Need maintaining NC. Her sadness and my guilt is killing me.

[ShatteredLady]

Have you, would you, share this post with your wife & discuss it? If not, why?

 

How long have you been married for? Children? First affair? The answers make a lot of difference.

 

Sorry if I missed the answer.... How did your W discover your A?

[wmacbride]

Sandy, yes I have. The reason I haven't mentioned about her is because I'm here for her. We cry and feel all the pain together. It's not because I don't care about her.

 

.

 

you do not feel the pan your W feels. there is no way that you do. you have stabbed her in both the heart and back, stomped on her face and ground her into the dirt under your heel, and now she has to deal with you trying to console one of the two people who did that to her?

 

Think about that for a minute.

 

btw, you mentioned that your ow found you online. What does this mean? were you online looking for something outside your M, or did she find you in some other way?

 

Your ow sounds like the type of person that feeds on drama and histrionics, which is why she keeps coming back. Every time you read her social media posts or have some other for of contact, you are "feeding the beast" (her need for attention).

[bathtub-row]

Yes I did. Still, my action affected her life for the moment. While she still hurts, it's hard to just pretend and move on. For the moment, just have to repeat in my head that it's the only solution to move forward, and let time heal for everyone.

 

This may or may not be true. I think it would depend on how you ended things with the OW. You are right that your actions are part of why the OW is hurting the way she is and I can see why her pain haunts you.

 

If things ended badly between you and the OW, then I think there should be contact and closure. However, if things ended in a kind way, if you explained that no matter how much you love her, you're not leaving your marriage, then you've done all you could. The OW needs to accept your decision and she needs to stop trying to bait you with her cries for help. There's only so much you can do. But you have, per se, abandoned her by the choice you made. There's simply no getting around that. And your wife would be rightfully wounded by you continuing any kind of relationship with the OW. This is why affairs are so bad. The man typically won't leave his marriage and the OW often ends up torn up inside, unable to trust or believe in love ever again. The price is very, very high.

[wmacbride]

Yes I did. Still, my action affected her life for the moment. While she still hurts, it's hard to just pretend and move on. For the moment, just have to repeat in my head that it's the only solution to move forward, and let time heal for everyone.

 

I will correct your statement for you " HER actions affected HER life". Until she squares up with that notion, none can help her heal. As long as her pain is everyone else's fault, she won't get any better.

[ShatteredLady]

You refer to her as "this girl...". How old is she & how old are you & your wife?

[clam]

Have you ever actually met the OW in person?

[sandylee1]

Yes I posted there but the thread was moved here. And like I said, my concern and the issue with my wife is taken cared of so it's why I didn't bring her in. It doesn't mean I have no remorse, I don't care, didn't do anything, ect. It was just not the topic. I just didn't go into all the things we did and how she felt and how I feel about her, ect. Thanks again for your input. Maybe it's good to get yelled at anyway as I know I deserve it.

 

Yes...I just noticed it was moved.

 

I'm trying to be supportive while getting you to see the reality of things. I know it's hard to hear at times, but stick with it....please.

 

It takes two to tango. She knew you were married and sought you out...you were flattered and accepted the ego strokes. There's one thing that gets my goat and it's the OW acting like a victim of the predatory MM. If she's hurting she has no one to blame but herself.

 

NC is all I can suggest. Perhaps you can seek IC to help you. Time heals. When I've come out of certain relationships.....time and NC is the only way.

 

But think about this......a woman who seeks out a MM and engages in an affair - is not a good person. From what you say, this affair wouldn't have happened if she didn't approach you. You're a public figure and she knew her actions were inappropriate. She had no respect for your marriage....that's not good.

 

In everything we do...The consequences are worth bearing in mind. Always think of the worse case scenario if you get found out. You say you're a public figure?....what would this affair do for your reputation? Forget the OW and think about how things could turn out nasty for you...when you do this sort of thing.

 

You may have children....grown up ones? How would they feel if they knew about this? Your friends and other family members too?

