side and sometimes it may truly be better. I just want a chance to at least figure it out for myself.

[xxoo]

I also married quite young (at 20, now over 40) and I'm quite happy with my marriage. I don't think the age is the primary issue.

 

You married to avoid life (I can relate a little bit), but you are still using marriage as an excuse to avoid life! Why are you simply accepting a job and life that bores you? Married people go to school, get degrees (or additional degrees), travel, go to concerts, learn new languages and skills, take up new sports, etc etc. LIVE LIFE!

 

Yes, it's harder to do these things with a marriage, job, and kids. When kids are small, that is the hardest time and a lot of our personal desires really did go "on hold" for a while. But that's a phase...and good incentive for birth control

 

Some facts: people find their partners more attractive when they are actively involved in a project or work that lights them up and shows off their talents and skills. Partners who try new and exciting things together find that excitement carries over into the bedroom. The grass is greenest where you water it, and wherever you go, there you are. Marriage isn't keeping you from having a fulfilling life. You are.

[Mrs. John Adams]

We married at 17 and 19....and while we have had our issues (my fault)....we have been married 43 years.

 

I do not think the age you marry is important...I think it is the attitude you have.

 

Every marriage has ebbs and flows....every relationship has good times and bad times. The bottom line is acknowledging issues and then working through them. I should have turned toward my husband when we were in a low...and instead I turned to someone else.....which only compounded the problem.

 

If you are unhappy...first evaluate why....and getting married too young is not the right answer. Once you understand why you are unhappy....you can then work toward improving the way you feel...but in that work...include your spouse.

 

I found in our relationship...it was me that had moved.....he knew something was not right....but i turned from him instead of toward him...I moved....

 

I hope you get personal help to understand why you feel what you feel....and i hope you move toward your husband instead of away from him....and i hope you cling to the things that attracted you to each other in the first place....

 

Life is what you make it....if you are bored evaluate why.....and work with your spouse to improve things instead of against him. getting married too young...is in my opinion a cop out......

[Clarence_Boddicker]

Yes, you married too young & for the wrong reasons. That doesn't mean that your marriage is doomed to failure, as long as both of you want it to last. Your feelings are normal & will probably never fully go away. Unless you have a partner that would allow you to play single for awhile to see what you might have missed, you'll never get to know what that's like for sure. You can learn from all the women who were in good relationships and cheated, lost their spouses & fully regret doing so. Most of them found their affairs to be unsatisfactory, after the initial excitement wore off.

 

 

An easy way to look at it is what is more important to you? The unknown of being with another person or the possibility of never speaking or seeing your husband again.

[nom_de_plume]

Clarence, thank you for your response. However, this has nothing to do with me wanting to sleep around with other men. This is about me wanting to figure out what I want. Ideally, I'd love to play single for a while. I've never lived on my own. I moved in with my husband right out of my parents' house. I'd love to move to a new city and start a new life for myself rather than stay and avoid it. I also don't think I'm being fair to my husband. I hate that he has to deal with someone who's still trying to figure things out. He tells me he chooses to be with me despite my issues but It doesn't make sense to me - why be with someone who's uncertain all the time?

[Carriages]

To answer the question on your thread title, the short answer is yes, you did marry too young. There's plenty of research to suggest that formation of the adult brain isn't complete before at least the age of 26, and choosing a life partner before this time is taking something of a gamble.

 

But this information is useless to you now. To use this as some sort of passport for exiting your marriage would be like reaching into a fire, then extinguishing the fire to cure your burnt hand. At the end of the day, whether or not you married too young is of no relevance whatsoever. It only matters what you can achieve going forward from here.

[lucy_in_disguise]

Thank you for your responses and perspectives. I'm in my early 30s.

 

I completely understand that this is a first world problem so typically after the pity party I feel an incredible amount of guilt because there are people in this world who have real, existential problems.

 

I came from a tough home so I had no childhood to speak of. I went from being a child with adult problems to a young adult with adult responsibilities. I did get married for the wrong reasons. And it doesn't mean that I didn't love nor do I love my husband any less. I guess I just never got a chance to have fun and figure things out for my own and make mistakes because I always had someone else to think about. I feel like I've met everyone's expectations except my own - my only expectation was to be someone who knows who she is and I'm still looking for that.

 

What I'd really love to do is pack up my things and travel the world for six months to a year. I know that many couples do this and while my husband and I do travel for one to two weeks out of the year, realistically, this is not something we could do. My husband has career ambitions that do not make this a possibility (I, on the other hand, could work remotely). I've been telling him for nearly a decade that I want to move to a different state and try to build a life elsewhere and do activities that are just not possible in our part of the country.

 

My husband would be content living a more or less quiet, domesticated life. Essentially what we've been doing this whole time. And I know that the grass always seems greener on the other side and sometimes it may truly be better. I just want a chance to at least figure it out for myself.

 

I don't necessarily think your issue is that you married young, but that you want different things out of life now. You want more risk and excitement, while tour husbands wants a qyiet simple life. It's true that most people have more risk in their lives when theyre younger, whij is why you may feel like you have lost out, but I don't know that the desires disappears entirely for some people. My parents are in their 50's and have been married for 30+ years and my dad still talks about moving to another country just for fun after a lifetime of moving around.

 

I would encourage you to look for opportunities to get your fix within your marriage. Based on your posts, it kinda sounds like youre used to going along with what your husband wants, all the while ignoring your own desires. He doesnt want to move, so you drop the convo. He does t want to travel, so you dont go. There is no reason you cant ask him to compromise more, or to do more stuff on your own. I think the trick to having a marriage that is fulfilling, is being flexible enough to accomodate changing desires.

 

Another suggestion is to explore activities that push you, mentally and physically, to your limit. You can learn all kinds of things about yourself through training for a marathon, going on a survival trip, etc.

 

I dont think you need to take the extreme step of leaving your marriage to satisfy some of these cravings. You just need to commit to doing things for yourself, and better communication with your husband to get his support.

[kgcolonel]

One additional perspective, my wife and I married at 23 and are now married for 33 years. I too began to feel the missing components several years ago and wanted to expand "our horizons". So after approximately 28 years of marriage, we began to discuss our "bucket lists". Hers being things like a world famous hot air balloon fest in New Mexico and mine being a nude beach. (Yes my bl is I think typical guy / sex stuff). As a result of this communication, we have enjoyed trying new things FOR EACH OTHER.

 

Our marriage isn't perfect but there is a new component of enjoyment in giving to each other instead of focusing on what is missing from "my wants". Why not give this a try, sit down with him and ask him what he would like to do / add in the way of experiences to your relationship (assuming monogamy is your path) and make it a point to work toward that. I'll bet that he'll reciprocate the effort.