dreamingoftigers Posted December 19, 2015 Share Posted December 19, 2015 If the marriage is THAT BAD and the MM/MW isn't divorcing as quick as possible, that generally means they are full of it or they are hanging onto something. His wife might be the Devil. But he might like being married to the Devil. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author LimeBlue Posted December 19, 2015 Author Share Posted December 19, 2015 Time to tell the wife LOL No secrets there - she knows everything. I believe she is only going along with it because she doesn't want to have to support herself, she is extremely manipulative and controlling (fact - I know her personally). Link to post Share on other sites
dreamingoftigers Posted December 19, 2015 Share Posted December 19, 2015 No secrets there - she knows everything. I believe she is only going along with it because she doesn't want to have to support herself, she is extremely manipulative and controlling (fact - I know her personally). Has she confirmed this to you personally? That she knows everything? Link to post Share on other sites
dreamingoftigers Posted December 19, 2015 Share Posted December 19, 2015 Has she confirmed this to you personally? That she knows everything? Usually malignant narcissists won't abide such.....disregard. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted December 19, 2015 Share Posted December 19, 2015 He just ended it. It seems every time he has a nice day out with his wife, I become forgotten. I asked him about it and he said he can't do this anymore. It hurts like hell, especially when two weeks ago we had a fantastic weekend away and were discussing our way forward so we can be together. We agreed we were "all in", and now this a mere 14 days later? I love him so much and now I've lost him. Just to add salt to my pain, he uploaded a video clip of his day with his wife on Facebook. I was online at the time so I viewed it. The next thing I know is he had changed the privacy settings of the video so I could not see it any longer Good riddance! You're better off. I know right now you can't see that and you're hurting but this roller coaster ride you've been on has done so much damage to you. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Lovetoohard Posted December 19, 2015 Share Posted December 19, 2015 No secrets there - she knows everything. I believe she is only going along with it because she doesn't want to have to support herself, she is extremely manipulative and controlling (fact - I know her personally). His W being manipulative and controlling is irrelevant. We can justify his decision by concluding he's spineles or had a sudden epiphany or whatever because it's human nature to want to find the logic behind the pain we experience. At the end of the day, regardless of the real reasons behind staying in his marriage, MM has made a choice for himself and consequently, for you as well. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Sassy Girl Posted December 20, 2015 Share Posted December 20, 2015 Sorry you're hurting, but this was coming ... $hit just got real. It was all fantasy and future faking... Until you actually made plans to move out and bam... He ends it. A future wasn't part of his plan. So now he's blocked you after you've made moves To progress the relationship. Leave them to their toxic relationship. Heal yourself and move on... Don't look back, 3 Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted December 20, 2015 Share Posted December 20, 2015 The bottom line is... He's happy where he is. He actually does enjoy spending time with his wife and realises they have fun together. If he has good times with her.. then he really hasn't got a need for you unfortunately..... he doesn't need the hassle of two women.... so he's staying with his wife. You'd do well to sort out your own situation and as hard as it may be.. move on. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
RecoveringSlowly Posted December 20, 2015 Share Posted December 20, 2015 I don't have time to read all the responses here, sorry if this has been stated and addressed. I have two finals Monday, but I wanted to take a minute to respond. It is crunch time, and you need to make a decision. I am going to be a little harsh, but I believe an honest question deserves an honest answer. He is stringing you along, and even as you are upset about it, you need to realize that you are stringing your husband along. By sitting, waiting to decide of om will end his marriage, you are disrespecting your husband. You need to sit down, make a decision for yourself, and follow through. There are other people's lives affected by this, including your H, your kids, and his W. Calling her manipulative is fine and dandy, but that is exactly what you are doing to your H. I don't say this to be hurtful or judge mental, I say it because before you make a decision you need. To acknowledge some truths about your behavior. The way I see it, you have two choices: 1. Leave your H. Walk away from OM because he is not in the same place as you, and his disregard for what you want will cause nothing but pain. Find someone new or learn to be happy on your own for a while. 