Husband had EA PA with ex porn star/ stripper

[sleeplessincali]

Hello,

First post here.

 

Today (Halloween will never be the same again) I just discovered that my husband of 17 years has been having an emotional and physical affair for about 3 months. Thier friendship was casual and spuratic for about 3 years.

 

I was feeling odd after discovering a friend of mine was going through an emotional affair with her husband. My spider senses were tingling and my husband had been acting withdrawn and odd.

I told him there was something going on, and to tell me what it was, and then I prayed about it. I got the answer (from God I think) to check his phone. He handed it over and watch me as I found pages and pages of I love yous and your wonderful and hook up times for when they would meet etc. I was crushed of course, and confused. He is in love with an ex-porn star/ stripper and writing her "book"..she validated his work and he became a savior or sorts for she was in a physically abusive relationship.

He does not seem to show much remorse. Not much emotion. He's a writer creative type so I expected more. I'm not sure if he's in shock, or what is happening. His texting indicated he loves her, but too throw away 17 years of marriage and 2 kids????

We are both spiritual and God is (for me at least, I don't know about him any more) the center of our relationship. We were both virgins when we married and his friends find him loyal and I found him to be an amazing person. He was always the good guy, the one people trusted.

 

Our challenges:

-We are renting a seperated sublet space from my parents with our 2 kids. Far away from his parents and where he grew up and wants to go back to work more in SoCal but we can't afford it. That was his reason for cheating. Unhappy in work, hated coming home.

-he works away from home much of the time. More opportunities to cheat. Indie contractor, so he must travel for work.

 

-had unprotected sex with stripper /porn star girlfriend. I'm wondering about STDs and pregnancy. I need to get tested. So does he. I want to try to reconsile, but if a baby pops up, I'm outy.

 

-has not ended contact with her. He is confused and does not want to hurt her. He's in love and wondering who to pick. I'm thinking he may be lost to me, but I can't tell at this early stage. I don't believe in divorse as a back door, and I though he felt the same, but not I'm not certain.

 

-I'm unemployed SAHM since spouse works away from home, I stay with kids.

 

Is there hope ? We prayed together tonight, but he still is conflicted. I told him I would not settle for being a distant second and told him to take a couple of days to figure it out. I told him, if he does not want to be with me, he needs to be the one to release me....but I can't stand for more deception and lies... Is it really that hard to figure this out?

[Qboro90]

Hello,

First post here.

 

Today (Halloween will never be the same again) I just discovered that my husband of 17 years has been having an emotional and physical affair for about 3 months. Thier friendship was casual and spuratic for about 3 years.

 

I was feeling odd after discovering a friend of mine was going through an emotional affair with her husband. My spider senses were tingling and my husband had been acting withdrawn and odd.

I told him there was something going on, and to tell me what it was, and then I prayed about it. I got the answer (from God I think) to check his phone. He handed it over and watch me as I found pages and pages of I love yous and your wonderful and hook up times for when they would meet etc. I was crushed of course, and confused. He is in love with an ex-porn star/ stripper and writing her "book"..she validated his work and he became a savior or sorts for she was in a physically abusive relationship.

He does not seem to show much remorse. Not much emotion. He's a writer creative type so I expected more. I'm not sure if he's in shock, or what is happening. His texting indicated he loves her, but too throw away 17 years of marriage and 2 kids????

We are both spiritual and God is (for me at least, I don't know about him any more) the center of our relationship. We were both virgins when we married and his friends find him loyal and I found him to be an amazing person. He was always the good guy, the one people trusted.

 

Our challenges:

-We are renting a seperated sublet space from my parents with our 2 kids. Far away from his parents and where he grew up and wants to go back to work more in SoCal but we can't afford it. That was his reason for cheating. Unhappy in work, hated coming home.

-he works away from home much of the time. More opportunities to cheat. Indie contractor, so he must travel for work.

 

-had unprotected sex with stripper /porn star girlfriend. I'm wondering about STDs and pregnancy. I need to get tested. So does he. I want to try to reconsile, but if a baby pops up, I'm outy.

