Is he lying? MM takes his wife out on excursions.

[LimeBlue]

I am married, he is married. We have both been married for over 20 years. Both his marriage and my marriage are our first, neither of us have been divorced (yet).

 

My marriage is not getting better and I am ready to leave. I am also aware that when I leave, I will have to make a clean break and be done with it because I believe this will be better for all involved (no kids thankfully, MM also has no kids). By clean break, I mean not making excuses to see my husband for any reason.

 

MM tells me he loves me and wants to spend the rest of his life with me, yet he is doing nothing to show me this. I have told him that I no longer believe a word he says because his actions never follow through. He tells me he will prove it to me.

 

However, he is constantly making excuses as to why he is spending so much time with his wife (who is very narcissistic and controlling). His excuse is that he does not hate her so in his view it is ok to spend time with her such as going out to dinner, going to see a show, going out for a picnic, going to movies etc.

 

He also claims that his wife is going to move into the spare room, yet over a month later it has not happened. His excuses for not leaving are because of financial reasons, the gardener will be out of a job, and convenience.

 

What is his game? Will he ever leave? Is he just stringing me along? Perhaps I know the answer to my last question here, but I am too thick headed to see it.

 

What should I do?

[stillafool]

He is more than likely still having sex with his wife as well. You and I both know this man is not going to leave this woman. Good for you that you are going to put an end to your bad marriage. This will free you up to meet a new man and have the life you want. The OM is not going to leave his marriage.

[anika99]

Sounds like he has told a few lies. Starting with his controlling and narcissistic wife. Controlling and narcissistic people are not fun to hang out with yet he seems to rather enjoy his wife's company. Makes me think she is probably a lot more fun then he's led you to believe.

 

If he is still enjoying his wife's time and attention and is still sleeping with her every night and most likely having sex, then I find it unlikely that he will leave. Hard to say who is stringing who along. You haven't left your marriage either.

[SoleMate]

The truth is actually easy to see.....look at ACTIONS, not just words. (The reason is that it's easy to lie with words....it's called being a liar), whereas it can be quite challenging or even impossible to lie with actions.

 

If words and actions are aligned (e.g. if your AP says he wants to leave his wife, then verifiably moves out and verifiably files for divorce and verifiably serves the divorce petition on his wife), then I would suggest he is likely sincere about intending to divorce.

 

If words and actions aren't aligned, as in your case, then trust the actions. Best wishes to you.

[Cymbeline]

She isn't doing a great job of being controlling or narcissistic if she is unaware of an affair that takes significant time.

[Dylon]

His excuse is that he does not hate her so in his view it is ok to spend time with her such as going out to dinner, going to see a show, going out for a picnic, going to movies etc.

 

In some marriages, and I'm not saying that's the case with this man, the couple can function as a friendship. There's love, friendship, shared responsibilities, and everything minus the "romantic love" and "passion". I'm not making excuses for him but in situation like that, the man or woman will be vulnerable to fall romantically for someone else.

[purplesorrow]

In some marriages, and I'm not saying that's the case with this man, the couple can function as a friendship. There's love, friendship, shared responsibilities, and everything minus the "romantic love" and "passion". I'm not making excuses for him but in situation like that, the man or woman will be vulnerable to fall romantically for someone else.

 

A person allows themselves to be vulnerable. You won't cheat if you don't want to.

[Goodbye]

Most MM make the exact claims yours has. Classic. Are you planning to confess and end your own marriage regardless of what MM does?

[Daisy2013]

Good for you for having the courage to leave for you. I hope you find happines. I agree with the others that your MM will likely not leave. Most times, these men can just live with what they have, even if they aren't happy. Rare is the one who follows his heart to be with the OW, even if it where his heart is (not all of them, but those who truly love their OW).

 

My MM has a controlling wife. And she's cold. He can't do anything, so he says. I know for a fact she throws a hissy when he wants to visit his brother who lives an hour away in the country, just to visit and enjoy the peace and quiet, on his family's property. So, he doesn't go. He recently missed another event he'd wanted to attend because she decided to tag along, having no interest in the hobby. In the parking lot, he decided to just turn and go home because he knew she would be complaining in a short time. That's just the tip of the iceberg.

 

But, he stays and does whatever she wants so as not to rock the boat. At this stage in his life all he wants is peace, so he will do what peace takes. He even goes without sex and when I tease him he should go home and get lucky, he gets cranky and says "I dont't get lucky in my house." His stance has never changed on this and he says he will tell me if I ask and he has gotten any.

 

I say all this to tell you that these men (and women, if the shoe fits), are cowards. They will not disrupt their lives for us, even if unhappy. And truthfully, I know he is happy with his life and doing just fine without me a real part of it.