If you focus on the important people in your life.....the OW will become a distant memory that never should have been.

 

Distraction is very good in these situations....if you put all your efforts back into your marriage, then it'll be easier to forget the OW. If all your energy is focused where it should be.......you won't have time to think about her.......You'll realise the affair was fantasy ......where you both made each other feel good....That's so easy to do online.....it's not real life.

[waterwoman]

There is nothing anyone can say that will help. I can tell you that anyone who has a relationship with a married person is simply asking for trouble - you will say but I can't stand to think of her hurting. I can tell you that what matters most is your wife - you will say but I can't stand to think of her hurting. You feel what you feel....

 

However I will say this - if your wife realised just how much you were pining over the OW and not doing anything to stop this train of thought, her pain would be be far far greater - like finding out about the affair all over again but worse because you have already witnessed her pain and didn't stop. You can stop thinking about the OW, just like people stop smoking - but right now you are getting more from thinking of her than you are from stopping it.

 

OW is a grown woman and made her own choices. Leave her to heal in the best way she can. You have a more important job to do.

[privategal]

Sometimes you need to be "cruel to be kind" hence the continued NC trusting that as a grown adult woman she will too see the errorr in her ways and heal realizing she was 50% of the affair.

You should protect what you see of hers by blocking her facebook.

If you are able to send a final apology and closure with an emphasis that you love your wife and want to do whats best but reiterating you are sorry for her pain, then do so.

Whatever will help you move on.

Remember that EA is an addiction so you are bith going through withdrawal.

You've got to keep her ways of communications with you blocked to move on.

[Sassy Girl]

Ever think ow isn't as poorly done by as you think? She targeted a public figure online. She's pulled out all the stops to snare you. Do you think she was looking to win herself a successful man who is a public figure to boot?

 

Ever think she was using you, not the other way around?

[ladydesigner]

I'm the MM. It's been a month now of NC, the longest ever and she's falling apart from what I see indirectly. I feel so guilty. I care so much about her that it hurts so bad that I want to reach out and comfort her. Before I get scolded, know that there's no reason for me to lie here. A brief:

 

I'm a public figure and she found me online. We got along really fast communicating. I did not have the intention to fall for her. I'm not happy with my marriage but I love my wife dearly. This girl grew up seeing marriage is not sacred. To her, people move on if they are not happy in their marriages. It's simple. I told her how I feel I'm wrong. She always told me no no....nothing wrong in what you do and never let people tell you it's wrong to love. For me, it's much more than that. There's responsibilities, families on both sides, job, location, and so much more. I never lied to her and made any promises. However, I did expressed my feelings for her, which in turn....gave hopes to her. To her, feelings = happy ending regardless of a person's status. The ideal that love conquers all. I will choose duty and all else over passion. Yet, it's in us that we must love and find love so I found comfort in her and she found it in me. My wife discovered the situation and it nearly destroyed her even though there were never physical contact. She will never have the strength to leave me so instead she got very sick for awhile. As for me, I was getting sick too over the situation, lacking sleep and worrying about everyone. Believe me, it wasn't fun. I really cared for this girl. Even through my own problems, I answered to her, be there for her. She asked me not to leave her. I saw the hurt and the tears and tried to talk her out of it. Sometimes her hurt will get us into an argument. I thought...great she hates me. It's a chance. Yet, she will come back and apologize over and over again. One day used to be hard. Then it graduated to several days of NC. That was hard. Now this time, we have reached NC for a month. I feel it's over until I saw all the posts from others. It worries me.