 

-has not ended contact with her. He is confused and does not want to hurt her. He's in love and wondering who to pick. I'm thinking he may be lost to me, but I can't tell at this early stage. I don't believe in divorse as a back door, and I though he felt the same, but not I'm not certain.

 

-I'm unemployed SAHM since spouse works away from home, I stay with kids.

 

Is there hope ? We prayed together tonight, but he still is conflicted. I told him I would not settle for being a distant second and told him to take a couple of days to figure it out. I told him, if he does not want to be with me, he needs to be the one to release me....but I can't stand for more deception and lies... Is it really that hard to figure this out?

 

 

You're husband cheats on you, lies to you, is clearly showing love and affection towards another woman and you think "he has to release you". Um what the heck kind of backwards thinking is that. You're giving him MORE control over the marriage after he's proven that after 17 years he doesn't share the same values you might think he does or did at one point.

 

Doesn't matter if this woman is an ex pornstar, a Nobel Prize winner, or homeless woman. He broke his vows. He's not remorseful otherwise he would have confessed instead of waiting for you to confront him and look through his phone. (Also... Looking though a guys phone isn't a sign from God.... It's common sense due to the fact that it's 95% of the reason cheaters get caught when their partner looks at their phone or email).

 

You're clearly very religious so I can't relate and advise you in the ways I think you want to be advised. If you want to hear "do anything to fix the marriage, make it work, you can get through this, start seeing a marriage counselor" . Then people can tell you those things. But just remember..... He's not going to stop cheating on you. It might stop with this woman... He'll say he's changed... You'll feel like you got through it. Then once you're unsuspecting again... He will get right back to it... With her, or someone else.

 

He travels a lot for work? So you're not going to ever know what he does or who he sees while he's away. He'll be convincing and you will want to believe he's just with work related people. He's lied to you for 17 years... He good at it. The act is mastered. I personally would never be able to trust someone who didn that to me and that would strain the relationship.

 

If you have 0 income, and no outside source of confidence then I suggest strongly you speak to a divorce lawyer in order to be smart about it and prepare for the worst case scenario.

 

What if he takes time to think and comes back and tells you "I thought about it, I'm sorry, I fell in love with someone else, I want to be with her, I'm releasing you from our marriage, I'm selling the house and moving to live closer to her"

 

What will you do?

 

Your religious culture has engrained a submissive attitude and self view therefore your husband has nothing to fear. He knows you won't leave him... He knows you can't support yourself financially without him, he can do whatever he wants because you haven't stood up for yourself and called him out on being a piece of **** adulterer.

 

Hope for the best, prepare for the worst.

[goodyblue]

The last line from the previous poster pretty much says it all... hope for the best, prepare for the worst.

[Lois_Griffin]

Hello,

First post here.

 

Today (Halloween will never be the same again) I just discovered that my husband of 17 years has been having an emotional and physical affair for about 3 months. Thier friendship was casual and spuratic for about 3 years.

 

I was feeling odd after discovering a friend of mine was going through an emotional affair with her husband. My spider senses were tingling and my husband had been acting withdrawn and odd.

I told him there was something going on, and to tell me what it was, and then I prayed about it. I got the answer (from God I think) to check his phone. He handed it over and watch me as I found pages and pages of I love yous and your wonderful and hook up times for when they would meet etc. I was crushed of course, and confused. He is in love with an ex-porn star/ stripper and writing her "book"..she validated his work and he became a savior or sorts for she was in a physically abusive relationship.

He does not seem to show much remorse. Not much emotion. He's a writer creative type so I expected more. I'm not sure if he's in shock, or what is happening. His texting indicated he loves her, but too throw away 17 years of marriage and 2 kids????

We are both spiritual and God is (for me at least, I don't know about him any more) the center of our relationship. We were both virgins when we married and his friends find him loyal and I found him to be an amazing person. He was always the good guy, the one people trusted.

 

Our challenges:

-We are renting a seperated sublet space from my parents with our 2 kids. Far away from his parents and where he grew up and wants to go back to work more in SoCal but we can't afford it. That was his reason for cheating. Unhappy in work, hated coming home.

