gettingstronger Posted November 3, 2015 Share Posted November 3, 2015 If you have an accurate read on their life than it appears they are happy to be who/what they are- affairs are part of their lives- I hope you are not a revenge affair on his part, but its possible- either way, no matter- he enjoys spending time with her, that is for sure and it bothers you- so, you have a decision-stay in this relationship for what it is knowing its not going to change or set yourself free- Link to post Share on other sites
privategal Posted November 3, 2015 Share Posted November 3, 2015 The painful thing is, many people are happy in their marriages but try to salvage what is left. When you didn't say goodbye for good and go complete NC it alowed for him to come back again and get the same excitement while still deciding to stay. Like you said, he's codependent. He isn't completely miserable as he is still planning dates. It really is clear he loves you both. Whats also clear though is you will be the ow forever because he's not going to change this comfortable set up. You gotta at least say to yourself, yes, he's exaggerating his unhappiness because he wants you to feel safe or feel he only has interest in you and is "trapped" there. He wants sex from you and emotional support and ego strokes. That doesn't have to mean he hates her or is leaving. It means he wants both and you left the door open for that to happen. Just choose, can I do this another 1, 2, 3...how many years do all you spouses share eachother before something breaks...its a heartbreaking position you have yourself in and it never ends well. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted November 4, 2015 Share Posted November 4, 2015 As much as you say he's doing nothing to show he loves you, he could say the same about you. You're still married. All this time she's been narcissistic and controlling...but she'll soon be moving into the spare room ? Do you really think someone that controlling would move into the spare room? Give up the master bedroom? He enjoys her company..he enjoys your company too...why should he divorce a woman he likes and end up with the hassle of divorce and financial stress when you'd probably be okay with continuing as things are. If you aren't willing someone else will be. He's got no kids to think about.....so unless he was so unhappy I can't see any change. Does his wife work? If he earns a lot more.. he'll have to pay her quite a bit as they've been married a while. It's too much to loose when he enjoys her company. I bet she'd be amazed to hear his description of the marriage. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
gwaimui Posted November 4, 2015 Share Posted November 4, 2015 I've heard of staying together for the kids, but staying together for the gardener is a new one to me.... From the looks of it, there are a lot of plus things in your situation...neither of you have kids, you say it is not an affair as such, but reconnecting. You are not sure if you want to leave your marriage, but your H was in the same situation a little while back, (and MM's wife was in the same situation too, but went for it and had several As)...in a way it is positive because you and your H know what it is like to be in each other's shoes, should you want to stay and rebuild your marriage. If you want out of your marriage, it is something you have to come to within yourself, don't base it on MM, because there's no guarantee he will ever leave his W, and you are worth more than someone waiting in the wings, unless that is something you are willing to do. MM hasn't left his marriage, but neither have you, so it might be a good time to think about what you really want and what you are willing to accept and not accept with either partner. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author LimeBlue Posted November 4, 2015 Author Share Posted November 4, 2015 I hope you are not a revenge affair on his part This had not occurred to me. Thank you for your brutal honesty, you have certainly given me another point to consider. It may well be the case that you are correct. Unless he leaves, I have no reason to actually believe otherwise seeing I have been through a year of back and fourth with him with nothing changing. Link to post Share on other sites
Author LimeBlue Posted November 4, 2015 Author Share Posted November 4, 2015 I have read the new replies to this thread, thank you all. It is a great help to get the view of others from an outside perspective. After reading what everyone has said here, I now can see that he probably is stringing me along. He is also VERY blind to his wifes behavior and he still views her through rose tinted glasses. He cannot see the manipulation and totally mental deranged behavior of his wife. He has not even been to see a divorce attorney to seek legal advice, yet I have so I know where I stand legally. He has yet to even take that step. If he was serious about leaving his bully wife, he would have sought legal advice by now, instead of hearsay from various random people around him. Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted November 4, 2015 Share Posted November 4, 2015 After her having 3 affairs..I would have thought leaving her would be very easy. Is this confirmed by anyone else or just him? I'm wondering why he'd pretty much make himself out to be a doormat by being in one room, while his wife has sex with the neighbour. Was he part of this? Cuckold maybe? I don't know any men who would tolerate that level of disrespect through infidelity. She's a serial cheat....she is controlling and yet he can't leave her? Has she got to beat him up before he leaves? Now..she's never worked since marriage.....so it will cost him lots of money in spousal support. He's going nowhere. If you have forgiven your husband and want to work on your marriage...I really think you should do that. Try and get the spark back...there's lots online to guide you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author LimeBlue Posted November 4, 2015 Author Share Posted November 4, 2015 After her having 3 affairs..I would have thought leaving her would be very easy. Is this confirmed by anyone else or just him? I'm wondering why he'd pretty much make himself out to be a doormat by being in one room, while his wife has sex with the neighbour. Was he part of this? Cuckold maybe? I don't know any men who would tolerate that level of disrespect through infidelity. She's a serial cheat....she is controlling and yet he can't leave her? Has she got to beat him up before he leaves? Now..she's never worked since marriage.....so it will cost him lots of money in spousal support. He's going nowhere. If you have forgiven your husband and want to work on your marriage...I really think you should do that. Try and get the spark back...there's lots online to guide you. MM only knows about one affair his wife had. When I was still friends with her, she had told me about it and he knows too. The other affair he does not know about, but I know about them. She unwittingly involved me on one occasion until I realised what was happening, and at that point I told her to never involve me again. That was the start of our friendship coming to an end. I have never told MM, I do not believe it is my place to do so. I do not want to look like the "desperate OW" who pulls all the nasties to try and get him to leave. If he finds out, it will not be from me. He takes drugs at night which make him sleep, he suffers with anxiety. She told me in detail how she would get up when he was sleeping, and meet her neighbor in the spare bedroom when he would sneak into their home. MM would not have known any difference because of the sleeping drugs he takes. Regarding beating her up - she is the type of woman who would get someone to punch her a few times and then blame her husband for it. I know for a fact MM is not that way inclined at all. But she would go that far, she would also go as far as to dream up a terminal illness in an attempt to get him to stay (MM has even told me this himself). I agree, he is not going anywhere. And now it is just becoming hurtful and I am mad at myself for letting him in again after a year apart. Yes, I need to try again with my husband but I just don't know if I can. I love him dearly, but we have been there, done that, a number of times over the years. However, try again I shall, until such time I know for certain it is over. My husband will never leave me (yes he is one of those MM "that never leave"). If my marriage ends, it will be me leaving. Link to post Share on other sites
anika99 Posted November 4, 2015 Share Posted November 4, 2015 This had not occurred to me. Thank you for your brutal honesty, you have certainly given me another point to consider. It may well be the case that you are correct. Unless he leaves, I have no reason to actually believe otherwise seeing I have been through a year of back and fourth with him with nothing changing. Actually since you used to be friends with the wife and had a falling out with her and you clearly have contempt for I thought maybe the affair with her husband started as a way for you to stick a knife in her. Link to post Share on other sites
Author LimeBlue Posted November 4, 2015 Author Share Posted November 4, 2015 Actually since you used to be friends with the wife and had a falling out with her and you clearly have contempt for I thought maybe the affair with her husband started as a way for you to stick a knife in her. No, actually it was his wife that pushed him and I together in the first place. She wanted him to become friends with me so that she was free to do her own thing. Only when things got more serious did she realise it had backfired. But from the start she kept telling us both to "run off together" and be happy. WTF? Link to post Share on other sites
