Need maintaining NC. Her sadness and my guilt is killing me.

[wmacbride]

Well, I had another D-day because of my useless effort to ease things off. So I haven't updated in a few months, basically it was a few months of arguments and trying to get rid of each other. The OW would go insane on me, then apologize, repeat. It was one hell of a roller coaster ride and we were normal like before sometimes too. During this period and eating all the guilt from what I'm doing, I've fallen into depression, I think. I feel mentally not well anymore.

 

D-day. I left my account open and my wife saw the messages and all hell broke loose. She called the OW, later they exchanged quite some nasty words, both accusing each other of things. It was crazy and I told my wife she needs to stop and focus on me and give it to me. I told the OW the same thing. It's my fault and just stop it. I blocked the OW. She emailed me, mad as hell with unbelievable words. I'm not upset at her because I know she's hurting. I feel like I still need to leave the email open for her to vent. However, I'm working very hard to ignore her because after all this time of trying to ease it off, I'm convinced, it's not possible.

 

On the home front, I'm dealing with a mess. I don't ask my wife for forgiveness because I know it's ridiculous to expect it. I try but don't expect. It's too bad because it was really over with the OW and I've spent weeks just taking the OW anger in. However, my wife saw too many of the old hurtful messages. She's in such disbelief. Is my marriage over? Most likely not. I asked that we seek counseling. She said I'm the one that has a problem and need help. It's fine because I really do need help; I'm really not well anymore, the pain, hurt, and guilt ate me alive for too long.

 

At the same time, I never love my wife more than now and more than any other time. She said some really nasty things to me during this ordeal that I think normal husband would not accept. Of course the OW did too. I deserve all the words so I will take it.

 

Lesson: OW in this situation might hold themselves back out of pride, ego, and stay quite even without promises from the MM. They might say they have no right, don't ask for more, or understand. However, you stick around, feelings grow, expectation grows, and you are accountable as if you promised to leave your wife for her. When the time comes, all the emotions will break out. And you, the MM, is responsible, whether there were promises, clear, or not. You need to deal with the downfall. I never met this person so you can see how expectation can grow regardless.

 

Lesson 2: this whole thread was pointless and I should have just eat the guilt. I couldn't. So don't cheat unless you can handle it. I couldn't.

 

I will seek emotional help and support now, or I will go insane. Anyone can recommend the path to take with that? I don't know where to start. I was thinking of going to my doctor first and get referrals.

 

If I have some recommendations, one would be to try counseling and therapy over medication, if at all possible.

 

Second, cease all contact. shut it down and close of the email. by keeping it open, you keep that door open a crack, at least in the ow's mind. you are not her therapist or her counselor. if she needs to vent, she can find some other way to do so that is healthier for all involved.

 

Third, your wife could be angry not just because of the A, but the lies around it and the way she found out.

[Dylon]

If I have some recommendations, one would be to try counseling and therapy over medication, if at all possible.

 

Really? I know it's the best approach but I feel like I need more than just words from people. I've done too much self help on my own and I feel like I will just hear people tell me what I already know. Hopefully I'm wrong.

 

Second, cease all contact. shut it down and close of the email. by keeping it open, you keep that door open a crack, at least in the ow's mind. you are not her therapist or her counselor. if she needs to vent, she can find some other way to do so that is healthier for all involved.

 

You are right of course.

 

Third, your wife could be angry not just because of the A, but the lies around it and the way she found out.

 

Oh god, I wish it's just anger. The hurt she's going through and how she deals with it kills me. She don't deal with things like this like most people. It's very harmful. I'm a fool to put her through this mess again. Don't forget that I had many D-days. Yes, I know, and to care about the welfare of the OW.

[waterwoman]

OK, so your wife has found out about your continued interaction with the OW. She has been devastated all over again and the OW has been given the chance to verbally attack her. Now will you finally cut the OW off? She has had months to pine and whinge, and all that had come of it is that she is still alone, your wife is massively hurt again and you are even more confused. She's had her time.So NC, full NC, finally?

 

What you need to do IMO is find out why you aren't happy in your marriage - if you love your wife as you say and life is OK otherwise. Counselling will help but I personally wouldn't rule out medication in the short term.

[waterwoman]

Perhaps your wife could do with some IC too. To stay after multiple ddays and to not express anger - that isn't great,

[gettingstronger]

As much as I hate to say it, I am also in the short term medication camp-

In an odd way it cleared my head from the anxiety so I could work on me-

I also discovered yoga- for you it may be something different-but an hour escape from everything a few days a week does wonders- my husband ran like crazy-hit that runners high where he could only concentrate on his breathing-

 

Good luck-

[Dylon]

Waterwoman - yes, I see no purpose to have any contact now because trying to think about the well being for everyone because of my own guilt is selfish while trying to be unselfish and at end, everything backfired. My wife wouldn't want to seek marriage counseling because she believes I'm a sick person and it's all my fault so I should seek help, and not her. However, I've convinced her to seek IC herself because of her self destructive nature. She asked me to help her find one.