2. Stay with your husband and cut other man entirely out of your life. As long as you are looking athis social media and exchanging occasional texts he is still in your mind and heart. You can't work on your marriage while continuing this relationship. You will need to communicate with your husband, spend time with him to reconnect, and really, REALLY try. From the tone of your post I would go with option two. I think you need to give this an honest try so that you know you did everything you could and it still didn't work. The doubt you are experiencing could go away, or it could manifest as guilt and self loathing further down the road. Unfortunately, by the time you know which it is it will be too late to change. It's time to get your priorities sorted, decide what you want, and get it. No more waiting for other people to make decisions. Take control of your life and, no matter what your choice, you will fell better about it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
WakingUp Posted December 20, 2015 Share Posted December 20, 2015 Maintain NC. Do NOT break in this. It really is the only way to move forward. Remember two things: He is not leaving. You do not want to be in an affair. That is the reality. All the words and love in the world will not change that. Do not cling to hope, dreams or wishes. This only slows your own progress. YOU matter. You do not owe him anything. And just hang in there. You will have good days and bad ones... but the bad days DO become less and the good ones get brighter. Hugs x 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Poppy47 Posted December 20, 2015 Share Posted December 20, 2015 Wow . He's such a rotten sod. Please go ahead and make a new life for yourself. Leave the marriage you are so luke warm about. It will probably all turn out much better than if you were to end up with MM. He sounds like he has been playing you along all the time. POppy. Link to post Share on other sites
Poppy47 Posted December 20, 2015 Share Posted December 20, 2015 Next important step.... Don't let him hook you in again if he comes sniffing around. Poppy. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted December 20, 2015 Share Posted December 20, 2015 He ended it because he has no intention of leaving his wife and you recently had more expectations. I'm sorry you hurt but it actually a good thing to know. Now you can move forward knowing he really has no intention of being only with you. If/when he comes sniffing around again (and he will) don't participate. It's his way of showing you to expect less - then you end up feeling like dirt under his shoe. Just block him. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
gettingstronger Posted December 20, 2015 Share Posted December 20, 2015 No secrets there - she knows everything. I believe she is only going along with it because she doesn't want to have to support herself, she is extremely manipulative and controlling (fact - I know her personally). Takes two to stay in a marriage. Are you sure she's the manipulative one? 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author LimeBlue Posted December 29, 2015 Author Share Posted December 29, 2015 I'm struggling with this badly. We did get together to talk after he ended it and when we are together we are great. It is when we are apart that we have issues. When things go ok at home for him is when he backs off from me and becomes distant. When things are bad at home is when he talks of a future with me and how we will put it into action this year. I love him. Too much evidently. It hurts me deeply that he won't be honest and tell me where I stand, whilst continuing various outings with his wife. Link to post Share on other sites
dreamingoftigers Posted December 29, 2015 Share Posted December 29, 2015 I'm struggling with this badly. We did get together to talk after he ended it and when we are together we are great. It is when we are apart that we have issues. When things go ok at home for him is when he backs off from me and becomes distant. When things are bad at home is when he talks of a future with me and how we will put it into action this year. I love him. Too much evidently. It hurts me deeply that he won't be honest and tell me where I stand, whilst continuing various outings with his wife. Is he still contacting you and being wishy-washy? Or is this a post mortem? Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted December 29, 2015 Share Posted December 29, 2015 You are the OW. Link to post Share on other sites
ladydesigner Posted December 29, 2015 Share Posted December 29, 2015 I'm struggling with this badly. We did get together to talk after he ended it and when we are together we are great. It is when we are apart that we have issues. When things go ok at home for him is when he backs off from me and becomes distant. When things are bad at home is when he talks of a future with me and how we will put it into action this year. I love him. Too much evidently. It hurts me deeply that he won't be honest and tell me where I stand, whilst continuing various outings with his wife. Are u ended but still keeping in minimal contact or is the A still ongoing? MM usually aren't honest because they are controlling the situation so it benefits THEM most. Link to post Share on other sites