-he works away from home much of the time. More opportunities to cheat. Indie contractor, so he must travel for work.

 

-had unprotected sex with stripper /porn star girlfriend. I'm wondering about STDs and pregnancy. I need to get tested. So does he. I want to try to reconsile, but if a baby pops up, I'm outy.

 

-has not ended contact with her. He is confused and does not want to hurt her. He's in love and wondering who to pick. I'm thinking he may be lost to me, but I can't tell at this early stage. I don't believe in divorse as a back door, and I though he felt the same, but not I'm not certain.

 

-I'm unemployed SAHM since spouse works away from home, I stay with kids.

 

Is there hope ? We prayed together tonight, but he still is conflicted. I told him I would not settle for being a distant second and told him to take a couple of days to figure it out. I told him, if he does not want to be with me, he needs to be the one to release me....but I can't stand for more deception and lies... Is it really that hard to figure this out?

Why are you doing the "pick me!" dance?

 

Why are you asking HIM to decide the future of your marriage?

 

Why are you good with reconciling with a lying cheater who has shown you no respect or regard at all, blames YOU for his cheating, and claims to be in love with his porn star girlfriend?

 

Why are willing to forgive him if this woman isn't pregnant? He's worthy of your forgiveness as long as he and this woman were diligent with birth control?

 

I doubt this is his first time cheating. It's probably his first time getting attached to who he's seeing on the side, and his first time getting caught, but I seriously doubt it's his first rodeo.

 

You're sitting pretty since you're basically renting from your parents. You can boot his ass out. Maybe he'll run back home because he's 'so miserable that he had to cheat on you' because you had to move to your current city. Poor, poor muffin.

 

I can't in good conscience convince you to delude yourself, but if that's what you're looking for, there are infidelity/reconciliation boards out there that will delude you into reconciling at all costs. They'll tsk tsk tsk and pat you on the back, tell you to 'breath' (sic) and to drink water and to JOURNAL. If all else fails, don't forget to JOURNAL!!! That will cure ALL your ills! They'll help you stay deluded and keep that nice, warm sand right up around your ears - no matter how badly you're being disrespected.

 

Respect yourself FIRST. Everything else is second.

[sleeplessincali]

Wow. You all don't pull no punches. LOL

 

Affair was 3 months, not 17 years. I'm not sure that he is blaming me.....and I do think this was the first time.

 

I do see the pick pick dance though in my self. I guess I want him to want to fight for reconciliation.....

[Friskyone4u]

Sleepless,

 

Unless you show him some consequences, he has no reason to fight for any reconciliation. Right now he is basically telling you he is going to "cake eat", and have both of you for as long as he decides to. That is called being on the fence, and he needs you to help kick his ass off the fence one way or the other.

 

Now I am not sure what ex stripper or ex porn star means, but if he is considering throwing away your relationship for someone who may at some point decide to go back to giving lap dances, it does not say much for his ability to think with his brain that is above his waist.

 

His is having sex with a woman ogther than you and refusing to stop. That means without agreeing to it you are now in an open marraige.

 

My suggestion is to see an attorney without telling husband and once you are sure of your rights present hubby with a clear choice and a timeframe to make it, preferable about 30 minutes..

 

Dont be Plan B

[Ladyjane14]

I'm all about reconciling whenever possible. But your first move is as described in the posts above. You lay your ears back and REFUSE to tolerate sharing your spouse. If that means ending the marriage, so be it. You won't have his full and undivided attention until he understands that continued adultery means losing what he has at home.

 

There's no possibility of true reconciliation until the cheating stops. And be prepared... even if he says he'll end it with Miss Porn, he's likely to backslide some, so you'll have to be prepared to hold him accountable. The first step to saving a marriage is, weirdly, your willingness to end it.

[sleeplessincali]

I'm all about reconciling whenever possible. But your first move is as described in the posts above. You lay your ears back and REFUSE to tolerate sharing your spouse. If that means ending the marriage, so be it. You won't have his full and undivided attention until he understands that continued adultery means losing what he has at home.

