Need maintaining NC. Her sadness and my guilt is killing me.

[Dylon]

I'm the MM. It's been a month now of NC, the longest ever and she's falling apart from what I see indirectly. I feel so guilty. I care so much about her that it hurts so bad that I want to reach out and comfort her. Before I get scolded, know that there's no reason for me to lie here. A brief:

 

I'm a public figure and she found me online. We got along really fast communicating. I did not have the intention to fall for her. I'm not happy with my marriage but I love my wife dearly. This girl grew up seeing marriage is not sacred. To her, people move on if they are not happy in their marriages. It's simple. I told her how I feel I'm wrong. She always told me no no....nothing wrong in what you do and never let people tell you it's wrong to love. For me, it's much more than that. There's responsibilities, families on both sides, job, location, and so much more. I never lied to her and made any promises. However, I did expressed my feelings for her, which in turn....gave hopes to her. To her, feelings = happy ending regardless of a person's status. The ideal that love conquers all. I will choose duty and all else over passion. Yet, it's in us that we must love and find love so I found comfort in her and she found it in me. My wife discovered the situation and it nearly destroyed her even though there were never physical contact. She will never have the strength to leave me so instead she got very sick for awhile. As for me, I was getting sick too over the situation, lacking sleep and worrying about everyone. Believe me, it wasn't fun. I really cared for this girl. Even through my own problems, I answered to her, be there for her. She asked me not to leave her. I saw the hurt and the tears and tried to talk her out of it. Sometimes her hurt will get us into an argument. I thought...great she hates me. It's a chance. Yet, she will come back and apologize over and over again. One day used to be hard. Then it graduated to several days of NC. That was hard. Now this time, we have reached NC for a month. I feel it's over until I saw all the posts from others. It worries me.

 

I do love her and as much as I'm hurt and miss her dearly, I've always wanted what's best for her, look after her well being. Believe when I say that I want to break NC, it's not for me. I've seen enough tears and hurt to know it's best for her. When we were together, it was always hard and we always talk about my situation and argue. No matter how much I miss her, I won't hurt her anymore. Yet, I see her activities and she's falling apart. There are indirect messages she sends for me and it's a cry for me to reach out and help her, contact her. Every week, I see she's having more and more hurt. I know the right thing to do...."NC". Time will heal. I can cry and drown myself in alcohol, but I can't take knowing she's hurt. I deeply care. I feel so guilty. I was her friend and much more for a long time. Always there to help with everything. Now I ignore her? I feel so guilty. NC....yes...I kept my part every time we separated so she will break it. This time, she hasn't yet. I hope it keeps up and time can heal. Meanwhile, I'm dying in the inside caring about her well being . I need to hear from others besides myself. I'm tired of my own reasoning for everything. I've been reading about OW as therapy. It helps me to know it's the right thing but seeing how OW hurts here, made it worst .

[minimariah]

if i understood well -- this relationship was an online one? you've never met the OW in real life?

 

make a list for all the reasons your relationship with her is impossible & why you need to mantain the NC and read it over and over again when in times of doubt.

 

NC means breaking off ALL CONTACT. i know you care for her but you have to "push" that worry out of your mind -- she isn't your concern anymore. of you keep worrying for her - that will always drag you back in.

 

so focus on your wife and working on your marriage instead.

[Dylon]

Thank you. Yes, online. I've felt too many tears and we both go hurting for so long over time. There's the urge to reach out as a habit. It's very difficult. I remind myself as you've said: keep on repeating horrible situation for her, for me, for my wife and family. Most days, I spend doing that....reminding myself the hurt I've caused for everyone and to comfort her is to hurt more rather than less. But I can't get out of my head "please never leave me, be here for me, I need you" .

[sweet_pea]

Get a divorce so your wife can be with a man who ACTUALLY loves her and treats her right- not just says it and does the opposite and destroys her. Along with that, the divorce will allow you to reach out to the OW and you can continue to be her Knight in Shining Armor! It's a win-win for everyone.