Author LimeBlue Posted December 30, 2015 Author Share Posted December 30, 2015 Is he still contacting you and being wishy-washy? Or is this a post mortem? Still in contact and have spent a lot of time together since "ending it". He pulled back over the Christmas weekend. I saw him on the Monday directly after Christmas (2 days ago) and he was very distant from me but he warmed up throughout the day. We did talk. He said he wants me to be a complete person before him and I can take this anywhere (word salad?). He also said that he needs to sort out his life without me and then once that is done he can see if I'm a part of his life. He also told me he doesn't know if he will really be trading up.... nice. Link to post Share on other sites
Author LimeBlue Posted December 30, 2015 Author Share Posted December 30, 2015 Are u ended but still keeping in minimal contact or is the A still ongoing? MM usually aren't honest because they are controlling the situation so it benefits THEM most. At this point I don't know. We did make amends but he has since gone quiet. We had plans for this coming Saturday but already he is making excuses - something he has never ever done before. He has never backed our or made excuses not to spend time with me and now suddenly he is. I wish he would just tell me the truth so I know where I stand. This is hurting me greatly. I experienced so many new things with him, have had so much fun, felt I actually started to LIVE life again. And now this. Link to post Share on other sites
pacific_vibrations Posted December 30, 2015 Share Posted December 30, 2015 At this point I don't know. We did make amends but he has since gone quiet. We had plans for this coming Saturday but already he is making excuses - something he has never ever done before. He has never backed our or made excuses not to spend time with me and now suddenly he is. I wish he would just tell me the truth so I know where I stand. This is hurting me greatly. I experienced so many new things with him, have had so much fun, felt I actually started to LIVE life again. And now this. here's my issue with this situation- the lie is actually not the question. you will never be able to know the truth just by guessing. you could rely on your intuition and common sense, but noone wants the answer they dread. the truth is that he's placed you in a situation where you have to question him and be uncomfortable and spend time analyzing HIS life instead of enjoying yours. he is sacrificing your happiness for his comfort and enjoyment. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
ladydesigner Posted December 30, 2015 Share Posted December 30, 2015 Still in contact and have spent a lot of time together since "ending it". He pulled back over the Christmas weekend. I saw him on the Monday directly after Christmas (2 days ago) and he was very distant from me but he warmed up throughout the day. We did talk. He said he wants me to be a complete person before him and I can take this anywhere (word salad?). He also said that he needs to sort out his life without me and then once that is done he can see if I'm a part of his life. He also told me he doesn't know if he will really be trading up.... nice. Grr I do not like what he said. Why is it up to him to SEE if you can be a part of his life! And doesn't know if he's trading up?!?! Give him the boot! Link to post Share on other sites
bathtub-row Posted December 30, 2015 Share Posted December 30, 2015 You're just letting him control you, even at the expense of your own self-respect. As long as you continue to do this, your life will be a roller coaster. On some level, you must be ok with that because most people would not stand for this kind of thing. If I were in this situation and MM said he wasn't sure if he was trading up or not (a not-so-veiled insult), I'd tell him that he wouldn't need to ponder that problem any longer because I was exiting his life. I know that you think you know this man but you don't. I fear that he has consumed your life and you believe you can no longer go on without him. As long as you believe that, you'll always be second in his life. I wish you would think long and hard about this instead of letting him control your destiny. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted December 30, 2015 Share Posted December 30, 2015 He's told you how he feels..but you just don't want to hear it. In his mind.. you're not better than his wife... he doesn't love you more than his wife and he's not happier with you than with his wife. Plus he'd be financially worse off if he left his wife. EVERYTHING he's said shows he wants it over. .... but doesn't necessarily have the courage to stay away from you. Right now you aren't adding anything to his life .... He's getting sex with his wife and they are having fun on trips. They are enjoying themselves as they should... you need to remove yourself from their marriage. ..or risk serious heartache for yourself. He ISN'T LEAVING her....... In all this remember you're married as well. You're pining as if you are a single woman. ... get divorced and find another man for yourself. Link to post Share on other sites
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