 

I do love her and as much as I'm hurt and miss her dearly, I've always wanted what's best for her, look after her well being. Believe when I say that I want to break NC, it's not for me. I've seen enough tears and hurt to know it's best for her. When we were together, it was always hard and we always talk about my situation and argue. No matter how much I miss her, I won't hurt her anymore. Yet, I see her activities and she's falling apart. There are indirect messages she sends for me and it's a cry for me to reach out and help her, contact her. Every week, I see she's having more and more hurt. I know the right thing to do...."NC". Time will heal. I can cry and drown myself in alcohol, but I can't take knowing she's hurt. I deeply care. I feel so guilty. I was her friend and much more for a long time. Always there to help with everything. Now I ignore her? I feel so guilty. NC....yes...I kept my part every time we separated so she will break it. This time, she hasn't yet. I hope it keeps up and time can heal. Meanwhile, I'm dying in the inside caring about her well being . I need to hear from others besides myself. I'm tired of my own reasoning for everything. I've been reading about OW as therapy. It helps me to know it's the right thing but seeing how OW hurts here, made it worst .

 

Um haven't read through this thread, but had a reallllllllllllllly hard time reading past the part that you are more worried about your AP falling apart than your wife. Seems to be a bit unbalanced eh?

 

You honestly should feel bad for tearing up two women's lives IMHO.

[Dylon]

Lots of angry people on this forum. This forum should be called "post here for some lashing" for therapy. It's a forum so I can't possibly tell you every thing that went on. Just because I didn't write a book on my remorse doesn't mean it didn't happen. If I tell you that my wife is happier than before all this happened, you wouldn't believe me anyway. We've done a lot. People don't go on forum talking about what's well and fixed so no need to write a boring story. Wasn't the topic.

 

Thanks to those that address my concerns. Everyone is human with hurt and emotions and of course we always try to do our best to correct our mistakes. I came to read others' problems to learn and understand and it helped to talk too, a form of therapy. We all know the answers to our own questions and emotions most of the time. We just need to get it out in the open.

 

Just a side note, I'm not a "public" figure in that sense, just someone you can hunt down and I had traits that she likes in a man, and then a friendship that went too deep. Anyway, it ended. There was closer as we have went through this many times. Nothing esle to add. I see her hurt indirectly and I will try to ignore. Thanks for all your inputs.

[ladydesigner]

Lots of angry people on this forum. This forum should be called "post here for some lashing" for therapy. It's a forum so I can't possibly tell you every thing that went on. Just because I didn't write a book on my remorse doesn't mean it didn't happen. If I tell you that my wife is happier than before all this happened, you wouldn't believe me anyway. We've done a lot. People don't go on forum talking about what's well and fixed so no need to write a boring story. Wasn't the topic.

 

Thanks to those that address my concerns. Everyone is human with hurt and emotions and of course we always try to do our best to correct our mistakes. I came to read others' problems to learn and understand and it helped to talk too, a form of therapy. We all know the answers to our own questions and emotions most of the time. We just need to get it out in the open.

 

Just a side note, I'm not a "public" figure in that sense, just someone you can hunt down and I had traits that she likes in a man, and then a friendship that went too deep. Anyway, it ended. There was closer as we have went through this many times. Nothing esle to add. I see her hurt indirectly and I will try to ignore. Thanks for all your inputs.

 

Well the reason there are a lot of angry people here is because there are a lot of betrayed people and when we hear a WS come into the infidelity forum whining about their AP it really doesn't bode well, kinda like if you asked your family members what they thought of your concern for OW, what might they say?

[wmacbride]

Lots of angry people on this forum. This forum should be called "post here for some lashing" for therapy. It's a forum so I can't possibly tell you every thing that went on. Just because I didn't write a book on my remorse doesn't mean it didn't happen. If I tell you that my wife is happier than before all this happened, you wouldn't believe me anyway. We've done a lot. People don't go on forum talking about what's well and fixed so no need to write a boring story. Wasn't the topic.

 

Thanks to those that address my concerns. Everyone is human with hurt and emotions and of course we always try to do our best to correct our mistakes. I came to read others' problems to learn and understand and it helped to talk too, a form of therapy. We all know the answers to our own questions and emotions most of the time. We just need to get it out in the open.

 

Just a side note, I'm not a "public" figure in that sense, just someone you can hunt down and I had traits that she likes in a man, and then a friendship that went too deep. Anyway, it ended. There was closer as we have went through this many times. Nothing esle to add. I see her hurt indirectly and I will try to ignore. Thanks for all your inputs.