[Dylon]

I know what she's thinking. "That's it? You don't care about me anymore? Even though I've said many times it's best for her, she needs that comfort, to know that I still care and think of her. I have an urge to send her an indirect message publicly as she has to me, just to give her comfort while keeping the NC. She puts these quotes online, clearing messages for me, a cry for help. It's hard to resist. It's not NC....I know.

 

Reminder to self: a false step brings everything back!

[Dylon]

She rather die than to divorce me. We do love each other.

[sweet_pea]

She rather die than to divorce me. We do love each other.

 

I don't doubt that she loves you, but you don't love her. That much is clear by your actions and priorities right now. Unless you mean love as in "friend" love.

 

So, my advice still stands. Divorce her so she's free to find someone to love her the right way, and you can go be with the OW who you love. I doubt that she would rather die than to divorce you- especially since you cheated on her. Are you sure you aren't just talking yourself up a bit much? Or, maybe you two need to come to an agreement where you can be with OW while still married, and she can be with another man while still married?

[Dylon]

My wife and I been through this so I know what I'm talking about. We both were sick for a long time as a result. I never planned to leave my wife and I never said otherwise to anyone or hint to the OW. Besides, my purpose in this post is to talk about NC with the OW, not to decide on leaving my family, ect, for someone I've never met. Nor is it about my wrong doings which believe me, I spent a year being very critical of myself, so much that I'm here reading all the OW posts so I can really really hate myself for what I allowed happened. Thanks for your contribution.

[anika99]

If you have chosen your marriage then the hurt feelings of the OW are not your problem. The OW is no victim here. She pursued this relationship knowing full well you were married. By your own words she had no respect for marriage. When you expressed guilt or talked about it being wrong she overcame your objections and coerced you into continuing. Oh i'm sure you were just as willing and it likely didn't take much coercing to keep you involved but the fact remains that if she had any respect for you or your marriage she would not have tried so hard to keep it all going. She is no victim, she is just paying the consequences of her own questionable decisions and behavior. She will be fine.

 

If you want your marriage then you must go full no contact and no contact means you don't hang around online to see what she is writing. If you wish to continue pining and crying over the other woman while seeking out the sad messages she is writing online in the hopes of manipulating you into contacting her then please just get a divorce. That way your wife will be free to find a real living breathing man who wishes to live real life with her and you will be free to continue your Romeo and Juliet online affair. Seriously it sounds like you are using this time in no contact as a means to over romanticize the affair, even more than you have already. "Oh my beloved is suffering alone as I must honor my commitment to my wife, oh why must life be so cruel!!" Please, if you and your OW are in so much pain just get a divorce and go be with her, otherwise smarten up and start being a husband to the woman you married and who also happens to actually exist in your daily life

[sandylee1]

Put aside what your wife wants for a moment....what do YOU want?

 

There's also a lot of guilt about the OW....but very little about your wife..........The one you vowed fidelity to. Instead you say she went and got herself sick. ...like it was deliberate.......do you think that's fair?

 

You've read a lot about how OWs feel .....but have you read anything about how a betrayed spouse feels? I'd guess at the answer being No.

 

You say you love your wife...but what comes across is that you are still with her out of duty. There's nothing from your post that shows remorse for your EA, nothing that shows any feelings you have for your wife.....All your caring is for the OW.

 

Can you try and put yourself in your wife's position and imagine how YOU would feel if the boot was on the other foot.....and she was pining for another man, but staying with you out of 'duty'.

 

You say she'd rather die than leave you....have you told her that you have so much passion for the OW and that you keep thinking about her and that you are staying out of duty?

 

Whilst you say that you love her.....I'm wondering if it's more a habit and comfort of the known rather than the unknown.

 

Have you actually done anything that shows remorse to your wife or is it all about you and the OW?

[Dylon]

Can you try and put yourself in your wife's position and imagine how YOU would feel if the boot was on the other foot.