 

Again, I commend you for leaving for you, and hope you find happiness.

[Bluebelle38]

Of course is lying. He said she is narcissistic and controlling so you feel sorry for him. If she really is a narcissistic, as said by someone else, being around her would be an intolerable experience.

 

You cannot rely on this man so if you want to leave your marriage then do so, stop waiting for him to be your convenient new partner. You need to leave your marriage for yourself because this guy is clearly not budging.

 

If he wanted to be free of his wife, he would be. You can be strung along till you eventually get fed up and call it quits. Then he isn't the bad guy.

 

I don't mean to be so blunt, but you have to take the goggles off. Look at the reality of this situation. He has done nothing to convince you he will leave his wife, and frankly, few do because financially it costs them to do so..

 

Please stop being a mug, kick this liar to the curb, get into some therapy so you leave your husband for yourself and never accept the lies and *hit of a mm again.

 

You do deserve so much better than this. Believe it.

[goodyblue]

I can't say what is happening with your MM but don't leave your marriage for any man. If you choose to end your marriage, do it for you.

[Red123]

I'm sorry to say this but if he can afford a gardener for his home I highly doubt he has real financial issues. The gardener being out of a job is not a good reason to stay in an unhappy marriage with a horrible wife. Unless, he's not really unhappy and she's not horrible and he really just likes having you both.

[Babs22]

LimeBlue,

I am in a similar situation. I am married (20 years), he is married (12 years). He has no kids, I have 2, the youngest is 17. We have been having an A for 3 years. He does not plan to leave his wife. He describes them as roommates. They take trips together, that is the hardest time for me. I didn't really figure out that he did not plan to leave his M, until a year out. I was about ready to walk out the door of my M, when the truth came out. My MM said he wanted to make sure I knew he wasn't ready to leave his wife. He wanted to make sure I was ok doing it on my own. He had never made promises really before that, I made a lot of assumptions. When I asked him why he couldn't leave, he said his wife still cared about him, so he couldn't leave. I think he is also worried about what others will think of him. He worries about the financial hit. I know he won't leave her but I am still with him. It is not easy to be the OW knowing he won't ever leave her. I doubt that your MM plans to leave his wife, few seem like they ever do. I hope you haven't invested much time yet.

[bathtub-row]

My xMM's wife is controlling and he's pretty miserable -- I know this as a fact, not because of what he has personally told me -- but he stays married to her and does things with her.

 

We women continually make the mistake of thinking that men put the same value on things that we do. Men rarely leave a marriage when they're miserable. Instead, they cheat and screw up another person's life. I think you believe that if he's truly miserable and disconnected in his marriage, then he'll leave. This just isn't likely to happen.

 

If your marriage is truly bad, then you should leave. But don't make the mistake of leaving your marriage for someone else.

[angel.eyes]

Of course he's a liar! He's having an affair while wining and dining his wife. He's not a very good or creative liar. I mean...he can't divorce because the gardener would be unemployed?!? Is the gardener so talentless that he would never be able to find another gig? So critical that he has to give up his future with you rather than let him go?

 

Sorry, but let's face it. This guy is full of it! Don't make your decisions based on anything he promises you.

[Bluebelle38]

I missed the gardener bit. How pathetic. This man does not want to lose his cushy lifestyle, that is what I meant by financial issues. If he leaves his wife he loses his money. I seriously am in shock you have believed him for this long. You really need to open your eyes and learn to love yourself. This man is taking you for a fool.

[Poppy47]

He is so incredibly transparent, he is ridiculous.

 

Please see through him.

 

Poppy.

[LimeBlue]

I cannot thank you all enough, for taking the time to respond. Some of your responses really do hit home and clear the fog. I want to take the time to reply properly, so I will post shortly. Hopefully this thread will help not only myself, but other OW to see the light of the liar MM.

[Gloria_Smellons]

Do you have an evidence that any of this is real - i.e. he truly intends to divorce his wife?

 

To me it reads that he want's to keep you on the side, but is living his 'normal' life with his wife as usual.

[xxoo]

However, he is constantly making excuses as to why he is spending so much time with his wife (who is very narcissistic and controlling). His excuse is that he does not hate her so in his view it is ok to spend time with her such as going out to dinner, going to see a show, going out for a picnic, going to movies etc.

 

It's ok with who? Not you. Not his wife.

 

For him. It's with him. And since it's ok with him to enjoy his marriage and have you on the side, it should be ok with you, too.

 

Who is the narcissist, again?

 

 

We women continually make the mistake of thinking that men put the same value on things that we do. Men rarely leave a marriage when they're miserable. Instead, they cheat and screw up another person's life.

 

That's the truth.

 

But it's ok with him!