 

She is no wounded deer caught in the headlights. She went looking for a married man who checked off all of her boxes and that was you.

 

If you don't believe this happens, read in the ow/om section and see the stories of women who want to find mm. It may well open your eyes.

 

My H had an A with someone like that. He ( and then me) felt bad for her after it ended as she acted as if she was devastated. He felt guilty and I saw a person who seemed wounded so how could I not help? Her devestation lasted as long as it took her to find another mm. I still kick myself for having wasted my pity and mental space on her.

[Dylon]

He felt guilty and I saw a person who seemed wounded so how could I not help?

 

That's very strong and compassionate of you. Very impressive. Don't regret it because you did what you heart felt was right. The hurt is/was real regardless of the wrong doing in the OW part. Some women like to find men that are already finished with dating and have established themselves. They are viewed as safe. They see the outcome, that checklist as you've said. I've advised her to find someone to grow with in every regard as soon as I realized that she wanted to win me over and leave my wife. Now she realizes how hard that is and will not have another thought of a married man. I know she will be fine and will get over it. When she does, my guilt and hurt will subside. She's not someone to be sorry for because she probably can get any man she wants. For the moment, she just doesn't see how it's possible to move on.

 

Reading OW, OM, forum helps and doesn't help. The doesn't help part is seeing how hurt they are. It's why this thread was posted in that forum to start before it was moved here. Here you get lashes from the angry BS. I know my wife better than I know the OW so I rather get the lashing from the OW if that makes any sense. I thought it was better therapy to hear from them.

 

Thank you all for your words.

[turnera]

If you have chosen your marriage then the hurt feelings of the OW are not your problem.

This is all that needs to be said in your thread.

 

Either you have chosen your marriage or not.

 

Man up and make a choice.

[yodelwithyu]

Hey Dylon, I am not sure you saw my reply to your post on my thread, so I just wanted to stop by here and tell you thank you for your message.

 

I know that you have gotten a lot of bashing here, but I just wanted to tell you that I think you showing you are human and caring about someone you were involved with, even if she was the OW, means a lot to people like me. I don't mean any offense to anyone.

[Dylon]

Hey Dylon, I am not sure you saw my reply to your post on my thread, so I just wanted to stop by here and tell you thank you for your message.

 

Thanks. I know we all come from different direction as strangers and we are all here to talk and get through things. Reading others here and talking about their problems and mine have really help me. I still worry if she's ok and of course I miss her too. She will be fine in the long run and I will too. Just keep reading and posting!

[bathtub-row]

Thanks. I know we all come from different direction as strangers and we are all here to talk and get through things. Reading others here and talking about their problems and mine have really help me. I still worry if she's ok and of course I miss her too. She will be fine in the long run and I will too. Just keep reading and posting!

 

I just think there should be closure between the two of you. If you feel that has happened, then there's not much else you can do.

[Mr Blunt]

By Dylon

To her, feelings = happy ending regardless of a person's status. The ideal that love conquers all. I will choose duty and all else over passion. Yet, it's in us that we must love and find love so I found comfort in her and she found it in me.

 

Your OW, the one that you are having an emotional infidelity with, sees feelings as something that conquers all. Do you not see that as dangerous?

 

 

She has the idea that “…love conquers all” Dylan, do you not realize that she and you have violated love? You have dishonored your wife, it is not kind to cheat on your wife, and you have not protected or preserved your wife’s well-being. You emotionally cheated on your wife to satisfy your selfishness.

 

 

You think that it is an acceptable excuse to cheat when you say “I am not happy in my marriage”?

From what you have written so far your wife has done nothing for you to treat her the way you have treated her.

 

I said that you choose duty over passion. It is your duty to stop your idealized teen age fantasy about the OW that cares very little for your wife. Do you really think that IF YOU LIVED WITH THIS SILLY WOMAN FOR AS MANY YEARS AS YOU HAVE YOUR WIFE THAT YOUR TEENAGE FEELINGS AND PASSION WOULD BE WHAT YOU SAY IT IS NOW? It is easy to get all worked up with feelings when you do not have to live in reality with your fantasy.

