Need some & support...

[Emerald_11]

So I finally did it and had a very hard conversation with my husband about him maybe moving out soon. He said he wants to stay together and be a family but I find it hard to trust him. When we talked about breaking up he told me I was very selfish. Am I being selfish? I feel like I have tried everything possible to save our relationship.

*I planned a mini vacation for us and had to basically force him to go with me. Then it turned out to be a disaster. I tried to make the best of it but while we were staying out of town he lost his cell phone case and we looked everywhere and did not find it then he was really upset about that the whole rest of the vacation.

**I try to get a baby sitter so we can hang out alone sometimes and go out together but lately it seems like we are always really broke and cant afford that at all.

**I tried to get him to go to marriage counseling a while back and we went to one session and never went back. He thought we didn't need it.

 

He said he quit doing hydros about two weeks ago. Then a friend of mine told me that is not true and I know she has no reason to lie about that. So that means he is just hiding it from me. His pill addiction has been a major problem both financially and with the way he behaves after doing them. So I felt really bummed out to learn this. I did not confront my husband about it because I don't want him to know that she told on him.

I do believe that he has cut back a lot on the pills and he did have a really bad withdrawal from them. When that was happening he called me all sort of names like bitch and cunt. I can't remember what I did to make him that mad at me. He never apologized until I told him I was still mad at him for saying all that stuff. I like apologies more when you don't have to ask for them.

I have really been doing a lot of soul searching lately and I just feel like continuing on with this relationship is just going to be rocky and disappointing. I just don't see how anything he is doing/ not doing is going to get us anywhere in life.

 

But I am also very scared to try to make a life for myself alone.

 

Something else that has really been bugging me is how he used to constantly try to get me to have threesomes with him. Then after I told him it would never happen we had to discuss some boundaries quite a few times.

here is just one of many examples>He used to go to a girls house to buy pills every week sometimes two or three times a week and stay there and hang out for a couple hours each time. When I talked to him about it he said he didn't want her to get busted for dealing pills and he was being courteous so no one would become suspicious about people coming and going. I was hurt and upset that he was more concerned about her pill selling looking suspicious than his marriage being thought of as suspicious for him spending time alone with another woman. He even worked on her car one time while he was there which really got to me because I have tons of stuff I need him to fix at home for me that is still not fixed.

I even have friends of mine telling me he is giving them the impression that he is flirting with him.

I want to be with a life partner who makes me feel like the most beautiful woman in the world even though I know I am not. It hurt a lot and I still don't know why he would want to invite other women into something that is supposed to be special between just him and I.

I told him I still care deeply for him and love him but just think that he might not be my soulmate. I told him I want to work something out to co parent our kids together.

 

Does anyone have any advice about how to get through this?

I think we should try counseling but money is tight.

 

Encouraging words would be appreciated.

[Mrlovahlovah]

No brainer love.

Yes you two have a family together and that's something that warrants an extra effort trying to keep intact but this seems beyond counseling. He sounds like an awful partner and you deserve to be happy with someone who appreciates you and himself or at least shows willingness to. Get this done asap. It wont be easy but down the line youll be grateful. Maybe the seperation will wake him up and he will make a change in his life. Maybe he wont. Hes dragging you down.

[mystikmind2005]

gee, what a predicament! I'm so sorry for you

 

i don't know what to tell you?,,, if i was in your position i would be extremely reluctant to separate due to the possibility custody resulted in me having to leave that man alone with my children and i don't know what direction his substance abuse may take over time??

 

If i was you i would either go all out to get him cleaned up and or start saving up evidence so if i have to go to court, he won't get custody involving him being alone with the kids.... or if he would agree to regular drug testing then it would be ok.

[Hammie]

It sounds to me that the problems in your relationship stem from addiction issues.

 

He needs to deal with that before he will do what is best for you and the children.

 

I dont know what to advise for the best. I think you need to stress the need for something to change, but as I have been told a lot myself recently, you cant change him, only he can, and until he does, nothing is going to change in your relationship.

 

Sorry I cant be of much more help. I think, from what you say, there are other issues that need dealng with before you can be in a position to save your relationship.

[mightycpa]

You married a guy who decided to get married to pills and the people that provide the pills.

 

He spends his free time with his dealer and the pills. He spends his extra money on the dealer and the pills. Instead of doing things to make life better for the family (earning more money, getting trained or educated, going to family counseling or having a nice family vacation) it doesn't happen.

 

Why would you want an underachieving, uninterested drug user to co-parent your kids? He's not family man, that's for sure.

 

I'd start gathering evidence of his drug usage, take it to a good attorney, and have him help you dictate the terms of your divorce. He might change later, and when he does, you can modify the extent of his involvement. But he's not in a good place right now, either as a father or as a role model.

 

Would you really leave your kids alone with him, trusting him not to go on a bender while they are there?

[Emerald_11]

Thank you for your responses.

I have caught my husband in two lies in just one day! It makes me so sad and mad.

 

Lie#1 --He said he gave his pill crusher to a friend of his and no longer does pills.

**Friends of mine tell me he is still buying pills and have witnessed him doing them recently. Also I found the pill crusher he supposedly gave away in his truck. I took a picture of the pill crusher in his truck and saved it in two places in my phone. I keep my phone locked and password protected.

 

Lie#2 -- He told me he has no idea why $60 was missing from my wallet.

I realized that I had $60 less in my wallet one morning when I was getting ready to go than I had the night before. I did not go anywhere and no one came over. I looked at all of my receipts that were on my purse and it does not add up. There is no way I spent $60 and forgot about it. N one else could have taken the money besides him or my kids...but I don't think my kids would have any reason to do that. I looked in my daughters purse and she has less than $10 and I'm sure it is hers.

 

 

All this lying makes me think he lied about not having sex with the girl he used to visit all the time. Maybe he did cheat on me then. Why would he tell me if he did.

 

As far as child custody goes I think I will seek full custody with very little time with their Dad. Just until he can prove that he has recovered from the addictions by going to treatment.

I think I might already have plenty of evidence that supports the fact that I am the only safe parent they have.

 

My husband and I talked about how he goes- as he calls it "off the deep end" and I expressed to him that it has to stop happening. He could not promise me it wont happen again. I know it will happen again. His episodes are very crazy and scary.

 

I just do not know how to go about confronting him about these lies...

What should I do?

 

At this point I know this marriage is over.

I found out about a support group for women who have experienced domestic violence just like I have and I am going to go talk to them about getting out of this situation.

I did not realize that he is still being abusive when he calls me mean names all the time. It is a way to try to break me down and control me.

I am so done with it.

He just wont move out/ leave!! Even after I told him he needs to.....

Edited November 2, 2015 by Emerald_11