 

Sandy, yes I have. The reason I haven't mentioned about her is because I'm here for her. We cry and feel all the pain together. It's not because I don't care about her.

 

You say she'd rather die than leave you....have you told her that you have so much passion for the OW and that you keep thinking about her and that you are staying out of duty?

 

Well, as many have said, it's like a fantasy right so I understand the psychology behind it? Even though I didn't say that, it already crushed her. She's not up to it. I've seen what she can do when she's hurt and it scares me.

[Dylon]

Anika, thanks for the hit from all sides.

[sandylee1]

Sandy, yes I have. The reason I haven't mentioned about her is because I'm here for her. We cry and feel all the pain together. It's not because I don't care about her.

 

 

 

Well, as many have said, it's like a fantasy right so I understand the psychology behind it? Even though I didn't say that, it already crushed her. She's not up to it. I've seen what she can do when she's hurt and it scares me.

 

Apart from crying together...what are you doing to show remorse? And what are you crying about? The loss of OW? or the pain your wife is suffering?

 

Have you looked into things a wayward spouse should do? That's what you need to focus on to rebuild the trust and try and have a better marriage.

 

You started off saying your marriage isn't so good...what are you both doing about that?

[Dylon]

Apart from crying together...what are you doing to show remorse? And what are you crying about? The loss of OW? or the pain your wife is suffering?

 

Sandy, you sound angry for my action which I understand. I'm too. My wife is well and she is much happier now. I've done a lot and we are ok. That's a different story. Thanks.

 

My OP is about my concern for the OW. Of course the conclusion is obvious, NC. And also that I shouldn't feel anything for her. I understand. I feel the guilt and the hurt she feels and I feel obligated too. It's why the OP and need to talk about it.

[Sandy43]

I highly doubt your wife is ok snd happy, your priorities are all screwed up. Your only loyalty should be to your wife, the woman you took vows with. Your AP's feelings should be none of your concern she is owed nothing. She sought you out online and and entered into an EA, she knew full well what she was getting into when she began targeting a married man.

[Dancewithme]

You have no obligation to OW, your only obligation is to your wife. The one you claim to love, the one you made vows to. OW knew you were married. This is what one signs up for when you choose to have a relationship with someone who is married. There is nothing you can do to help with OW's healing.

 

With you having that relationship with OW, knowing her thoughts about marriage and going with the feelings, etc etc, she probably thought she had a chance at you leaving your marriage, and being with her. Naturally, she's going to be upset.

 

The best thing you can do for OW is to continue NC. No lurking online, none of that. Let her be, she'll heal eventually.

 

If you still love your wife, and want your marriage to work, push OW out of your head every time she creeps in. Your wife needs you, and needs all of you to be present with her. You're not wholly present with her if you're still concerned about OW. Your wife needs your whole mind, complete openness, everything. She needs to trust you.

 

Do not speak with OW.

 

Maybe IC would be a good idea to help you deal with feelings of guilt towards the OW. I do note that I did not see mention of feelings of guilt towards your wife.

 

Oh, what tangled webs we weave, when first we practice to deceive...

Edited November 1, 2015 by Dancewithme

[66Charger]

Sandy isnt angry. She is a BS. You are now in the infidelity forum. You will not hear from just female OWs.

 

Your OW doesnt need a delusional knight in shining armor. I say delusional because you dont understand that YOU caused this. YOU caused her hurt and pain. YOU caused your wifes hurt and pain. And you think that reaching out to this flower that YOU stomped on is going to help her? This is the Planet Earth bro, and you are not on it.

 

The best thing you can do isnt divorcing yiur wife, its LEAVING THIS "GIRL" ALONE. You cannot help her, you can only prolong her agony. If you have read the OW forums you will know not ony what you have selfishly and heartlessly done, but you also should have read that these OW do not recover until they have DUMPED THEIR MM LOSERS. Once they do, then they hate you. They realise all the lies and the how you just wasted their time..THATS WHATS IN THE OW FORUM. Not a bunch of women hoping their MM will come back and rescue them. Read them again. You did this to all of them. Men like you with NO HONOR.