 

 

You tell us that the OW has sadness and it is killing you. The truth is that the OW is sad that she cannot steal you away from your wife because the OW thinks that you will keep her “feelings” at a positive level all the time; such childish thinking! Do you think that you can do that?

 

 

You have allowed yourself to get trapped with your inappropriate passion for a fantasy. You having a desire for this OW is perverted love that feeds off of feelings that violate real Love.

 

 

I know that we cannot convince you that the feelings that you have for the OW and the feelings she has for you is shallow and damaging to you both as well as your wife. If you cop-out and go to be with this OW will you come back in a year or so and post the truth about what those feelings did for you two?

[Dylon]

Your OW, the one that you are having an emotional infidelity with, sees feelings as something that conquers all. Do you not see that as dangerous?

 

Yes.

 

 

Do you really think that IF YOU LIVED WITH THIS SILLY WOMAN FOR AS MANY YEARS AS YOU HAVE YOUR WIFE THAT YOUR TEENAGE FEELINGS AND PASSION WOULD BE WHAT YOU SAY IT IS NOW?

 

Never said, planned, or promised. Never wanted to.

 

You tell us that the OW has sadness and it is killing you. The truth is that the OW is sad that she cannot steal you away from your wife because the OW thinks that you will keep her “feelings” at a positive level all the time

 

True.

 

I know that we cannot convince you that the feelings that you have for the OW and the feelings she has for you is shallow and damaging to you both as well as your wife.

 

That's not true. I was convinced of that long ago and don't really need convincing. That's why the lashing does nothing for me because I've already done that to myself. Of course it's a paradox. I care about this person once or still do, as a friend and more. In time, it will disappear without reinforcement of the connection. Hence, the time of healing.

 

We both had selfish motives in the A, to meet our emotional needs, but I'm not anymore. I've let her go. What this thread is about is the difficutly of stop caring for another person, someone at one point relied on your emotional support for a long time. That's it, we all know the morality of the situation. False love, fantasy, who cares! I buy all that. Still, that was a human being we connected with in the A. Deja vu. I told her that and it's what she told me, "I'm a real person with feelings you spent time with". Thanks for your comment.

[Dylon]

I just think there should be closure between the two of you. If you feel that has happened, then there's not much else you can do.

 

We did many times with nice but hurtful goodbyes and they never really worked. Our last exchange was like no other arguments and I changed my avaiable time for 2 weeks. She never wrote to me like in the past so I know she wanted to give it a try again. I know she did try to call me once after a week, but I wasn't available. I think going on the 2nd month now, it's clear. I know she's not upset and I'm not either so it's the best closure we can have. Thanks.

[Mr Blunt]

By Dylon

What this thread is about is the difficultly of stop caring for another person, someone at one point relied on your emotional support for a long time

Will it help you to stop caring if you are reminded of the truths below?

 

1 Her thinking that feelings = happy endings which is dangerous and teenage thinking

 

 

2 Your affair partner willingly hurt your wife and helped you to violate real love

 

 

3 Your affair partner wants you for what you can do for her. She expects you to keep her “feelings” at a positive level all the time.

 

 

4 Your affair partner does not have the foundation for real love. She will willingly and knowingly violate trust and hurt your wife for her selfish desires.

 

 

5 Your affair partner does not know, understand, or wants to ignore real love

 

 

6 Your affair partner helped you to be in the miserable condition that you are in and kept trying to contact you against your decsion. Who is she caring about in that?

 

 

7 You say that you choose duty over passion but she is the opposite. Do you want to care for a woman that has such a difference in such an important area?

By Dylon

“…we all know the morality of the situation. False love, fantasy, who cares!

”

Obviously your affair partner does not care. Does that help you not care about a person that has twisted morality?