[gettingstronger]

You rank below the gardener- that is all you really need to know to make a decision on what you want-

[LimeBlue]

Before I continue on to quote many of the responses, I should add a little background.

 

MM and I connected 18 months ago. He asked his wife for a divorce immediately, yet she landed up crying and making him feel guilty and so he stayed. Him and I then agreed to stay in our marriages to work on our marriages because it was at that time, the right thing to do. We disconnected yet stayed friends on FaceBook, and as a result both him and I could gauge the goings on in one another lives etc. We would text one another here and there, but nothing more. Now 18 months later we have reconnected.

 

I know his wife personally, we used to be friends. She is definitely controlling and a narc because this is the main reason I ended the friendship with her (before her husband entered my life in a romantic sense) as she tried to control me to the nth degree. She would also play me against her husband in some sick game of triangulation, which she seemed to get a kick out of (she literally treats him like a child) until it back fired when he asked her for a divorce (because of me), and ever since then she has been hanging onto him for dear life. It was at this point that he and I agreed to go back to our marriages because we did not want an affair.

 

MM wife has had two affairs as well as sleeping with their neighbour whilst her husband (my MM) sleeps in the next room... but that is a whole other story.

 

She does not work and has not worked in 30 years so he is the income provider and she is terrified of him leaving. She is such a control freak, to the extent that she even controls what he takes to work for lunch each day. He is co-dependent and seems (in hindsight) to enjoy being played like a puppet on a string by her.

 

I don’t ever see him moving out as his list of excuses are long. Finances, the gardener not having a job (I mean REALLY!!!!), he fears abandoning his wife, he doesn’t want to maintain a new place because at the moment his wife does the running of the home, etc etc etc. Even if he were to move out in an attempt to “prove his feelings for me”, I believe he will land up going back to his wife after a few months. I am not sure why I have this feeling, but it is there and I cannot shake it.

 

He is more than likely still having sex with his wife as well. You and I both know this man is not going to leave this woman.

 

I agree, none of the signs MM gives indicates he will leave. My marriage is not terrible, but it is not great either and has not been great for a number of years. I have been on the verge of leaving for quite some time, yet a part of me still second guesses myself about leaving because I do love my husband very much. I struggle with having no emotional connection with him and no intimacy. We live like roommates. Then I meet MM and suddenly the decision to leave becomes that much easier. Am I kidding myself here?

 

Sounds like he has told a few lies. Starting with his controlling and narcissistic wife. Controlling and narcissistic people are not fun to hang out with yet he seems to rather enjoy his wife's company. Makes me think she is probably a lot more fun then he's led you to believe.

 

I know her personally, used to be friends with her long before I connected with her husband. I had already cut off the friendship before I connected with him, and the reason I cut her off was due to her controlling narc ways she tried to enforce over me. I soon learned that the more comfortable she gets with someone, the more she tries to control and manipulate them. She plays MM like a puppet on a string, and he happily goes along with it. I often think he lacks a spine. You are right, I have not left my marriage yet and I am aware this is something I need to address within myself to make the right decision because if I am brutally honest with myself, I am still not 100% sure about quitting my marriage.

 

If words and actions are aligned (e.g. if your AP says he wants to leave his wife, then verifiably moves out and verifiably files for divorce and verifiably serves the divorce petition on his wife), then I would suggest he is likely sincere about intending to divorce. If words and actions aren't aligned, as in your case, then trust the actions.

 

I agree, and not many of his actions add up. They still sleep in the same bed even though he told me she was moving into the spare room. He said he would move out by the end of Oct and we are 2 days into Nov and he has not moved. Him moving out also would not mean anything to me unless he files for divorce AND follows it through. I have a great suspicion that he would land up moving back to his wife even if he moved out (and she has said that too, she has told me directly).

 

She isn't doing a great job of being controlling or narcissistic if she is unaware of an affair that takes significant time.

 

At the moment it is not an affair. We connected 18 months ago and after a short time (about 3 weeks) called it off because neither of us felt right about it. Months later we have reconnected and still feel the same about one another (at least I do), and our marriages have not improved. Neither of us want an affair, hence this predicament where I feel he is stringing me along.

 

In some marriages, and I'm not saying that's the case with this man, the couple can function as a friendship. There's love, friendship, shared responsibilities, and everything minus the "romantic love" and "passion". I'm not making excuses for him but in situation like that, the man or woman will be vulnerable to fall romantically for someone else.

 

This is exactly what has happened, from both sides.

 

Most MM make the exact claims yours has. Classic. Are you planning to confess and end your own marriage regardless of what MM does?

 

If required yes. My husband and I have already discussed a separation.

 

Rare is the one who follows his heart to be with the OW, even if it where his heart is (not all of them, but those who truly love their OW).