 

Gettingstronger - I hope for that too. If I can't help myself and be well, I can't help anyone or make anyone well. I'm glad to see you find that being a possible solution while riding through the hard times.

[burnt]

Dylon,

It's good to hear from you; well not really, I guess. I mean it's good to from you, but I'm sorry to hear what you have been going through.

 

Your struggles have always been heart-felt for me.

 

Really? I know it's the best approach but I feel like I need more than just words from people. I've done too much self help on my own and I feel like I will just hear people tell me what I already know. Hopefully I'm wrong.

 

You need time; but also words from people.

Even if it's the same things you hear, there's a big difference between hearing your own silent voice and hearing those exact words of reason from someone else. Words from others reinforce our thoughts and actions more effectively. Talking out loud with a therapist helps to clarify your own thoughts and conflicting emotions.

With the right therapist, I'm sure you will find it helpful. In everything you have written, I'm sure you will start to heal soon.

 

The best/right therapist is not the one who is an expert in giving right advice for you to follow, but one who is good at guiding/nudging you in the right direction so you can find the right advice that you will follow.

 

I see no purpose to have any contact now because trying to think about the well being for everyone because of my own guilt is selfish while trying to be unselfish and at end, everything backfired.

 

You are both right and wrong at the same time. Caring for the welfare of the others is not selfish; you were not selfish to care about OW when she was hurt.

 

I do realize that my comment is very partial since I myself am an OW, but I think you showed kindness and compassion for her when she was hurting and THAT makes you the opposite of a horrible person.

 

BUT…

the way you showed your care was wrong. The right way to show the care would have been to maintain NC for her sake--for her to start healing.

 

So, it is what it is in the end now.

It's been a harsh lesson--I suppose sometimes that's how we learn.

 

Things happened; you were wrong; now let them go.

Being self-reflective and self-critical are good qualities, but not when it reaches the point of perpetual self-loathing.

 

Be gentle with yourself.

I wish you all the best.

[Dylon]

Burnt - Thanks! I hope you are doing well. I suppose if we are here, we are not one way or another. I hope the path to recover is going well.

 

Of course I agree with everything you said. NC was good for her if only she would have bought into the idea that it's the show of respect for her feelings and her life and not to hold her any longer, and it was truly out of care and understanding the wrongs I've committed. She broke down so many times coming to me and I just couldn't push her away, as said here many times by OW, throw her under the bus. Affairs are just paradox all over in nature so everything said sounds phony.

 

They both went psychotic on me at this point. Why not, I drove myself crazy too.

[BuddyX]

Things will get uglier before they get better-trust me.

Unfortunately, your case/outcome is typical. I hope you stay on this forum (OW/OM) and warn others to stop and go NC.

Every week we read a plethora of threads where the OP feels she/he is somehow special, and DDay will not occur.

Stay with us, vent and warn others.

Wish you luck

[AlwaysGrowing]

Bottom line is that you have never had remorse for your role in all of this. You have done everything in your power to maintain the false "good guy" image.

 

Your comment about how a "normal" husband would not have stayed if his wife said nasty things to him. Are you for real? You betrayed your wife....and you do not accept that you should EXPECT your BW to express her pain verbally to you.

 

But the OW gets to have the email acct open to vent!!!!

 

Your thought processes are missing more than a few train stops.

 

You might want to start with getting yourself into IC...and worry less about whether or not your BW needs IC.

[Dylon]

Bottom line is that you have never had remorse for your role in all of this. You have done everything in your power to maintain the false "good guy" image.

 

Your comment about how a "normal" husband would not have stayed if his wife said nasty things to him. Are you for real? You betrayed your wife....and you do not accept that you should EXPECT your BW to express her pain verbally to you.

 

But the OW gets to have the email acct open to vent!!!!

 

Your thought processes are missing more than a few train stops.

 

You might want to start with getting yourself into IC...and worry less about whether or not your BW needs IC.

 

I don't expect that you care and you have the right to be angry for your own views and your own personal experience. However, you misunderstoood my words, about the nasty things. I won't say what she did or said because it's the consequences of my A. I take it and accept. Let just say having an EA with someone doesn't make the person something else and other things, nor is it ok for her to do certain things that are unhealthy for herself. Not making excuse. Yes, I said already I will seek IC.

[Dylon]

Things will get uglier before they get better-trust me.

Unfortunately, your case/outcome is typical. I hope you stay on this forum (OW/OM) and warn others to stop and go NC.

Every week we read a plethora of threads where the OP feels she/he is somehow special, and DDay will not occur.

Stay with us, vent and warn others.

Wish you luck

 

Thanks for your comment. You are right. I don't claim that I'm unique and I've said to others as well that NC was the best approach throughout my ordeal. Everything is easier said than done and I see here as I see in myself that in the end, most people stay on the train until it wrecks.