 

There's no possibility of true reconciliation until the cheating stops. And be prepared... even if he says he'll end it with Miss Porn, he's likely to backslide some, so you'll have to be prepared to hold him accountable. The first step to saving a marriage is, weirdly, your willingness to end it.

 

Yes, I did tell him under no circumstances will he talk to or see her again or I'm out and the kids go with me. That was always the plan.

[Ladyjane14]

Yes, I did tell him under no circumstances will he talk to or see her again or I'm out and the kids go with me. That was always the plan.

 

Well, if he's still saying he's "conflicted", then it seems unlikely that he's on board with The Plan yet.

 

Sounds like you've got some sort of Madonna/Whore situation on your hands. You'll need to insist that he get Individual Counseling (IC) before any Marriage Counseling (MC) is likely to do much good. You'll need legal counsel, and you'll to need to be tested for STDs as you noted in your opening post.

 

And I hope when you say "I'm out" that you're not talking about leaving the home. If he can't resolve his "conflict" in the next 24 hours or so.. toss his clothes and shaving gear in a cardboard box and put them out on the porch.

 

Remember too, that you may not have seen the beginning of the adultery, but you're going to need to see the end. You need to be PRESENT for the break-up, whether it's by email, text, or phone... but it's not to be done in person.

[quankanne]

get the both of you – or at least yourself – to counseling. It may not heal the marriage, but you'll definitely get a better grasp at what's going on and what your real options are.

 

to the poster who claims religion makes people submissive: Uh, no. It doesn't. It just gives an added depth to how someone views their marital relationship, that it's just not a throw-away event just because it doesn't suit.

 

that said, OP, don't think just because you are a religious person that you have to suffer a broken marriage because you're told that's what you're supposed to do. Pray about it, get counseling (personal and legal), weigh your options and then decide. When you said "I do" before God and everyone, I'm thinking it didn't mean staying stuck in a marriage where there's no trust or respect or fidelity, because those things are tantamount to keeping your marriage spiritually wholesome. Or, in other words, why would God – who loves you dearly – keep you in an imperfect relationship? Should you force yourself to do that then?

[Qboro90]

Yes, I did tell him under no circumstances will he talk to or see her again or I'm out and the kids go with me. That was always the plan.

 

Can you please tell us why you think he will be truthful with you about ending his relationship with her? He's obviously comfortable lying to you if he's carried this affair on. Have you found out how they met? You're never going to get the full truth. He will only tell you what he knows you are aware of. Otherwise there is no need for him to dig himself a deeper hole.

 

You thinking that this is the first time this has happened and was only 3 months out of the 17 years you're married is naive and denial. It's common but be smart enough to know that you're marriage and husband aren't the exception to the rule. Odds are that if he's interacting and falling in love with an ex pornstar,.... Then he's been interacting with women besides you for a long time.

 

If it was a mistake he would've felt guilty about doing it. Instead, it appears he's fallen head over heels in love with her.

 

You should be passed off. What's your financial situation like generally?

 

Do you own a house? How would you pay the bills if he decides he wants her instead of you? Where will you stay? How would you pay for a divorce lawyer if he decides to be a prick and not pay alimony.

 

Consequences. He needs to feel pressure. If I were you I'd keep the option to notify his boss and family members that he's having an affair with a ex hooker.

Tell him you will expose him if he does not do things maturely or if he cuts you off or tried to get you to leave.

[sleeplessincali]

Well, if he's still saying he's "conflicted", then it seems unlikely that he's on board with The Plan yet.

 

Sounds like you've got some sort of Madonna/Whore situation on your hands. You'll need to insist that he get Individual Counseling (IC) before any Marriage Counseling (MC) is likely to do much good. You'll need legal counsel, and you'll to need to be tested for STDs as you noted in your opening post.

 

And I hope when you say "I'm out" that you're not talking about leaving the home. If he can't resolve his "conflict" in the next 24 hours or so.. toss his clothes and shaving gear in a cardboard box and put them out on the porch.