I say all this to tell you that these men (and women, if the shoe fits), are cowards. They will not disrupt their lives for us, even if unhappy. And truthfully, I know he is happy with his life and doing just fine without me a real part of it.

 

I agree that they don’t often leave. My husband met someone a few years ago, I knew he was battling with the decision. Had I known at the time about it, I would have freely let him go. But he stayed with me, and we went through a long period where he resented me. From that experience with my own husband, I can say that MM never leave because as you say, they are cowards.

 

If he wanted to be free of his wife, he would be. You can be strung along till you eventually get fed up and call it quits. Then he isn't the bad guy.

 

I loved reading your post! Yes this is exactly it! He doesn’t want to be the bad guy! Been there with him before, he lacks accountability on ALL fronts.

 

I can't say what is happening with your MM but don't leave your marriage for any man. If you choose to end your marriage, do it for you.

 

Thank you for the reminder, because the truth is that I am not 100% sure I am done with my marriage.

 

I'm sorry to say this but if he can afford a gardener for his home I highly doubt he has real financial issues. The gardener being out of a job is not a good reason to stay in an unhappy marriage with a horrible wife. Unless, he's not really unhappy and she's not horrible and he really just likes having you both.

 

Correct, he earns a lot of money so money is not an issue. It is however a convenient excuse.

 

I know he won't leave her but I am still with him. It is not easy to be the OW knowing he won't ever leave her. I doubt that your MM plans to leave his wife, few seem like they ever do. I hope you haven't invested much time yet.

 

Why do you stay with him? I am struggling to even talk to my MM at the moment because I don’t want to be around someone who is stringing me along. I also do not want to invest more time in someone who may well turn out to be a flaky wet rag.

 

Men rarely leave a marriage when they're miserable. Instead, they cheat and screw up another person's life. I think you believe that if he's truly miserable and disconnected in his marriage, then he'll leave. This just isn't likely to happen.

 

I am starting to see this now. In fact he has even warned me of this exact point. He has told me that I must be careful because he “could ruin everything I have left in my marriage”. He then said “take that as a warning”. **** I am NUTS. I had forgotten about that and your post triggered the memory.

 

He's not a very good or creative liar. I mean...he can't divorce because the gardener would be unemployed?!? Is the gardener so talentless that he would never be able to find another gig? So critical that he has to give up his future with you rather than let him go?

Sorry, but let's face it. This guy is full of it! Don't make your decisions based on anything he promises you.

 

Yes that was his excuse for not moving out yet, because their garden help would be without a job. I told him that is just an excuse. However your post makes me see the light because I had never thought of it in those terms where he is essentially placing the gardeners employment ABOVE ME. Thank you for the sanity check!

 

I missed the gardener bit. How pathetic. This man does not want to lose his cushy lifestyle, that is what I meant by financial issues. If he leaves his wife he loses his money. I seriously am in shock you have believed him for this long. You really need to open your eyes and learn to love yourself. This man is taking you for a fool.

 

I wonder if he is a sociopath?

 

Do you have an evidence that any of this is real - i.e. he truly intends to divorce his wife?

 

Nothing concrete. I know they have spent some time in therapy in the last year, but nothing has helped. But since cutting his wife off (I was friends with her), I now only get his side of the story and who the hell knows if that is all true. I suspect he lies by omission.

 

It's ok with who? Not you. Not his wife.

 

With him yes, he still sees nothing wrong with doing things with his wife. I have told him that divorcing couples do NOT do dinners, movies, shows, sports together. They work on divorcing and moving on, they don’t continue the marriage life.

[Ms. Faust]

 

She does not work and has not worked in 30 years so he is the income provider...

 

Nothing left to say.

 

He ain't leaving.

[whatatangledweb]

Honestly, I don't understood why you don't get why he hasn't moved out when you haven't either. He seems to have the same doubts of leaving his marriage as you do. It seems like you are waiting for him to decide what he is doing before you do. You have to figure how whether you want to divorce or not. Doing a seperation is not a final decision. What if he is waiting to see what you are doing first?

 

I don't really think he is going to leave. If he has been married 30 years , she is a huge part of his life and he doesn't seem to dislike her.

[bathtub-row]

If you're not completely sure about leaving your marriage, then I would advise against it. I always say, never leave unless you're absolutely sure you want the relationship to end. From where I'm standing, your husband looks like a far better bet than the MM.

 

I think you should completely cut ties with MM, stay in your marriage and try to rekindle the love you and your husband share. If you can't rekindle things, then find other ways to enjoy your life. Divorce is really traumatic and I think people should only leave if they're truly unhappy with their spouse and changes can't be made. The fact that you and your husband have found a comfortable place isn't really a bad thing. As you know, being in love is a fleeting thing.