Break up and my mother's sudden passing away

[hazel g]

Dear Loveshackers,

 

My life has never been in this much of a funk, and I HAVE seen bad days before.

I'll try to make this as short as it can be.

 

I love a man, 20 years my senior, who'd left his family (wife and kids) to be with me but somehow it didn't work out between us. Prior to him leaving his wife I broke up my 7 year long relationship to be with him. It all happened a bit more than a year ago.

But he just...I guess he tried but it was too much to handle.

 

We'd moved in together but he could barely handle the pressure from his wife and the divorce he'd brought up and the kids and the job and the whole fr** world .. In the meantime he ALSO got involved with another girl and I found out about it but he convinced me it was harmless. I believed him but it seems he kept going at it.

 

He hurt me a lot, A LOT. Not just because of her but generally...because he was so weak and the choices he made had almost always excluded me from the picture. I forgave him for his mistakes and the blunders every time until this very last one when I saw his txts with that same girl...one of which spelled 'i missed you' (on her side, but whatever).

 

So I plucked up the courage and left him, changed my number, deleted my facebook and I was thinking I was on my way to better days...I still loved him but it was just way too much to handle.

 

But then my mother suddenly passed away...

I don't have a father, it's just me and my sister now (who lives in a different country).

 

I feel ... devastated. And really lost.

 

I lost my mother, my support and unconditional love.

I lost the man I love dearly even though he gave me pain most of the time.

And he's most likely off to a fresh start with that girl.

 

It's just so hard to handle and manage, I feel like two enormous heartaches are just intertwined and as soon as I calm myself down regarding one, the other one pops its head up and it's like a continuous roller coaster of pain and tears. I can't distract myself in any way. I try but it doesn't last for too long. And on top of all I keep asking myself 'why..why wasn't i enough for him...why her...'

 

Where to go from here?

How to put myself back together?

 

I'm seeing a therapist already and she helps...but after 24 hours I again start feeling sad and lost and unworthy and just like plain crap...

 

I don't know if any of you can help but anyway, thanks for reading me..

 

Hazel