 

Remember too, that you may not have seen the beginning of the adultery, but you're going to need to see the end. You need to be PRESENT for the break-up, whether it's by email, text, or phone... but it's not to be done in person.

 

Yes, all of this. Yes. He has not written or called her yet, but she texted last night. I told him that I needed to be there for that.

 

I think his bubble may be deflating a bit. He broke down with many apologies early early this morning. What I expected yesterday actually. And he mentions that he will need to tell her something.....but he's still a bit conflicted and confused and yes, I did give him a deadline. Tuesday. I hope it does not take him that long, and I can't believe he needs to make the choice.

 

What do you all do with triggers? Every time he grabs for his phone my stomach dropps.

 

This pain is horrendous. I have not been able to keep any food down.

[sleeplessincali]

My husband is a writer and her agent caught wind of a comedy script that he wrote several years. They all had casual business contact. Things started escalating about 3 months ago. I saw the whole string of texts.....it is consistent with what he is saying.

 

I guess I'm confused as to why you think he is a continual cheater? Is it because he did not come clean? He has been forthcoming and has answered all of my questions.

 

I'm not trying to protect him, but I'm freaked out and trying to navigate this the best that I can.

[sleeplessincali]

Thank you for your post on my thread. Quakenne I could not have said it more beautifully..

[sandylee1]

Sorry for the situation facing you.

 

I suggest you look up the 180 and implement it. A very useful tool where infidelity is concerned.

 

You don't want divorce...but it would be wise to consult a divorce lawyer and see where you stand financially in the event that he wants a divorce. You need to ensure you and the children are protected.

 

Look out for yourself.....develop the attitude that YOU are worth it and that you won't tolerate a cheating husband with no remorse. Anything less is selling yourself short.

 

Let's see how his like with the ex porn star would pan out....

Something tells me it wouldn't last at all...then he'd come back crawling to you.

[Ladyjane14]

Yes, all of this. Yes. He has not written or called her yet, but she texted last night. I told him that I needed to be there for that.

 

I think his bubble may be deflating a bit. He broke down with many apologies early early this morning. What I expected yesterday actually. And he mentions that he will need to tell her something.....but he's still a bit conflicted and confused and yes, I did give him a deadline. Tuesday. I hope it does not take him that long, and I can't believe he needs to make the choice.

 

What do you all do with triggers? Every time he grabs for his phone my stomach dropps.

 

This pain is horrendous. I have not been able to keep any food down.

 

You're scared and you're hurt. Job one is taking care of yourself. Try taking bland food in small amounts, maybe a little rice and very simply prepared breast of chicken... and just like when you were queasy during pregnancy, have liquids pretty much separately from food, so you don't have a lot of sloshing around in the stomach.

 

In terms of the phone, don't be afraid to call him on his bull****. He's been using that phone to cheat on you. Tell him you're bothered by it. He can either put it in a drawer and leave it there while he's in the home with you... or he and his phone are free to go. There aren't any chains on the doors or bars on the windows.

[quankanne]

you're welcome

 

I guess I'm confused as to why you think he is a continual cheater? Is it because he did not come clean? He has been forthcoming and has answered all of my questions.

 

just to let you know, I'm one of the older members of The Shack, so my views are pretty much old-school. So to me, when someone unfaithful to a relationship (in word, deed or action), it screams disrespect. If it's easy enough to do it once, it's probably not a problem to do it again. As other posters said, make the stakes high when it comes to consequences –*not saying be a hard-core bitch, but make them realistic to a point where he understands what exactly he's giving up. I often wonder if a cheater gets into a rut, or engages in a fantasy land and without fully thinking things through, follows through on a decision that in hindsight was a terrible choice.

 

If you two do get to counseling, ask him gently but firmly what he thought an affair would do for him, and for y'all. This isn't being mean, honest to goodness, but a genuine question that will help you gage just how much thought he put into his behavior.

[sleeplessincali]

I often wonder if a cheater gets into a rut, or engages in a fantasy land and without fully thinking things through, follows through on a decision that in hindsight was a terrible choice.