[merrmeade]

She emailed me, mad as hell with unbelievable words. I'm not upset at her because I know she's hurting. I feel like I still need to leave the email open for her to vent. However, I'm working very hard to ignore her because after all this time of trying to ease it off, I'm convinced, it's not possible.

...

I will seek emotional help and support now, or I will go insane. Anyone can recommend the path to take with that? I don't know where to start. I was thinking of going to my doctor first and get referrals.

The hurt she's going through and how she deals with it kills me. She don't deal with things like this like most people. It's very harmful. I'm a fool to put her through this mess again. Don't forget that I had many D-days. Yes, I know, and to care about the welfare of the OW.

She emailed me, mad as hell with unbelievable words. I'm not upset at her because I know she's hurting. I feel like I still need to leave the email open for her to vent. However, I'm working very hard to ignore her because after all this time of trying to ease it off, I'm convinced, it's not possible.

...

I will seek emotional help and support now, or I will go insane. Anyone can recommend the path to take with that? I don't know where to start. I was thinking of going to my doctor first and get referrals.

First, just so you know: If you block her email address, she does not know. She can continue to vent until the cows come home. She won’t know that you’re not receiving them, and you won’t know whether she’s emailing you or not. I know this from personal experience, but you can also verify.

 

You said the thread is about your emotional turmoil keeping NC because you feel so guilty about OW. From your initial presentation, I wondered if you worried about your wife as much as the OW? When asked, you claimed that you had supported your wife and suffered with her post-Dday, but I still wonder: Which one of them has gotten more of your emotional energy and time?

 

By trying to deal with the injury both feel, you increase the injury done to your wife and fail at helping the OW to heal.

 

On reading your justifications for breaking NC—compassion, guilt, her need to vent, etc.—I think the same thing. The only action of genuine good here would be real NC—not this half-hearted broken variety—for everyone concerned. That is why people do it.

 

If you’re “not happy with [your] marriage,” then fix it or leave it, but don’t muddle in between. By pinching off a little honesty from your marriage to help your AP, you damage the marriage.

That is, IF you fully embrace the truth that your actions damage your marriage whether or not your wife knows about them. Continuing to think that what she doesn’t know won’t hurt her is part of the actual deception and the self-deception.

 

Trying to comfort your AP and your conscience by continuing to listen and engage is to be dishonest to her, not “to care about the welfare of the OW.” You haven’t broken it off by your actions, which is deceptive and unfair to her because it keeps her hope alive. You are stringing her along, and she will hate you more for that. If you really care, if you want to be a real man with real compassion and integrity, then make a choice. Prove your decision with your actions. If you’ve let her go, then do so in thought, word and deed. Otherwise, leave your wife and go to her. One or the other once and for all.

 

And if you can’t do that, get counseling (although I agree that you should have done that ages ago anyway). Try "Psychology Today" website. They list psychologists by city with detailed breakdown of the kind of practice they have and links to their websites. Most let you call and talk by phone first. Most also are fine and encourage you to see who's a fit and change if it's not.

[Dylon]

merrmeade - what a great insightful post. Thanks for your time. I agree with your points. I appreciate your helpful viewpoints, comment, analysis, and constructive criticisms. We will see, I'm on the side of my wife. It's no doubt but actions speak louder than words. What's done is done and can't be undone. I will straighten myself out first and then I will have the mentality, optimism, and energy to take care of her better.

[gettingstronger]

merrmeade - what a great insightful post. Thanks for your time. I agree with your points. I appreciate your helpful viewpoints, comment, analysis, and constructive criticisms. We will see, I'm on the side of my wife. It's no doubt but actions speak louder than words. What's done is done and can't be undone. I will straighten myself out first and then I will have the mentality, optimism, and energy to take care of her better.

 

My husband once said, "I need to learn to love myself enough to be able to love you the way you deserve to be loved". He knows reconciling with himself will take lots of time, but at the same time he knows that he needed to make immediate changes within himself to be able to show me love-

KWIM?

[Whoknew30]

I felt the same way at first. I was a WF & when I cut the OM out of my life I felt terrible. See I'm both a WS & BS, you'll get bashed from most BS bc a lot of them want to believe that their WS never really cared about their AP, which IMO more care than not they just don't tell their BS's that...anyways. That feeling sucks & it will last awhile, of course time heals all wounds but I will tell you I just ran into my ExOM around Xmas for the first time in 7 years & when I first saw him the part where I hurt him came back to me. No one (on here) didn't understand when I said I was happy to see his life worked out, he is married with kids now & I was truly happy for him but at the same time very much over it.

 

I think it's normal to feel bad for anyone we get emotional with, we're human & extremely complicated. This feeling will go away eventually & if & when you find out she's moved on & happy, you'll be happy for her .