[wmacbride]

That's very strong and compassionate of you. Very impressive. Don't regret it because you did what you heart felt was right. The hurt is/was real regardless of the wrong doing in the OW part. Some women like to find men that are already finished with dating and have established themselves. They are viewed as safe. They see the outcome, that checklist as you've said. I've advised her to find someone to grow with in every regard as soon as I realized that she wanted to win me over and leave my wife. Now she realizes how hard that is and will not have another thought of a married man. I know she will be fine and will get over it. When she does, my guilt and hurt will subside. She's not someone to be sorry for because she probably can get any man she wants. For the moment, she just doesn't see how it's possible to move on.

 

Reading OW, OM, forum helps and doesn't help. The doesn't help part is seeing how hurt they are. It's why this thread was posted in that forum to start before it was moved here. Here you get lashes from the angry BS. I know my wife better than I know the OW so I rather get the lashing from the OW if that makes any sense. I thought it was better therapy to hear from them.

 

Thank you all for your words.

 

All my compassion to her did was get me kicked in the teeth. she stalked me and my children, ad worked hard to make trouble for me, so much so that I had to call the police to make her go away.

 

In the end, for all her ploys for pity, she was doing just fine. She didn't realize that I found out from mutual friends that while she was crying to me about how I had hurt her and she was feeling so bad, when she wasn't talking to me, she was acting just fine and was seeing another mm.

 

I found out that there are some people in the world who are just a hot mess, and there is nothing you can do to help them.

 

Regardless of your ex ow mental state, you have to accept that you can't help her now. She needs to do that for herself, and by remaining there for her in any capacity, you are preventing her form being able to move on.

 

btw, she is not the same as an ow who never intended to get into an A. She went looking for one, and that is apples and oranges.

[Dylon]

Well, I had another D-day because of my useless effort to ease things off. So I haven't updated in a few months, basically it was a few months of arguments and trying to get rid of each other. The OW would go insane on me, then apologize, repeat. It was one hell of a roller coaster ride and we were normal like before sometimes too. During this period and eating all the guilt from what I'm doing, I've fallen into depression, I think. I feel mentally not well anymore.

 

D-day. I left my account open and my wife saw the messages and all hell broke loose. She called the OW, later they exchanged quite some nasty words, both accusing each other of things. It was crazy and I told my wife she needs to stop and focus on me and give it to me. I told the OW the same thing. It's my fault and just stop it. I blocked the OW. She emailed me, mad as hell with unbelievable words. I'm not upset at her because I know she's hurting. I feel like I still need to leave the email open for her to vent. However, I'm working very hard to ignore her because after all this time of trying to ease it off, I'm convinced, it's not possible.

 

On the home front, I'm dealing with a mess. I don't ask my wife for forgiveness because I know it's ridiculous to expect it. I try but don't expect. It's too bad because it was really over with the OW and I've spent weeks just taking the OW anger in. However, my wife saw too many of the old hurtful messages. She's in such disbelief. Is my marriage over? Most likely not. I asked that we seek counseling. She said I'm the one that has a problem and need help. It's fine because I really do need help; I'm really not well anymore, the pain, hurt, and guilt ate me alive for too long.

 

At the same time, I never love my wife more than now and more than any other time. She said some really nasty things to me during this ordeal that I think normal husband would not accept. Of course the OW did too. I deserve all the words so I will take it.

 

Lesson: OW in this situation might hold themselves back out of pride, ego, and stay quite even without promises from the MM. They might say they have no right, don't ask for more, or understand. However, you stick around, feelings grow, expectation grows, and you are accountable as if you promised to leave your wife for her. When the time comes, all the emotions will break out. And you, the MM, is responsible, whether there were promises, clear, or not. You need to deal with the downfall. I never met this person so you can see how expectation can grow regardless.

 

Lesson 2: this whole thread was pointless and I should have just eat the guilt. I couldn't. So don't cheat unless you can handle it. I couldn't.

 

I will seek emotional help and support now, or I will go insane. Anyone can recommend the path to take with that? I don't know where to start. I was thinking of going to my doctor first and get referrals.