ladydesigner Posted November 4, 2015 Share Posted November 4, 2015 (edited) I have read the new replies to this thread, thank you all. It is a great help to get the view of others from an outside perspective. After reading what everyone has said here, I now can see that he probably is stringing me along. He is also VERY blind to his wifes behavior and he still views her through rose tinted glasses. He cannot see the manipulation and totally mental deranged behavior of his wife. He has not even been to see a divorce attorney to seek legal advice, yet I have so I know where I stand legally. He has yet to even take that step. If he was serious about leaving his bully wife, he would have sought legal advice by now, instead of hearsay from various random people around him. Why do you focus so much on her? Edited to add: I just read one of your other posts about the wife's A. Honestly they both sound toxic. Edited November 4, 2015 by ladydesigner 1 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted November 4, 2015 Share Posted November 4, 2015 I am married, he is married. We have both been married for over 20 years. Both his marriage and my marriage are our first, neither of us have been divorced (yet). My marriage is not getting better and I am ready to leave. I am also aware that when I leave, I will have to make a clean break and be done with it because I believe this will be better for all involved (no kids thankfully, MM also has no kids). By clean break, I mean not making excuses to see my husband for any reason. MM tells me he loves me and wants to spend the rest of his life with me, yet he is doing nothing to show me this. I have told him that I no longer believe a word he says because his actions never follow through. He tells me he will prove it to me. However, he is constantly making excuses as to why he is spending so much time with his wife (who is very narcissistic and controlling). His excuse is that he does not hate her so in his view it is ok to spend time with her such as going out to dinner, going to see a show, going out for a picnic, going to movies etc. He also claims that his wife is going to move into the spare room, yet over a month later it has not happened. His excuses for not leaving are because of financial reasons, the gardener will be out of a job, and convenience. What is his game? Will he ever leave? Is he just stringing me along? Perhaps I know the answer to my last question here, but I am too thick headed to see it. What should I do? He isn't leaving his wife, ever. Men who want to divorce, do so, they make it happen. Your MM is happy enough having two women meet his needs. He loves his wife and lifestyle, they have a long history and family entwined which he doesn't want to give up. He has you on the side, meeting all his other needs so why would he give one of you up? End it with him and then divorce your husband. Or go to counseling with your husband and see if you two can salvage your relationship. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted November 4, 2015 Share Posted November 4, 2015 It appears he has no intention of making effort to leave or divorce. When a man is used to taking abuse and neglect from a wife they aren't likely to suddenly choose a new kind of gal to deal with. A kind woman would be foreign to him. Family of origin is set. He's most likely to choose another abusive, selfish woman who cheats the next time too. Since he's made no effort to change anything with her - he's likely to stay and just keep you on the side...as long as you play that part. Link to post Share on other sites
Bluebelle38 Posted November 4, 2015 Share Posted November 4, 2015 The guy is not in denial about his wife. He knows exactly what she is like and he does not care. Her bad behaviour is the excuse he needs to make to himself to excuse his own ****ty behaviour. He isn't leaving his cushy life for you. If he wanted you, he would not be dragging his feet. In time you will see him for the weak, lying little scumbag he really is. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
TexasMan68 Posted November 4, 2015 Share Posted November 4, 2015 He's lying to you just like he's lying to his wife when he tells her he loves her. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
pteromom Posted November 4, 2015 Share Posted November 4, 2015 You are wasting your time with him. Even if by some miracle he leaves, you are then stuck with a wishy-washy, anxiety-ridden, lying, manipulating cheater. I would hardly call that a win! The decision you need to be making is about your own marriage. Whether to try one last time, or walk away. If you decide to try, you need to end the affair and give it all you have. If it doesn't work, it will end with you knowing you did your best. If you decide to walk away, you should move into your own place. Don't even think about a relationship with MM. If he divorces and gets some therapy and decides to come find you, he can do that later. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted November 5, 2015 Share Posted November 5, 2015 Since it appears he's not leaving what do you plan to do now? Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted November 6, 2015 Share Posted November 6, 2015 I have read the new replies to this thread, thank you all. It is a great help to get the view of others from an outside perspective. After reading what everyone has said here, I now can see that he probably is stringing me along. He is also VERY blind to his wifes behavior and he still views her through rose tinted glasses. He cannot see the manipulation and totally mental deranged behavior of his wife. Their marriage and dynamic isn't going to change. It's all he (and she) know. He may be unhappy and vent about it, have an affair but he obviously loves her and their drama/dynamic and isn't ready to walk away from it all, or her. He has not even been to see a divorce attorney to seek legal advice, yet I have so I know where I stand legally. He has yet to even take that step. If he was serious about leaving his bully wife, he would have sought legal advice by now, instead of hearsay from various random people around him. Yup, you're right, if he wanted to file for D he would. He hasn't and that says a lot. Link to post Share on other sites
Author LimeBlue Posted November 6, 2015 Author Share Posted November 6, 2015 I hope there are other people reading this thread and learning from it. Already I am being discarded by him as I have barely heard a word from him all week. This is probably because I have been probing him about vital decisions which need to be made IF he was true with his words about how serious he is about me, and how much he wants to prove to me that he wants to spend his life with me. But alas, he cannot even cope with dealing with answering pertinent questions regarding his words (no actions), how he will ever cope with the strain of a divorce is beyond me. Even if he were to file for divorce I am doubtful he would follow through and it would be highly likely he would go back to his wife essentially leaving me high and dry. Thankfully I have a good head on my shoulders regarding finances, where I stand legally, and what I am and am not willing to compromise on. He earns a good salary and is fair with money, but trying to get money out of me would be like getting blood out of a stone anyway. My point is - is besides my heart and emotions, I have given up nothing for this man and for that I am glad. I have not sold myself short. I have read numerous threads where women have given up all they own and their money for a MM, only to land up with nothing which compounds the trauma of everything. All of you are correct - he will not be leaving his wife. Already he is flirting with someone else which will probably become my replacement. You see, it is easier to hook a new one in, it is less 'serious' than having me ask serious questions about the future (even after he promised me a future). Now I need to come to terms with his lies and the hurt of thinking about him with his wife, having what I did want. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
lemondrop21 Posted November 8, 2015 Share Posted November 8, 2015 "The gardener would be out of a job." LMAO. Wow. I'm sorry hun but I don't think he's leaving. Best of luck working through your own divorce though, and if you've already found the strength to go through with it, then please keep going regardless of what MM does. Sending you hugs. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author LimeBlue Posted November 12, 2015 Author Share Posted November 12, 2015 Update: He is going away with his wife over the holidays to the same place I have always wanted to visit with him. They have been there before, I haven't, but this hurts like hell. All this going on whilst he promises he wants to prove to me how he feels about me? He is future faking, I do not see this as anything else. I feel foolish for being ready to give up all I have, whilst he is busy making holiday arrangements with his wife for the festive season. Link to post Share on other sites
Adoraxx Posted November 12, 2015 Share Posted November 12, 2015 He's such a liar, @LimeBlue!!! unbelievable 2 Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted November 12, 2015 Share Posted November 12, 2015 He's not worth the headache. He's staying where he wants to and you'd be best cutting him out of your life on every level. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Savannah2 Posted November 12, 2015 Share Posted November 12, 2015 lime, my Xmm and yours are definitely cut from the same mold. He says and does the exact same thing to me. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
ladydesigner Posted November 13, 2015 Share Posted November 13, 2015 Update: He is going away with his wife over the holidays to the same place I have always wanted to visit with him. They have been there before, I haven't, but this hurts like hell. All this going on whilst he promises he wants to prove to me how he feels about me? He is future faking, I do not see this as anything else. I feel foolish for being ready to give up all I have, whilst he is busy making holiday arrangements with his wife for the festive season. Then stop! (((LimeBlue))) I really despise some of these MM 3 Link to post Share on other sites
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