 

Thats about as civil as I could keep it.

 

Just leave her alone dude. You have done enough damage already.

[sandylee1]

Sandy, you sound angry for my action which I understand. I'm too. My wife is well and she is much happier now. I've done a lot and we are ok. That's a different story. Thanks.

 

My OP is about my concern for the OW. Of course the conclusion is obvious, NC. And also that I shouldn't feel anything for her. I understand. I feel the guilt and the hurt she feels and I feel obligated too. It's why the OP and need to talk about it.

 

 

Dylon,

 

I'm not angry at all.......just amazed at how there was no concern for your wife who made herself sick, on discovery of your infidelity.

 

I haven't suffered infidelity in my marriage..... so I'm not angry or bitter and I speak objectively .............but this is the infidelity thread and many here have neen betrayed. .......you may get more input from other OWs by posting in.the 'OTHER MAN/OTHER WOMAN' THREAD ........as your concern in posting is for the OW and not your BW.

 

NC is the only answer. Block her every way you can. Your wife will be keeping an eye on the things the OW posts.......because infidelity can make people paranoid and create feelings of inadequacy.

 

She'll could be secretly looking up the OWs social media and be comparing herself to the OW....and asking why....and blaming herself.......there's so much a BS goes through and to conclude that she's doing well and ok......means shes not sharing her feelings/triggers, she's rugsweeping or doesn't know the full extent of the EA and your feelings for the OW..

[sweet_pea]

Yes, why do you feel obligated to the OW? What obligations have you made to her? She knew exactly what she was getting into, no?

[Dylon]

but this is the infidelity thread and many here have neen betrayed. .......you may get more input from other OWs by posting in.the 'OTHER MAN/OTHER WOMAN' THREAD ........as your concern in posting is for the OW and not your BW.

 

Yes I posted there but the thread was moved here. And like I said, my concern and the issue with my wife is taken cared of so it's why I didn't bring her in. It doesn't mean I have no remorse, I don't care, didn't do anything, ect. It was just not the topic. I just didn't go into all the things we did and how she felt and how I feel about her, ect. Thanks again for your input. Maybe it's good to get yelled at anyway as I know I deserve it.

[Dylon]

Yes, why do you feel obligated to the OW? What obligations have you made to her? She knew exactly what she was getting into, no?

 

Though that's true and she said so herself what her goal was. Still, I feel I should know better and I accept the relationship. Therefore, I feel horrible.

[Dylon]

You have no obligation to OW, your only obligation is to your wife. The one you claim to love, the one you made vows to. OW knew you were married. This is what one signs up for when you choose to have a relationship with someone who is married. There is nothing you can do to help with OW's healing.

 

Thank you for your words. It really did help. Still, I'm someone who feels that I should know better and I took her on. I'm someone that takes blame for everything because I have high expectation of myself. My friend told me that I'm not someone that can have an affair because of this.

[purplesorrow]

Thank you for your words. It really did help. Still, I'm someone who feels that I should know better and I took her on. I'm someone that takes blame for everything because I have high expectation of myself. My friend told me that I'm not someone that can have an affair because of this.

 

But you did have an affair. You are to blame for your actions only.

[Dylon]

Yes I did. Still, my action affected her life for the moment. While she still hurts, it's hard to just pretend and move on. For the moment, just have to repeat in my head that it's the only solution to move forward, and let time heal for everyone.

[lovinDKT3]

The other woman is a big girl and walked into this with her eyes open. Have you given much thought to the other woman using the whole you don't/didn't love me thing as a way to manipulate you back into the affair?

 

My issue with what you are saying and doing is it's disrespectful and counter productive towards your marriage. I see this as you wanting to be the good guy in all corners.