 

If you two do get to counseling, ask him gently but firmly what he thought an affair would do for him, and for y'all. This isn't being mean, honest to goodness, but a genuine question that will help you gage just how much thought he put into his behavior.

 

He has answered all of those questions, and pretty much said word for word what you stated ...he was in a rut, stuck and was in a fantasy. In a Whirlwind and did not put much thought into it.

 

The affair seemed to fill a need to be appreciated artistically. Also, she is pretty. I thought I was doing that, he is an amazing writer, but he likened it to being praised by your mom. That mixed with trying to help her out of a severly abusive relationship I think is what he got from it.

 

We've spent a lot of time talking today and he seems to be doing the self analysis thing.

Edited November 2, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Formatting quote ~6

[sleeplessincali]

One thing I'm having trouble with is that he mentioned in texts over and over that he loved her. He says he thought he fell out of love with me but I don't know the reasoning and we'll need to investigate that. He mentioned that he felt resentment towards me because of where we live and that could be part of it. Although I td him we can move any time, he feels stuck.

 

As for the affair, I'm assuming love and lust are getting all jumbled up with the thrill of the new relationship and new love....???

[sleeplessincali]

And I hope when you say "I'm out" that you're not talking about leaving the home.

Yes,I'm referring to out of the marriage not house. He would have to go.

[sandylee1]

One thing I'm having trouble with is that he mentioned in texts over and over that he loved her. He says he thought he fell out of love with me but I don't know the reasoning and we'll need to investigate that. He mentioned that he felt resentment towards me because of where we live and that could be part of it. Although I td him we can move any time, he feels stuck.

 

As for the affair, I'm assuming love and lust are getting all jumbled up with the thrill of the new relationship and new love....???

 

Men often say they love the OW. It's a way to keep them in the affair sometimes, otherwise the woman can think she's being used for sex. Men don't usually feel used for sex, but women do.

 

There is also that fantasy feeling in affairs. It all seems hunky dory, but in the cold light of day....it doesn't feel like it was a great idea afterwards.

 

You need to knock him off the fence and get him to decide...and then you need to navigate the long road of reconciliation.

 

Realise that you can't reconcile with an unremorseful spouse though......if he wants the ex porn star..then let him go.....if he wants reconciliation....then he needs to know what that involves.

 

Any WS with a sense of entitlement is not suitable for reconciliation.

 

Don't settle for less than you deserve.

[sleeplessincali]

Lots of work being done over here in the last day. He has decided to go forward and reconcile/ close doors - contact with OW and we are trying to find the root source of where/when things went off kilter for him.

 

He's had many breakdowns realizing what is happening and told my parents. My parents were amazingly supportive of him and me. My dad was angry, but incredibly gracious. My parents are helping with small things with the kids so that is good.

 

I've managed to eat some rice and had a beer last night so that is a small improvement. Thanks for the advice on that.

[ladydesigner]

(((sleeplessincali))) I'm in cali too! I'm so sorry you are dealing with such a wuss of a WH.

 

I agree with all the other posters, it's time to put on those bitch boots and get to kicking some butt

 

Look up the 180 and implement it, in the meantime look into installing a keylogger on his phone, laptop, computer (you know all his crafty secret devices) and get yourself a few VAR's (voice activated recorders) and plant them in his car and other places you may catch him. These work like a charm if your partner is being unfaithful.

 

Make sure that your WH is NC with the OW if not pack his ****!

[ladydesigner]

Lots of work being done over here in the last day. He has decided to go forward and reconcile/ close doors - contact with OW and we are trying to find the root source of where/when things went off kilter for him.

 

He's had many breakdowns realizing what is happening and told my parents. My parents were amazingly supportive of him and me. My dad was angry, but incredibly gracious. My parents are helping with small things with the kids so that is good.

 

I've managed to eat some rice and had a beer last night so that is a small improvement. Thanks for the advice on that.

 

Keep an eye out, read my last post, these WS's sometimes like to take their filthy secrets underground where no one will find them.

 

I would be watching and prying for more info.

[SoleMate]

Your husband is a scriptwriter, yet he works away from home?

 

That's very unusual.